save a horse. ride a cowboy.

there are many things that i love about Houston. and then there is an even larger number of things that I loathe about Houston. or maybe their just general loathings. for example:

**men leering at me: i have no problem with men looking at me. i have a problem with them leering and/or staring. once they start trying to talk to me and invade my personal space i have to just restrain myself from hurting them. i'm personally just to the point where i wish they would try something because i'd kick their ass. and then laugh. and point.

**traffic: i understand theres a lot of ppl in houston. i get it. but why it takes me 30-45 minutes to go 2 blocks is beyond me. like when theres an accident or something it makes sense. but everyday? ridiculous. whats sad is i've gotten to the point where if i get home from work in 45 minutes i'm like "oh wow that was quick" which is sick because it should take like 20 minutes since its all freeway to get there.

**idiots who cant drive: now i'm not the best driver in the world. i get it. i manage to hurt other people's cars when i'm walking (not a joke i completly broke some guys mirror with my elbow the other day). but its gotten to the point where i completly understand road range now. like when some idiot is driving in front of me on the freeway going like 45 (on the freeway) i have to restrain myself from slamming my car into theirs. or from flicking them off. which is why its a good thing i dont have a gun in my car.

**Bush stickers on hummers. or bmws. or Ford F150s: yea. I kinda wish i carried a carton of eggs with me so i could just egg peoples cars. but then i remind myself that everyone has a right to be an idiot. and to their own idiotic opinion. and yet still theres a part of me that wants to slash their tires. except that would only cement them in their own idiotic opinion. and then what.

so umm yea. venting makes things better. oh and i got a cellphone. even though i kinda hate cell phones. they annoy me and i think their rude and obnoxious. i like how i get things that i dont really want, but things that i do want i dont get. lovely.

and this might just be the most hillarious one yet. so read it. love it. loathe it. either one.

random ramblings

This marked my first week at work where I was the primary person in the office handling all the responsibilites. I even got a key, but with that key came the not so fun aspect of having to be into work by 9am especially since I'm not a morning person. And when you add in at least a half hour commute (when traffic is flowing incredibly well) then you have a situation when you get home and your just exhausted. but even with the exhausting I've had a lot of good things happen this week, like I found Pocky (the delicious Japanese snack)in the Randalls by my house. I like how I can buy Japanese goodies, Mexican cheese, Colombian malta(kinda rootbeer-ish soda), Kosher salt, and American bread at my neighboorhood store. The joys of living in a gigantic city. Although the traffic sucks enough ass to make me never want to live here permanently. Sad. but eh.

In other news my daddy is officially moving to San Antonio. The end of an era. Its been in the works for a while now, and after my daddy's heart scare it seemed like it might not happen but now it is happening my dad just needs to say when he's ready to go. Its sad but I've had enough time to process it so that it doesnt sting so bad. I've talked my mom into taking his phone number so I dont lose the one time thats been constant in my life since I moved here. Theres something insanely comforting about knowing that people that knew me in 6th grade can still randomly call me using the same number.

And what else. I found this great Argentinian bakery and deli by my house. If i went to college here thats where I would live reading my books and writing my papers. I wish we had a place like that in South Hadley. I've noticed that when ppl ask me were I go to school I'm really excited to tell them all about it. I figure that I'll educate the world about the wonders of Moho one person at a time.

My job is going ultra well since I pick up things insanely quickly. I can now process loan applications all by myself which means that I can review a credit report, gauge financial capacity, and evaluate the monetary worth of collateral all by myself. I can also close a loan application by myself too. Except ppl sometimes come in and since I look so young they assume that their loans are just too complicated for me. Which is stupid because trained monkeys could do the work that these ppl do. Except thats not nice to tell ppl so I've resisted the urge to be rude and just tell ppl that I understand their loan is important and that I've been trained very well. What I want to do is put them in their place and tell them that I'm smarter and better educated than they can ever hope to be, but thats not really the kind of attitude you can take when you work in a non-profit. Thus my conundrum in wanting to help people but really hating people sometimes. Eh. such is life.

My brother is coming back to Texas today. Which means I no longer have my parents all to myself so I have to share and I'm not so good at sharing so we'll see how this all plays out. But the good news is I'm back at Moho in 26 days. I'm unsure how I'm getting there and I have no idea what my room looks like. Although I know its huge. Which is good since I like huge.

I figure I'll spend my time home as best I can. Continuing to eat yummy food and learning how to cook "traditional" meals. and then before I know it I shall be back with my girls. ahh such excitement. The idea that I'm a senior keeps hitting me at random times, like on the drive home or in the supermarket. Eeek! It'll be okay though. I hope.

i buy alcohol because i can

Thanks to all of y'all that sent birthday wishes. I managed to have myself a good time. I ordered a fruity peach drink and had a nice big steak. So good food, good drinks, good time.

I was actually not carded though, which is a bit disappointing. I keep wanting someone to card me, but its just not happening yet. I figure I'll just keep buying alchol until someone decides to card me. I really just want someone to see my id, because I'm finally 21, so I feel like I should buy alcohol, because I can. Not really because I want to drink, but because I can. Like I went to Fiesta with my mom and we had just finished buying seafood, and I was standing there waiting for her to pick out her wine, and I was just like I'm going to buy some delicious malt beverage because I can. Not really because I want one, but because I can. Its a good feeling, and so silly really.

so umm yea, soooo excited about being a senior. Mucha anticipacion.

Ahh I also got these beautiful flowers from andy, so thanks for the flowers monkey their lovely. And thanks for the letter Jess it made my day!

alright heres a quiz, i did a bunch of different combinations, and this one was my favorite.

How to make a Jessica

Ingredients: 1 part competetiveness 5 parts ambition 1 part joy

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

oh and an interesting essay in case you have the time.

Dear Senior,

I received my first letter from my school addressed to me as a senior. I almost shed a tear. I'm so ready to go back to school and have my jess across the hall from me, my yara across the lake from me, and ev right in the middle. excitement. thinking about commencement and what i'm going to wear. i need to start shopping for green outfits since thats our class color. excitement.
 
i already found the most perfect dress for senior ball. so i need a laurel parade dress in white, i was thinking about a white pant suit, because i could rock a white pant suit but i dont know i might just want to wear a cute white dress. ahh decisions. and lets see what else. oh i received my graduation requirements so now i know what stands between me and a diploma (2 PE credits and a lab science). and thats school stuff.
 
i've been working at ACCION Texas as an intern and that's been going really well. There's only 2 people in the office besisdes me so I get to do alot of stuff. So I'm learning a ton and I think I'm getting a good sense of what I want to do and not do once I graduate. I just need to be busy if not I get really bored and start feeling like i'm wasting my time. which isnt cool. but umm yea. it fits into my grander plan of working for ACCION international, which fits into my even grander plan of living in Colombia. or Venezuela if they decide to stabilize themselves. which i dont think is going to happen. but umm yea. thats all.
 
excited about turning 21 finally. now i get to go out with the big kids and not have to stay home like a dork, unless of course i feel like staying home like a dork in which case thats what i'll be doing.
 
and some links to keep you busy:
 
*at least crazy liberals have fun.
*this is just too cute
* another new favorite thing

minesweeper owns me

ah the hazy days of summer when its completly socially acceptable to wake up in the afternoon, answer the phone, and then go back to sleep. except that this summer my brain is refusing to shut off, which makes it hard to enjoy doing absolutely nothing when your brain craves stimulating conversation and good books. unfortunately my summer book is still in the mail on its way over here and so in the meantime i have nothing to read, which isnt so pleasant. my attempts to go into the public library and read something else have been ruined by the fact that i'm now spoiled, and everytime i enter a public library i just think about how quaint it is and how this isnt a real library especially since all of my favorite authors are missing from their collections. and then i just think to myself "how is this a real library if irene klepfisz isnt included in it?" so then i just back away and leave the library sad about my lack of good summer reading.

but yea, so far this summer i've started the process of figuring out what i'm going to do this summer, and yea its late but its better than never starting at all. i sent my resume out to the one non-profit that seems to combine everything i love and do it well, but the problem is that they dont have a specific internship in Houston although they are offering two in San Antonio where the Texas branch of the nonprofit is based. personally i love them so much that if it came to it i would move to san antonio just to work for them, but hopefully they'll figure something out for me to do here in Houston. hopefully.

