so its finally starting to hit me. I'm really going to have to pack up my stuff and leave. its funny how i'm just a little slow sometimes, but i also think its something that keeps me in check. like i know i'm an intelligent woman, but just sometimes I have really ditzy moments. but thats okay, because my brain is always going to be bigger than my breasts. haha. i'm such a dork.
oh finals, you make me lose my sanity.
so blogger is new and improved so I decided that I should also be new and improved. thus, new skin. I was getting really tired of the old one, but i just changed things around and now i like this. it just a matter of getting the comments back up, and all that goodness. so i hope y'all like it.
oh and I'll leave y'all with some links:
*they beat you to it Andy!
*i might start doing this
*verb oppression
mayo 10, 2004
mayo 09, 2004
oh finals you tease me so
"So hows the studying going?"
"umm i have papers to write, not finals to take"
"wait so you dont have finals"
"i have final papers"
"oh so thats easier right?"
"not really no"
"oh well i'll let you get back to your studying"
"thanks"
::sigh:: finals. I've never loved the idea of having to pull together a paper that ties everything you've learned in a course together while having to balance that with pushing your academic dominance of the material to sway your prof to just give you that bloody A once and for all. and for what really? so my GPA wont tank, and my self worth and intelligence will be vindicated by a little number with some decimals attached to it. bullshit. but whatever. i pay (and when i say "i" i mean my father, and the loan people) pay my $29,170 for me to go to my swanky school. and no i dont go to a "girls school" because thats where rich indulged parents send their 7yr old girls to go to school so they dont have to be bothered with them. i go to a women's college where overachievers come together, eat cookies, drink alcohol, question their sexuality/the meaning of gender, and learn. yea. i'm looking foward to going home and shutting my brain off for a summer. or maybe turning my brain on to new things since i need some distance from everything to figure out what my next move next year will be. grad school is being put on the back burner because i realized the other day that I havent written anything in my time here that I'm seriously proud of. like i've written some stuff that I'm like "eh thats not so bad" but nothing that i'm just like "wow, i'm amazed by the size of my brain" but maybe thats because i have impossible standards for myself and even if i wrote something of any kind of academic significance I wouldnt be able to take it seriously, i'd just notice all the flaws.
i think i just need to get out of things for a while. move to another country. live in the sticks. help people. realize what i'm fighting so hard for. live another life for a year. or more. learn another language. i've forgotten a good chunk of my italian. which is so damn sad since i really love that language. i watch the foreign news in italian sometimes and somehow hearing about a man that plunged to his death in italian just makes the news so much more interesting. it feels like my brain is actually working. i miss that feeling.
i'm excited about this week though, and not so excited at the same time. excited because i'm going to present one of my paintings and do a reading of some of my work for one of my classes. then i'm going to write a paper on the interesection between whiteness (as it is known in the US) and class, specifically focusing on the differance between being "white trash" and being white and rich. although theres not many studies on rich white people so i dont know how i'm going to get data on that. and then i'll pull some spanish papers together. and then do some packing and heavy lifting to the storage unit.
I'll leave you with this because its just the most perfectly explained statement on being pro-reproductive rights. and read the whole thing, even if your not pro-choice or your pro-life or anti-choice or pro-apathy, because its a very well structured argument.
oh and happy mothers day!
"umm i have papers to write, not finals to take"
"wait so you dont have finals"
"i have final papers"
"oh so thats easier right?"
"not really no"
"oh well i'll let you get back to your studying"
"thanks"
::sigh:: finals. I've never loved the idea of having to pull together a paper that ties everything you've learned in a course together while having to balance that with pushing your academic dominance of the material to sway your prof to just give you that bloody A once and for all. and for what really? so my GPA wont tank, and my self worth and intelligence will be vindicated by a little number with some decimals attached to it. bullshit. but whatever. i pay (and when i say "i" i mean my father, and the loan people) pay my $29,170 for me to go to my swanky school. and no i dont go to a "girls school" because thats where rich indulged parents send their 7yr old girls to go to school so they dont have to be bothered with them. i go to a women's college where overachievers come together, eat cookies, drink alcohol, question their sexuality/the meaning of gender, and learn. yea. i'm looking foward to going home and shutting my brain off for a summer. or maybe turning my brain on to new things since i need some distance from everything to figure out what my next move next year will be. grad school is being put on the back burner because i realized the other day that I havent written anything in my time here that I'm seriously proud of. like i've written some stuff that I'm like "eh thats not so bad" but nothing that i'm just like "wow, i'm amazed by the size of my brain" but maybe thats because i have impossible standards for myself and even if i wrote something of any kind of academic significance I wouldnt be able to take it seriously, i'd just notice all the flaws.
i think i just need to get out of things for a while. move to another country. live in the sticks. help people. realize what i'm fighting so hard for. live another life for a year. or more. learn another language. i've forgotten a good chunk of my italian. which is so damn sad since i really love that language. i watch the foreign news in italian sometimes and somehow hearing about a man that plunged to his death in italian just makes the news so much more interesting. it feels like my brain is actually working. i miss that feeling.
i'm excited about this week though, and not so excited at the same time. excited because i'm going to present one of my paintings and do a reading of some of my work for one of my classes. then i'm going to write a paper on the interesection between whiteness (as it is known in the US) and class, specifically focusing on the differance between being "white trash" and being white and rich. although theres not many studies on rich white people so i dont know how i'm going to get data on that. and then i'll pull some spanish papers together. and then do some packing and heavy lifting to the storage unit.
