in the last 24hrs I have written 3 spanish papers and one 15pg econ paper. thats ridiculous, especially considering that I did the research the night of. ahh i should always pick topics that i can easily write, then my life will be much easier. but yea, my brain is shutting down, although i dont know why since i slept for 7 hrs, but yea it doesnt want to be awake right now. but thats too bad because i need to pack up my room and put everything into storage, which means that once again i will be saying goodbye to my computer for the summer and dealing with life without aim or checking my email every five minutes. eh. such is life. tomorrow if all goes well i shall be on my way to boston and enjoying living in an actual city for a few days.
i really should of hooked up my computer so that I wouldnt have this problem anymore...oh well. all thats left to do is just pack, throw things away, and one more meeting with my spanish profs. which i think will go really well.
i hate packing, even though i'm good at it because theres always this feeling that what was your home for a year is now over, and for some reason even though this semester was long i'm going to miss this room. but next year my room is bigger and better, and jess shall be living across the hall from me so i'll have someone to bother all the time. ::sigh::
alright kiddos i have to pack.
mayo 13, 2004
mayo 12, 2004
de|vel|op: vt. to make fuller, bigger, better
this has been an amazing semester. not always the most pleasant but I learned so much. and not in the hollow way where you learn how to find the speed of a car moving down a cliff, but in this astonishing way where you learn how to live your life, where you grow as a human being. i love this feeling. it reminds me of being five (and oh soo cute) and just walking around in constant awe of the world around me. somewhere along the line i lost that, i think it had everything to do with school and life getting in the way of things. school isn't very conducive to people learning to think for themselves, its more about teaching how to be a sheep and regurgitate what the teacher preaches as truth. why didn't anyone ever bother telling me that there is no such thing? i would have gotten sooo much more out of school that way.
the funny thing about this semester is that i've learned the basics: how to read, write, and listen. and now, even trying to explain that it sounds silly. "oh jes of course you know how to read, everyone knows that." do you really know how to read? are we really taught that? because reading isn't about just superficially reading the words, its about connecting fully with the text and the author, knowing who they're in conversation with, and what brought them to create this. this is how you read. and it takes forever, and its a bitch to do, but once you've done it the taste lingers in your mouth and you're hooked.
i think the most important thing i've learned this semester is to listen. like truly listen to other people, and not just like in one ear and out the other, but listen. everyone has something amazing to say. last night during my umass class (which lasted 5 hours) i heard some of the most beautiful, amazing, engaging, powerful, and intelligent work that i've ever heard in my life. it was a privilege. and this amazing work was coming from umass kids who i typically would have just shrugged off because they dont speak up in class and worry more about their gucci sunglasses than the reading. but the class was just incredible. and it felt so amazing to read my work, and show my paintings, and just breathe.
i thought i was going to have a panic attack before i went up there. the entire day i was having these horrible pangs of "what am i doing sharing these things with people?" i told a class of about 30 women things that i dont tell people. things that y'all dont even know about me. and it was amazing. for the first time in my life, i really took a risk and put myself out there, and it rocked. i feel alive. like truly alive. but most importantly i learned to let go of the outcome. you don't like what i have to say? thats too damn bad. i don't need you to like me. i'm a grown ass woman. and what i want to do with my life is write.
ps. this is fabulous. consider it your required reading for the night.
the funny thing about this semester is that i've learned the basics: how to read, write, and listen. and now, even trying to explain that it sounds silly. "oh jes of course you know how to read, everyone knows that." do you really know how to read? are we really taught that? because reading isn't about just superficially reading the words, its about connecting fully with the text and the author, knowing who they're in conversation with, and what brought them to create this. this is how you read. and it takes forever, and its a bitch to do, but once you've done it the taste lingers in your mouth and you're hooked.
i think the most important thing i've learned this semester is to listen. like truly listen to other people, and not just like in one ear and out the other, but listen. everyone has something amazing to say. last night during my umass class (which lasted 5 hours) i heard some of the most beautiful, amazing, engaging, powerful, and intelligent work that i've ever heard in my life. it was a privilege. and this amazing work was coming from umass kids who i typically would have just shrugged off because they dont speak up in class and worry more about their gucci sunglasses than the reading. but the class was just incredible. and it felt so amazing to read my work, and show my paintings, and just breathe.
i thought i was going to have a panic attack before i went up there. the entire day i was having these horrible pangs of "what am i doing sharing these things with people?" i told a class of about 30 women things that i dont tell people. things that y'all dont even know about me. and it was amazing. for the first time in my life, i really took a risk and put myself out there, and it rocked. i feel alive. like truly alive. but most importantly i learned to let go of the outcome. you don't like what i have to say? thats too damn bad. i don't need you to like me. i'm a grown ass woman. and what i want to do with my life is write.
ps. this is fabulous. consider it your required reading for the night.
