i like when i have plans and people ask me to do things, it makes me feel special.

i no longer have a boy, i have a small child... thats what happens when u start living with people...
i'm just kidding, having him around is great. its funny walking around with him though, ppl look at him funny, cause he's a boy.

let me just get this out in the open. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not. I have also learned enough to not want drama in my life. I just dont need it. I'm also incredibly happy, bc the people I'm around now are just amazing, and aren't out to screw me over, or exploit me in some way in other to make themselves feel better. i love where i go to school. I love my teachers, i love my friends, i love breathing the fresh air, and getting to experience something outside of what I knew before. I'm not out to start mess, i just call things like i see them, and i dont put up with bullshit. i dont need drama, nor do i want it. thats it. plain and simple. i'm not naming names, and I'm not starting mess. just dont ever assume that you know the whole story when u dont. no one knows the whole story, and u cant really tell what someone's intentions are when they say things. u dont know where they are coming from, u dont know their background, and u dont know that sometimes they really are just trying to watch out for someone that they also care for. sometimes the best thing a friend can do is to shit on u. u never really know.

i really enjoyed hanging out with boys for a week. it was what i needed.

driving across the state makes u tired and sleepy....having the boy edit ur post for grammatical errors is amusing...it also makes u feel like ur about 7.

another fun thing about going out with brent is getting "the look" when we go out, its the "what the hell are you doing hanging out with a white girl/black guy" look. Its funny. bc sometimes u just wanna explain to them thats its not really that big of a deal, and that we've known each other since he had a flat-top and i have huge pink glasses, otherwise known as "grade school"

i went shopping and remembered why shopping with brent is fun. Brent tells me when ppl are checking me out, today i was checked out by a girl, and some dirty mexicans...also i find it amusing that video games have girly posters in them...yea they're also gross.

right so u wanna know what kind of state this is? the kind where it gets into the high 40's and ppl start wearing shorts.

one day this is going to work...even if it means the end of brent.

oh and boys named andy are great, bc they'll heat up leftovers for u and miss class so they can hang out with u....and they smell good.
boys named brent are great bc they'll make u a sandwhich and provide u with binoculars when u wanna spy on his neighboors.

watching people is just a lot of fun, especially when u dont know them and they are in a building dirrectly infront of urs and u have binoculars...is this wrong? i dont think so. i simply think of it as one more way of being entertained by strangers...the lesson of the day is that when u think that you're alone, ur really not. so if ur gonna be doing something that ur mom wouldnt approve of, might as well do it at just the right angle so that the trees dont block the other person's view of it. i think i've been watching too much sex in the city.

so yea, i'm on spring break and hanging around boys which is cool, bc girls get on ur nerves after a while, (not the wonderful kinds of girls u cant live without but the crazy ones that are crazy) , but yea... its nice, the boy's amazing....

its just one thing after another...but then again it always is. thats the way my life is. but what can I do really, but just expect the worst. i'm tired. i'm just tired.

my friend let me drive her car today, and it made me feel like so very special that she would even let me drive her car around (its a nice car) and so that just made my day...

so i took my italian midterm and i thought i knew the future tense, and then i realized that i didnt. and i studied and knew my vocab down pat, and of course none of it was on the exam...i dont like test, but thats alright....hopefully its just a looooow B and nothing worse...lets all pray

right so yea. I'm so looking foward to this break that its not even funny. i need a break from people. i dont know there's just so much drama and crap basically, when all i really wanna do is just study. i always hate when stuff is no longer organic between me and someone else, bc the whole time ur talking to them u just think about how easy it used to be to talk to them, and how now its so hard to just say anything to them. its like i'm walking on eggshells and i just dont wanna deal with that. i know exactly where it is that i wanna be, but there's just all of this stuff getting in my way, and why does there have to be drama, why do things have to change? i cannot wait to see the boy so all this crap will go away, and then to get to spend some time making my mind go numb with brent. i think testosterone will make things better. or at least i hope that i will.

i've discovered that the problem w/women is that some of them are just crazy.

and I'm now an SA!! this is super exciting for me bc I was certain that I wouldnt get in, and this is the second great news of the week!!! but the best part is that I dont have to deal with the whole lottery bs for next year, but the even better part is that I dont have to worry about being someone's roomate!!! ahhh.......a single!!!! i have the feeling i'm being set up for a fall but i dont see it coming since at the end of this week i get to see the boy!!!

