i am now back at moho. i cant find my phone though, but at least my computer is all set up and ready. My room is huuuge like theres boxes (big computer boxes and suitcases) all along one wall but you look at the other part of the room and it looks like just a normal room. like clean even nothing on the floors or anything.

i am not excited to be back, the night before last I had my last dinner with my daddy and I had a mojarra which is fried fish like head and all, it was sooo damn good, but it was sad bc I kept joking around with my dad that this was gonna be my last meal, and it pretty much is. it was my last good meal at least. being home the last week was just so damn good though, i did alot of shopping and got to hang out with Charles who I hadnt seen in a year (he thinks i'm shady but i'm really not) But most incredible was getting to go to Alesh's wedding way out in bumfuck, thats seriously one of the most beautiful places i've ever been to. The people there were hick, but they were soo nice and the whole experience just made me appreciate Texas so much. But now it makes me miss it, because like for instance me and the bext man (i was the maid of honor) went down to the riverbank bc i wanted to see it (that and he wanted to show me the lions in tigers in one of the neighbors back yards, that was a trip) and it was just so gorgeous. Like a little slice of heaven and he started mentioning other places, but it just made me sad bc I didnt have enough time to go see them. Like they have a four-wheeler at the house but since I just came Saturday for the wedding and was leaving Sunday, I couldnt go out on them, there just wasnt any time.

It just showed me all the fun and exciting things that I could be doing but here i am in my cold room (its like 70 outside, while i know that it could be worse, I just came from 105 degrees to 70, so this is cold) I'm seeing Gabe in like half an hr so i should probably shower and get ready to "work" this should be interesting.

I did some major shopping this weekend. Like major shopping. I bought a really cute pair of white drawstring pants, soooo summery and wonderful, a cute summer dress (its blue and halter top), a white top (sleeveless, v neck), the cutest jean skirt (its pleated and short), 2 purses, luggage, a new blow dryer, makeup, face wash, gorgeous green chandelear earings, and random wonderful stuff from target. I still have to hit up ikea before i go back though, and theres still some random stuff left to buy...i love shopping and especially when u go into a little store and buy something wonderful and find out its super cheap (like when we bought the purses they were like $15 bucks each and so we got really giddy and bought a lot of purses) and yea, thats why i love shopping with my mom, bc we love shopping, which is awful but so true, the only thing we didnt buy was shoes, but thats only cause I dont have room for anymore shoes at school...but a cute little pair of summer heals would be nice....

i have one week left and then its back to the cold...so sad. and brents still not back yet...punk. oh well, i guess i'm gonna end up missing him. This next weekend should be interesting, I'm either going to watch Alesh get married and be the maid of honor or I'm gonna go down to south padre island and go spend the weekend on the wonderful beautiful beach...i hope this girl isnt getting married this weekend, i really wanna go to the beach.

oh and filling out citizenship papers is an interesting process bc I sit there and some of those questions seem like tricks, like a word puzzle type of thing. and then some of them are just plain stupid, like asking you if you were ever a member of the communist government? like your going to check yes. but now at least for the most part its finished, except for the question on race, the choices were white, black, pacific islander, native american, alaskan, or unknown and I cant figure out what to check, bc I dont think I'm white, my dad thinks we should all check unknown since they dont have hispanic as a choice. I was thinking of just making a new box on the side for other bc i really dont think i'm white.

okay what really bugs me are those damn genital herpes commercials, like your just hanging out watching TV and then all of a sudden you hear "i used to be very active and then I got genital herpes" and I feel so bad for those actors who have to sit there with a straight face and just proclaim how they have genital herpes. it completly ruins my tv watching experience.

oh and going to a liberal arts college (emphasis on the liberal) completly changes the way that you watch TV, it basically takes all the fun of it because I sit there and notice how they represent and under represent minorities, how they talk about money, and how they naturalize specific gender roles...and then by then i dont even wanna watch TV...so i've taken to doing puzzles to keep myself busy. that and buying stuff...

bluebell ice cream and chocolate are a girls best friend. especially since brent sucks and isnt home yet, bastard. oh and i watched Down with Love today and its a bad sign where halfway thru the movie the only thing I could focus on were Reene's fake eyelashes...they looked like calapilars....i just couldnt look away. oh and dont bother going to see it, it turns into a completly different movie halfway thru, a weird different movie.

yea, being home is great because i have to drive to get anywhere, like last night i was bored out of my mind so I drove down the street to walgreens and spent my mommy's money on candy, a cheesy magazine, makeup, and one of those puzzle magazines that i like so much because i'm a dork. I've decided that I'm going to chop off my hair, or at least chop some of it off and add some shape to it...i might also dye it...might. I was thinking red maybe, or like a brownish shade...but then my hair now is kinda brownish and i dont know if i like it, so i probably wont do that.

being at home and being a complete an utter bum has given me the much needed motivation to actually look foward to going back to boring south hadley, mostly because i'll be paid and have my own car...and my own room so that my mom doesnt ask me six times a day what i'm going to do today, i've taken to just responding honestly so that she knows that my whole plan for being home is to eat candy and ice cream and watch bad daytime TV, because theres no shame in that.

i'm gonna do something with my hair...i dont know what though, i want it to grow so i dont think i'm going to cut it all off...although i just might. i'm thinking of doing something fun with it, maybe some red stripes or something, bc well...i'm bored. ohhh i got a single for the summer! soooo exciting! and its on the first floor so i dont have to lug all my stuff up a bunch a stairs and as i learned when i was packing i have a lot of stuff...and yet it doesnt feel like a lot....bc i really dont have that much stuff.

ummm yea i saw Kassady Lynn the other day which is Alesha's little girl and she's sooo big now and sooo freaking cute, and she talks now which is a trip for me bc when i first met her she couldnt even sit up, and now she talks, she's soo cute. I wanna just take her for a day and just hang out, bc you tell her to do something and she does it, like its kinda like a dog, but a kid, and so cute. Alesha brought along her pregnant friend who's like 7 months pregnant and that was creepy bc the girl was like poking her little boy bc he kept kicking her and stuff, it was gross.


oh and i'm watching Oprah right now (which is what i do when i'm on break) and this woman rules, she has like her favorite things and she has really cool things like a portable grill and a really cool camera, but the thing is that she gives everything she talks about to her audience, and the ppl are like going crazy like having breakdowns and crying.its fun to watch.

she just gave them all ipods! oh my! those are the sexiest things ever...well that and apple's G4s...thats one sexy laptop, which will be mine by the end of summer. woohoo!

okay this is why i love being home, tomorrow a "cold" front is going to be coming in and its going to be 87! i love it.

umm thats all i have to say.

i'm finally home, i've been here since Friday and its nice to be back...ummm lets do backwards highlights:

I got a pedicure today for the first time and it was wonderful. i think this is one of the reasons i love being home so much, my mom out of nowhere is like "u wanna go get a pedicure?" and i'm like "score" and then we went out to eat and then ice cream, i love being spoiled, i think its just my mom's way of letting me know she missed me

i slept all day on saturday

i arrived on friday, umm i saw a thunderstorm on the way in from nashville, oh i feel in love with nashville just from seeing it from the sky, its just gorgeous, i'm adding it to my list of places i must visit and possibly live in, ummm my bro drove me to the airport, i didnt miss my flight

on thrusday i managed to take my last exam, and pack all of my shit up in the course of 5 hrs...yea thats right, 5 hrs to pack all of my shit up, and i didnt sleep the night before with the matrix and talking to andy...i also learned i have a lot of shit...and it doesnt really seem like it either...so we got to worcester that night (its 'bout an hr from south hadley) and i fell asleep within 20minutes of hitting my bros couch, i slept until 11am the next day and i was still kinda sleepy.

umm and thats all the highlights i can remember...oh and its warm here like 85, which i think is a magical perfect temperature...i hate the cold.

The Matrix Reloaded was amazing, just how amazing you ask? it was a religious experience and i dont think i breathed from the point the movie started to the very end. just simply amazing. it also left me feeling like i could actually fly, but then i realized i couldnt and became very sad.