I'll leave you with this because its just the most perfectly explained statement on being pro-reproductive rights. and read the whole thing, even if your not pro-choice or your pro-life or anti-choice or pro-apathy, because its a very well structured argument.
oh and happy mothers day!
mayo 04, 2004
I'm a good eater
yea. so I've uncovered another expensive addiction...brie. the delicious french cheese. i can just add this to the list of things that i love but shouldnt do because they're ridiculously expensive. like getting my nails done every week and getting masages. maybe brie will one day become one of those expensive things that becomes incredibly necessary for my sanity, like getting my hair professionally highlighted and cut. or buying ridiculous amounts of sweaters...that happen to be ridiculously expensive and yet oh so perfect for me.
as with many things the first time i ate brie i wasnt obsessed. but after the 3rd and fourth bite i just became hooked. kinda like the first time i ate naan i just thought it was yummy and yet the second time i ate it afterwards i had dreams of the stuff. i find it really funny that i form such deep obsessive relationships with my food even though i'm super tiny. but i love to eat. love it. the other day i had a dream about biscuits. like what the hell? and not just like any biscuit but to a specific biscuit that i ate like six years ago. maybe i should be a food critic.
oh and its the last day of moho class. i still have one umass class to go to but we are finally in the final stretch my friends. except all that i'm going to be doing is writing tiny papers and reading like crazy. i'm flying home on the 20th. so i'm pretty much staying an extra two weeks for no good reason. beautiful.
as with many things the first time i ate brie i wasnt obsessed. but after the 3rd and fourth bite i just became hooked. kinda like the first time i ate naan i just thought it was yummy and yet the second time i ate it afterwards i had dreams of the stuff. i find it really funny that i form such deep obsessive relationships with my food even though i'm super tiny. but i love to eat. love it. the other day i had a dream about biscuits. like what the hell? and not just like any biscuit but to a specific biscuit that i ate like six years ago. maybe i should be a food critic.
oh and its the last day of moho class. i still have one umass class to go to but we are finally in the final stretch my friends. except all that i'm going to be doing is writing tiny papers and reading like crazy. i'm flying home on the 20th. so i'm pretty much staying an extra two weeks for no good reason. beautiful.
abril 30, 2004
"hit me baby one more time"
Today was really a marvelous day. It was sunny and I got to wear one of my new sundresses both of which are plusses. I also woke up early, watched tv, and then went off to the picnic on the green, which was lovely. then i went to northhampton and ate yummy cheesecake and had a wonderful conversation with my umass prof. I'm in complete awe of this woman and what she's managed to do in her life. She's just so inspiring, and gives me hope that I can figure out how to live life in my own way and still be happy. After that I went and got yummy indian food again, and this time I tried the garlic chicken and shrimp and even though I was scared when it came out because it looked like baby barf, it was actually delicious, and the nice owner lisened to me and made it very mild like I asked him to. Which was great.
Then Jess and I stopped at this ice cream stand about bought soft serve ice cream for 2 bucks (i got chocolate and vanilla with a chocolate shell) and then we went to an acapella 80's jam, which was *amazing* even though it was super packed, it was really stuffy and hot, and the fire alarm kept going off in the middle of songs. They sang "cowboy take me away" by the dixie chicks and i almost cried it was so amazing. Then they followed it by Lonestars' walking in memphis and pretty much lost all emotional control at that point. I just had a moment in the middle of the song where i just knew that i had made the right decision coming to moho, and that this was the right place and right time for me. which is such a nice thing to realize. But I also learned a valuable lesson: all boys from WPI are just weird. One of their accapella groups came to perform and at first they were kinda lame, like too much old-school barber shop type of stuff but they ended with "Hit me baby one more time" and it hurt I was laughing so much. It was classic.
So yea it was a great, beautiful day, indeed. (oh and lasu your comment on my link made me smile.)
Here's a quiz for y'all to enjoy:
JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Then Jess and I stopped at this ice cream stand about bought soft serve ice cream for 2 bucks (i got chocolate and vanilla with a chocolate shell) and then we went to an acapella 80's jam, which was *amazing* even though it was super packed, it was really stuffy and hot, and the fire alarm kept going off in the middle of songs. They sang "cowboy take me away" by the dixie chicks and i almost cried it was so amazing. Then they followed it by Lonestars' walking in memphis and pretty much lost all emotional control at that point. I just had a moment in the middle of the song where i just knew that i had made the right decision coming to moho, and that this was the right place and right time for me. which is such a nice thing to realize. But I also learned a valuable lesson: all boys from WPI are just weird. One of their accapella groups came to perform and at first they were kinda lame, like too much old-school barber shop type of stuff but they ended with "Hit me baby one more time" and it hurt I was laughing so much. It was classic.
So yea it was a great, beautiful day, indeed. (oh and lasu your comment on my link made me smile.)
Here's a quiz for y'all to enjoy:
JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla
abril 29, 2004
*spring*
I love spring! I love it, and I think I love it even more because it feels earned, like I've survived winter and have earned the right to wear my spring girlie dresses. I find it really amusing that I used to be such a tomboy, although I guess I still am in some ways. Like I'm really aggressive and I know that if it came down to it I could kick some ass. Which I find amusing. Another fun thing about spring is that I can completly rejoice in my lack of allergies, since I'm not allergic to life like some of my friends are. For some odd reason I take joy in this. eh.
