i like how i look down at my trash can and there are just two bottles of smirnoff, an orange peel, and a coke bottle in there, i would like to think of it as an analogy to my life....or something. yea, i dont feel like doing any work today, not like i've really felt like doing any work all semester, or like i've really worked really hard this semester...but yesterday was the last day of classes and it was good. i skipped my last stats class, went and talked to my italian prof (she was semi-helpful, but kind enough to give me an A- on my last exam), and there was some sort of picnic. Dinner was interesting because champagne and strawberries happened before dinner for the seniors, its a tradition where on the last day of classes the seniors go to the president's house and get blastered basically to celebrate. Its actually traditions such as that one that got me suckered into coming to this place, but they also make me happy that i did chose to come here. theres general things that need to occur today, like maybe the beginning of packing, some slight cleaning (throwing away papers that i dont want), and in theory studying. i dont really remember how i managed to pack everything up last semester or even how long it took me to get it done. It couldnt have been that long though, bc i'm a master packer, I wish I didnt have to stay for closing, if not i could seriously have gone home like friday night, of course theres a "formal" on saturday so i would have still stayed for that, but school wise i have one stats final and my italian compositions that have to be finished, well one finished the other one polished. and the movie in theory for gabe.

You are StrongBad. You hate everyone, especially
HomeStar. Your e-mails and prank calls are
hilarious. You're my favorite character. You
try to be evil, but sorry, being shirtless with
boxing gloves just isn't scary. Don't worry
what everone else thinks because hey, they are
all "crap for brains".


What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Strong bad rules!

oh and i'm posting this, but i dont think i'm cool enough to know what it means....

YOU ARE EMO!
You are one big mess of misunderstood emotions.Unfortunatelly you lost all of your friends once you started wearing only black, Gap sweaters and fake glasses. The good news is that you now have a whole new ring of anti-social, well-dressed friends. You sure got a way with style, and the music you listen to is enough to make even the hardest of people break down in tears. Times used to be tough, but these days life is pretty good for an emo kid. With your short black hair and morbid poetry you are the envy of every depressed, suicide attempting, starbucks drinking mallgoer in your town.


What is your anti-conformist personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

some days you wake up and you're ready to conquer the world, today was not one of those days. today was the kind of day where all u wanna do is curl up under your covers and hide, but i didnt hide all day, i went to my last italian class, i worked on my movie some more, talked to Gabe and laughed at him for sleeping for 2.5hrs (he has a 1 and a half yr old who was sick, so he had a good reason to not sleep), i researched cars, filled out my housing app, watched Wall Street, and just did errands basically. nothing exciting.

i've just been thinking about a bunch of stuff. its the end of the semester but i feel no attachment to it, i'm ready for summer, and for change. i'm excited about this weekend and about getting to see andy and talk to him in person and hopefully figure something out. i'm excited about getting my eo back and being able to drive to the store. i'm excited about going home and going to My Pueblito and having the carne asada for dinner. i'm excited about seeing brent and driving around to good music and just thinking about everything and nothing all at once. i'm excited about seeing my mommy and just everything about her. i'm excited about going home. i'm sad that i'll only be there for a month, that my daddy might be transfered to arkansas, about andy being across the country from me, about not being able to hit up chachos at 3am from south hadley...but everything will work itself out. i'm looking foward to change. i'm very much looking forward to next year, and my birthday and being older.

making movies is hard.

i spent all last night/afternoon learning how to use swish (think macromedia but easier) and the first 2 hrs were spent on the tutorial. I was basically doing this until like 3 in the morning, but once i figured it out i was on a roll, I got the intro scene done (theres the title and my name and cool music and a background) now my next problem is writing some sort of plot for this thing and then drawing it...or figuring out what i can use to draw the ppl and then animate it. The program is pretty simple, so i actually dont think that the animation will be the hard part, this is really just a online childrens book sort of thing, so it should in theory not be that hard. I'm not trying to create water droplets that transform into monkeys or anything. once the whole thing is finished i'll post it on my webspace and everyone can enjoy my movie making genius. yay!

okay back to working to making cool flash animations!

today has been an interesting day in just every way of that word, but i'll start at the end and just give the highlights. I just had the most amazing conversation with a person from my intergroup dialogue group, and today was the last day that the group met and it was just so great, like that was just a wonderful experience, like just meeting with that group for 8 weeks just left me feeling so much more hopeful about a lot of issues (race and class) but mostly just brought my fate in humanity back up, so that was great. oh but we had just a really great conversation that lasted for so long, and i got to hear some more of her writing which just always touches me, and i'm just so glad that i found someone that I feel like i have so much in common with. Thats a great feeling.