2 boxes are packed at this point, my room is stripped bare, and i wish i was in Boston right now sleeping in andys bed. oh well, will study some, pack more, and take my exam tomorrow morning.

i am not excited about summer. To me summer is something that needs to hurry up and finish so that I can see my boyfriend at the end of it. Summer is bittersweet, its hot and warm but at the same time its a large chunk of time where seeing/having any communication what so ever with andy is eratic, infrequent, sporatic, seldom...i think you get the point. This summer in particular is specially bittersweet bc I'm not excited about my research position,even though I'm sure it'll be way too much fun to get to spend weeks with Gabe watching movies and helping him write a book, but this will be the first time in my life that i spent my birthday alone, without my parents or even friends, and i know some people are used to this, but i've never had to do it before so i'm not. Birthdays arent a huge deal in my family, but they're a reason to have dinner and eat cake, add to that the fact that i doubt andy will be able to fly up to see me for my birthday since it falls on a tuesday and even becomes even more depressing...that was my pleasant thought on my hour and a half bus ride back from boston today, right after crying at having to watch andy wave goodbye and not being able to get off the bus and just stay with him...i hate leaving. i hate that whole day when i know that i have to go, or he has to go, its just becomes a thing where i try not to cry and just fail bc i keep thinking that i wont see him again for months....i really dont know how long it will be until i see him again, and honeslty i dont wanna sit down and count the days. i got back into my room and just started packing, because at this point the only thing that i'm looking foward to is seeing my parents, feeling the hot wonderful sun against my skin, and eating some pork chops, with lemon juice on top....yumm...

i went to a jazz club last night with andy, he told me i couldnt go in jeans so i had to spend the better part of my day finding something to wear bc when i left and asked him if i needed any heels or anything fancy he said no, so i bought myself a strapless black dress at the limited. Of course the couple we went with was in jeans and i was freezing (its still in the 50's here in the state that god forgot) so i used his jacket and andy was cold. umm the show itself...lets just say a third of it put me to sleep, the second third was just bizare (and no i'm ot kidding think dancers in tellytubby colored full body spandex suits and a creepy comedian doing his stand-up with jazz playing in the back) and the last third was really amazing and really good. Since i didnt pay for the ticket, I think it was alright. I was also overdressed and cold the whole night, and now own my second black strapless dress, i now have 3 solid black dresses....even i think thats odd.

oh and i also learned that Babylon 5 is a wondeful series, a large chunk of my visit with andy was spent watching this very addictive show, bc one of his roomates has the first and second sesson on DVD. I think we watched a part of the first and most of the second...i watched a lot of Babylon 5. This last visit with andy was really great, there was no fighting, no drama, no arguing, just a really pleasant fun time. ::sigh:: i'm gonna miss that boy.

but i get to see the Matrix at midnight, so that'll keep me going, and i take my final exam tomorrow morning and then i'm gone.

so last night i learned a few things,

1. celebratory drinking on monday nights is a good thing
2. vanilla vodka is a little easier to take than just normal vodka
3. i think my body does not enjoy taking straight shots anymore, sad and yet true
4. andy does not play video games well
5. drunk ppl are always amusing
6. drunk ppl playing video games are just more entertaining
7. men are just as insecure as women, they just hide it more (i already knew this one, this was just a reminder)
8. going to bed at 4am every night just screws up your sleeping schedule
9. andy is highly entertaining when drunk but not plastered, the difference is the fine line between him being relaxed and him being a violent drunk
10. christopher walken is just too damn cool. (we watched pulp fiction, and he's just great in it)
and finally
11. i have really weird dreams normally, but after i drink they just get bizzare.

so i am in an MIT computer lab right now, trying to get my stats stuff printed out, but i cant figure out how to get the thing to show up. since i dont think they have powerpoint installed on these computers. sooo yea, this place smells funny and i'm the only woman in here and everything seems just a little more complicated than it needs to be...so thats no good. must keep myself entertained for an hour....must stay entertained. must be producted while the scary man next to me hacks things up...and the computer makes weird noises that i dont understand....

so i go to my last counseling session of the yr (i've gone to a grand total of 3) and when I ask my counselor if she thinks i need long term therapy (bc she kept asking me if i wanted to continue going) and she tells me that from what she knows of me I'm a very healthy, mature, smart, young woman with a lot of potential and that while i dont need long term therapy, she feels everyone should go to therapy and we both just started laughing, it was a great moment. So i'm feeling specially good today because i got the sane stamp of approval from this woman and I'm going to Boston today and I'm very excited about tomorrow nights dinner and the yummy shrimp scampi thats being made for me by their cook. Also very excited about Ms.Evelyn Kapusta joining me for the festivities, but mostly bc if I'm going to drink around a bunch of frat boys I need Ev there with me, bc shes my drinking buddy, she's my drinking tolerance twin, so its going to be very fun. yea, so i havent studied much at all these last few days, I've managed to watch every single homestarunner cartoon, and to become the master of spider solitare, but studying for stats or writing my italian composition....eh not so much.

yea, i'm in a great mood. i've even managed to get started on the packing....although i still havent busted open that trunk...anyone have any ideas (besides bolt cutters which i dont have) of getting one of those masterlock padlock things open? anyone?

hey its brent's birthday!
Yay for brent he's one year closer to being 21! not like brent would really need to be 21 for any reason....ummm well...its still a good thing so yay!

okay, so last night i had the most traumatizing experience where I had to kill a bee that had found its way into my room. first i dont like bugs that can fly, i just dont like bugs, but flying bugs? thats just not right. okay second, I have never been stung by a bee, and would like to keep it that way, which gives me an even greater fear of being stung by a bee bc if i had felt it i would at least know what its like and be like well it cant kill me, but i've never been stung so i dont know that. so when i opened the window to let the other bugs out of my room (they were just the little baby nat things that flew in thru the mosquito net) this bee flies in and it like graces my hand and so of course i screamed, and it was ohh 1am or so, so i think it resonated thru the dorm. and then i proceeded to hide under my covers so the bug wouldnt be able to get me, did i mention i was on the phone with andy thru this whole ordeal? yea, he wasnt so helpful at first, but then he talked me thru the process of killing the damn thing and a good 20minutes later i actually killed the damn thing. but after the whole incident my room didnt feel the same and so i stayed up and watched andy's robotics competition online until 4ish and then i decided to just stay awake and make sure andy woke up from his nap. and i had weird dreams too last night, i blame the dead bee for giving my room creepy vibes.

i like how i look down at my trash can and there are just two bottles of smirnoff, an orange peel, and a coke bottle in there, i would like to think of it as an analogy to my life....or something. yea, i dont feel like doing any work today, not like i've really felt like doing any work all semester, or like i've really worked really hard this semester...but yesterday was the last day of classes and it was good. i skipped my last stats class, went and talked to my italian prof (she was semi-helpful, but kind enough to give me an A- on my last exam), and there was some sort of picnic. Dinner was interesting because champagne and strawberries happened before dinner for the seniors, its a tradition where on the last day of classes the seniors go to the president's house and get blastered basically to celebrate. Its actually traditions such as that one that got me suckered into coming to this place, but they also make me happy that i did chose to come here. theres general things that need to occur today, like maybe the beginning of packing, some slight cleaning (throwing away papers that i dont want), and in theory studying. i dont really remember how i managed to pack everything up last semester or even how long it took me to get it done. It couldnt have been that long though, bc i'm a master packer, I wish I didnt have to stay for closing, if not i could seriously have gone home like friday night, of course theres a "formal" on saturday so i would have still stayed for that, but school wise i have one stats final and my italian compositions that have to be finished, well one finished the other one polished. and the movie in theory for gabe.

You are StrongBad. You hate everyone, especially
HomeStar. Your e-mails and prank calls are
hilarious. You're my favorite character. You
try to be evil, but sorry, being shirtless with
boxing gloves just isn't scary. Don't worry
what everone else thinks because hey, they are
all "crap for brains".


What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Strong bad rules!

oh and i'm posting this, but i dont think i'm cool enough to know what it means....

YOU ARE EMO!
You are one big mess of misunderstood emotions.Unfortunatelly you lost all of your friends once you started wearing only black, Gap sweaters and fake glasses. The good news is that you now have a whole new ring of anti-social, well-dressed friends. You sure got a way with style, and the music you listen to is enough to make even the hardest of people break down in tears. Times used to be tough, but these days life is pretty good for an emo kid. With your short black hair and morbid poetry you are the envy of every depressed, suicide attempting, starbucks drinking mallgoer in your town.


What is your anti-conformist personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

some days you wake up and you're ready to conquer the world, today was not one of those days. today was the kind of day where all u wanna do is curl up under your covers and hide, but i didnt hide all day, i went to my last italian class, i worked on my movie some more, talked to Gabe and laughed at him for sleeping for 2.5hrs (he has a 1 and a half yr old who was sick, so he had a good reason to not sleep), i researched cars, filled out my housing app, watched Wall Street, and just did errands basically. nothing exciting.

i've just been thinking about a bunch of stuff. its the end of the semester but i feel no attachment to it, i'm ready for summer, and for change. i'm excited about this weekend and about getting to see andy and talk to him in person and hopefully figure something out. i'm excited about getting my eo back and being able to drive to the store. i'm excited about going home and going to My Pueblito and having the carne asada for dinner. i'm excited about seeing brent and driving around to good music and just thinking about everything and nothing all at once. i'm excited about seeing my mommy and just everything about her. i'm excited about going home. i'm sad that i'll only be there for a month, that my daddy might be transfered to arkansas, about andy being across the country from me, about not being able to hit up chachos at 3am from south hadley...but everything will work itself out. i'm looking foward to change. i'm very much looking forward to next year, and my birthday and being older.

making movies is hard.

i spent all last night/afternoon learning how to use swish (think macromedia but easier) and the first 2 hrs were spent on the tutorial. I was basically doing this until like 3 in the morning, but once i figured it out i was on a roll, I got the intro scene done (theres the title and my name and cool music and a background) now my next problem is writing some sort of plot for this thing and then drawing it...or figuring out what i can use to draw the ppl and then animate it. The program is pretty simple, so i actually dont think that the animation will be the hard part, this is really just a online childrens book sort of thing, so it should in theory not be that hard. I'm not trying to create water droplets that transform into monkeys or anything. once the whole thing is finished i'll post it on my webspace and everyone can enjoy my movie making genius. yay!

okay back to working to making cool flash animations!

today has been an interesting day in just every way of that word, but i'll start at the end and just give the highlights. I just had the most amazing conversation with a person from my intergroup dialogue group, and today was the last day that the group met and it was just so great, like that was just a wonderful experience, like just meeting with that group for 8 weeks just left me feeling so much more hopeful about a lot of issues (race and class) but mostly just brought my fate in humanity back up, so that was great. oh but we had just a really great conversation that lasted for so long, and i got to hear some more of her writing which just always touches me, and i'm just so glad that i found someone that I feel like i have so much in common with. Thats a great feeling.