So this weekend is the beginning of the final stretch. When I start to pull all of my brain power together and try to be as witty as I can possibly get to impress my profs. I have some very interesting assignments this time around, so we'll see how they turn out. I've also been meeting with alot of my profs to get a better feel for what they want for me out of this final stretch because I've found that knowing what someone wants from you upfront is the easiest way to just do what they want and for you to get a happy grade. Plus I'm going out for indian food which is exciting.
the perils of walking
Houston's number 5
So this weekend is the beginning of the final stretch. When I start to pull all of my brain power together and try to be as witty as I can possibly get to impress my profs. I have some very interesting assignments this time around, so we'll see how they turn out. I've also been meeting with alot of my profs to get a better feel for what they want for me out of this final stretch because I've found that knowing what someone wants from you upfront is the easiest way to just do what they want and for you to get a happy grade. Plus I'm going out for indian food which is exciting.
the perils of walking
Houston's number 5
abril 27, 2004
pancakes!
I saw this and it made me giggle, which is always good:
things are strangely looking up for me, or my attitude is changing. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I just got out of my umass class, and since jess is such a rocking person we went to get pizza first and i didnt have to ride the bus there *and* then she picked me up from class. so that was great because i didnt have to ride the bus, which is marvelous. plus we go to have a really amazing conversation about weigh obsession, and how odd it is that I've managed to not be obsessed about my weight or what i eat. I think it has everything to do with my mom who always told me to wear to wear the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts, as long as it wasnt vulgar, so I'll have to thank my mom at some point for making sure that I had a great self image.
and what else? i had really great sleep last night, even though i was really cold at first, but then i put on layers of clothes and then blankets and i slept so wonderfully. i need to be incredibly hot to go to sleep, its kinda odd but i just sleep alot better when my room is above 90. oh and i tried the seafood pizza today, even though i was scared about it, and was almost certain in was going to be sick after eating it. in the end though, i made it through okay, and did not hurl which is a good thing since not knowing how fresh seafood is always disturbs me in the worst way.
things are strangely looking up for me, or my attitude is changing. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I just got out of my umass class, and since jess is such a rocking person we went to get pizza first and i didnt have to ride the bus there *and* then she picked me up from class. so that was great because i didnt have to ride the bus, which is marvelous. plus we go to have a really amazing conversation about weigh obsession, and how odd it is that I've managed to not be obsessed about my weight or what i eat. I think it has everything to do with my mom who always told me to wear to wear the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts, as long as it wasnt vulgar, so I'll have to thank my mom at some point for making sure that I had a great self image.
and what else? i had really great sleep last night, even though i was really cold at first, but then i put on layers of clothes and then blankets and i slept so wonderfully. i need to be incredibly hot to go to sleep, its kinda odd but i just sleep alot better when my room is above 90. oh and i tried the seafood pizza today, even though i was scared about it, and was almost certain in was going to be sick after eating it. in the end though, i made it through okay, and did not hurl which is a good thing since not knowing how fresh seafood is always disturbs me in the worst way.
abril 26, 2004
burn|out: n. emotional exhaustion from mental stress
The end of the semester is always a very strange emotional period for me. I start sleeping through classes, and being much crankier than normal. Typically this is because I am overwhelmed by academic pressures and my own psychotic need to be perfect. This semester, while academic stress is playing a huge part of it, I'm also burdened by a lot of fear for what's to come. I'm not sure what I'm doing this summer, which is bad. But I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, which is worse. I feel like the summer is a microcosm for the rest of my life, and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up.
Thankfully I talked to Alesha today, which once again put into perspective how (while plausible) I'm not going to screw up my life, no matter what I do with it, because there's no way I could possibly do worse than she has. I don't have a kid. I finished high school, and I'm on my way to finishing college and in the four years that its supposed to take no less. I'm also not a drug addict of any sort. (no matter how much some days I wish I was). So this is good. Its not so good that I now feel like I'm doing great, but its good enough to keep me from losing whatever thread of sanity I have left.
If I were home, I would probably just take a really long bubble bath and think about what I'm doing, in order to regain my focus. Since I live in dorm, this is not an option, since our tub is just gross. I don't like to think about what has gone on in there. I barely like to take showers in there, but that's mostly because I'm paranoid of what could be lurking between tiles, even though I know that the showers are cleaned/bleached every day. If I were home/in Texas I would also blow off some steam by going out with some friends. Since I'm here and its finals time it seems all of my friends are in the same freezied/unstable shape that I'm in. Plus not being 21 I cant just go to a bar and drink with my friends that are of age, and this is sad.
So yea. That's me. I have 5 more days of class left and I honestly have no want to go to any of them. Well except my UMass class which is the only one which I feel is not a waste of my time. blah.
Some fun links to let y'all waste some time:
*Gonorrhea is so scary, and yet still hilarious.
*not your typical horoscope
*I have a problem
*Strangely fascinated by this show, even though its so wrong.
Thankfully I talked to Alesha today, which once again put into perspective how (while plausible) I'm not going to screw up my life, no matter what I do with it, because there's no way I could possibly do worse than she has. I don't have a kid. I finished high school, and I'm on my way to finishing college and in the four years that its supposed to take no less. I'm also not a drug addict of any sort. (no matter how much some days I wish I was). So this is good. Its not so good that I now feel like I'm doing great, but its good enough to keep me from losing whatever thread of sanity I have left.
If I were home, I would probably just take a really long bubble bath and think about what I'm doing, in order to regain my focus. Since I live in dorm, this is not an option, since our tub is just gross. I don't like to think about what has gone on in there. I barely like to take showers in there, but that's mostly because I'm paranoid of what could be lurking between tiles, even though I know that the showers are cleaned/bleached every day. If I were home/in Texas I would also blow off some steam by going out with some friends. Since I'm here and its finals time it seems all of my friends are in the same freezied/unstable shape that I'm in. Plus not being 21 I cant just go to a bar and drink with my friends that are of age, and this is sad.