Earlier on at 6ish, I met with Gabe (he's normally not in the office on thrusdays so he came back to campus from home to talk to me) and it was just so much fun talking to him. he was just being ridiculous and brilliant all at the same time. I have way too much fun talking to this man, I really dont think you're supposed to enjoy talking to a professor so much, but I feel like he's really become like my mentor, like my reminder of what i'm capable of doing and how much fun it really is, plus its just so easy to talk to him, but I guess after you've been working with someone for almost 2 yrs it becomes that way. I'm very excited to see what we do this summer. Oh and Gabe rocks because he told me thats he's going to show the Matrix to his economics in popular film class, and really how much cooler can you get than letting your class watch the Matrix for an econ grade? not much.

before that I had a conversation with andy that was not so pleasant, but not truly unpleasant, it was more clarification. What I am learning is that relationships require a lot of work, they dont just flow.....ahhhh which leads my to one of the highlights of my day which was my tuna melt that I had for dinner. It hit the spot, because it was not dorm food.

::sigh:: then there was my counseling session which was oh so fun, where we talked about why i dont take compliments well, like if someone tells me "ohhh your paper was so great" my response is "yea i pulled it out of my ass, its not very good but thanks i guess..." and so she asked me to think about that and I am...i think its bc i never think anything that I do is "good enough." like there's very few things that I've done that I can say in all honesty that i'm proud of. Like going to Nationals in debate and getting fourth place? nope, not proud of that. like thats kinda sick isnt it? i'm proud of one painting that i've done, its the only one that I've ever signed...and I'm proud of two papers that I've written and both of those were in high school, and yea see I cant even think of three things. when andy and i talked about it he was telling me that i needed better self-esteem, but i think i have damn good self esteem, like i know i'm capable of a lot of things, and i know i'm better at things than most other ppl are, but my feeling is always "but the general population isnt really that bright, so that doesnt say much about me." ohhh i dont know, but i am going to think about where these high expectations came from and how i can work on that.

all in all the day was good. i went for a walk, saw some beautiful tulips in the garden and just had a really fullfilling conversation with someone who i feel connected to, which is a beautiful thing. that and when i talk to Gabe and he says he'll get me more money so i can live comfortably during the summer, it makes everything that much sweeter.

so its official, andy's going to be in Atlanta this summer, he got an excellent job with Georgia Tech and will be bringing in mad amounts of money, so everyone should congratulate him bc thats really exciting. it also means that it'll be another loooooong summer with even more miles between us. i wish i could say "well we did it last yr so this time it'll be okay" but I dont know that, bc we almost didnt make it last summer...and that scares me. its really rough being at a place in my life where I'm being pulled in one direction (i'm starting to get the feeling that its more like a yank than a pull) and the one that i love is being pulled in an opposite direction...two paths that just cant seem to meet at any place. but maybe thats just for the best, and we dont make our own plans really, its all chance and fate and whatever else gets thrown in there. and thats sad, because i was really looking foward to having him around (well a "close" 90 something miles from me.)

and why cant the tears stop flowing when this is a good thing? this is something good.

today has been an interesting day, a continuation of me being a roll yesterday. For my italian final I have 2 three page compositions to do for the 12th and I already have the first draft of the one being checked by the prof, and the first page of the other one being checked, so thats exciting because it looks like I'll have both of those done and in their final drafts by next friday. I also took a stats quiz today, which was the very first quiz that I just screwed up completly bc I psyched myself out, but I retook it and so I'm thinking that now I'm pulling an A in the class, not a solid A but an A minus, which puts me in a good place for the final next friday. so that means that this weekend is being devoted to studing and writing compositions. Oh and I should probably do something for Gabe, i was thinking of writing a childrens book for understanding capitalism, I figure we'll both get a kick out of that. The thing is though, that I'm left with an entire week to just hang out and pack I guess, but mostly just hang out. soo i dont know what i'm doing with that then, bc its not like anyone is going to be having any fun since they'll have finals.