Earlier on at 6ish, I met with Gabe (he's normally not in the office on thrusdays so he came back to campus from home to talk to me) and it was just so much fun talking to him. he was just being ridiculous and brilliant all at the same time. I have way too much fun talking to this man, I really dont think you're supposed to enjoy talking to a professor so much, but I feel like he's really become like my mentor, like my reminder of what i'm capable of doing and how much fun it really is, plus its just so easy to talk to him, but I guess after you've been working with someone for almost 2 yrs it becomes that way. I'm very excited to see what we do this summer. Oh and Gabe rocks because he told me thats he's going to show the Matrix to his economics in popular film class, and really how much cooler can you get than letting your class watch the Matrix for an econ grade? not much.

before that I had a conversation with andy that was not so pleasant, but not truly unpleasant, it was more clarification. What I am learning is that relationships require a lot of work, they dont just flow.....ahhhh which leads my to one of the highlights of my day which was my tuna melt that I had for dinner. It hit the spot, because it was not dorm food.

::sigh:: then there was my counseling session which was oh so fun, where we talked about why i dont take compliments well, like if someone tells me "ohhh your paper was so great" my response is "yea i pulled it out of my ass, its not very good but thanks i guess..." and so she asked me to think about that and I am...i think its bc i never think anything that I do is "good enough." like there's very few things that I've done that I can say in all honesty that i'm proud of. Like going to Nationals in debate and getting fourth place? nope, not proud of that. like thats kinda sick isnt it? i'm proud of one painting that i've done, its the only one that I've ever signed...and I'm proud of two papers that I've written and both of those were in high school, and yea see I cant even think of three things. when andy and i talked about it he was telling me that i needed better self-esteem, but i think i have damn good self esteem, like i know i'm capable of a lot of things, and i know i'm better at things than most other ppl are, but my feeling is always "but the general population isnt really that bright, so that doesnt say much about me." ohhh i dont know, but i am going to think about where these high expectations came from and how i can work on that.

all in all the day was good. i went for a walk, saw some beautiful tulips in the garden and just had a really fullfilling conversation with someone who i feel connected to, which is a beautiful thing. that and when i talk to Gabe and he says he'll get me more money so i can live comfortably during the summer, it makes everything that much sweeter.

so its official, andy's going to be in Atlanta this summer, he got an excellent job with Georgia Tech and will be bringing in mad amounts of money, so everyone should congratulate him bc thats really exciting. it also means that it'll be another loooooong summer with even more miles between us. i wish i could say "well we did it last yr so this time it'll be okay" but I dont know that, bc we almost didnt make it last summer...and that scares me. its really rough being at a place in my life where I'm being pulled in one direction (i'm starting to get the feeling that its more like a yank than a pull) and the one that i love is being pulled in an opposite direction...two paths that just cant seem to meet at any place. but maybe thats just for the best, and we dont make our own plans really, its all chance and fate and whatever else gets thrown in there. and thats sad, because i was really looking foward to having him around (well a "close" 90 something miles from me.)

and why cant the tears stop flowing when this is a good thing? this is something good.

today has been an interesting day, a continuation of me being a roll yesterday. For my italian final I have 2 three page compositions to do for the 12th and I already have the first draft of the one being checked by the prof, and the first page of the other one being checked, so thats exciting because it looks like I'll have both of those done and in their final drafts by next friday. I also took a stats quiz today, which was the very first quiz that I just screwed up completly bc I psyched myself out, but I retook it and so I'm thinking that now I'm pulling an A in the class, not a solid A but an A minus, which puts me in a good place for the final next friday. so that means that this weekend is being devoted to studing and writing compositions. Oh and I should probably do something for Gabe, i was thinking of writing a childrens book for understanding capitalism, I figure we'll both get a kick out of that. The thing is though, that I'm left with an entire week to just hang out and pack I guess, but mostly just hang out. soo i dont know what i'm doing with that then, bc its not like anyone is going to be having any fun since they'll have finals.

okay today rocks! first the weather is wonderful, and i'm wearing my very cute white pants, then I've just been on a roll today: I skipped stats and showered and worked on italian, I went to a meeting with my italian professor where I thought she was gonna bite my head off but she didnt (she told me I was gifted at writing and that all that i had to do was get a concrete grasp on the grammar, oh and that i wasnt in as a grave a shape as i thought,) then I had lunch, paid my bill, and went to Gabe's class that had some amazing presentations in it (I really thought that the whole "create ur own projects" idea was just going to be awful but ppl have done amazing things, this guy sings us songs and then this other girl made a documentary film that was pretty cool,) and then I talked to Gabe and figured things out for the summer (I'm staying and he'll let me know as soon as they tell him how much i'm getting paid, oh and he's letting me pick the dates that I'm working which means I'll be home twice (!) this summer (or thats the plan at least,) and then I went to pick up my stats quiz which i rocked bc i only got 3 pnts taken off it for stupid mistakes and I checked my grade and I have a B+ in that class (once i redo one of the quizzes it should be a solid A!) and then I talked to the stats Prof for a little bit and found out that I can take the final on Friday instead of Saturday so I can leave friday night to go to Boston (yay! for "house dinners" or "casual drunken formals") but most importantly of all I got into my room and remembered it was my mommy's birthday and I called her, so really today I'm on a roll.

i'm not going to stats today (which is where i'm supposed to be now) bc that class is a waste of my time. I go in, late, and ppl are asking dumb questions, and then he goes thru the powerpoint slides which I can get off the site, so why should i go in and just lisen to him talk about something that I'm just going to teach myself an hr before the quiz? I think i'm just being cocky bc i aced the last quiz and i never studied for it or did any of the homework for it. but its really one of those classes were i go in and i'm like "why am i here?" or "i woke up for this?"

today will be devoted to italian, because thats something that no matter how many times i think i'm getting it right, i'm not. It could also be because I do all my compositions like an hr before their due....::sigh:: oh well. I'm meeting with my italian prof today and we'll see what happens after that.

haha thanks to Margaret for proving me with more reasons to avoid my italian


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
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i had the most wonderful fun filled day in Boston today. I left with the giant 12 seater van that was half full and drove over to MIT around 9:30 and made really good time getting there at like 11:20am, and then we spent the next 20 minutes trying to parallel park the damn thing. By "we" I mean Andy bc I dont know how to parallel park in a normal car, so i dont wanna try it in a van that huge with even bigger blind spots. Umm, and then there was the barbeque and before that I watched boys play video games, and that was just so much fun. The food was really yummy at the bbq, i had a nice thick burger and a hot dog, and then i dragged andy to Newbury st. so that I could go shopping or "hunting" as I like to think of it. There was the really cute "Getting Lucky in Kentucky" shirt at Urban Outfitters, but alas I am not from Kentucky, so I didnt buy it. The Texas shirt only said "Texas is for lovers" and I mean really, what kind of sexual slogan is that? Even the Kansas shirt was better than that, it said "Not everything in Kansas is flat" (its a women's shirt) and thats a good sexual slogan. I just went off on a tanget....where was I?