So yea. That's me. I have 5 more days of class left and I honestly have no want to go to any of them. Well except my UMass class which is the only one which I feel is not a waste of my time. blah.
Some fun links to let y'all waste some time:
*Gonorrhea is so scary, and yet still hilarious.
*not your typical horoscope
*I have a problem
*Strangely fascinated by this show, even though its so wrong.
abril 23, 2004
stuffy heads are no bueno
yea i definately just woke up. and i definately went to sleep around this time yesterday. being sick+sudaffed+advil= very interesting dreams. involving colorfull rivers with little boats that spin around. there was a lot of spinning in my dream. whats no so cool about being sick is not being able to tell what exactly it is that i have. i went to webmd to try to remedy this, but that was not so helpful. it was a little overwhelming since it told me that i could have an ear infection, or it could be just the flu or cold, but then it starts listing random things off that i could also maybe have but probably dont have but just to be safe their going to scare me and list them in there like "well a fever could really mean that you maybe just be dehydrated" which doesnt get me any closer to actually figuring out what i have. so i drink water, sleep, and dont eat because the concept of eating is just gross right now. lovely.
but at the very least i'm getting alot of sleep. so thats a plus.
but at the very least i'm getting alot of sleep. so thats a plus.
abril 22, 2004
monkeys are people too
I'm starting to understand why people go abroad in their junior year. Its basically to keep themselves from going crazy from all the work that you typically have to do. Its just an academic vacation. While I'm glad that I stayed, I wish I had taken some classes this semester on pass/fail and that I had done some of my work ahead of time. I just never got on a schedule, although when your reading 3 books and writting 4 papers a week, theres really no way to try to think ahead. although i wished i had. i'm glad i didnt take a fifth class though.
but yea, its definately 2:40 in the am and I'm sitting here trying to find out where Nancy Hartsock is, and whether this woman is alive or dead and where she's teaching. ugh. damn sneeky feminist theorist who decide to write something amazing and then disappear. yea. i'm so looking foward to turning this in tomorrow and sleeping. I'm supposed to go to the March in Washington for Women's lives. (i'm too lazy to link) but I think I have a have a major paper due in like 2 weeks so i dont know about it, i may not get to go. so ready for this semester to be done. so ready. i've reached that critical point in the semester where its not completly absurb to start thinking about packing my things up and just heading home and forgetting all about school. at least the weathers nice.
I'm starting to wonder why when one aspect of my life goes poorly, another one just magically becomes better. like for instance I'm out of my bummer phase and into a much happier optimistic phase (which has everything to do with straightening things out with andres) but now I just have absolutely no want to do any of my work. and the thing is, that this semester isnt typical. I cant just bs a paper and go to bed. I have to do some random work, like writing annotated bibliographies. i did my readings i just dont want to sit there and summarize everything that they said. ugh. sleepy.
but yea, its definately 2:40 in the am and I'm sitting here trying to find out where Nancy Hartsock is, and whether this woman is alive or dead and where she's teaching. ugh. damn sneeky feminist theorist who decide to write something amazing and then disappear. yea. i'm so looking foward to turning this in tomorrow and sleeping. I'm supposed to go to the March in Washington for Women's lives. (i'm too lazy to link) but I think I have a have a major paper due in like 2 weeks so i dont know about it, i may not get to go. so ready for this semester to be done. so ready. i've reached that critical point in the semester where its not completly absurb to start thinking about packing my things up and just heading home and forgetting all about school. at least the weathers nice.
I'm starting to wonder why when one aspect of my life goes poorly, another one just magically becomes better. like for instance I'm out of my bummer phase and into a much happier optimistic phase (which has everything to do with straightening things out with andres) but now I just have absolutely no want to do any of my work. and the thing is, that this semester isnt typical. I cant just bs a paper and go to bed. I have to do some random work, like writing annotated bibliographies. i did my readings i just dont want to sit there and summarize everything that they said. ugh. sleepy.
abril 16, 2004
bum|mer: n. [slang] an unpleasant experience
Alright I'm posting something for the sake of not having the depressing post still up. I'm feeling better. Still bummed. this still sucks, and I'm still not quite sure what happened. I'm thinking this breakup is just going to keep hitting me in really depressing unexpected moments. like it hasn't quite sunk in that this is over and that its not going to be the same, and that I'm actually single. Whatever that means. ::sigh:: i'm not good at being single. but yea. I'm taking the proactive approach to this whole mourning process, I did one day of incredible pathetic-ness (that would be Wednesday) and then I got some sense talked into me by my mom and Charles and now I'm doing the "this sucks, but don't wallow in it because its just going to get worse" type of thing. from the same school of thought that tells you not to pick scabs because it just makes it gross, infected, and then it scars. and no one likes scars. but theres still a sick pleasure in picking scabs. but you shouldnt do it because thats gross.
so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?
I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.
I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.
so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?
I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.