okay today rocks! first the weather is wonderful, and i'm wearing my very cute white pants, then I've just been on a roll today: I skipped stats and showered and worked on italian, I went to a meeting with my italian professor where I thought she was gonna bite my head off but she didnt (she told me I was gifted at writing and that all that i had to do was get a concrete grasp on the grammar, oh and that i wasnt in as a grave a shape as i thought,) then I had lunch, paid my bill, and went to Gabe's class that had some amazing presentations in it (I really thought that the whole "create ur own projects" idea was just going to be awful but ppl have done amazing things, this guy sings us songs and then this other girl made a documentary film that was pretty cool,) and then I talked to Gabe and figured things out for the summer (I'm staying and he'll let me know as soon as they tell him how much i'm getting paid, oh and he's letting me pick the dates that I'm working which means I'll be home twice (!) this summer (or thats the plan at least,) and then I went to pick up my stats quiz which i rocked bc i only got 3 pnts taken off it for stupid mistakes and I checked my grade and I have a B+ in that class (once i redo one of the quizzes it should be a solid A!) and then I talked to the stats Prof for a little bit and found out that I can take the final on Friday instead of Saturday so I can leave friday night to go to Boston (yay! for "house dinners" or "casual drunken formals") but most importantly of all I got into my room and remembered it was my mommy's birthday and I called her, so really today I'm on a roll.

i'm not going to stats today (which is where i'm supposed to be now) bc that class is a waste of my time. I go in, late, and ppl are asking dumb questions, and then he goes thru the powerpoint slides which I can get off the site, so why should i go in and just lisen to him talk about something that I'm just going to teach myself an hr before the quiz? I think i'm just being cocky bc i aced the last quiz and i never studied for it or did any of the homework for it. but its really one of those classes were i go in and i'm like "why am i here?" or "i woke up for this?"

today will be devoted to italian, because thats something that no matter how many times i think i'm getting it right, i'm not. It could also be because I do all my compositions like an hr before their due....::sigh:: oh well. I'm meeting with my italian prof today and we'll see what happens after that.

haha thanks to Margaret for proving me with more reasons to avoid my italian


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i had the most wonderful fun filled day in Boston today. I left with the giant 12 seater van that was half full and drove over to MIT around 9:30 and made really good time getting there at like 11:20am, and then we spent the next 20 minutes trying to parallel park the damn thing. By "we" I mean Andy bc I dont know how to parallel park in a normal car, so i dont wanna try it in a van that huge with even bigger blind spots. Umm, and then there was the barbeque and before that I watched boys play video games, and that was just so much fun. The food was really yummy at the bbq, i had a nice thick burger and a hot dog, and then i dragged andy to Newbury st. so that I could go shopping or "hunting" as I like to think of it. There was the really cute "Getting Lucky in Kentucky" shirt at Urban Outfitters, but alas I am not from Kentucky, so I didnt buy it. The Texas shirt only said "Texas is for lovers" and I mean really, what kind of sexual slogan is that? Even the Kansas shirt was better than that, it said "Not everything in Kansas is flat" (its a women's shirt) and thats a good sexual slogan. I just went off on a tanget....where was I?

Oh right, so then after walking down Newbury and eating some delicious Ben and Jerry's ice cream (i had the brownie batter and the coffee on a waffle cone, yum!) we basically ran back to the house bc Andy was late for his softball game. I was insanely tired by the time we got to the astroturf field, so i ran into the student center and got a Lucky magazine and some water, and then went back to the game. Andy thinks that I wasnt paying attention bc I was looking at the magazine, but I really was, I saw Andy make a great home run and other ppl do stuff. They lost 8-5 though, but they where really strong in the end. Then we went back to the house and grabbed dinner, and then hung out until Andy's house meeting. then I waited for my girls to come back so we could head back to Moho...and the drive back was actually pretty quick, but I got lost in Chicopee and had to get back on the Mass Pike and just go thru Springfield. Ahh so tired, but such a good wonderful day.

ohhh and to make the whole day just that much sweeter I got the best message on my voice mail from Ms.Williams. So that was just like the icing on the cake. Today was just one of those wonderful perfect days where things just go right. Today was definately a good day.

yea, so I just came back from dinner and our dinning hall was full of hot harvard boys and it was really fun just watching everyone just stare at them, because they just stood out so much. first they were men, and then they were tall and so none of us could really stop looking at them. its like when you see an accident and cant stop staring, or like watching animals mate...you know you shouldn't be looking and yet its so mesmerizing that you really just cant stop. Dinner was of course unremarkable, but at least there was entertainment. ahh the joys of going to a women's college were all of a sudden seeing men in real life becomes entertainment.