Oh right, so then after walking down Newbury and eating some delicious Ben and Jerry's ice cream (i had the brownie batter and the coffee on a waffle cone, yum!) we basically ran back to the house bc Andy was late for his softball game. I was insanely tired by the time we got to the astroturf field, so i ran into the student center and got a Lucky magazine and some water, and then went back to the game. Andy thinks that I wasnt paying attention bc I was looking at the magazine, but I really was, I saw Andy make a great home run and other ppl do stuff. They lost 8-5 though, but they where really strong in the end. Then we went back to the house and grabbed dinner, and then hung out until Andy's house meeting. then I waited for my girls to come back so we could head back to Moho...and the drive back was actually pretty quick, but I got lost in Chicopee and had to get back on the Mass Pike and just go thru Springfield. Ahh so tired, but such a good wonderful day.

ohhh and to make the whole day just that much sweeter I got the best message on my voice mail from Ms.Williams. So that was just like the icing on the cake. Today was just one of those wonderful perfect days where things just go right. Today was definately a good day.

yea, so I just came back from dinner and our dinning hall was full of hot harvard boys and it was really fun just watching everyone just stare at them, because they just stood out so much. first they were men, and then they were tall and so none of us could really stop looking at them. its like when you see an accident and cant stop staring, or like watching animals mate...you know you shouldn't be looking and yet its so mesmerizing that you really just cant stop. Dinner was of course unremarkable, but at least there was entertainment. ahh the joys of going to a women's college were all of a sudden seeing men in real life becomes entertainment.

ohhhh i want this!
its sooooo pretty! oh and this site has highly amusing stuff.

ohhh and these! soooo pretty!

i'm drained tonight, it was just a really long day considering that I put off my stats homework until the last minute and so I was up until about 5ish finishing it, I (of course) slept thru class, and then went to a counseling appointment which was intense but really helpful in helping me begin to sort things out in my head (my mom's illness and what that means, what I wanna do with my life, where my drive went, on and so forth) so after that point I looked at cars and began to get an idea of what I could afford and what I would like and mileages and stuff, and then more summer planning stuff (filling a summer housing app, writing gabe an email) and i just got back from a weekly thing i go to where we talk about race and class for 2hrs. not exactly the most joyful way to end my day, but i think i've had my fill today.

and of course when i wanna sleep ppl are being loud....oh well.

okay i'm maybe panicking a little, but i know absolutely nothing about cars and i have no idea how to shop for them , if anyone has anytips on where i should look, or how to compare cars, or what to look out for that would be most wonderful.

so i'm staying in South Hadley this summer, and at first I was unhappy about it, just not really sure if this going to be something good, but now I dont think it'll be that bad; I'll get a car and live in a dorm that has a kitchen (or an apartment somewhere but i dont know if i wanna do that) and when i cant take south hadley I'll go visit people. So I'll get to cook my own food, which makes me happy and be able to be around other ppl which is why I'm thinking that living in a dorm might be a better than living in a apartment somewhere. So yea, right now it seems good. Who knows maybe I'll become an expert kite flyer or something. Plus i'll be home for a couple of weeks, how long yet I havent decided, and then be here the rest of the time. I should make a list of places around here that I wanna go, like Canada and the Ben and Jerry's Factory. I like how my summer plans just completly changed on me without me doing anything.

today is HP appreciation day and since we have just the best HP (hall president) we decided to go over to Denny's to treat her today when we normally have our hall committee meeting. I forget how unattractive the locals around here are and i pretty much just spend the meeting giggling at the people in there. We walk in and there's this guy eating his burger with the most prominent mullet, it was a text book mullet, that man had a lot of pride in his mullet, like there was time spent on the mullet. From that point on it only got worse, like just no words can really describe the people in there. But we had a really fun meeting, and we were just really silly and had a great time at Denny's only problem is we got back at like midnight and I still have to finish my stats homework. oh well i'll sleep when i'm dead.

Jessica Paola's Battle Imp is

Asum

Backstabbing: 2 Dodgin': 10 Guts: 9 Magic Mojo: 1 Smackdown: 5

Will your battle imp beat Jessica Paola's? Enter your name and fight.

everything seems to just be solving itself lately. I want something to do for the summer thats going to be interesting and where i wont be treated like a child and Gabe offers me a research position. i want something interesting to volunteer during the summer and i see an add about a women's shelter around here thats looking for ppl for the summer. I need a car for the summer, some random girl is selling a car for $600 (i'm going to check this out to see what the deal is.) so everything is solving itself. my parents and andy agree that i should just take the job bc its something that i'm going to learn from and that i'm going to get paid for. they all agree though it comes down to how much i'll be paided. although but my parents say they help me out, which is really nice to have. i guess i'll just find a hobby or something to keep me busy and not bored. i dont know, i'm too tired to think at this point. too tired.

it looks like i'm going to be living in South Hadley this summer researching for Gabe. Its all dependent on practical things like where am i going to live, how am i going to get around, how much i'm going to be paid, etc. at this point this is a really nice thing to do during the summer and its the only solid offer that i have for the summer, but this is south hadley we're talking about and its not like theres too much going on here during the school yr, let alone during the summer...plus they dont have airconditioning here...i dont know, i would be getting paid to do something that i would do just for free basically...i just hope i come out of the summer ahead. i talked to my daddy and he said that if i wanted to buy like a cheap car then we could do that, so that i could go get food since the closest grocery store is literally a mile away. i dont know. although andy is going to be in boston and so is Ev and i think lusty brent is even going to be in the boston area...so theres that. just on a day to day basis it would be me, and gabe, and whomever else stays on campus (anyone?), and the squirrels. dont know. dont know.

oh its Jose Serpas' Birthday today! he's all of 19 today! happy birthday jose!

my mom bought me this great black dress for the last formal of the yr, and its just a beautiful black dress. theres just something about dresses that when i put them on i just feel like i own the world, like i could do just do anything, rule a small country, take over the world, run a large corporation, all while looking ravishing. they make me feel just amazing, and so my mom is wonderful bc i can send her on a random quest to buy me a dress and of course she picks out something perfect for me. i didnt want to buy anything up here bc the clothes here just dont appeal to me, theres just something about the clothes in Houston, or the way ppl dress there that is so much more alive, flirtatious, attractive, beautiful, etc. i really dont know why i'm studying economics when the real thing that makes me giddy like a little girl is clothes and shoes...oh i love shoes....i actually think this dress would look better with a different pair of black shoes...maybe more of a stiletto heel, a little higher, with tiner straps. very simple, classic, and deathly. (yea i have gorgeous images of shoes running thru my head now)

oh and this weekend was just filled with good food (another great love), i figured since andy was coming over i should be a good host and treat him to some good food, so on friday night we went out to a good sushi place and had great sushi, then on saturday we went out to chinese and had just the best chinese dinner (all my favorites: wonton soup, egg rolls, and happy family) and then today since i had the van and was learning how to drive it, we went to springfield and ate at On the Border, which is a chain of Mexican/tex-mexish type food, it was sooo yummy i dont really care that its not authentic, and we ate too much and were late to getting the van back...but the food was soooo good.

andy's visit was the same as always, so good and yet just filled with silly bickering/fighing/being childish...but i think even as it was it went really well. i feel like when you've been dating someone for a yr and the beginning of the 8th month, you take the good with the bad and just remind urself to stop being so stubborn and childish and just apologize for not sharing the stupid game...(sorry about that pumpkin)

geez this semester is almost over and i dont feel like i ever really opened the books, eh. next semester I'll go back to the way things always are with me taking 5 classes and worrying about getting enough research done. in the meantime i'm going to enjoy the warmish weather (we're in the 60's y'all!) and try to figure out some concrete plans for the summer.

oh and make me more popular!

bc i am a quiz whore.

I am 64% Evil

With a style rating of 61%

There is evil here with sufficient style to look cool

Test created by Jamie - take it here.

a most interesting week this has been indeed, I watched a highly disturbing Italian movie that was sold to us as a "comedy" like very slapstick, funny, stuff and of course what it turn out to be? the complete opposite of that. The funniest part in the entire movie was when this womans husband was run over by two cars (it looked like a cartoon) the rest of the movie, Le Fate Ignoranti (Ignorant Fairies), was basically watching this woman grieve and then on top of losing her husband finding out that he had a 7 yr affair [pause] with a man. yea funny times indeed. Like halfway thru the movie I just started crying bc this poor woman who was truly in love with this man who she had been married to for 15yrs, finds out that he's having an affair and then she has to figure out if her husband ever loved her at all, and why she would lie to her when the other man knew all along about her. But of course for good measure theres a friend who's dying of AIDS and she takes care of him, and a transvestite who hasn't told her family about her change into a woman, and various other interesting characters thrown in. If it hadn't been sold to me as a comedy I probably would have enjoyed this movie, but once the gay threesome was thrown in the middle of the film, I didn't really know why I was watching this film.

and thrusday i slept thru my last class of the week bc I had stayed up till around 4 finishing the homework, but I turned it in late, and I ran errands all day thrusday like checking my mail obsessively. and thats about it, i'm just getting ready for andy to come in tonight and i'm so very excited about that, and thats pretty much it. this semester is so close to being done, i'm almost home. almost.

I found this highly amusing so I figured I would include it as a public service announcement.

Subject: WORDS WOMEN USE
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh.

