re*gret

n.
1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

Regret is the dirtiest of all words to me. Its what I avoid most in life. It is, many times, my main motivation in deciding whether or not I'll do something. The question is always "will I regret it if I don't?" not "will I regret it if I do?" because quite frankly if I know that I would have regretted not doing it then it negates whether or not after the fact I regret having done it. Its not even a conversation in my head really. Well its a short conversation that goes like this:

"Damn I shouldn't have done that"
"But if I hadn't I would have regretted not doing it"
"eh well then it was worth it"

And that's that. Because I'm a big girl and even though I'm notoriously flaky when I make a decision I made it. And so what if future Jessica thinks that was a bad decision the Jessica that made that decision thought it was a good idea. And so what if I'm drunk or high on pheromones or what have you I made a decision and I always think its so stupid to qualify things after the fact. I always feel like I have to own up to whatever I've done and not just shrug it off and say "well I was drunk." In reality it should go more like "yes I was drunk, but I also decided it was a good idea at the time and I have to live with that."

And live with it I do. For the most part though it works out. It means that I take chances, even knowing full well that a huge possibility exist that things aren't going to work out. Moving to Erie? Not the greatest idea. But I'm so glad I took a leap of faith. And okay so I crashed and burned and killed some innocents along the way, eventually it wont hurt so bad. All wounds heal. Eventually at some point.

Its better than wishing that I had just kissed that boy and called him back and moved in with him but not having done it because he might laugh in my face or betray me or not marry me. Haha. Its too soon to joke about that one. Eventually though it wont be.

Eventually.

And now links:

* Today at work I started at asp code all day. After 6 hours of it I feel like this.

* Do you want to head butt like Zidane? Well now you can.

* And why Zidane proved that soccer is not the sport of suburban soccer moms.

* funny ad.

* I love jews. A little more than a should probably. So this list is totally going up on my fridge, as soon as I move out in like a week.

* I got this from Brent. Whos blogging more now because he can. Best part of the interview though:

HR: I get "Ya know I'm really depressed and I'll never meet a girl like that again and I'm twenty-one." Son, you're twenty-one. It is a big world out there and you are going to have a really good time. You are gonna meet lots of women, and humans are complex tricky creatures. If only we were dogs then shit would work out better but humans are very complex. There are a lot of reasons that things don't work so you don't have to call the girl a bitch because everything a person does is coming from a real reason. She cheated on you? Well, she wasn't getting what she needed from you. She is getting something she needed from this other fellow, or woman or whatever that she left you for, so you gotta move on. But don't kill yourself. Don't drink yourself into a stupor. Don't drive to the guy's house. None of that stuff is appropriate behavior. And believe it or not, you're gonna be fine.