I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.
abril 14, 2004
the end of an era
so this morning concluded what was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life, but not the same horrible way were you have a horrible day because someone dies (or in my case has cancer/heart attack) but in the way where the day just snowballs unexpectedly into something horrible that you didnt expect it to. i hate this feeling like i just managed to fuck up/lose something that at one point made me so happy. how did this happen? i dont know. but of course i'll survive because i always do, i just wanted this one to work so badly....even though i didnt always act like i did.
tried to buy myself flowers to cheer me up (the weather here is overcast and that never makes me feel great) but the flower shop was gone. I think that just sums up everything. I turn around and my favorite little place is gone and I'm left there starring at the empty boxes left behind. why am i so terrified of being alone? i'm really not alone, because i have amazing friends but it feels like every semester i lose someone else that i was close to. it makes me scared of who i'll lose next. why am i sharing this? i should be asleep, my body shouldnt be functioning anymore since i only slept for maybe an hour, if that. this is the longest ickiest day ever. but at least my hair was cute.
tried to buy myself flowers to cheer me up (the weather here is overcast and that never makes me feel great) but the flower shop was gone. I think that just sums up everything. I turn around and my favorite little place is gone and I'm left there starring at the empty boxes left behind. why am i so terrified of being alone? i'm really not alone, because i have amazing friends but it feels like every semester i lose someone else that i was close to. it makes me scared of who i'll lose next. why am i sharing this? i should be asleep, my body shouldnt be functioning anymore since i only slept for maybe an hour, if that. this is the longest ickiest day ever. but at least my hair was cute.
abril 13, 2004
I'm such a loser
There are days when everything goes amazingly well, you have witty things to say in class, your hair looks cute, and everything runs along perfectly. Today was not one of those days. It was the type of day were you get pounded by work, and manage to fuck something up in everyone of your classes. The type of day where you start comteplating different ways you could be injured that would prevent you from having to fullfill any of your responsibilities/explain why you are such a loser. I came up with a few good ones, such as being hit by a car, getting into a serious car accident, falling from the library stairs and breaking my leg, and a brain tumor. Since I can only will a tumor, I'm pretty much rooting for the first two. The bad ideas that were rejected included jumping out of my window, but since I live on the second floor so that really wouldnt do anything. So instead I did what any other rational person would do: I sucked it up like a big girl, took a shot of vodka, and made my peace with the fact that I suck at life this week, but thats okay because I can always just become a housewife, and besisdes which who needs sleep?
Blah and today started out with so much promise. Oh well. Between me and sleep is finishing a book and writing intelligent questions for my econ class since I'm leading discussion this week. Why didnt I just go to a state school where I could surround myself with mediocre ppl and feel smart? ugh. i miss feeling smart.
I've decided that when I grow up and stop being a loser I want to be Lisa Hilton and heres why:
1. She's hot and smart
2. She's vicious, honest, and funny
3. She's an erotic book snob
did i mention she's hot? i cannot wait for this semester to be over.
Blah and today started out with so much promise. Oh well. Between me and sleep is finishing a book and writing intelligent questions for my econ class since I'm leading discussion this week. Why didnt I just go to a state school where I could surround myself with mediocre ppl and feel smart? ugh. i miss feeling smart.
I've decided that when I grow up and stop being a loser I want to be Lisa Hilton and heres why:
1. She's hot and smart
2. She's vicious, honest, and funny
3. She's an erotic book snob
did i mention she's hot? i cannot wait for this semester to be over.
abril 11, 2004
cliff notes are sexy
quick summary of the past week:
*saw an amazing mexican film (not available in the US), Amarte Duele
*went to the ben and jerry's factory (life goal accomplished)
*bought the cutest shoes ever! (they're brighter in person, and the pocket is incredibly convenient)
*was rejected by Canada
*was almost not allowed to re-enter the US because of la migra
*chose my room for next year (rm. 112)
*took a mental health day and went to target instead of class bc i'd been averaging 5hrs in the library every day
*shared a pint of dubling mudslide to make life better again
*heard uma narayan speak in class
*ate indian food for the first time (was plesantly surprised by the yummy naan)
*went to Boston for the day
yea thats pretty much it. i've been a really odd mood lately, hence the not posting and skipping class. I think i've pretty much had it with the semester and I'm just ready for summer and swimming and warm weather. but yea i have 5 weeks of school left so i'll just suck it up.
oh and why am i number 29 on the easy sex locator?
*saw an amazing mexican film (not available in the US), Amarte Duele
*went to the ben and jerry's factory (life goal accomplished)
*bought the cutest shoes ever! (they're brighter in person, and the pocket is incredibly convenient)
*was rejected by Canada
*was almost not allowed to re-enter the US because of la migra
*chose my room for next year (rm. 112)
*took a mental health day and went to target instead of class bc i'd been averaging 5hrs in the library every day
*shared a pint of dubling mudslide to make life better again
*heard uma narayan speak in class
*ate indian food for the first time (was plesantly surprised by the yummy naan)
*went to Boston for the day
yea thats pretty much it. i've been a really odd mood lately, hence the not posting and skipping class. I think i've pretty much had it with the semester and I'm just ready for summer and swimming and warm weather. but yea i have 5 weeks of school left so i'll just suck it up.
oh and why am i number 29 on the easy sex locator?
abril 02, 2004
fear the beaver
this week kicked my ass and I'm not ashamed to say it. typically school doesnt really do it for me. yes i go to a nice swanky women's college that cost almost as much as my father makes in a year, but its actually really rare that i feel like i'm being pushed to grow both academically and emotionally. does that mean i'm full of myself? more than likely. the point though is that this week did that for me. which might have everything to do with this being the extreme version of school, since two weeks were rolled into one with the added joy of sleep deprivation and weird unresolved emotional issues about almost losing my father. (speaking of which he's out of the hospital and doing well).