and what else. i'll keep it short and just leave y'all with things to go through on your own time:

*everything you ever wanted to know about intersexed births
*the stupidity of the bushes never ceases to amaze me (melissa, you should read this)

and a quiz just to keep things interesting:

I am an Intellectual



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

i need a new tribe

alright, so brent told me to post and since he just drove me around houston for like a good couple of hours and kept me entertained i'm going to humor him. but really i have nothing to post. its basically a ditto to what he posted. just basically that i'm bored, been bored since i got home and have started trying to figure out what i'm going to do once i graduate next may. its a little scary, but not so scary because i know how i want things to go down i just have to figure out how the pieces will fall.

but umm yea. basically the grass is always better on the other side. and right now i wish i was with my wonderful women back at moho where i can go on a rant about anything really and not have it be brushed off. i just have come to realize that i'm different. and sometimes this just makes it hard to relate to other ppl because my motivation in life is very different and i could care less about fancy cars and i think theory is facinating. so yea. i'm all over the place right now. i'm going to take the summer to figure things out with my man, my life, learn some portuguise, write some stories down, study for the gre's, volunteer at planned parenthood, and work for a nonprofit. and paint.

oh and i spent 13hrs with a 3 year old and it made me rethink having children. and it wore me out completly. and i probably never want to do that again. so yea. well see how this summer turns out. but i strangely want it to go slowly so i can think everything over and be ready for senior year, which i think is going to rule. i just need to swash some drama and get my classes in order for the year so that it'll work out.

wow

in the last 24hrs I have written 3 spanish papers and one 15pg econ paper. thats ridiculous, especially considering that I did the research the night of. ahh i should always pick topics that i can easily write, then my life will be much easier. but yea, my brain is shutting down, although i dont know why since i slept for 7 hrs, but yea it doesnt want to be awake right now. but thats too bad because i need to pack up my room and put everything into storage, which means that once again i will be saying goodbye to my computer for the summer and dealing with life without aim or checking my email every five minutes. eh. such is life. tomorrow if all goes well i shall be on my way to boston and enjoying living in an actual city for a few days.

i really should of hooked up my computer so that I wouldnt have this problem anymore...oh well. all thats left to do is just pack, throw things away, and one more meeting with my spanish profs. which i think will go really well.

i hate packing, even though i'm good at it because theres always this feeling that what was your home for a year is now over, and for some reason even though this semester was long i'm going to miss this room. but next year my room is bigger and better, and jess shall be living across the hall from me so i'll have someone to bother all the time. ::sigh::

alright kiddos i have to pack.

de|vel|op: vt. to make fuller, bigger, better

this has been an amazing semester. not always the most pleasant but I learned so much. and not in the hollow way where you learn how to find the speed of a car moving down a cliff, but in this astonishing way where you learn how to live your life, where you grow as a human being. i love this feeling. it reminds me of being five (and oh soo cute) and just walking around in constant awe of the world around me. somewhere along the line i lost that, i think it had everything to do with school and life getting in the way of things. school isn't very conducive to people learning to think for themselves, its more about teaching how to be a sheep and regurgitate what the teacher preaches as truth. why didn't anyone ever bother telling me that there is no such thing? i would have gotten sooo much more out of school that way.

the funny thing about this semester is that i've learned the basics: how to read, write, and listen. and now, even trying to explain that it sounds silly. "oh jes of course you know how to read, everyone knows that." do you really know how to read? are we really taught that? because reading isn't about just superficially reading the words, its about connecting fully with the text and the author, knowing who they're in conversation with, and what brought them to create this. this is how you read. and it takes forever, and its a bitch to do, but once you've done it the taste lingers in your mouth and you're hooked.

i think the most important thing i've learned this semester is to listen. like truly listen to other people, and not just like in one ear and out the other, but listen. everyone has something amazing to say. last night during my umass class (which lasted 5 hours) i heard some of the most beautiful, amazing, engaging, powerful, and intelligent work that i've ever heard in my life. it was a privilege. and this amazing work was coming from umass kids who i typically would have just shrugged off because they dont speak up in class and worry more about their gucci sunglasses than the reading. but the class was just incredible. and it felt so amazing to read my work, and show my paintings, and just breathe.

i thought i was going to have a panic attack before i went up there. the entire day i was having these horrible pangs of "what am i doing sharing these things with people?" i told a class of about 30 women things that i dont tell people. things that y'all dont even know about me. and it was amazing. for the first time in my life, i really took a risk and put myself out there, and it rocked. i feel alive. like truly alive. but most importantly i learned to let go of the outcome. you don't like what i have to say? thats too damn bad. i don't need you to like me. i'm a grown ass woman. and what i want to do with my life is write.

ps. this is fabulous. consider it your required reading for the night.

dropped my ankle down

okay so i'm lisening to Freek-a-leek and i realized that in that entire lines of names there aren't any jessicas and then i realized that i've never met a black woman named Jessica. which is pretty interesting. well actually i knew one in middle school but she was creole so she was part french. probably one of the most attractive people i've ever met in my life.

yea i'm on crack, and its okay.

so my finals period has just taken a swing towards the worst when i realized that the paper for econ that i thought was only 5 pages is really *15* pages. beautiful. now the question now becomes, where did this 5 page idea come from? ugh. so i'm not sleeping for the rest of the week it seems. or maybe i just pull 15 pages straight out of my ass and get some sleep. i like how sleep is my new goal.

plus somewhere in there i have take my stuff to the storage place, write spanish papers (about 5), and not lose my sanity. although i may have already lost it long ago.

on a positive note i like the stuff that i've written for my umass class. i think its actually quality stuff. although i'm a bit frightened of reading it in front of the class because thats like being naked in front of people, and while nudity is great when it involves sunny parisian beaches, its not so cool when it involves possible academic humiliation. so i'll let you know how that goes tonight.

i slept funny

so its finally starting to hit me. I'm really going to have to pack up my stuff and leave. its funny how i'm just a little slow sometimes, but i also think its something that keeps me in check. like i know i'm an intelligent woman, but just sometimes I have really ditzy moments. but thats okay, because my brain is always going to be bigger than my breasts. haha. i'm such a dork.

oh finals, you make me lose my sanity.

so blogger is new and improved so I decided that I should also be new and improved. thus, new skin. I was getting really tired of the old one, but i just changed things around and now i like this. it just a matter of getting the comments back up, and all that goodness. so i hope y'all like it.

oh and I'll leave y'all with some links:
*they beat you to it Andy!
*i might start doing this
*verb oppression

oh finals you tease me so

"So hows the studying going?"
"umm i have papers to write, not finals to take"
"wait so you dont have finals"
"i have final papers"
"oh so thats easier right?"
"not really no"
"oh well i'll let you get back to your studying"
"thanks"

::sigh:: finals. I've never loved the idea of having to pull together a paper that ties everything you've learned in a course together while having to balance that with pushing your academic dominance of the material to sway your prof to just give you that bloody A once and for all. and for what really? so my GPA wont tank, and my self worth and intelligence will be vindicated by a little number with some decimals attached to it. bullshit. but whatever. i pay (and when i say "i" i mean my father, and the loan people) pay my $29,170 for me to go to my swanky school. and no i dont go to a "girls school" because thats where rich indulged parents send their 7yr old girls to go to school so they dont have to be bothered with them. i go to a women's college where overachievers come together, eat cookies, drink alcohol, question their sexuality/the meaning of gender, and learn. yea. i'm looking foward to going home and shutting my brain off for a summer. or maybe turning my brain on to new things since i need some distance from everything to figure out what my next move next year will be. grad school is being put on the back burner because i realized the other day that I havent written anything in my time here that I'm seriously proud of. like i've written some stuff that I'm like "eh thats not so bad" but nothing that i'm just like "wow, i'm amazed by the size of my brain" but maybe thats because i have impossible standards for myself and even if i wrote something of any kind of academic significance I wouldnt be able to take it seriously, i'd just notice all the flaws.

i think i just need to get out of things for a while. move to another country. live in the sticks. help people. realize what i'm fighting so hard for. live another life for a year. or more. learn another language. i've forgotten a good chunk of my italian. which is so damn sad since i really love that language. i watch the foreign news in italian sometimes and somehow hearing about a man that plunged to his death in italian just makes the news so much more interesting. it feels like my brain is actually working. i miss that feeling.

i'm excited about this week though, and not so excited at the same time. excited because i'm going to present one of my paintings and do a reading of some of my work for one of my classes. then i'm going to write a paper on the interesection between whiteness (as it is known in the US) and class, specifically focusing on the differance between being "white trash" and being white and rich. although theres not many studies on rich white people so i dont know how i'm going to get data on that. and then i'll pull some spanish papers together. and then do some packing and heavy lifting to the storage unit.