Its been a really interesting week, but the weather has been wonderful and amazing so I've been feeling superb. I got to wear my cute little green skirt today, and I had class outside and it hit 81 degrees! woohoo! now thats what I need to be a productive and happy jes, and we all want a happy jes. So I made my schedule for next semester and its hard core but not insane. I'll be taking 6 classes and 2 gym classes (yea it sounds more intense/impressive than it is) to begin with I'll be taking italian pass/fail and its not too much effort to pass, and 2 classes that only meet once a week. Plus my independent which doesnt have a set class time, and my gyms are yoga (which is only half the semester) and begining scuba diving which meets once a week. so yea, i'm excited about next semester bc its going to be all Gabe all the time, and I'll have fun, bc i'm a great big dork. ohhh and i managed to talk to both my academic dean and my old ws prof and i was just on top of everything that needed to be filled in today.

ummm as far as next yrs living situation, the ppl on my floor so far seem cool, not too odd or anything, mostly seniors, then juniors, and i have no sophmores. and my hall committee seems good.

did i mention the weather was gorgeous today? bc it was, and just everyone was in a great mood and thats just whats needed to have things work well for me. i still have some italian to work on and a quiz to study for, but it just seems like things are getting better. it was really about time.

my weekend was completly controlled and owned by preview students (we call them perspectives or prospies) and at first i was a little bitter about it bc when u have ur own single u get kinda territotial about ur space, but i got two ultra sweet girls who were both just so giddy and excited about everything that i couldnt help myself. seeing the school again thru their eyes kind of energized me and made me see it that way again, and realize just how quickly my time here has just flown by, next yr when they come in I'm going to be a junior, thats just amazing and i'm super excited about next yr and my classes and just everything.

theres just so many little things about this weekend that were amusing i dont know what to start with....well one of my prospies spent like 2 hrs (i think its more like 3 but i'll be generous) getting ready yesterday, like it was just amazing bc i cant think of 2hrs worth of stuff that i would do with myself just on a normal morning, like my routine has become 10minutes if that before i go to class. so thats just amazing to me.

oh and they thought they would see more lesbians, that just cracks me up. i was talking to one of my friends whos now an ex-SA since she didnt reapply for next yr, and we were just joking around how if ur roomate being a lesbian is the biggest problem you have with her, be thankful bc it could just be so much worse. i think i'll bring that up during orientation when i'm leading a group of firsties, see how they like that reality.

but yea, all in all i got little sleep this weekend, but i feel good about it so its okay.

today was an interesting day. Without even getting out of bed I talked to andy (or at least I think it was andy, i was half asleep i dont really know), my mommy, and alesh. My phone has been ringing a lot these last two days, which is odd bc no one (except andy) ever calls me. so that was excitement. of course I also receieved a call from some girl who was looking for "nana" and she called twice and woke me up, which i didnt like so much. i was trying to sleep in today, since its becoming increasingly hard for me to go to sleep this last week, but for some reason whenever I want to do that I hear the exact same people in the hallway (and this is every week) and I really want to rip their heads off, but I dont...i'm really kind sometimes. i might mention it to them in a passive aggressive way later on though....

oh i think i mentioned jazzing up this site yesterday, i may not have and just thought that i did, but I'm considering following in my bro's footsteps and buying my own site and moving on beyond blogspot.....but i think my blog would require more from me if i did that, like some kind of theme, or regular audience, or direction, or style. but good things would come from it too....so i dont know.

also lasu has a job with Halliburton (congrats lasu!) but it made me realize that i'm not ever going to get a job like that, i just couldnt work for them (moral reasons basically) and wont ever end up working for a company like that which is sad bc i'm not going to make 15/hr during the summer with a company, its just not going to happen...so that little realization made me sad last night.

i'm highly disturbed that the most common search result for ppl to get to my site is something about fucking jessica rabbit, like "Jessica Rabbit Fuck" or "Jessica Rabbit Punch"

i'm gonna ponder that, and why being an SA is such a helpless job really....

go and rate ur professors bc it really is a fun thing to waste ur evening with.

i cant sleep. I think i've messed up my own body schedule so much that I just cant go to bed at a decent hour anymore. Theres so much on my mind and yet its not coming out. I keep sleeping thru classes bc I wake up and wanna crawl back into bed, so I basically tell myself I'm either going to go back to bed and enjoy it or get my ass out of bed instead of doing my normal get up every ten minutes to turn off the alarm thing. So of course when I do that I just crawl back into bed and enjoy my sleep, it just seems more important to me than italian.

ppl keep gently asking me if i'm okay bc "this isn't like you jes" but maybe it is. I've been thinking about that the last couple of days, maybe my Abad genes can only take me so far, we're all so full of promise and brilliance and then we only get so far. Like me and my brother both went to the same high school and started out in the top ten and then by the time senior yr rolled around we both had classes that had a high possibility that we weren't going to pass. Like the start of the race is really good and then.....We get bored? I dont know. I cant really use the "we" cause i've never asked jon about it, but i'm going to guess that I can use the "we" bc at this point he seems especially tired of school. i'm tired of school, but its that point in the semester where no one is really giddy about school anymore, its just a matter of finishing the race.

the more I learn the sadder I get.

I dont care if you liked what Michael Moore said at the Oscars or not, but go to his site and read what the man has to say about it himself.

If you turn on the TV you hear a lot of talking heads talking about how now that the war is on its way, that anyone who was against the war in the first place should just shut up bc its "unpatriotic" to speak against the troops. Does anyone really know what patriotism is these days? Is it waving an american flag and agreeing with idiot Bush? Democracy, true democracy not the shit we have now that ppl like to imagine is democracy, requires involvement, demands participation, not silence. Please, for whatever u believe in The Goddess, God, Allah, find out the truth about whats going on in the world. Whats going on in this war. Hell about whats going on here. This is the way protesters are being treated, here in the US, the land of freedom. At least Saddam has the decency to cut the tongues off his enemies in public.

yea, war news never makes me a happy camper.

I am an imaginary number 1i I don't really exist _

what number are you?

this quiz by orsa


i thought this was funny.

yea so checking the weather in Houston is way too depressing for me, I really need to stop doing that but the current weather is just ridiculous. I just keep telling myself that I don't have to live with this weather forever, its just temporary, I'm glad I'm not from the north. I'm soooooo looking foward to summer, and i dont want to think that I'm so affected by the weather, but I seriously think that the cold just sucks all the life out of me. Like my will to do anything is just zapped away from me. I just wanna hibernate, sleep, and see andy.

but yea, summer, I dont have a job but I know that I'll be warm. I have to work this summer, bc I need a car. For my personal sanity, I just need it. Oh but I was talking to Brent about going home, bc he's not going home for the summer (the last time he was home was like a yr ago) and he was telling me that he doesnt mind not seeing his mom bc you cant be with ur parents forever, and he asked me like where I would live when I was an adult, basically trying to get me to say that I wouldnt be near my parents and I basically replied that I wanted to be as close to them as possible, and i think that I've had this conversation more than once now with different ppl but I'm getting much more attached to my parents as I get older, but I guess I just appreciate them more. I dont know.

Oh and sleeping by urself sucks. I could not go to sleep last night, and my body was exhausted and there were plenty of times that i thought "oh this is it I'm finally going to sleep" and nope nothing. But I probably ruined it by thinking that i was going to go to sleep. but yea, i just could not go to sleep. I got so used to having andy there that I couldnt go to sleep without him, which is a little odd since I see him so sporadically. but its just insanely comforting having someone next to you while you sleep.

i spent the last 5 days in Boston, and whenever i go there its like a rollercoster, I'm really happy, I'm not so happy, I'm kinda "eh", and then theres a climax of some sort (someone says something so theres a fight or someone has too much to drink, etc), and then theres the resolving of that situation, and then theres the happy make up, and then i have to leave, or he leaves, either one. i feel so tired after going there for the last couple of days....soooo tired. probably bc i didnt go to bed until 7am ish, damn daylight savings. I went and saw Brent, which was nice bc i got to see Brent and just be around different ppl, and I saw a pretty cool little show, and then by the time I made it back to the house it was 12:35, and the sophmore party was already started and that was fun. I actually enjoyed it, even though I was only technically at the party for like an hr, but then ppl hung around in the stairwell and then someone had the bright idea to play beer die, so andy and some ppl started playing at like 5:30ish, and then andy kept losing bc his teamate sucked, and so he had 6 beers or so in the course of an hr and then well things got interesting. lets just summarize and say andy HATES losing and so he got a little mad and then someone changed a song and so he was a tad upset and there was some threatening and then i removed andy from the situation and then spent the next 2hrs getting him calmed down, showered, and then to sleep. i'm so exhausted at this point, and i havent done much of my work for this week, so yea, off to bed i go. maybe a shower and then sleep. and then another week begins.

oh but i checked the 10 day forecast and the beginning of next week will be in the 60's! so tomorrow some snow, and then a little more snow and then hopefully the snow is over and done with.

I've been really sleepy lately, mostly bc i've been going to bed at like 4am for the last couple of nights, thats not good for trying to stay awake and doing work, but its good for having really long conversations with Andy and so yea, i have no motivation left for this semester, none. nada. i wish i had motivation but is just not there, so in the spirit of not having any motivation to do work, i'm going to Boston tomorrow and I'll be back on Sunday. Thats right I'm leaving on a Wednesday and getting back Sunday. why? bc i can. i only have one class on Thrusday and I can skip it its just a lecture, and well Andy isnt so far away from me, and he could be much farther away than he is, so theres no reason to not go and visit him. I have to be back Sunday though, bc thats when I chose my room for next yr! so much excitement, bc at the very worst, my room is going to be like 40sq.ft bigger than this one, and thats worst case. I wanna see if I can get a really nice one that has these really cool windows and is 164 sq.ft, thats basically the size of the doubles in Prospect. so woohoo! hopefully. and yea, i'm very excited about going to Boston tomorrow, i'll have to eat shrimp while i'm there bc the food here has been sucking rather hard lately.

ugh now to write 20 lines in italian. shoot me now.

todays thought is that if i could do it all over again, i would. I'd start at the very beginning and i'd do it all much better. the thought is also followed by, why the hell wont my curtains stay up? and why is Boston so far away?

i've done absolutely nothing today. well minus going to lunch and writing random emails. but none of the things i was supposed to do. like writing my angry delta letter. oh well. i'm enjoying being a bum.