mayo 10, 2004
dropped my ankle down
okay so i'm lisening to Freek-a-leek and i realized that in that entire lines of names there aren't any jessicas and then i realized that i've never met a black woman named Jessica. which is pretty interesting. well actually i knew one in middle school but she was creole so she was part french. probably one of the most attractive people i've ever met in my life.
yea i'm on crack, and its okay.
so my finals period has just taken a swing towards the worst when i realized that the paper for econ that i thought was only 5 pages is really *15* pages. beautiful. now the question now becomes, where did this 5 page idea come from? ugh. so i'm not sleeping for the rest of the week it seems. or maybe i just pull 15 pages straight out of my ass and get some sleep. i like how sleep is my new goal.
plus somewhere in there i have take my stuff to the storage place, write spanish papers (about 5), and not lose my sanity. although i may have already lost it long ago.
on a positive note i like the stuff that i've written for my umass class. i think its actually quality stuff. although i'm a bit frightened of reading it in front of the class because thats like being naked in front of people, and while nudity is great when it involves sunny parisian beaches, its not so cool when it involves possible academic humiliation. so i'll let you know how that goes tonight.
yea i'm on crack, and its okay.
so my finals period has just taken a swing towards the worst when i realized that the paper for econ that i thought was only 5 pages is really *15* pages. beautiful. now the question now becomes, where did this 5 page idea come from? ugh. so i'm not sleeping for the rest of the week it seems. or maybe i just pull 15 pages straight out of my ass and get some sleep. i like how sleep is my new goal.
plus somewhere in there i have take my stuff to the storage place, write spanish papers (about 5), and not lose my sanity. although i may have already lost it long ago.
on a positive note i like the stuff that i've written for my umass class. i think its actually quality stuff. although i'm a bit frightened of reading it in front of the class because thats like being naked in front of people, and while nudity is great when it involves sunny parisian beaches, its not so cool when it involves possible academic humiliation. so i'll let you know how that goes tonight.
i slept funny
so its finally starting to hit me. I'm really going to have to pack up my stuff and leave. its funny how i'm just a little slow sometimes, but i also think its something that keeps me in check. like i know i'm an intelligent woman, but just sometimes I have really ditzy moments. but thats okay, because my brain is always going to be bigger than my breasts. haha. i'm such a dork.
oh finals, you make me lose my sanity.
so blogger is new and improved so I decided that I should also be new and improved. thus, new skin. I was getting really tired of the old one, but i just changed things around and now i like this. it just a matter of getting the comments back up, and all that goodness. so i hope y'all like it.
oh and I'll leave y'all with some links:
*they beat you to it Andy!
*i might start doing this
*verb oppression
oh finals, you make me lose my sanity.
so blogger is new and improved so I decided that I should also be new and improved. thus, new skin. I was getting really tired of the old one, but i just changed things around and now i like this. it just a matter of getting the comments back up, and all that goodness. so i hope y'all like it.
oh and I'll leave y'all with some links:
*they beat you to it Andy!
*i might start doing this
*verb oppression
mayo 09, 2004
oh finals you tease me so
"So hows the studying going?"
"umm i have papers to write, not finals to take"
"wait so you dont have finals"
"i have final papers"
"oh so thats easier right?"
"not really no"
"oh well i'll let you get back to your studying"
"thanks"
::sigh:: finals. I've never loved the idea of having to pull together a paper that ties everything you've learned in a course together while having to balance that with pushing your academic dominance of the material to sway your prof to just give you that bloody A once and for all. and for what really? so my GPA wont tank, and my self worth and intelligence will be vindicated by a little number with some decimals attached to it. bullshit. but whatever. i pay (and when i say "i" i mean my father, and the loan people) pay my $29,170 for me to go to my swanky school. and no i dont go to a "girls school" because thats where rich indulged parents send their 7yr old girls to go to school so they dont have to be bothered with them. i go to a women's college where overachievers come together, eat cookies, drink alcohol, question their sexuality/the meaning of gender, and learn. yea. i'm looking foward to going home and shutting my brain off for a summer. or maybe turning my brain on to new things since i need some distance from everything to figure out what my next move next year will be. grad school is being put on the back burner because i realized the other day that I havent written anything in my time here that I'm seriously proud of. like i've written some stuff that I'm like "eh thats not so bad" but nothing that i'm just like "wow, i'm amazed by the size of my brain" but maybe thats because i have impossible standards for myself and even if i wrote something of any kind of academic significance I wouldnt be able to take it seriously, i'd just notice all the flaws.
i think i just need to get out of things for a while. move to another country. live in the sticks. help people. realize what i'm fighting so hard for. live another life for a year. or more. learn another language. i've forgotten a good chunk of my italian. which is so damn sad since i really love that language. i watch the foreign news in italian sometimes and somehow hearing about a man that plunged to his death in italian just makes the news so much more interesting. it feels like my brain is actually working. i miss that feeling.
i'm excited about this week though, and not so excited at the same time. excited because i'm going to present one of my paintings and do a reading of some of my work for one of my classes. then i'm going to write a paper on the interesection between whiteness (as it is known in the US) and class, specifically focusing on the differance between being "white trash" and being white and rich. although theres not many studies on rich white people so i dont know how i'm going to get data on that. and then i'll pull some spanish papers together. and then do some packing and heavy lifting to the storage unit.