I'll leave you with this because its just the most perfectly explained statement on being pro-reproductive rights. and read the whole thing, even if your not pro-choice or your pro-life or anti-choice or pro-apathy, because its a very well structured argument.

oh and happy mothers day!

I'm a good eater

yea. so I've uncovered another expensive addiction...brie. the delicious french cheese. i can just add this to the list of things that i love but shouldnt do because they're ridiculously expensive. like getting my nails done every week and getting masages. maybe brie will one day become one of those expensive things that becomes incredibly necessary for my sanity, like getting my hair professionally highlighted and cut. or buying ridiculous amounts of sweaters...that happen to be ridiculously expensive and yet oh so perfect for me.

as with many things the first time i ate brie i wasnt obsessed. but after the 3rd and fourth bite i just became hooked. kinda like the first time i ate naan i just thought it was yummy and yet the second time i ate it afterwards i had dreams of the stuff. i find it really funny that i form such deep obsessive relationships with my food even though i'm super tiny. but i love to eat. love it. the other day i had a dream about biscuits. like what the hell? and not just like any biscuit but to a specific biscuit that i ate like six years ago. maybe i should be a food critic.

oh and its the last day of moho class. i still have one umass class to go to but we are finally in the final stretch my friends. except all that i'm going to be doing is writing tiny papers and reading like crazy. i'm flying home on the 20th. so i'm pretty much staying an extra two weeks for no good reason. beautiful.

"hit me baby one more time"

Today was really a marvelous day. It was sunny and I got to wear one of my new sundresses both of which are plusses. I also woke up early, watched tv, and then went off to the picnic on the green, which was lovely. then i went to northhampton and ate yummy cheesecake and had a wonderful conversation with my umass prof. I'm in complete awe of this woman and what she's managed to do in her life. She's just so inspiring, and gives me hope that I can figure out how to live life in my own way and still be happy. After that I went and got yummy indian food again, and this time I tried the garlic chicken and shrimp and even though I was scared when it came out because it looked like baby barf, it was actually delicious, and the nice owner lisened to me and made it very mild like I asked him to. Which was great.

Then Jess and I stopped at this ice cream stand about bought soft serve ice cream for 2 bucks (i got chocolate and vanilla with a chocolate shell) and then we went to an acapella 80's jam, which was *amazing* even though it was super packed, it was really stuffy and hot, and the fire alarm kept going off in the middle of songs. They sang "cowboy take me away" by the dixie chicks and i almost cried it was so amazing. Then they followed it by Lonestars' walking in memphis and pretty much lost all emotional control at that point. I just had a moment in the middle of the song where i just knew that i had made the right decision coming to moho, and that this was the right place and right time for me. which is such a nice thing to realize. But I also learned a valuable lesson: all boys from WPI are just weird. One of their accapella groups came to perform and at first they were kinda lame, like too much old-school barber shop type of stuff but they ended with "Hit me baby one more time" and it hurt I was laughing so much. It was classic.

So yea it was a great, beautiful day, indeed. (oh and lasu your comment on my link made me smile.)

Here's a quiz for y'all to enjoy:
JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*spring*

I love spring! I love it, and I think I love it even more because it feels earned, like I've survived winter and have earned the right to wear my spring girlie dresses. I find it really amusing that I used to be such a tomboy, although I guess I still am in some ways. Like I'm really aggressive and I know that if it came down to it I could kick some ass. Which I find amusing. Another fun thing about spring is that I can completly rejoice in my lack of allergies, since I'm not allergic to life like some of my friends are. For some odd reason I take joy in this. eh.

So this weekend is the beginning of the final stretch. When I start to pull all of my brain power together and try to be as witty as I can possibly get to impress my profs. I have some very interesting assignments this time around, so we'll see how they turn out. I've also been meeting with alot of my profs to get a better feel for what they want for me out of this final stretch because I've found that knowing what someone wants from you upfront is the easiest way to just do what they want and for you to get a happy grade. Plus I'm going out for indian food which is exciting.

the perils of walking

Houston's number 5

pancakes!

I saw this and it made me giggle, which is always good:

What do you dream about?
Name/Nickname:
Age:
Zodiac Sign:	AquariusAriesCancerCapricornGeminiLeoLibraPiscesSagittariusScorpioTaurusVirgo
Fav. Color Combo:	Blue/SilverBlack/WhiteGrey/RedGreen/GoldPink/BlackPurple/BlackBlue/OrangeBlack/RedMix and match theseNone of these
Your dreams generally include:	Oceans and beaches
Approximate number of monthly nightmares:	70
The worst monster you've seen in a dream:
Your dreams are usually	crystal clear
Percentage of dreams involving sex - 74%
Will your dreams ever come true?	(8) - Without a doubt. - (8)
This QuickKwiz by cutelilangelx - Taken 23600 Times.

things are strangely looking up for me, or my attitude is changing. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I just got out of my umass class, and since jess is such a rocking person we went to get pizza first and i didnt have to ride the bus there *and* then she picked me up from class. so that was great because i didnt have to ride the bus, which is marvelous. plus we go to have a really amazing conversation about weigh obsession, and how odd it is that I've managed to not be obsessed about my weight or what i eat. I think it has everything to do with my mom who always told me to wear to wear the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts, as long as it wasnt vulgar, so I'll have to thank my mom at some point for making sure that I had a great self image.

and what else? i had really great sleep last night, even though i was really cold at first, but then i put on layers of clothes and then blankets and i slept so wonderfully. i need to be incredibly hot to go to sleep, its kinda odd but i just sleep alot better when my room is above 90. oh and i tried the seafood pizza today, even though i was scared about it, and was almost certain in was going to be sick after eating it. in the end though, i made it through okay, and did not hurl which is a good thing since not knowing how fresh seafood is always disturbs me in the worst way.

burn|out: n. emotional exhaustion from mental stress

The end of the semester is always a very strange emotional period for me. I start sleeping through classes, and being much crankier than normal. Typically this is because I am overwhelmed by academic pressures and my own psychotic need to be perfect. This semester, while academic stress is playing a huge part of it, I'm also burdened by a lot of fear for what's to come. I'm not sure what I'm doing this summer, which is bad. But I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, which is worse. I feel like the summer is a microcosm for the rest of my life, and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up.

Thankfully I talked to Alesha today, which once again put into perspective how (while plausible) I'm not going to screw up my life, no matter what I do with it, because there's no way I could possibly do worse than she has. I don't have a kid. I finished high school, and I'm on my way to finishing college and in the four years that its supposed to take no less. I'm also not a drug addict of any sort. (no matter how much some days I wish I was). So this is good. Its not so good that I now feel like I'm doing great, but its good enough to keep me from losing whatever thread of sanity I have left.

If I were home, I would probably just take a really long bubble bath and think about what I'm doing, in order to regain my focus. Since I live in dorm, this is not an option, since our tub is just gross. I don't like to think about what has gone on in there. I barely like to take showers in there, but that's mostly because I'm paranoid of what could be lurking between tiles, even though I know that the showers are cleaned/bleached every day. If I were home/in Texas I would also blow off some steam by going out with some friends. Since I'm here and its finals time it seems all of my friends are in the same freezied/unstable shape that I'm in. Plus not being 21 I cant just go to a bar and drink with my friends that are of age, and this is sad.

So yea. That's me. I have 5 more days of class left and I honestly have no want to go to any of them. Well except my UMass class which is the only one which I feel is not a waste of my time. blah.