Its interesting because i feel like i've really grown in a very short period of time, and that I may be growing out of some things that I never thought I would grow out of. and it all started with a typical tuesday umass class that just pissed me off enough to remind me why i hate bush and right wing politics and why i cant be around people who choose to live their lives in complete ignorance. The next day i managed to get my econ class to talk about hermaphordites, and to talk about them not as freaks but as people whose bodies dont conform to what we think is "natural" and that it simply means that we have to expand what we consider to be "normal." Then i had a conversation with someone who actually said to me that condoms dont protect against HIV. That was just scary.
Most importantly what I learned this week was that silence doesnt help anyone. Because silence is the same thing as consent and agreement. It only breeds shame and no one should be ashamed not even those who dress is bunny suits to get sexual sulfillment. Good for them for being in touch with their sexuality, some people never are and thats a greater loss.
Here are a few links for y'all:
* This is just blatant racism. The fact that this ran in a national magazine is just ridiculous.
*The april fools site from the lovely and amazing folks of planned parenthood.
*The last of my very favorite series of "I did it for science."
Its interesting because i feel like i've really grown in a very short period of time, and that I may be growing out of some things that I never thought I would grow out of. and it all started with a typical tuesday umass class that just pissed me off enough to remind me why i hate bush and right wing politics and why i cant be around people who choose to live their lives in complete ignorance. The next day i managed to get my econ class to talk about hermaphordites, and to talk about them not as freaks but as people whose bodies dont conform to what we think is "natural" and that it simply means that we have to expand what we consider to be "normal." Then i had a conversation with someone who actually said to me that condoms dont protect against HIV. That was just scary.
Most importantly what I learned this week was that silence doesnt help anyone. Because silence is the same thing as consent and agreement. It only breeds shame and no one should be ashamed not even those who dress is bunny suits to get sexual sulfillment. Good for them for being in touch with their sexuality, some people never are and thats a greater loss.
Here are a few links for y'all:
* This is just blatant racism. The fact that this ran in a national magazine is just ridiculous.
*The april fools site from the lovely and amazing folks of planned parenthood.
*The last of my very favorite series of "I did it for science."
marzo 30, 2004
pancakes
i cant believe I forgot to post about these things:
*On the way to pick my bro up at the airport there was a giant "Jews for Jesus" bus. Like giant. I'd always heard about these ppl but I always assumed it was a joke, but by the looks of their website its really not. I still dont get it though, so if anyone wants to explain it to me that would be lovely.
*While home I was instructed to go to the mall and buy my dad new pjs since thats what he would be living in from now on. (I got him nice ones that didnt remind me of a hospital gown or Homer's mumu in that episode where his goal is to become obese) anyways, so i'm walking to around and there is a man in a giant bunny suit (for easter obviously) and he starts waving at me. Now I already think humans in animal suits are weird so I try not to make eye contact. The man then proceeds to start blowing kisses at me and dancing. It was then that I realized that my life had hit a new low since I was getting hit on by a man in a bunny suit.
*thick texas accents never fail to amuse me.
*For further reference never miss a weeks worth of class. Especially when you typically barely make it through classes when you dont miss class. i cant wait for this week to be over and to sleeeeep.
I had more but now i forgot. I'm too damn sleepy. Damn me and living on the other side of campus and going to bed at 4 in the morning bc I stayed up and chatted with ev. i just wish i could nap. i cant wait until next yr when i'll be living right on campus and not across a river and up a hill. Oh and another thing, eating salads while good for my body just doesnt fill me up the way my old meat diet did. (I'm now eating salads first so that I can slowly insert veggies into my diet since I have really eaten any in the last 3 yrs i've been in college, I previously just ate meat. lots of meat.) So this is sad bc I ate at 12:30 and now I'm sooo hungry again! maybe it would help if i ate breakfast. we'll see.
*On the way to pick my bro up at the airport there was a giant "Jews for Jesus" bus. Like giant. I'd always heard about these ppl but I always assumed it was a joke, but by the looks of their website its really not. I still dont get it though, so if anyone wants to explain it to me that would be lovely.
*While home I was instructed to go to the mall and buy my dad new pjs since thats what he would be living in from now on. (I got him nice ones that didnt remind me of a hospital gown or Homer's mumu in that episode where his goal is to become obese) anyways, so i'm walking to around and there is a man in a giant bunny suit (for easter obviously) and he starts waving at me. Now I already think humans in animal suits are weird so I try not to make eye contact. The man then proceeds to start blowing kisses at me and dancing. It was then that I realized that my life had hit a new low since I was getting hit on by a man in a bunny suit.
*thick texas accents never fail to amuse me.
*For further reference never miss a weeks worth of class. Especially when you typically barely make it through classes when you dont miss class. i cant wait for this week to be over and to sleeeeep.
I had more but now i forgot. I'm too damn sleepy. Damn me and living on the other side of campus and going to bed at 4 in the morning bc I stayed up and chatted with ev. i just wish i could nap. i cant wait until next yr when i'll be living right on campus and not across a river and up a hill. Oh and another thing, eating salads while good for my body just doesnt fill me up the way my old meat diet did. (I'm now eating salads first so that I can slowly insert veggies into my diet since I have really eaten any in the last 3 yrs i've been in college, I previously just ate meat. lots of meat.) So this is sad bc I ate at 12:30 and now I'm sooo hungry again! maybe it would help if i ate breakfast. we'll see.
marzo 29, 2004
Monday Monday
mondays suck, but I think we all know this. Tragety has fallen upon our blogging community this week as one of our own has been struck by the most tragic of tragic fates. His father found his blog and has suddenly learned of the secret alter ego of their mild mannered son. Which gives us a time to pause and reflect about what exactly we write about within our blogs. Always filter. *always* Do not write about wild orgies with kegs and hot women. Write about the weather and that interesting sign that you saw on the way to class. Or that guy who cut you off on your way to your friends house. Do not give actually names, and if you do make sure you clear it with everyone before you post.