I'll leave you with this because its just the most perfectly explained statement on being pro-reproductive rights. and read the whole thing, even if your not pro-choice or your pro-life or anti-choice or pro-apathy, because its a very well structured argument.
oh and happy mothers day!
"umm i have papers to write, not finals to take"
"wait so you dont have finals"
"i have final papers"
"oh so thats easier right?"
"not really no"
"oh well i'll let you get back to your studying"
"thanks"
::sigh:: finals. I've never loved the idea of having to pull together a paper that ties everything you've learned in a course together while having to balance that with pushing your academic dominance of the material to sway your prof to just give you that bloody A once and for all. and for what really? so my GPA wont tank, and my self worth and intelligence will be vindicated by a little number with some decimals attached to it. bullshit. but whatever. i pay (and when i say "i" i mean my father, and the loan people) pay my $29,170 for me to go to my swanky school. and no i dont go to a "girls school" because thats where rich indulged parents send their 7yr old girls to go to school so they dont have to be bothered with them. i go to a women's college where overachievers come together, eat cookies, drink alcohol, question their sexuality/the meaning of gender, and learn. yea. i'm looking foward to going home and shutting my brain off for a summer. or maybe turning my brain on to new things since i need some distance from everything to figure out what my next move next year will be. grad school is being put on the back burner because i realized the other day that I havent written anything in my time here that I'm seriously proud of. like i've written some stuff that I'm like "eh thats not so bad" but nothing that i'm just like "wow, i'm amazed by the size of my brain" but maybe thats because i have impossible standards for myself and even if i wrote something of any kind of academic significance I wouldnt be able to take it seriously, i'd just notice all the flaws.
i think i just need to get out of things for a while. move to another country. live in the sticks. help people. realize what i'm fighting so hard for. live another life for a year. or more. learn another language. i've forgotten a good chunk of my italian. which is so damn sad since i really love that language. i watch the foreign news in italian sometimes and somehow hearing about a man that plunged to his death in italian just makes the news so much more interesting. it feels like my brain is actually working. i miss that feeling.
i'm excited about this week though, and not so excited at the same time. excited because i'm going to present one of my paintings and do a reading of some of my work for one of my classes. then i'm going to write a paper on the interesection between whiteness (as it is known in the US) and class, specifically focusing on the differance between being "white trash" and being white and rich. although theres not many studies on rich white people so i dont know how i'm going to get data on that. and then i'll pull some spanish papers together. and then do some packing and heavy lifting to the storage unit.
I'll leave you with this because its just the most perfectly explained statement on being pro-reproductive rights. and read the whole thing, even if your not pro-choice or your pro-life or anti-choice or pro-apathy, because its a very well structured argument.
oh and happy mothers day!
mayo 04, 2004
I'm a good eater
yea. so I've uncovered another expensive addiction...brie. the delicious french cheese. i can just add this to the list of things that i love but shouldnt do because they're ridiculously expensive. like getting my nails done every week and getting masages. maybe brie will one day become one of those expensive things that becomes incredibly necessary for my sanity, like getting my hair professionally highlighted and cut. or buying ridiculous amounts of sweaters...that happen to be ridiculously expensive and yet oh so perfect for me.
as with many things the first time i ate brie i wasnt obsessed. but after the 3rd and fourth bite i just became hooked. kinda like the first time i ate naan i just thought it was yummy and yet the second time i ate it afterwards i had dreams of the stuff. i find it really funny that i form such deep obsessive relationships with my food even though i'm super tiny. but i love to eat. love it. the other day i had a dream about biscuits. like what the hell? and not just like any biscuit but to a specific biscuit that i ate like six years ago. maybe i should be a food critic.
oh and its the last day of moho class. i still have one umass class to go to but we are finally in the final stretch my friends. except all that i'm going to be doing is writing tiny papers and reading like crazy. i'm flying home on the 20th. so i'm pretty much staying an extra two weeks for no good reason. beautiful.
as with many things the first time i ate brie i wasnt obsessed. but after the 3rd and fourth bite i just became hooked. kinda like the first time i ate naan i just thought it was yummy and yet the second time i ate it afterwards i had dreams of the stuff. i find it really funny that i form such deep obsessive relationships with my food even though i'm super tiny. but i love to eat. love it. the other day i had a dream about biscuits. like what the hell? and not just like any biscuit but to a specific biscuit that i ate like six years ago. maybe i should be a food critic.
oh and its the last day of moho class. i still have one umass class to go to but we are finally in the final stretch my friends. except all that i'm going to be doing is writing tiny papers and reading like crazy. i'm flying home on the 20th. so i'm pretty much staying an extra two weeks for no good reason. beautiful.
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