Some fun links to let y'all waste some time:
*Gonorrhea is so scary, and yet still hilarious.
*not your typical horoscope
*I have a problem
*Strangely fascinated by this show, even though its so wrong.

stuffy heads are no bueno

yea i definately just woke up. and i definately went to sleep around this time yesterday. being sick+sudaffed+advil= very interesting dreams. involving colorfull rivers with little boats that spin around. there was a lot of spinning in my dream. whats no so cool about being sick is not being able to tell what exactly it is that i have. i went to webmd to try to remedy this, but that was not so helpful. it was a little overwhelming since it told me that i could have an ear infection, or it could be just the flu or cold, but then it starts listing random things off that i could also maybe have but probably dont have but just to be safe their going to scare me and list them in there like "well a fever could really mean that you maybe just be dehydrated" which doesnt get me any closer to actually figuring out what i have. so i drink water, sleep, and dont eat because the concept of eating is just gross right now. lovely.

but at the very least i'm getting alot of sleep. so thats a plus.

monkeys are people too

I'm starting to understand why people go abroad in their junior year. Its basically to keep themselves from going crazy from all the work that you typically have to do. Its just an academic vacation. While I'm glad that I stayed, I wish I had taken some classes this semester on pass/fail and that I had done some of my work ahead of time. I just never got on a schedule, although when your reading 3 books and writting 4 papers a week, theres really no way to try to think ahead. although i wished i had. i'm glad i didnt take a fifth class though.

but yea, its definately 2:40 in the am and I'm sitting here trying to find out where Nancy Hartsock is, and whether this woman is alive or dead and where she's teaching. ugh. damn sneeky feminist theorist who decide to write something amazing and then disappear. yea. i'm so looking foward to turning this in tomorrow and sleeping. I'm supposed to go to the March in Washington for Women's lives. (i'm too lazy to link) but I think I have a have a major paper due in like 2 weeks so i dont know about it, i may not get to go. so ready for this semester to be done. so ready. i've reached that critical point in the semester where its not completly absurb to start thinking about packing my things up and just heading home and forgetting all about school. at least the weathers nice.

I'm starting to wonder why when one aspect of my life goes poorly, another one just magically becomes better. like for instance I'm out of my bummer phase and into a much happier optimistic phase (which has everything to do with straightening things out with andres) but now I just have absolutely no want to do any of my work. and the thing is, that this semester isnt typical. I cant just bs a paper and go to bed. I have to do some random work, like writing annotated bibliographies. i did my readings i just dont want to sit there and summarize everything that they said. ugh. sleepy.

bum|mer: n. [slang] an unpleasant experience

Alright I'm posting something for the sake of not having the depressing post still up. I'm feeling better. Still bummed. this still sucks, and I'm still not quite sure what happened. I'm thinking this breakup is just going to keep hitting me in really depressing unexpected moments. like it hasn't quite sunk in that this is over and that its not going to be the same, and that I'm actually single. Whatever that means. ::sigh:: i'm not good at being single. but yea. I'm taking the proactive approach to this whole mourning process, I did one day of incredible pathetic-ness (that would be Wednesday) and then I got some sense talked into me by my mom and Charles and now I'm doing the "this sucks, but don't wallow in it because its just going to get worse" type of thing. from the same school of thought that tells you not to pick scabs because it just makes it gross, infected, and then it scars. and no one likes scars. but theres still a sick pleasure in picking scabs. but you shouldnt do it because thats gross.

so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?

I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.

I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.

the end of an era

so this morning concluded what was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life, but not the same horrible way were you have a horrible day because someone dies (or in my case has cancer/heart attack) but in the way where the day just snowballs unexpectedly into something horrible that you didnt expect it to. i hate this feeling like i just managed to fuck up/lose something that at one point made me so happy. how did this happen? i dont know. but of course i'll survive because i always do, i just wanted this one to work so badly....even though i didnt always act like i did.

tried to buy myself flowers to cheer me up (the weather here is overcast and that never makes me feel great) but the flower shop was gone. I think that just sums up everything. I turn around and my favorite little place is gone and I'm left there starring at the empty boxes left behind. why am i so terrified of being alone? i'm really not alone, because i have amazing friends but it feels like every semester i lose someone else that i was close to. it makes me scared of who i'll lose next. why am i sharing this? i should be asleep, my body shouldnt be functioning anymore since i only slept for maybe an hour, if that. this is the longest ickiest day ever. but at least my hair was cute.

I'm such a loser

There are days when everything goes amazingly well, you have witty things to say in class, your hair looks cute, and everything runs along perfectly. Today was not one of those days. It was the type of day were you get pounded by work, and manage to fuck something up in everyone of your classes. The type of day where you start comteplating different ways you could be injured that would prevent you from having to fullfill any of your responsibilities/explain why you are such a loser. I came up with a few good ones, such as being hit by a car, getting into a serious car accident, falling from the library stairs and breaking my leg, and a brain tumor. Since I can only will a tumor, I'm pretty much rooting for the first two. The bad ideas that were rejected included jumping out of my window, but since I live on the second floor so that really wouldnt do anything. So instead I did what any other rational person would do: I sucked it up like a big girl, took a shot of vodka, and made my peace with the fact that I suck at life this week, but thats okay because I can always just become a housewife, and besisdes which who needs sleep?

Blah and today started out with so much promise. Oh well. Between me and sleep is finishing a book and writing intelligent questions for my econ class since I'm leading discussion this week. Why didnt I just go to a state school where I could surround myself with mediocre ppl and feel smart? ugh. i miss feeling smart.

I've decided that when I grow up and stop being a loser I want to be Lisa Hilton and heres why:
1. She's hot and smart
2. She's vicious, honest, and funny
3. She's an erotic book snob

did i mention she's hot? i cannot wait for this semester to be over.

cliff notes are sexy

quick summary of the past week:

*saw an amazing mexican film (not available in the US), Amarte Duele
*went to the ben and jerry's factory (life goal accomplished)
*bought the cutest shoes ever! (they're brighter in person, and the pocket is incredibly convenient)
*was rejected by Canada
*was almost not allowed to re-enter the US because of la migra
*chose my room for next year (rm. 112)
*took a mental health day and went to target instead of class bc i'd been averaging 5hrs in the library every day
*shared a pint of dubling mudslide to make life better again
*heard uma narayan speak in class
*ate indian food for the first time (was plesantly surprised by the yummy naan)
*went to Boston for the day

yea thats pretty much it. i've been a really odd mood lately, hence the not posting and skipping class. I think i've pretty much had it with the semester and I'm just ready for summer and swimming and warm weather. but yea i have 5 weeks of school left so i'll just suck it up.

oh and why am i number 29 on the easy sex locator?

fear the beaver

this week kicked my ass and I'm not ashamed to say it. typically school doesnt really do it for me. yes i go to a nice swanky women's college that cost almost as much as my father makes in a year, but its actually really rare that i feel like i'm being pushed to grow both academically and emotionally. does that mean i'm full of myself? more than likely. the point though is that this week did that for me. which might have everything to do with this being the extreme version of school, since two weeks were rolled into one with the added joy of sleep deprivation and weird unresolved emotional issues about almost losing my father. (speaking of which he's out of the hospital and doing well).

Its interesting because i feel like i've really grown in a very short period of time, and that I may be growing out of some things that I never thought I would grow out of. and it all started with a typical tuesday umass class that just pissed me off enough to remind me why i hate bush and right wing politics and why i cant be around people who choose to live their lives in complete ignorance. The next day i managed to get my econ class to talk about hermaphordites, and to talk about them not as freaks but as people whose bodies dont conform to what we think is "natural" and that it simply means that we have to expand what we consider to be "normal." Then i had a conversation with someone who actually said to me that condoms dont protect against HIV. That was just scary.

Most importantly what I learned this week was that silence doesnt help anyone. Because silence is the same thing as consent and agreement. It only breeds shame and no one should be ashamed not even those who dress is bunny suits to get sexual sulfillment. Good for them for being in touch with their sexuality, some people never are and thats a greater loss.

Here are a few links for y'all:
* This is just blatant racism. The fact that this ran in a national magazine is just ridiculous.

*The april fools site from the lovely and amazing folks of planned parenthood.