Actually this whole incident has got me thinking about my blog and what I want to do with it. Its rather bold of me to have my name attached to this, since anyone can goggle for me and get my blog. This has happened before and I had to block some people and it just wasnt pleasant. So I'm going to think of moving the blog and regaining my annonimity. or something. we'll see.
Todays random public service annoucement is of the real dolls, the world's finnest love toy. Now I thought about posting this here for a really long time before I actually did it. First I didnt want y'all to think I was into strange silicone love dolls, so I'm going to explain that I'm not in the market for a love doll. I found this on nerve.com which is one of my most favorite sites, because of its humor. It was one of the "i did it for science" experiments. I decided to post it because I feel that its a site that helps to demistify the male species, since this is obviously what some very rich sick men are into. Their into silicone dolls that look like crack whores or alternately into perfectly sculpted women that they dont have to feed and that dont talk. I recommend reading the faqs section, since these ppl are ridiculous. yea. thats all I'm going to say about it.
Oh and wtf?
Actually this whole incident has got me thinking about my blog and what I want to do with it. Its rather bold of me to have my name attached to this, since anyone can goggle for me and get my blog. This has happened before and I had to block some people and it just wasnt pleasant. So I'm going to think of moving the blog and regaining my annonimity. or something. we'll see.
Todays random public service annoucement is of the real dolls, the world's finnest love toy. Now I thought about posting this here for a really long time before I actually did it. First I didnt want y'all to think I was into strange silicone love dolls, so I'm going to explain that I'm not in the market for a love doll. I found this on nerve.com which is one of my most favorite sites, because of its humor. It was one of the "i did it for science" experiments. I decided to post it because I feel that its a site that helps to demistify the male species, since this is obviously what some very rich sick men are into. Their into silicone dolls that look like crack whores or alternately into perfectly sculpted women that they dont have to feed and that dont talk. I recommend reading the faqs section, since these ppl are ridiculous. yea. thats all I'm going to say about it.
Oh and wtf?
marzo 23, 2004
long time no blog
so I'm still in Texas and I wish it was for happier reasons, but my dad had a small heart attack last monday but he didnt know it was a heart attack and drove across texas to mcallen and back and didnt go to the doctor until Friday, so I went with him. From that point on it was one surprise after another (he was hospitalized for observation then they transfered him to intensive care) until today when he had two byasses done on his heart. Thankfully it went well, it was a four hour surgery and he's looking so much better now than he was when he first got out of surgery. He had a breathing tube and was covered in cables and it was too much. Then later on he was on a respirator but still when he took breaths it was incredibly strained and he kept slipping out of consiousness. But this last visit he was a gatrillion times better and could talk to us, it was still strained and sometimes i couldnt understand him and he was really pale, but he was himself. We had some laughs about how all of us are changing our diets, my brother is eating organic and I cant look at a burger anymore. I tried to eat a whopper and it was pretty disgusting. I've pretty much just been in the hospital from 10-8pm, keeping my daddy company. He's been such an amazing sport about the whole thing and I think things are going to be okay. Although its amazing to think about how this time last week if you had told me my dad was going to need major surgery i would have looked at you like you had an arm growing out of ur head. I'm in theory going back on friday, and I just hope he's out of the icu by then.
marzo 11, 2004
Going home! Going home! Going home!
Its funny, I've been here for 3yrs now, and Texas is still home. right now I think its more of a weather thing than anything else, so home=someplace warm. Although sometimes I do feel that Moho is home, but this year its been a little odd since Yara left and I never see Ev so my room isn't really "home" its more of a place I rarely see. but yea, very excited about Texas, about seeing my mami, and my dad and eating (!!!) and about just taking a break from Moho to re-examine and re-gain my focus. I need to figure out how to make a great summer happen, since after the fiasco that was summer 03' I feel I deserve to have a rocking summer. well see though.
today is a beautiful day though, but I think it just has to do with perspective and having just a positive character about things. I'm starting to realize that although I'm a realist and rather blunt about situations, I'm actually a very optimistic person, like whenever I hear ppl say that "oh well that will never happen, its impossible" I just think that's such a narrow view of time. Humanity has accomplished so much in the short period of time that we have been in existence. There's nothing that is impossible. I think this new perspective has been brought about by two changes in my frame of reference: 1) my friends are all positive people, and having no drama in ur life just helps have a positive view of what's possible and 2) I've started to see that I'm much more connected with my past/history than I've ever thought before. Things are accomplished in generations, not in singular lifetimes, and best of all is that your not alone in any of it since your tie to your family takes you back to the very beginning of time and forward into the future. so all in all very exciting.
and now getting of my sappy soapbox, I'll leave you with some gross tidbits of what people are doing with dead people:
*Yea, this is just much to disgusting to really think about
*As is this
today is a beautiful day though, but I think it just has to do with perspective and having just a positive character about things. I'm starting to realize that although I'm a realist and rather blunt about situations, I'm actually a very optimistic person, like whenever I hear ppl say that "oh well that will never happen, its impossible" I just think that's such a narrow view of time. Humanity has accomplished so much in the short period of time that we have been in existence. There's nothing that is impossible. I think this new perspective has been brought about by two changes in my frame of reference: 1) my friends are all positive people, and having no drama in ur life just helps have a positive view of what's possible and 2) I've started to see that I'm much more connected with my past/history than I've ever thought before. Things are accomplished in generations, not in singular lifetimes, and best of all is that your not alone in any of it since your tie to your family takes you back to the very beginning of time and forward into the future. so all in all very exciting.
and now getting of my sappy soapbox, I'll leave you with some gross tidbits of what people are doing with dead people:
*Yea, this is just much to disgusting to really think about
*As is this
marzo 09, 2004
Shake it like a salt shaker
Today just rocked.
yes it was snowing and its March, yes it was like 26 degrees, but today was just such a great day and I really needed that.