so today is just a really good day, why u may be asking? bc my adviser is the sh*t. I'm doing this independent study with him in economics, and at first I was just like "eh ind. thats no big deal nothing too interesting is gonna come out of this." nevermind I'm not supposed to be doing independents as a first year, but whatever no biggie. right so, today I have finally just gotten around to meeting with him, and we start talking going back and forth, he's explaining some of the concepts in the book to me, and so forth. ok, so the punchline of this whole thing is that we came across a thought thats really provocative and new, so he says "u know that would be a really provocative paper to write, beyond that it would just be a very easy to get it published, not only would it be easy to publish it would be worth publishing and getting it noticed, we should co-write this." and yea. this is what I've been wanting to do for a really long time now, and as an undergrad I'm going to start getting things published and establishing a name for myself! i'm way too giddy. but yea, it wouldn't be finished until next year, sometime but still wow...that just made my day.

just when u think things are getting better, they dont. yup.

i worked in a soup kitchen this morning, and it wasnt what i expected it to be. first off, i had to make rice, i can cook thats not a problem, i just dont make rice. I dont eat rice, so thus i never learned how to make it. so i was a little confused by it, and scared at the fact she was actually allowing me to cook something. so yea, and then we sat with the people there, and we ate with them, and i met this man named Jim, and he was funny and smart and he obviously had a story. i always see people that are homeless and i'm a little uncomfortable in the situation, i know that they're just people, i understand that, but I dont know really how to relate. so that was a little odd, but now whats really bothering me is that I wont know what happens to Jim...

did i mention my friends are soo wonderful? bc they are, these are the sweetest most balanced fun people to be around. without them the estrogen in this place would kill me.

so we went out to dinner last night, to this puerto rican place, but it was closed, which made me sad but it wasnt too big of a deal, so then we went to the next town over and ended up at this chinese place. the place looks normal, but then we walked in, and it was like a third of a chinese place, and like the other half was like an irish pub, w/this bad dj playing music. if the nicer jess hadnt been there, me and annita would have walked out, but she made it all so much better. the place was like icky to say the least, but the guy who served us the food was so nice, and friendly, and he was sooo happy to see us there, and he was sooo cute. and so we ordered and he made us our food in this like little kitchen, and this little chinese guy is like in the back room like drinking a rolling rock and cooking our food, and then he was like smoking, but the man was soo cute. the dj was like playing random music, like Frank Sinatra, and then like jennifer lopez stuff, it was weird, but it was such a great night. it was ...."delightfuly random"

so, things are so much better now. and i've had such a great time with my friends these last few days, i dont know what i would do without them. i really dont, i never thought i would like girls as much as i love these girls, ah they make everything better, and boys named andy make everything better. i'm so giddy now, and i feel so free and like i dont have to worry about things anymore. thanks.

why the hell do i do this to myself? i really wanna know. i know better than this. ugh my mind turning to mush and i cant see a way out, and i want to hide and run. i'm trying to think outside of myself and yet i cant. i just cant. i dont have anymore answers.

i wonder about myself alot of times. and how i managed to get myself into situations that seem so outside of myself. i feel sick thinking about things. i feel sicker when i over think them. i feel sickest when i ignore them and pretend they never happened. i'm hoping i wake up a better person than the one that went to sleep.

best part of meeting with my macro professor when we were looking thru my exam, and i explained my logic to him and he says "oh that makes it worse." the 2nd best part was when we got to the end of the exam and he was looks at me and is like "u sure have some funny algebra going on" and then i said "yea i have a tendency of doing that"...but i think i'm better now, so it's ok

i got a kick in the butt when i got my macro test back today...that wasnt so fun. but its ok, bc its not the end of the world, and i know that i didnt work as hard as i should have on that midterm. it just sucks when u're expecting one grade on a test and then receive a completly different one. not fun at all.

whats with a drag ball at a women's college? i dont get it. i dont think i wanna get it.

this school is just weird. too much estrogen can kill u.

so i went out last night with my good friend annita. anyone who can speak to me in spanish even though they're learning is just amazing to me. anyways, so we went to this party at amherst (college down the road) and it was an okay party, but the same thing that always happens happened. Neither of us was dressed hoeish but the only guys who tried to approach us we're the dirty guys. It might have to do w/the fact we were dancing with each other but it started to get really funny. there was this one guy who just kept trying to dance on me (he was trying to molest my rear) and we rejected this poor kid at least 8 times. He would come towards one of us and we would just start grinding with each other. it was hillarious. then somehow these 3 black guys show up, that must have been a foot taller than me (i was wearing heals), and somehow i ended up in the middle of this african manwhich. i couldnt stop laughing, maybe bc i thought that was gonna be the end of me, and that after that i was never gonna be the same. and then there was this nice, white guy (it was like a salsa, hip hop, and merenge party-white guys stuck out like a sore thumb) who was drunk but he was really nice. he saw some guy trying to dance on me and saw me laughing and was like "u want me to get rid of this guy for you?" and i was like "thanks"...he was a nice drunk guy. but yea, no nice boys ever try to pick me up at these things, never. i mean i wouldnt mind dancing with some guy at these things that wasnt dirty, drunk, and trying to dry hump me. sigh...the boy needs to come back already.