*The last of my very favorite series of "I did it for science."

pancakes

i cant believe I forgot to post about these things:

*On the way to pick my bro up at the airport there was a giant "Jews for Jesus" bus. Like giant. I'd always heard about these ppl but I always assumed it was a joke, but by the looks of their website its really not. I still dont get it though, so if anyone wants to explain it to me that would be lovely.

*While home I was instructed to go to the mall and buy my dad new pjs since thats what he would be living in from now on. (I got him nice ones that didnt remind me of a hospital gown or Homer's mumu in that episode where his goal is to become obese) anyways, so i'm walking to around and there is a man in a giant bunny suit (for easter obviously) and he starts waving at me. Now I already think humans in animal suits are weird so I try not to make eye contact. The man then proceeds to start blowing kisses at me and dancing. It was then that I realized that my life had hit a new low since I was getting hit on by a man in a bunny suit.

*thick texas accents never fail to amuse me.

*For further reference never miss a weeks worth of class. Especially when you typically barely make it through classes when you dont miss class. i cant wait for this week to be over and to sleeeeep.

I had more but now i forgot. I'm too damn sleepy. Damn me and living on the other side of campus and going to bed at 4 in the morning bc I stayed up and chatted with ev. i just wish i could nap. i cant wait until next yr when i'll be living right on campus and not across a river and up a hill. Oh and another thing, eating salads while good for my body just doesnt fill me up the way my old meat diet did. (I'm now eating salads first so that I can slowly insert veggies into my diet since I have really eaten any in the last 3 yrs i've been in college, I previously just ate meat. lots of meat.) So this is sad bc I ate at 12:30 and now I'm sooo hungry again! maybe it would help if i ate breakfast. we'll see.

Monday Monday

mondays suck, but I think we all know this. Tragety has fallen upon our blogging community this week as one of our own has been struck by the most tragic of tragic fates. His father found his blog and has suddenly learned of the secret alter ego of their mild mannered son. Which gives us a time to pause and reflect about what exactly we write about within our blogs. Always filter. *always* Do not write about wild orgies with kegs and hot women. Write about the weather and that interesting sign that you saw on the way to class. Or that guy who cut you off on your way to your friends house. Do not give actually names, and if you do make sure you clear it with everyone before you post.

Actually this whole incident has got me thinking about my blog and what I want to do with it. Its rather bold of me to have my name attached to this, since anyone can goggle for me and get my blog. This has happened before and I had to block some people and it just wasnt pleasant. So I'm going to think of moving the blog and regaining my annonimity. or something. we'll see.

Todays random public service annoucement is of the real dolls, the world's finnest love toy. Now I thought about posting this here for a really long time before I actually did it. First I didnt want y'all to think I was into strange silicone love dolls, so I'm going to explain that I'm not in the market for a love doll. I found this on nerve.com which is one of my most favorite sites, because of its humor. It was one of the "i did it for science" experiments. I decided to post it because I feel that its a site that helps to demistify the male species, since this is obviously what some very rich sick men are into. Their into silicone dolls that look like crack whores or alternately into perfectly sculpted women that they dont have to feed and that dont talk. I recommend reading the faqs section, since these ppl are ridiculous. yea. thats all I'm going to say about it.

Oh and wtf?

long time no blog

so I'm still in Texas and I wish it was for happier reasons, but my dad had a small heart attack last monday but he didnt know it was a heart attack and drove across texas to mcallen and back and didnt go to the doctor until Friday, so I went with him. From that point on it was one surprise after another (he was hospitalized for observation then they transfered him to intensive care) until today when he had two byasses done on his heart. Thankfully it went well, it was a four hour surgery and he's looking so much better now than he was when he first got out of surgery. He had a breathing tube and was covered in cables and it was too much. Then later on he was on a respirator but still when he took breaths it was incredibly strained and he kept slipping out of consiousness. But this last visit he was a gatrillion times better and could talk to us, it was still strained and sometimes i couldnt understand him and he was really pale, but he was himself. We had some laughs about how all of us are changing our diets, my brother is eating organic and I cant look at a burger anymore. I tried to eat a whopper and it was pretty disgusting. I've pretty much just been in the hospital from 10-8pm, keeping my daddy company. He's been such an amazing sport about the whole thing and I think things are going to be okay. Although its amazing to think about how this time last week if you had told me my dad was going to need major surgery i would have looked at you like you had an arm growing out of ur head. I'm in theory going back on friday, and I just hope he's out of the icu by then.

Going home! Going home! Going home!

Its funny, I've been here for 3yrs now, and Texas is still home. right now I think its more of a weather thing than anything else, so home=someplace warm. Although sometimes I do feel that Moho is home, but this year its been a little odd since Yara left and I never see Ev so my room isn't really "home" its more of a place I rarely see. but yea, very excited about Texas, about seeing my mami, and my dad and eating (!!!) and about just taking a break from Moho to re-examine and re-gain my focus. I need to figure out how to make a great summer happen, since after the fiasco that was summer 03' I feel I deserve to have a rocking summer. well see though.

today is a beautiful day though, but I think it just has to do with perspective and having just a positive character about things. I'm starting to realize that although I'm a realist and rather blunt about situations, I'm actually a very optimistic person, like whenever I hear ppl say that "oh well that will never happen, its impossible" I just think that's such a narrow view of time. Humanity has accomplished so much in the short period of time that we have been in existence. There's nothing that is impossible. I think this new perspective has been brought about by two changes in my frame of reference: 1) my friends are all positive people, and having no drama in ur life just helps have a positive view of what's possible and 2) I've started to see that I'm much more connected with my past/history than I've ever thought before. Things are accomplished in generations, not in singular lifetimes, and best of all is that your not alone in any of it since your tie to your family takes you back to the very beginning of time and forward into the future. so all in all very exciting.

and now getting of my sappy soapbox, I'll leave you with some gross tidbits of what people are doing with dead people:
*Yea, this is just much to disgusting to really think about
*As is this

Shake it like a salt shaker

Today just rocked.

yes it was snowing and its March, yes it was like 26 degrees, but today was just such a great day and I really needed that.

It started out like any other crappy Tuesday, I was up at 8:30am and had writers block. For the life of me I couldn't get out the letter I was supposed to be writing to this amazing Jewish writer who was coming into my class. Like what could I possibly say to a woman who has won tons of awards and has ppl constantly telling her how brilliant she is? So I'm late, and since I have to email my prof before noon with the letter, I have think of something. Adding to my stress is that I have a presenter coming into my Spanish class, so they told me to not be late. Of course I'm late. I'm always late. I finally get some semblance of a letter spit out and by this point I'm scrambling to get my stuff in order. I head out of my room and of course I forgot my one card, which I need to get into my door/eat, so I go back. I grumbled to myself "today's going to suck."

little did I know that today was going to rock. I was only a couple of minutes late to Spanish since I ran to class, and my presenter rocked. She spoke the most perfect Spanish, and had an adorable Puerto Rican accent, and she was just great. Then one of Spanish professors (who I am just in love with) brought up like class, race, gender, and language issues into our little discussion on bilingual education and I was in my own geeky heaven. Then lunch came, and I had both a really great discussion and a really delicious clam chowder.

after lunch I checked my mail, and I got the Hall President position that I wanted in the dorm that I wanted. By this point I'm just jumping up and down like a little girl. The my femtheory class I was on point, and like arguing with the prof and bringing up good points, which is great bc that's what I like to do. but even better than that was that some other ppl brought up some great points so there was an actual discussion going on. Then I got to umass and we had the opportunity to hear and talk to Marjorie Agosin about her book, El angel de la memoria, and she was just amazing. The courage that this woman has is amazing.

So yea, that's my rocking day. How was yours?

*Ohhh and I learned that the Shakers practice celibacy so there are only four left in the world. amazing.

cutie cutie

right so, today is a blah day. today is the definition of a blah day. Its snowing, again, and its March. Its really sucks. I'm trying to remain positive but really I'm too tired for that to work. This isnt a positive post....umm let me think. I have "Hey Mama" by the Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head...I'm addicted to the video. Its funny because I start dancing to it when I get bored and that makes me look carzy bc ppl dont know that i have a song going on in my head.

okay the people in the library are riduclous. They're just loud and obnoxious. "How do you spell english?" "i dont care."

eeek. home on thrusday! sooo excited for clear skies and seventy degree weather, and for yummy yummy empanadas and arepas....and carne asada! ohh sooo delicious.

ok this is just asking for trouble. stupid civil engineers.