It started out like any other crappy Tuesday, I was up at 8:30am and had writers block. For the life of me I couldn't get out the letter I was supposed to be writing to this amazing Jewish writer who was coming into my class. Like what could I possibly say to a woman who has won tons of awards and has ppl constantly telling her how brilliant she is? So I'm late, and since I have to email my prof before noon with the letter, I have think of something. Adding to my stress is that I have a presenter coming into my Spanish class, so they told me to not be late. Of course I'm late. I'm always late. I finally get some semblance of a letter spit out and by this point I'm scrambling to get my stuff in order. I head out of my room and of course I forgot my one card, which I need to get into my door/eat, so I go back. I grumbled to myself "today's going to suck."
little did I know that today was going to rock. I was only a couple of minutes late to Spanish since I ran to class, and my presenter rocked. She spoke the most perfect Spanish, and had an adorable Puerto Rican accent, and she was just great. Then one of Spanish professors (who I am just in love with) brought up like class, race, gender, and language issues into our little discussion on bilingual education and I was in my own geeky heaven. Then lunch came, and I had both a really great discussion and a really delicious clam chowder.
after lunch I checked my mail, and I got the Hall President position that I wanted in the dorm that I wanted. By this point I'm just jumping up and down like a little girl. The my femtheory class I was on point, and like arguing with the prof and bringing up good points, which is great bc that's what I like to do. but even better than that was that some other ppl brought up some great points so there was an actual discussion going on. Then I got to umass and we had the opportunity to hear and talk to Marjorie Agosin about her book, El angel de la memoria, and she was just amazing. The courage that this woman has is amazing.
So yea, that's my rocking day. How was yours?
*Ohhh and I learned that the Shakers practice celibacy so there are only four left in the world. amazing.
yes it was snowing and its March, yes it was like 26 degrees, but today was just such a great day and I really needed that.
It started out like any other crappy Tuesday, I was up at 8:30am and had writers block. For the life of me I couldn't get out the letter I was supposed to be writing to this amazing Jewish writer who was coming into my class. Like what could I possibly say to a woman who has won tons of awards and has ppl constantly telling her how brilliant she is? So I'm late, and since I have to email my prof before noon with the letter, I have think of something. Adding to my stress is that I have a presenter coming into my Spanish class, so they told me to not be late. Of course I'm late. I'm always late. I finally get some semblance of a letter spit out and by this point I'm scrambling to get my stuff in order. I head out of my room and of course I forgot my one card, which I need to get into my door/eat, so I go back. I grumbled to myself "today's going to suck."
little did I know that today was going to rock. I was only a couple of minutes late to Spanish since I ran to class, and my presenter rocked. She spoke the most perfect Spanish, and had an adorable Puerto Rican accent, and she was just great. Then one of Spanish professors (who I am just in love with) brought up like class, race, gender, and language issues into our little discussion on bilingual education and I was in my own geeky heaven. Then lunch came, and I had both a really great discussion and a really delicious clam chowder.
after lunch I checked my mail, and I got the Hall President position that I wanted in the dorm that I wanted. By this point I'm just jumping up and down like a little girl. The my femtheory class I was on point, and like arguing with the prof and bringing up good points, which is great bc that's what I like to do. but even better than that was that some other ppl brought up some great points so there was an actual discussion going on. Then I got to umass and we had the opportunity to hear and talk to Marjorie Agosin about her book, El angel de la memoria, and she was just amazing. The courage that this woman has is amazing.
So yea, that's my rocking day. How was yours?
*Ohhh and I learned that the Shakers practice celibacy so there are only four left in the world. amazing.
marzo 08, 2004
cutie cutie
right so, today is a blah day. today is the definition of a blah day. Its snowing, again, and its March. Its really sucks. I'm trying to remain positive but really I'm too tired for that to work. This isnt a positive post....umm let me think. I have "Hey Mama" by the Black Eyed Peas stuck in my head...I'm addicted to the video. Its funny because I start dancing to it when I get bored and that makes me look carzy bc ppl dont know that i have a song going on in my head.
okay the people in the library are riduclous. They're just loud and obnoxious. "How do you spell english?" "i dont care."
eeek. home on thrusday! sooo excited for clear skies and seventy degree weather, and for yummy yummy empanadas and arepas....and carne asada! ohh sooo delicious.
ok this is just asking for trouble. stupid civil engineers.
I added these two things around 8ish:
*i think this is probably only amusing for ppl at moho but I'll add it in here anyways
*I like how this is considered news in Africa
okay the people in the library are riduclous. They're just loud and obnoxious. "How do you spell english?" "i dont care."
eeek. home on thrusday! sooo excited for clear skies and seventy degree weather, and for yummy yummy empanadas and arepas....and carne asada! ohh sooo delicious.
ok this is just asking for trouble. stupid civil engineers.
I added these two things around 8ish:
*i think this is probably only amusing for ppl at moho but I'll add it in here anyways
*I like how this is considered news in Africa
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