I'm incredibly proud of myself. I hung two curtains on my wall, basically doing a very trading spaces type makeover to my room. I think spending last week watching those shows all the time just made it so i couldnt help myself. But I'm really proud of myself bc it looks amazing, like my room feels like my room now. I'm even more excited about next yr and what I'm going to do with that room. My wonderful Andy bought me one of those hanging hammock type chairs while he was in Mexico today, which are illegal in the dorms, but whatever, I already figured out how to make it fit into my tiny room. soooo excited. even more excited bc I told Andy to find a job in Houston for the summer and that he could live with us for the summer, and he's thinking about it, which would be great like super great, like wonderfully great. but we'll see if it actually happens. I hope so.

i have a horrible craving for oreos. its really hard to go from eating whatever u want for an entire week (well my break was really more like 2 weeks) and then go back to the dorm food system. If i actually gained 10 pounds the week i was in Tampa like the scale at Ev's grandma's house said (the scale at the house was a little funny) then I'll end up losing it by going back to dorm food. which is sad bc i'm much cuter when theres more to me (i was gonna say chunkier but that i dont think i've ever been chunky.) right now i want a burger. and some double stuffed oreos that have been in the fridge and are cold. and i wanna lay out by the pool some more. yummm oreos.......and shrimp. i think i had a dream about eating shrimp last night. plus i have no motivation to do anything. plus andys still on break and its odd not having him around to talk to. or im constantly. or leave random messages to. ::sigh:: oh well 7 more weeks, well really 8 until i can leave.

i'm finally back at Moho. I went from Tampa to Houston (after the most horrible experience with an airline I've ever had. ever. i hate delta) and then from Houston back to Moho. I was only in Houston for like 3-4 days, but like 2 of those were eaten up by flying, so i dont know somewhere between 3 and 4. The trip in to Houston was unexpected, but incredibly wonderful, I got to see my Andy for a little bit before he headed down to South Padre Island for his spring break, and I was able to be there for my mom while she had surgery. It felt really good to be there for her. I even managed to squeeze in giving the dog a bath and a miny shopping spree. Very mini actually, but it felt good and normal to just go to Target and swing by the mall and just get what I needed and not have it be like an ordeal. Its actually been a really good day today, which is odd because travel days are normally really odd for me, just because its so sad to leave home, and long flights give u too much time to think of what ur doing with ur life and where ur going and why ur leaving people that you love, but the flight in today was really good, i got a snackpack with oreos in it, and i got hit on by a guy on the flight from Baltimore to Hartford, which is odd bc i dont get hit on like it doesnt happen, i give off the not interested/dating someone/not gay vibe and so it just never happens, so it was funny when the guy handed me his email address. Funnier still bc a guy in Tampa started trying to talk to me, so I guess I'm on some kind of airport streak. or something. but yea, todays been really good, made even better by andy calling me like 10 minutes after i got in from a really good airport ride.

i got really sleepy all of a sudden, but i just wanted to mention my sudden obssession with R Kelly's Igninition Remix....i dont why though. eh i'll ponder that while i sleep.

i'm in Englewood Florida from break, and so I'm cut off from the internet, but I'm getting to live the retirement life which is wonderful to say the least. We were supposed to go to Busch Gardens today, but the weather was icky this morning so we didnt. I've basically been surrounded by old ppl the whole time i've been here, but Ev's grandparents and family are nice and feed me well so I'm happy. Yesterday we went out on the boat and that was really fun, and we layed out on the breach all day, I have a little bit of a tan which is nice. ummm and yea, having shrimp for dinner every night is wonderful. oh and Ev takes golf waaaay too seriously, she's playing with old ladies tomorrow and is all worried about it. its silly. okay dinner time, i hope y'all are enjoying the week as well.

so I was running late to econ bc I had stopped in to get my mail bc today was the day that they sent out the notices telling ppl where it was that they would be placed next yr if they were hired as SA/HP's (I'm in S.Mandelle which is a little out of the way in campus but its really pretty, plus i get a single, so really what do i care) and i passed by Gabe's office on my way to class and he was there, which was funny bc he was supposed to be in class. But he was like "i was looking for you I have something for you. I brought you some chocolate" and I was like "huh? chocolate" and then i look and he had brought me a piece of chocolate cake, and so i got all excited and then i remembered that we had an entire conversation where we talked about him putting chocolate and tofu together into a cake and how wonderful it was and i was telling him theres no way tofu could make anything taste good. So I knew this was the tofu cake, and so the excitement of "thanks!" was followed by "hey this has tofu in it doesnt it" and he tells me that I'm supposed to taste it first, and now of course i dont want to bc tofu = bad in my brain. but i was polite and had a bite and it was good. It was really good. and i was dumbfounded and spent the entire ride up to class in complete confusion while Gabe laughed at me and said "i told you it was good." It was really good. I want more. But i'm still confused bc its like tofu and chocolate cant make cake. its really delicious though.

okay back to work i go.

i find it really amusing that i've now been in this part of the country for a yr and a half and i still check the weather like everyday because my mind cant really grasp the fact that its mid march and its STILL freaking cold. I keep checking the 10 day forecast just waiting for it to be warmer, like in the 50s at least and nothing. its really depressing, i look outside its sunny i can see clouds and its freezing outside. i just want to go outside and just need a sweater, i'm not even talking about getting to go outside in a cute little dress and some flip flops. ohhhh the relative warmth of 75 degrees in Florida is calling my name. i miss the heat of summer, i miss 90 degrees when theres that cool wind that comes in. i miss that feeling, and right now it feels like this damn winter is never going to end. ohhhh florida....i'm so glad i'm leaving friday. so glad.

i just watched Amistad for economics and it was a very powerful experience watching this movie, I'd never seen it before and it was just such an amazing movie. I think what got me the most from it was the violence depicted within the movie, i couldnt watch most of it bc i get really squemish about blood and people being whipped to death, but it just made me really think about the slave experience in America, particularly the feelings of freed slaves who were living among slaves. It was just a very powerful movie. At the end of the movie, there was a conversation where Cinque says to John Quincy Adams that he's going to summon his ancestors all the way from the beginning of time ih other to help them at this last trial before the supreme court, bc they have to help him bc in that momment he is the entire reason for their existance. and that really got to me, that idea of being connected to ur ancestors and being a living legacy to them, it makes me wish i knew further beyond my grandparents, and even saying that i know them is a little shaky, but just knowing what that story is, what their story was....I wish i knew.

so i had yara buy me 4 cans of tuna, bc i figured that would keep me alive until the end of the semester. Turns out that the cans arent the ones with the little flip tops that u can open w/out a can opener, they're just normal cans. so yara, being a sweetie, lets me borrow her can opener so that i can open my tuna cans when i get hungry. so of course tonight, studying italian i get hungry and want to open some tuna and have some tuna and ritz crackers bc well i'm starving. but this isnt like an eletric can opener or even one of those with the handels its just like some metal, a bottle opener thing, and a little turnie thing and thats it. so of course i have no idea how to use it. and i felt really pathetic considering what i am capable of doing, and that i did go to an engineering high school for 4 freaking yrs and i cant work this can opener. and i tried for like a good 30 minutes. i even goggled it and nothing. so finally yara came home and showed me how to do it. but now my tummy hurts and i wish i had never decided to eat tuna and ritz....

i've been thinking about Aaron (Spurling) alot lately. Mostly bc I have no idea where he is, or what he's doing, and I'm afraid that he actually signed up with the Marines, in which case he's been deployed by now. which is frightening to think about. i just really wonder where he is. so if any of y'all know where he is, just pass that info on to me. thanks.

also my brother came and fixed my internet explorer and got me this cool thing called Crazy Brower which is just too much fun to play with and makes me happy. i should do work though, and stop playing with my computer like i've been doing all day...oh well. to work i go. i hate being on duty, bc normally i dont mind just having to do work, i only mind it when i'm stuck here doing work. trapped. eh oh well, this is the last time this semester that i have to do it. so yay!

trying something out.

i'm in a surprisingly good mood today. well to begin with i got over my damn flu/cold whatever the hell that was. man that was awful. i went to the health center and told them about the sneezing and about my back and she gave me these cool disposable termometers and some allegra pills, bc she basically thought i was allergic to something. but i dont have any allergies so i dont know. but the drugs had nasal decongestant in them and so now i'm feeling tons better. so i think thats the beginning of my great mood today. its like waking up out of an awful nightmare or something.

umm but yea, today has been good. i showered and cleaned my room and organized things, and feel like i'm getting things done. not like school things, which i should be doing since i have 2 midterms this week, but like other things. like i talked to andy and we had a good conversation, like things arent perfect yet but they feel really good. He's gone away on a retreat this weekend, which sucks, but it'll give me like a day to just study. and my brother is coming tomorrow to help me figure out why my internet explorer keeps crashing on me, so thats really exciting, bc well he's family and you should always be happy when family comes to visit. oh and i'm going to Florida next friday!!!! this time next week i'll be retired and fishing. woohoo! and its warm there! i feel so good. what else...ohh i had a really good and long conversation with jose (serpas) and that was really nice, bc i hadnt talked to him in a while and that was nice. so giddy so excited and happy that i'm not sick and dont look like a battered woman anymore! yay!