I added these two things around 8ish:
*i think this is probably only amusing for ppl at moho but I'll add it in here anyways
*I like how this is considered news in Africa

fog makes me sleepy

Todays "what the f..k?" momment is brought to you by Microsoft. Is Bill Gates out of his mind? Does he really need more money?


You are Lucy!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

*monkeys*

It is the end of my week and I am exhausted, but really thats every week so I'm not too concerned about it. Today was rather uneventful, sleep in, get to class late, pull a show and tell out of my ass (i talked about Gloia Anzaldua who I could recite in my sleep), and then had fem theory where I never quite know if my professor is loving what i'm saying or wanting me to stop probletamizing these theories...and then I had to go to the Career Development Center, which I dont really go to, but I had a miers-briggs assement and it was really fun. it turns out that i'm a bunch of really interesting combinations.

yea. i havent gotten much in terms of work done, and i need to go to a lecture tonight....eek. yea this post isnt exciting. what is exciting is that i'm going home, and that my boy is coming this weekend, and that i may see Havana Night tonight (I've been having very comforting dreams about Cuba lately, I dont know what thats about) and that I'm going home next weekend. I'm going to utilize my time being home to 1) learn more about my parents since I dont know much about their lives before me and 2)convince my parents to let me go to Colombia for part of the summer (like a month). thats my goal. also to get a good tan.

i'm really shallow sometimes. so much to do....so little time/energy. thats all.

Tuesday

Today was not the death of me as most Tuesday's are. I think it has everything to do with the fact that the weather has finally turned and its beautiful 50 degree, the snow has melted (almost completly), and its just fresh and cool. Spring, summer, and fall are really my favorite seasons. Okay so really I just hate winter, it drags the life out of me and makes me want to hibernate and die. Thats probably what i get for being born in the land of 80 degree weather. yumm. 80 degrees. Right now though I'm just marveling at how gorgeous 50 is. It is being rumored that sometime in the next week it will hit 60 degrees, which means that I will finally *finally* be able to wear my beautiful yellow dress. yay!

so this is my excitement for the day. actually no, my excitement is that I'm going home! From March 11 to the 18th I will be in beautiful wonderous Texas! with my mommy! and daddy! yay! and before people start getting their panties in a knot, yes I will see y'all too put first I'm going to go to beach with my mami. Because she gave birth to me. and she rocks. the end.

TGIF

last night was the opening night of Junior Show. Personally I thought it was all going to crash and burn, since "opening night" was really our very first dress rehearsal. Everyone was shocked by how well it went. Plus I actually remembered my lines, which is amazing given that I was 1)super nervous and 2)we had only run thru our skit twice and even then not everyone was there. so that went well.

another great thing was that i did not have to pillow fight with anyone in my underwear. yes, you hear me right underwear. one of my friends was late, so i was roped into agreeing to step in and take her place on stage. yea. i'm soo happy when i saw her come in. It really wouldnt have been a big deal if i had been wearing cuter underware, but since no one told me there was a possibility ppl would be seeing them, i didnt care that i wasnt matching today. that was the valuable lessoned i learned, forget wearing clean underware bc you might be rushed to the hospital, wear clean and matching undies bc at anygiven point the entire school could have to see them.

interesting items for y'all to puruse:

*new SAT's would allow keep Shakespear from getting into college
*Haiti is in the middle of a revolution.
*Todays public service announcement.

What the?

okay I think the world has started to go crazy...Well crazier than it normally is. Clear Channel is pulling Howard Stern off the air and for indecency. Ok, now I'm not a fan of Stern, I personally think that he is rarely actually funny/shocking and typically just obnoxious/stupid, but the thing is no one should be deciding what is decent and indecent for people to watch. Stern has a huge audience, so there are people who share his mindset, or enjoy him enough to watch his show. I just think its frightening that it seems like civil rights/freedoms are being trampled on left and right but not many are saying anything about it.

which brings me to my next rant. I just finished reading this marvelous book about the Brown v. Board of Education decision, and I learned a bunch of stuff. For example, did you know that one of the first cases that the NAACP brought forth was on the segregation of Mexican American children in California schools? I didn't realize that other people of color, were also segregated. well except for the Japanese who got placed into camps for no reason what so ever in other to "protect" the American people. So I finished this book, and since I like to relate things in the past with what is going on in the present I thought of the current legal struggle with gay marriage. I was watching the news yesterday and there was a statement from Sen. McCain, republican, who said that he disagreed with amendment to the constitution making gay marriages illegal. While I agree with him what struck me was his next statement that "the American people are not ready yet for a legalization of gay marriage." At one point the American people weren't ready to end slavery or segregation, so what kind of logic is that? The courts are in place to say what is legal and what is not, not to just follow whatever the public is ready for. So go San Francisco and taking a bold step and allowing gay marriage. We'll look back on this fifty years from now and think how silly we all were to resist.

School wins this time

I spent the entire day in my room cleaning and I finally have my room the way that I want it, its a bit of a shame that its taken me all the way until February to finally unpack all of my things and put them in order. Oh well. Its done now, and that's all that matters. My room looks like I actually live in it, not some slob that leaves her sweaters all over the place. So that's exciting.

What isn't exciting is my schedule this week...I have rehearsals for Junior Show (its a parody show that the Juniors put on every year), plus my regular schedule. I haven't memorized my lines...Which is no good, and I haven't finished my readings or my papers for the week. Which is also no good, since that basically means that I'm either going to a)get no sleep b)not do my readings for the week or c)all of the above. I'm so screwed, and not in the good way. But hey at least my room is clean, right?

Damn VH1 and its never ending cycle of I love the 80's, sucking me in and not letting me finish my work. Damn you bad TV!

I think I'm gonna quit whinnying and do some work.

Pointless post

I'm actually in a great mood today, which probably has everything to do with the fact that I slept last night and just ate three wonderful chocolate truffles...yummm truffles.

but more than that I think that since the weather is relatively nice (its a lovely sunny 36 degrees) I'm just in a better mood. plus I had a really nice day of classes and my week is now over. Finally. Now I just have to better prepare myself for next week.

I'm taking this wonderful Spanish for heritage speakers class and today we learned about Spain, which typically would drive me crazy since I cant deal with their damn lisp, and I personally (and this is based on no facts what so ever) that Spaniards are just full of themselves because their "European." the truth is they lisp and killed tons of indigenous people and destroyed tons of people. The point of this story though is that we learned that there are four different languages in Spain, which I didn't know. So thus I am sharing this knowledge which you now so that we can all have tons of wrinkles in our brains.

*the previous posts comments are very interesting, so if you haven't already, please read them*

exhaustion

I am exhausted which is the perfect time to post because it means that theres no filter on just typing. and thinking. hopefully.

so Tuesdays can just suck it, because I start at 9 and dont finish until midnight and thats ridiculous. like I had to scarf down my dinner because I had to catch the bus, and thats not right. I need a damn car. but yea.

my jewish women writers class is intense because this woman (who is amazing) does not bullshit. she just doesnt. and coming from a public hsep education I basically got my degree in high level bullshitting. but the class just requires tons out of me. like theres the fear of being called on (she likes to randomly call on people to keep them on their toes), the pressure of writing non-bullshit papers (we write at least 2 every week), and the physical drain of having that class from 6-9pm when all that i want to do is turn my brain off and sleep. so today I just wasn't there. and honestly i think thats okay, because who really remembers if i say something brilliant in class? maybe no one notices that, so why bother trying to impress? but most importantly I'm worried about my mom, who rocks and who i wish i was with right now because if stuff starts going wrong again....i dont know what i'll do.

which brings me to my second point. I have a new found hatred for the Hilton sisters. Who are they to be born with that much priviledge? I just want to take them and their stupid dogs with diamond encrusted collars and take them to Calcutta or Bogota so they can see what real people experience. That way they can just feel intense guilt for the stupid way they just waste their money. Thats just a waste of an opportunity to help people. Also its unfair, since everyone should share at least some pain in their lives and I'm not seeing any pain listed within their E!True Hollywood story.

dammit. not again.

heres the thing about my life, when things start to go even the slightest bit better everything just turns to shit.

this isnt fair.

she doesn't deserve this.

i just want to go home.

instead i'm going to boston. and hiding.

woohoo!

my school week is done and I just found out that as soon as I declare my women's studies major I'll only have 3 classes left to finish the major, which is insane! But wonderful, I'm so so so excited about this and the professor who is head of women's studies right now is a quarter of a century old and I walked in and was a little scared since I don't normally do well with the older people but she was soo cool and have so much spunk. So today is a happy day. I can finally leave econ behind or even still do both if I really wanted to, but I dont think I will. Yay for me!

this is what happens when you take all of the requirements for a major just because you feel like it!

now to deal with my busted arm (which is now creeking for some weird reason) and to do all of my readings for next week. delicious.

read this.