ohhhh i want this!
its sooooo pretty! oh and this site has highly amusing stuff.

ohhh and these! soooo pretty!

i'm drained tonight, it was just a really long day considering that I put off my stats homework until the last minute and so I was up until about 5ish finishing it, I (of course) slept thru class, and then went to a counseling appointment which was intense but really helpful in helping me begin to sort things out in my head (my mom's illness and what that means, what I wanna do with my life, where my drive went, on and so forth) so after that point I looked at cars and began to get an idea of what I could afford and what I would like and mileages and stuff, and then more summer planning stuff (filling a summer housing app, writing gabe an email) and i just got back from a weekly thing i go to where we talk about race and class for 2hrs. not exactly the most joyful way to end my day, but i think i've had my fill today.

and of course when i wanna sleep ppl are being loud....oh well.

okay i'm maybe panicking a little, but i know absolutely nothing about cars and i have no idea how to shop for them , if anyone has anytips on where i should look, or how to compare cars, or what to look out for that would be most wonderful.

so i'm staying in South Hadley this summer, and at first I was unhappy about it, just not really sure if this going to be something good, but now I dont think it'll be that bad; I'll get a car and live in a dorm that has a kitchen (or an apartment somewhere but i dont know if i wanna do that) and when i cant take south hadley I'll go visit people. So I'll get to cook my own food, which makes me happy and be able to be around other ppl which is why I'm thinking that living in a dorm might be a better than living in a apartment somewhere. So yea, right now it seems good. Who knows maybe I'll become an expert kite flyer or something. Plus i'll be home for a couple of weeks, how long yet I havent decided, and then be here the rest of the time. I should make a list of places around here that I wanna go, like Canada and the Ben and Jerry's Factory. I like how my summer plans just completly changed on me without me doing anything.

today is HP appreciation day and since we have just the best HP (hall president) we decided to go over to Denny's to treat her today when we normally have our hall committee meeting. I forget how unattractive the locals around here are and i pretty much just spend the meeting giggling at the people in there. We walk in and there's this guy eating his burger with the most prominent mullet, it was a text book mullet, that man had a lot of pride in his mullet, like there was time spent on the mullet. From that point on it only got worse, like just no words can really describe the people in there. But we had a really fun meeting, and we were just really silly and had a great time at Denny's only problem is we got back at like midnight and I still have to finish my stats homework. oh well i'll sleep when i'm dead.

Jessica Paola's Battle Imp is

Asum

Backstabbing: 2 Dodgin': 10 Guts: 9 Magic Mojo: 1 Smackdown: 5

Will your battle imp beat Jessica Paola's? Enter your name and fight.

everything seems to just be solving itself lately. I want something to do for the summer thats going to be interesting and where i wont be treated like a child and Gabe offers me a research position. i want something interesting to volunteer during the summer and i see an add about a women's shelter around here thats looking for ppl for the summer. I need a car for the summer, some random girl is selling a car for $600 (i'm going to check this out to see what the deal is.) so everything is solving itself. my parents and andy agree that i should just take the job bc its something that i'm going to learn from and that i'm going to get paid for. they all agree though it comes down to how much i'll be paided. although but my parents say they help me out, which is really nice to have. i guess i'll just find a hobby or something to keep me busy and not bored. i dont know, i'm too tired to think at this point. too tired.

it looks like i'm going to be living in South Hadley this summer researching for Gabe. Its all dependent on practical things like where am i going to live, how am i going to get around, how much i'm going to be paid, etc. at this point this is a really nice thing to do during the summer and its the only solid offer that i have for the summer, but this is south hadley we're talking about and its not like theres too much going on here during the school yr, let alone during the summer...plus they dont have airconditioning here...i dont know, i would be getting paid to do something that i would do just for free basically...i just hope i come out of the summer ahead. i talked to my daddy and he said that if i wanted to buy like a cheap car then we could do that, so that i could go get food since the closest grocery store is literally a mile away. i dont know. although andy is going to be in boston and so is Ev and i think lusty brent is even going to be in the boston area...so theres that. just on a day to day basis it would be me, and gabe, and whomever else stays on campus (anyone?), and the squirrels. dont know. dont know.

oh its Jose Serpas' Birthday today! he's all of 19 today! happy birthday jose!