yea yea i'm stubborn. yea i hurt my back like a month ago and its still trying to kill me. yea i just went to classes today with a goddamn fever, but i'm going to the health center tomorrow finally. mostly bc my mommy told me to go, and i figured if she was telling me to go then i should. (u can stop worrying now andy.) oh and for future reference, non-drowsy Dayquill still knocks u out. or at least it knocks me out.

thats all. i have a goddamn inservice tonight. but at least i'm drugged uo enough to not really care.

i think i have a fever, which cant be good.

i've just had really interesting luck since i've gotten back. to begin with when me and Andy walked around Boston in the rain I got all my stuff wet, I thought no big deal its just stuff and it can get that wet. Yea, turns out everything got soaked, including my checkbook and most importantly my ti-89. when i tried to turn it on this morning, it just wouldnt turn on, and i basically just flipped out. it was just way too much for it begin so early in the morning. That calculator just means a ton to me, not to mention thats its really expensive. so i got back from stats, and i picked up my mail and of course in the mail was the nifty usb cable that i had ordered the week before from TI, just to rub it in. so i went up to my rm and talked to andy and quietly mourned my calculator and he was really sweet about it and offered to email some MIT list to try to find me another one at a cheaper price. i tried putting another pair of batteries in it, but no to no avail, so i pretty much figured that i was screwed and was going to have to send my baby back to texas to have it fixed. but i decided to try one more time just changing the batteries and sweet talking it, so i walked over to the ghetto and overpriced camous store on the opposite end of campus and got new batteries and they worked! that was probably the highlight of my day, although econ wasnt that bad bc Gabe is just silly and has a really random train of thought. We're supposed to make "contracts" for the 4 projects we're gonna do this semester, like 4 essays or 1 big essay, or a short documentary film, or a webpage, or debates, or basically whatever else we wanna do. i dont know what i wanna do, but i'm gonna pick something that i would like to do anyways so that i dont end up not doing it. umm yea, and my back still hurts. i think my body is rebelling.

i screwed up my back just now. that wasnt smart. i slipped on some water in the bathroom and like pulled things in my back that dont like to be pulled. oh well thats what codine is for. now if only i had codine....
anyways i was in Boston this weekend. I was supposed to see Brent, but that didnt pan out with like the rain and his practice schedule, and my laziness. but i was really close to visiting him, so its like i did. or not. either one.
lets see what else, i have a 5 page paper due tomorrow by 5pm that i have not started on. plus a one page proposal. and i have to finish this thing for the CDC thats also due tomorrow, and i have italian stuff that needs to be finished. although if i just skip italian i dont have to do it. damn my back hurts.
lets do some highlights of the weekend:
* i saw andy
* i ate McDonalds
* i saw andy
* i walked around boston on saturday
* i ate lunch to the sounds of people having sex. (the guys decided to watch porn on the bigscreen)
* i watched the guys throw giant exercise balls at one another
* i watched them play basketball and be ridiculous
* i learned that men play volleyball professionally.
* i had Anna's taqueria twice in one weekend
* i did all my readings for econ (well minus 2 chapters) and my readings for women's studies
* i talked to andy's middle brother
* i watched an awful game of beerdie
* i woke up to the sound of andy's neighboors having sex
* walked down newbury street in the rain with andy and saw pretty parts of Boston I'd never seen before
* i had the pleasure of waiting an hr for my ride in the rain.

all in all a low key but good weekend. i probably wont be in boston again until after spring break, so 4 weeks or so from now when its warm (hopefully) i'll be there again.

andy came to visit and things are better. i dont know why we fight, its really silly and pointless, we're both way too attached to ever break up. but things will be different now, but in a better way. i will make this a much more positive experience, yea i hate this weather it depresses me. yea it sucks to be in the middle of nowhere massachusets, yea i havent seen the sun in days, yea i dont really like women, but my room is happy, and i've made good friends. and its not like god hates me and i was born in this godforsaken place, so its not like this is permanent. its not. i'll keep myself busy and see Andy as much as possible and do my best. i wasnt made to live in this kind of weather but i'll make the best of it.

this is my own personal pep talk. things will get better, it cant be cold and dreary forever.

i'm bored.

not in the "i cant figuare out what to do today" kind of day where really u just need something to jump start your day, but i'm bored in a much deeper sense. like i'm stuck, i'm trapped, i'm sufficating, i stopped living and i'm just observing my life. i'm tired of the four walls in my single. theres no one to enjoy them with. i'm tired of this place. i'm tired of being surrounded by women, i dont know how i ended up here. i'm tired with this semester, with my 4 classes that arent that hard and aren't challenging me. i'm tired of south hadley and of the fucking snow. i feel trapped here. there's nothing to do here that i havent already done.

i've just spent the day really thinking about it and i dont know why i'm here. yea, its a great school. yea i wanted to get the hell out of Texas. but i miss my mom. i miss good food. i miss actually being excited about dinner. i miss being excited.

i'm just bored. bored with my life and with this place.

I want a really good bacon burger. maybe i'm just hungry. or maybe i just realized that somehow i ended up a girl's boarding school. maybe i will graduate next year. i dont think i can take this place for another 2 yrs.

next time around i'll do things better. i'll be nicer to my parents, save some money, buy a mac in the first place, and date a man who doesnt have to have his arm twisted to come see me. and i wont live in south hadley. next time around i'll do this better...i will.

Here are some interesting opinions on the war on Iraq. The rest can be found here.

Spike Lee is the director most recently of 25th Hour.
Not in favor of war on Iraq. Bush is hoodwinking and bamboozling the American public.

Ben Karlin is co-executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.
Do I favor a U.S. invasion of Iraq? I am only in favor of war with Iraq if the entire affair takes place between the morning of February 21st and the evening of Sunday March 2nd. This is because The Daily Show will be on hiatus during this period, and, historically, massive loss of life has proven not conducive to producing a comedy news program. I would remind the president as he and his generals go about their plan that in a war, the first casualty is the ease of my job.

Eli Attie is the former chief speechwriter to Vice President Al Gore and a co-producer of The West Wing.
We can all agree that Saddam Hussein's a bad guy. But last time I checked the U.N. charter, invasion of sovereign nations wasn't a popularity contest. There's a dangerous precedent here, and an even more dangerous distraction: Osama Bin Laden's still at large. The Taliban's back in Afghanistan. North Korea's openly threatening total war. Is Iraq really the biggest threat we face? Is it really worth enraging our allies, committing billions of dollars and thousands of lives? Saddam's villainy isn't enough. If there's a broader case to be made, this administration has yet to make it.

this weekend was really interesting and good. for one because of the damn snow it started when i left for boston on thrusday and didnt end until today when i went to class. It was nice to get 2 days off because of the snow. umm lets do a run down of the weekend:
* I got to see Andy
* I saw the Vagina Monologues on Friday at UMass Boston, w/Andy and it was a great show. I wish i could have seen it at Moho but oh well
* All my good friends showed up on Saturday and we went to the mall.
* I bought the best stuff from Kiehl's, that made me super happy
* Watched Anna get made over by the MAC ppl
* Got dressed
* Got beautiful flowers and card from Andy
* Began the pre-drinking
* Took an insane amount of pictures with friends
* Got to the dinner table and between 5 ppl killed a large bottle of white wine
* The salad came out and we began drinking bad red wine out of a box
* This guy started singing a Boys to Men song and it was both amusing and awkward and I distinctly remember chugging 2 things of wine thru it, and i remember looking at my glass....
and then after that it gets really fuzzy. I remember people screaming at me, someone picking me up, people restraining me, wanting to get out of my icky dress, and really nothing. I dont remember much, just the damn spinning that at first was fun but then made me want to cry/kill myself to make it stop. I came to around 3ish and the left side of my head really hurt, it seems that i banged my head against the toilet. It still hurts. I took a shower around 4ish, and went to bed around 5ish. I woke up at 9:42am and the spinning had calmed down to a gentle rocking which i could live with. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the damage that I had done the day before and apologizing. No one really knows how much I had to drink, I think there were many places where it all went wrong though. Like how I started drinking before everyone else did. Before I even got to the table I was at 3 drinks. Then the white wine began and there was something about a team when the red wine came out, and it was at that point that I realized it was highly unlikely that i would be able to hold a liter of wine in my body. I dont think I'll be doing that again any time soon, or ever again, either one. It really sucks to wake up the next day having pissed off one of ur great friends, and not being able to remember what exactly u did.
Sunday night I had a yummy Thai dinner and got my present from Andy which was perfect. I left the next morning at 8am right when it was starting to snow. It didnt stop snowing until Tuesday, so everything that i had was canceled. I was really upset because I could have stayed in Boston an extra day. Its now Wednesday and I'm starting to get sick, but its just a cold so I should survive.