I am a strange southern girl, because I dont think of myself as American but I definately think of myself as being a southerner (and andy if you tell me i'm from the southwest i may resort to violence). and I'm even stranger still because I came to school in north where people seem to enjoy to just bash the south, which is funny considering how I don't think we ever just sat around and talked about "the north" or those "yankees." I like the south. I happen to think that Texas is a wonderful place with a ton more diversity than in the north, and that I'll be incredibly happy when i can move back down and live in a nice big pretty house.

so today in my econ of race class we of course talked about "the south" and how awful things were down there. and i started to feel myself getting angry, almost to the extent as if someone was talking about my mother. well almost, nothing makes me as angry as that. Mostly because the majority of the women in the class are international students that are under the impression that discrimination is more of an internal/mental issue than an actual reality, probably since they've only experienced living in South Hadley which is like a road and a supermarket.

but yea, so of course we were talking about schools and i mentioned the booker and its very interesting system of segrating people based on whether they were engineering students or not, and how the downstairs people had the options of taking typing and shop but we never did. which got me thinking about HSEP and what a strange high school it is, and how i pretty much hated going there but at the same time it was the best place that i could be. which is odd since i still have a strong dislike for the school.

using the power of google I found this so that if i start feeling really nostaligic towards HISD I can purchase some humpcaps or whatever else strikes my fancy.

The longest day.

Today started out badly, I was a dumbass and went to bed at 2am because I got addicted to Mozaki Blocks....its highly addictive, probably because I'm still addicted to old school tetris (my first love). Of course I have readings and class in the morning...yea I woke up feeling grumpy. But then I skipped Spanish (which i actually like) and wrote a paper for my Umass class which is due tonight. Of course its all bullshit, but the paper is about which character I identified with the most, so I figure I can't be wrong about who I identified with.

But yea, then after that the day got much better since I had lunch with Jess and then got to class late. But my feminist theory class is really exciting because I dont feel like an idiot since the class is pretty much a review of the ass kicking I got last semester when I immersed myself into the briliance that is Michel Foucault. Today I decided that if I ever get the oportunity of meeting a dead person he's it without a doubt, because he died before finishing his theory and I have a bunch of questions to ask him because I am a giant dork.

umm. yes. So overall for being not even close to halfway through with my day (since I dont make it back from Umass until around 10ish) things are looking up. And the weather is super nice today we are in the high 30's/low 40's which is (let me just say it) *wicked* exciting. Dammit I need to move out of this state before I start actually using that word in conversation.

Oh and my arm only hurts when I try to raise it or when I strech it out, so thats progress. Plus I'm going to Boston this weekend and once I get done with today my week becomes soooo much easier. yay!

modays suck

okay I woke up today from a really good dream and thought "today shall be a good day." but it wasnt. My arm still hurts and since its my right arm everytime that I have to type or open a door or write something it hurts. Add to that my back acting up again and we're just having too much fun. yeah.

also my brain doesnt work on mondays. this isnt good because I need to be productive so that i can survive the rest of the week. but i just want to sleep. no good at all. but instead of sleep i have to write what should be a very simple and straight foward paper on self censorship and instead i'm in a computer lab starring at the screen and wondering if theres anything new posted at fark.com. theres not.

also i'm tired of winter. and not only that but i believe that winter should be banned for the following reasons:
1. its dangerous, all that snow and ice is just asking for people to fall to their deaths
2. its unattractive, yes snow is pretty when its falling down but its not pretty when you add in gravel and sand and turn it brown
3. it makes people grumpy, no one is attractive in a large coat and hat. no one.
4. its not right to have it be so cold that your hair could break off
5. hair gets messed up from all that wind

okay so number 5 is a little weak but i live list in odd numbers.

ice sucks

So yesterday it got into the 30's and I was happy. Today it was back to good ol'1. Yes thats right, it said 18 degrees feels like 1 degree with the wind chill. When its 1 things like water freeze and when you live on a hill that means that you're screwed. Today was the first time since I've been here that I've fallen. Sure I've had some close calls before, but i was always careful, watched were I went, and regained my stability before falling. Yea...falling sucks. Now my arm is all screwed up since the weight of my entire body fell on it. and it hurts.

But since I am now a cripple (or at least will be for the next week) i got all of my work done until Wednesday. Which means I'll get it all finished tomorrow and be done for the week. hopefully.

now read this.

EEK!

Some days you wake up feeling like you are completly on top of everything and that you are completly in control of your life. Today was not one of those days. I need to just stop time and get in control of my life. Its the beginning of my semester and there is nothing that I want to do. Thats no good. Going into Boston last weekend was probably not the smartest thing because now I'm a bit behind on the readings and just need to get a grip on this semester before it completly gets out of my control.

But now I have no time to get it done since I have to go to Umass and take a class and then come back and sleep. eeek! no time. Another problem is that my room is a vortex where I cant get anything productive done, which probably has more to do with me having cable than with anything else. I just get sucked into bad awful things on TV and then the next thing that I know 3 hours of my life have faded away.

so yea. I have to get into some kind of order. And why is the beginning of the semester so much more stressful than the end of it? thats probably just me though.

Super Bowl!

Went to Boston to watch the game and that game rocked! And theres probably nothing more fun than watching a game like that in a house full of MIT frat boys. and normally I dont even watch football, but that was great and might be reason enough for me to learn more about the sport.

but yea, right after that last second win by the Pats I ran upstairs grabbed my stuff and then we got the hell out of Boston, since those kids are going to riot all night and we didnt feel like being trapped there.

Oh and did anyone else see Janet's boob during halftime? we tivoed it and got to slow it down and replay it, was that planned? the look on her face was priceless though. this probably explains it though. Another thing what the hell is that thing on her breast? so yea, wonderful weekend and that game rocked. and i wish i'd been in Houston to party tonight but sadly I'm stuck in the cold. Hope all of y'all had a blast!

Oh and this is adorable!

Boston

Ok this weather thing is ridiculous. Its just silly. I look at the weather report and get all excited because its going to be in the 30's but then when the day comes its says something like "27 degrees feels like 7 degrees" and thats when I get sad. Because I'm excited and thinking that i might actually get some decent/livable weather and then its not there.

But I'm going to Boston today which is good because I get to see andy and eat real food and bad because I have a shitload of reading and work that needs to be done. eek. but I'm not taking a class at Amherst that i thought I might take, so that makes things better since with 4 classes and a gym I think I have my hands full.

Alright so now on to the joy of packing.

You are 27% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

I'm back!

Okay I've been a very bad blogger and I apologize but life and laziness got in the way of things. I've started classes and they're all pretty intense and I'm trying to decide if I really need to take 5 classes or if 4 and a gym is okay for me (I normally take 5 but most people take 4)...I just dont want to be bored, but my classes seem intense enough that it wont be a problem. We'll see though.

Both of these maps make me sad:


create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide



create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide


I must travel more. Thats the plan.

oh also think of this as a public service announcement.

Cuba!

I would be an awful blogger if I didnt at least post a little something while inside Cuba so here it is:

Yesterday was amazing!

I went snorkelling along the coral reef outside of Trinidad, Cuba and it was amazing amazing amazing! except now i´m burned. and this computer sucks and i have 3 minutes left on my card. oops. ummm...Cuba rules except I´m glad to be heading back tomorrow since i got super sick for half the trip and thought I was going to die from my fever. not fun.

ok 2 min.

ummm. I´m in Cienfuegos....which is nice. my camera died so I have no pictures. and yea. one minute. this computer sucks. the end.

alright kids

okay this is it, tonight I will leave for Miami, and tomorrow morning I shall be on my merry way to Cuba! Strangely the flight doesnt leave until 1pm but we have to check in at 10am. But the flight only takes an hour so thats good.

Before I leave I still need to pack and translate some papers. eeek. kinda cutting it close but its okay.

okay kiddos, when i get back i'll post some pictures and tell some stories and it'll be like I never left for 11 days.

woohoo!

Its 80 in Cuba! I just got way more excited about my trip! I'm going to Cuba! yay! be excited for me!

a slow news day

This time next week I will be in Havana, Cuba. Thats just crazy. but really exciting, because it seems like I'm actually going and I have a ticket to Miami, and a hotel for the night, and I'm actually going. A tad bit scary, but thats okay because its only ten days, and its something different than what I would be doing if I just stayed home.

I wanted to post some random things, like how the news is just ridiculous, I just heard a report about college students and drinking, and the whole time I'm thinking "this is news?" But maybe its just a slow news day.

oh and during this break I realized that my nightmares have changed. Before I used to have nightmares about witches and falling off really high distances but now my nightmares are about having like 30 minutes to finish a giant paper. Thats just weird how my nightmares are now all school related but as andy said probably directly related to my finals.

umm thats all I have. I'm vaguely thinking about changing the format before I leave for Cuba, but right now I'm just thinking about it.

yay!

i got my hair cut today and its super cute, very Mandy Moore. and it makes me happy since the lady didnt straighten my hair, like more hair places do, she just washed it and cut tiny little layers into it and then let me go. and now its super cute and not frizzy and it makes me happy. the perfect thing to make me excited about my Cuba trip, since I was getting scared that I would end up with bad hair in all my vacation pictures. yes I worry about stupid things, but thats good bc it means that nothing awful is happening in my life and I can just worry about my hair. life is good.

i really should get a digital camera. then i could post my mandy moore cute hair online. but then i'd get weid stalkers. and that wouldnt make me happy. since stalkers are never fun.

laziness is an art

so. i'm home. been home for a while now, and I've pretty much just been watching bad tv and sleeping all day. umm. yea this isnt a very interesting post. umm lets see...so andy came to visit for a few days and that was really fun. i had to finish my stupid cuba paper, so i didnt get to spend tons of time with him, but it was still fun. we watched bad tv and went out to eat. and then his mom showed up on friday night, and we went to go eat with them. then the next morning they left. and then a couple of days later my bro showed up, but his bag didnt. umm and then it did. i saw Big Fish last night and it was a really good movie. although we got there late and i had to sit in the very first row and that wasnt so much fun. but it worked out.

i'm leaving for cuba next week, and i'm a little nervous about it. we're having some problems with the travel agency and it seems like we dont have our visas yet... i really hope its not going to be a problem. i hope everything goes well. while i'm in Cuba I wont be able to communicate with anyone since its 3 dollars per minute and internet connections are not easy to find. but i'll take pictures and then post them.

and i'll bring back cool things from cuba, so let me know what you want and i'll see what i can do.

15 hours!

We are down to the final 15 hrs before I begin my journey back to Texas. I have to clean (since I wont be back for a month), pack, and get as much of my Cuba paper done as is humanely possible. The ideal would be for me to finish it, but thats impossible. If my battery worked I might be able to get it finished on the plane, but it doesnt, so I'm just going to sleep.

In the last 5 days I have written over 25 pages and taken a corporate finance final. Thats just insane. What is more insane is the fact that I am still awake and coherrent even though I'm not looking too good since I've been sleeping in 4hrs a night. I think what was key though was recognizing what I could and could not accomplish and taking breaks to go eat food.

now lets see how much I can get done before heading home.

I finished!

I have completly finished my fem and queer paper on the performativity of race! And I actually like it! and that makes me feel super proud that I did it. I hope she likes it, but I think its honestly a good solid paper and I dont mind the fact that it took me a little longer than I had hoped to finish. I'd rather have quality than just finish something that is crap. I now have 34 hrs left to study/take a final and to get as much of my cuba paper done as possible. Hopefully I will be able to get my friends to help me pack and do some laundry and then I'll just finish the Cuba paper at home since it's not due till saturday. yay! Although after this writing marathon I feel more ready to tackle this paper and get it done. Right now its started, with a solid thesis, outline, and the paper has been divided into sections. Most importantly the logic flows. And I know sooooo much about Cuba now after reading like 20+ books and articles on the subject. My works cited page will be insane so he'll have to give me an A in the class. Lets hope.

todays addiction

today's addiction is: http://www.theory.org.uk

My favorite stuff in here are the Judith Butler, bell hooks, and Michael Foucault trading cards and the lego people. This site rocks.

Oh and you know what else rocks? Having 9 pages of my paper done! woohoo!

not writing

this is just too addictive: http://exchangeprogram.org/

accomplishments

I have finished my italian paper.
I have 7 pages of my fem and queer paper (out of the 15 needed)
and I started my massive Cuba paper (I have a plan of attack and the historical section)

tonight I will finish this fem and queer paper. it will be done. I can feel it. Besisdes which I'm not concerned because I have the best intro in the history of intros. the rest of it is questionable, well I have a solid three pages and the rest is just a vague outline with quotes.

fun stuff. I come home on Tuesday. yay!

Finals

Jessica hates finals. She thinks that they are stupid. She also thinks that she needs to be working on her 3 papers. But she is on a break. Breaks are good. Jessica likes breaks. She has 40 pages to write before Tuesday at noon. Jessica will not get much sleep between now and Tuesday, but she will write like theres no tomorrow. Writing is good. Do you want to write Jessica's paper for her? Please say you do. You could just write one paper. Maybe the 25 page one? That one will be fun. Or you can take Jessica's corporate finance final. That will also be fun. People like to have fun.

I'm losing my mind

I just spent the last 30 minutes trying to remember where I knew this woman from that I opened the door for...and it was weird because I remembered the general direction where I knew her from, like I knew I had met her on the side of campus by the gym, career center, and the health center. and then I was like did I meet her this summer? Is she a nurse? I could not for the life of me remember. Then like 30 minutes passed and it just came to me, she was my yoga instructor but I didnt recognize her bc she was wearing normal clothing. Yea. I need sleep.

But instead I will diligently work on my research for my fem and queer paper. must be brilliant. must. thats the problem with having other intelligent oveachievers in your class, you know you can't slack off. Especially since we're posting our papers online...and their going to read my stuff. eeeek! must write.

sleep

this is why i don't go to Galveston

in other news I can't go to sleep. not even when I want to. Like I was going to take a nap from 3-7am but I just couldnt. Like I lay in bed and just stared at the ceiling. not very fun, and it was made even worse by the fact that I really wanted to get some sleep. dammit. oh well. I just ended up going back to bed and sleeping till 10:30. I can't pull all nighters anymore, I'm too old. its probably for the best though.

i hate it when that happens

I had a post but something happened and blogger didnt accept it. i vaguely remember what i wrote about.

i'm going home on the 16th and thats exciting. and I bought the ticket for supercheap and thats also exciting. umm i have finals stuff that i should be doing. i think something like 50+ pages that need to be written by the time i go home. yea. i need to get on that.

also go to andys site and read the 12 sti's of christmas. it'll put you in the holiday spirit

the universe hates me

theres snow everywhere. thus no formal. no andy. no drinking. just the cold and my goddammed work. beautiful.

finals time

Here's a fun exercise for the kids. Go to google type in "miserable failure" and then hit the "I'm feeling lucky button" Its fun, I promise.

Its finals time, this means that I have work that I'm ignoring and not doing. This is also made worse by the fact that my parents havent gotten around to buying my plane ticket to go home, and I need to be home by the 17th. Yay for my parents! Add in the fact that my dad is in San Angelo and doesnt answer his cell phone and loses my phone number and now you're in my world. woohoo!

so what am i doing to fix this situation? I'm going to Boston tomorrow for a formal! yay! drinking and wearing pretty dresses fixes even the worst of problems.

hey hey!

Its Andy's 21st Birthday!

and my seminar was cancelled!

and its december and it snowed today!

today rocks!