-how am i doing?
-Amazingly thanks for asking.

today is a great day. i get to see andy, which is always a treat, but more importantly today is the day that my mother got her test back and learned that its over. No more cancer, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctors, and no more test.
today is a beautiful day.

i'm really tired. I really should have done my work last weekend, but I didnt really think it was that much, but now it feels like a lot. I just had too much fun being really silly with my friends. the work will get done though, and if it doesnt its not going to kill me.
i took my very first stats quiz this morning at 9am. Its been 2 yrs since i've even looked at math, so i feel pretty good about it. Big lectures kinda freak me out, and when it feels like everyone is finishing before me it just starts to mess with my mind. This semester is really interesting, its like a class with 7 people and one with about 50, which is a lot for this school. I'm much more comfortable in the one with 7. But i dont think i'll ever ask a question in my lecture class, mostly because i feel its a waste of everyone elses time. Like today there was this girl who gives off a very strong home-schooled vibe and everyone was just looking at her like "what the hell are you talking about?" i vaguely felt bad for her. and then i just wanted her to stop talking about the damn graph because she was eating up my class time. ok enough rambling, back to work i go.

I had an odd night last night. I've had an odd week. I've had an odd life. I had a really intense conversation with andy last night, probably everywhere in the spectrum of human emotion was reached in the span of about 4-5hrs....love, fear, anger, frustration, joy, sadness, regret, jealousy...it was all there. We have very intense conversations sometimes, we both have really bad tempers, quick to get angry, quick to apologize. Very proud stubborn people. Somedays you wonder if its going to work. Others you realize that it already has. I realized last night how badly it is that i want it to work between us, how i see it all fitting into place and just working but not just functioning but triving between two people who could really destroy one another. It wouldnt even take that much to be crumpled into a thousand little pieces. It makes you really afraid when u realized how easily you could be destroyed.
We talked about so much last night, and we touched on the subject of my parents and its always so hard trying to explain what I feel for them. How those feelings evolved, how I wish things were different. How I wish things had been different. How much I love them now, and how much I hated them then. How those two feelings can coexist in a person. Everyone has difficult times with their parents though, at some point or another even if its just for a fleeting moment. That bond between parent and child, that relationship is so different than anything else in our lives. I just keep thinking of what it took for me to change my feelings, what it took for me to see my parents in a different way. What it took to forgive and move on. Life is funny that way.

i spent $260 on books today. That just puts a damper on any day. Thats really going to hurt when the bill comes. Me and crazy anna were supposed to go to the mall today, but the van was cancelled. So anna doesnt have a dress for the formal next week yet, but thats ok. I've had a pretty good day today. We dyed my hair this morning, it at first looked awful like i had just bleached my hair and it was going to break off, but then i dried it and it looks really nice now, like i had just spent some time in the sun. or something. and then we spent a good hour or so just laughing about boys and how silly they are and how we justify them to other ppl. It was a really good conversation.

Oh yea, when i saw the snow this morning i was just pissed. I just sat there and cursed at the snow for a while and then went into anna's rm to bitch about it. I really have nothing to say today, my life is a little pathetic today, but my hair looks really good, so its ok.

You are red. You are impure, but noble. You are precious and true to yourself and others. When you love, you love entirely, and will do anything to make your love happy. You are sure of your identity, therefore, you cannot change others or be changed. You are a true prince, you may be forgotten, but without you, none of us could go on.

What inner color are you?

i was in boston all last week and it was amazing. i skipped the first two days of class. at this point i have one class that i'm taking for sure on my schedule, one that i might take, and one that there is no way in hell that i am taking (a gym that meets at 8:30am, what was i thinking?) Getting to see andy everyday was amazing and reassuring. when u date someone long distance theres always that feeling that maybe y'all dont really get along bc u dont see each other regularly, and that maybe he secretly hates you. but getting to just do nothing for a week was just what i needed and then some. i wasnt so happy to be back when i got here and now i feel better, and much more certain of what i want to do with my life this semester. i'm tired of just studying economics. so i wont be taking 2 econ classes at umass bc having an entire day of economics from 9am to 4pm just disgusted me.

ummm i messed up my back while i was at andy's though. like fucked it up. like when i sit for too long i cant walk. i basically fell off his loft bed and landed in some crates. there is now a highly attractive bruise on my thigh from the impact of my body against the crates. the best part is its a straight line and has little dimples or something from the pattern of the crates. if i had a digital camera i would take a picture. the funny thing is i dont believe in chiropractors, i just think their a bunch of phonies, so i dont know what i'll do if it doesnt get better soon.

i also moved my room around. it feels so much better, i have like a reading space now with my new chair which is highly exciting. oh and i went to the gym today which is amazing bc i'm not a gym girl. and i went to north hampton on friday with crazy anna and got andy a wonderful valentine's day card. i'm feeling really into valentines day lately. i just really like how cheesy a holiday it really is.

i'm back at school. My room is a mess, but thats really to be expected. I just want to get organized and fix things in my brain so that i'm happier to be here than i currently am. This weather is ridiculous. I wasnt meant to live my life in the cold, i was meant to live it in tiny miniskirts and 70degree weather. I'm gonna change some stuff on the site. A lot of stuff, actually. Put some titles up, have a better way to search thru the history, things like that. Take that silly banner down. Change the colors. I'm feeling very pink right now. I"m very much looking foward to valentine's day and to wearing my gorgeous heels. I love shoes.

I miss my mom. This semester is going to be hard if I dont get my head straight. I'd so much rather be in my mom's appartment, laying on her bed and looking up at the canopy we put up and feeling like a princess...going to the fridge to get some yogurt and watching spanish telenovelas until i was just furious with Migelangelo and how he could ever leave Soledad for that bitch, and then on top of that believe that she would kill her like that. The idiot. I need to be on top of my game this semester. Be a better SA, have some sort of vague social life. Not miss my parents. I miss my boy though. I miss him a bunch. I have no breaks besisdes spring break this semester, so its going to be rough getting time to see him. I need a car. Or better put I want a car for my mental health at this school. I'm excited of seeing Ms.Williams this weekend. She's such an amazing girl I cant wait to see her. Thats a sure fire way to make me feel better.

But yea. I need to figuare out how to enjoy winter, bc I cant control the weather so I'm going to have to make the best of it. Theres so much I want to do. Like finding the perfect white bikini and becoming a beach bum during spring break. I want to see my brother more, he's such a funny little man and there's so much i dont know about him. Thats something I learned this break, I just started asking a bunch of questions and learned a few really cool things, like my great grandfather was german (my mother's father's father.) So really I'm german. Who knew? and all along i was making fun of the germans. okay on to cleaning and getting some order back in my life.

i've done some major shopping this break. i am the amazing shopping godess, its my gift, really it is. i bought these amazing shoes that are perfect. they're reddish, high deadly heel, no bows no rinestones just beautiful shoes. i get so giddy and happy when i'm buying shoes. i think the only person who loves shoes more than me is my mom. hapiness is buying shoes. going shopping is happiness. sure theres the guilt of knowing where things were made, but its still happiness. like busting open a box of chocolates and eating all of them like a crazed toddler...i love chocolates.

i go back to the cold in 3 days. i cant say i'm looking foward to it. i cant even say i want to go back to school. i've never had this much fun just hanging out with my mom. but i come back with a chair, and clothes, and happy skin, and minus the wisdom teeth. ohhh and shoes that are perfection. its funny how the time just flew, and how i dont remember what i did at all this break. but i feel better. i'm dreading going back and having the happiness for life being sucked from me...silly school. i'm seriously happy now. i just feel content, like in my own skin i'm happy. ::sigh:: i'm not looking foward to next semester. although i'm looking foward to seeing jes, and yarita, and ev, and hearing all about my crazy annita and how she got malaria and survived in India...and andy i'm looking foward to seeing my andy, and brent its so odd being home without the threat of brent just showing up. other exciting things for this year are the new matrix movies, the hulk, and jim carrey having the powers of god. plus i have Y tu mamma tambien on my computer which is really cool.

my mom gets a biopsy done the day that i leave. i dont want to leave. i want to stay and laugh at my mom as she bitches about the doctors and how angry she is at the whole thing. i just find it hillarious that my mother is not sick, and they keep telling her she is and so she just gets angrier. my mother is amazing. and if she has to go thru treatment another yr i dont know how i'm going to take it. i hate cancer. i hate it.

yea so i've been a hermit lately. eh thats me. i go home and i like to watch tv and sleep and take baths and think about nothing. i dont see people i dont go out. i eat ice cream and wear sweats. its like a detox. althought this break i've been more of a hermit than normal because i had my wisdom teeth removed. yea i was completly out of it for like a good 2 days. like drugged up on painkillers, and like coughing up blood. not fun. and then when i was awake all i could eat was ice cream, jello, and yogurt. and thats not really food. u cant live off snacks. so last night i had real food, which was great cause i was having like dreams about pizza and burgers. but yea, i'm better i still have stiches in my mouth but at least the pain has died down. which is good. so yea. i go back north in a week, and i dont really wanna leave. i like it here. i like it there too. i wish i could have both.