i'm reading my old post and all that I can really think is, "man i'm glad that I dont live with Kim." i now have issues with midgets/trolls, like i see ppl that are just abnormally short and the only noun that my mind can attach to that is "dirty troll"

i felt like a really big loser for not going out this weekend but thats okay, because next weekend I'll go out (yea vegas night!) and have fun the entire time and not do a bit of work. which will be great fun for me. hopefully i'll get to act at least a little un-SAish for some duration of it and Brent will actually show up and bring some friends like he said that he would and the weekend will be even less productive and more fun. oh yea, and i hope this cough goes away so that I dont look like a dirty prostitute (u know like the dirty crack whore who has that cough and is wearing the sleazy dress), well i hope the cough goes away so that in the event that i do go hoed out i wont look like a dirty whore.

i live in a pretty good sized dorm, and everytime that i go downstairs there are flowers down there....and i always check to see who they are for bc maybe maybe they'll be for me....but they never are...it makes me sad....but one day i will get flowers and that will be the happiest day ever....

yea the weather here sucks its all rainy and cold...i'd forgotten about the crappy weather. Its days like this that i wish i had kept my cute little butt in nice warm texas...

oh yea, i have some random girl on my floor who is brushing her teeth topless...i have no idea why anyone would think thats okay the bathroom is coed...i'm taking suggestions on the funniest thing that i can write on the flyers i'm gonna put up to remind ppl that brushing ur teeth topless is not okay.

the world is changing, and its a good thing that i feel that i'm changing too...this whole thing about going to war with iraq it seems normally to be like the charlie brown talk u know? the waawaawa wawaawawa...no real words...but the more i read about the idiot w. bush and his flimsy reasons for going to war the more i think this man has no clue what he is doing....and the scary part is that since i'm not a citizen (or male) i wouldnt be drafted...but all of my friends would be...and so would my andy...and the idea of that I cant really focus on...just the thought of what would i be willing to lose those ppl in my life for...just thinking 'would i trade brent for knowing that a crazy madman isnt in power anymore?" i doubt it...i wouldnt trade any of y'all for that...i dont feel theres a reason for us to go to war...and it makes me sad bc i feel like i've spent my whole life in a comma and i'm just barely starting to wake up...

read up on this stuff...its good for you.

so last night i got a phone call from the one and only ms. jessica williams who is sadly in alabama and not back at mount holyoke. but i was so out of it with like sinuses that i didnt recognize who it was that was calling...bc i answered the phone and was like "hello" and she said "hi jes this is jess" and my mind didnt comprehend what i just heard. but then i figuared it out and all was good. we talked a for a while and that made me happy and then anna and her talked and i decided that i was not going to be sick, so i took some nyquil. the gelcaps come in little packs of 2 so i thought "well i guess i'll take 2, wouldnt hurt" ...by the time anna finished talking to jes, my mind was spinning and i thought for sure that i could not stay awake any longer. so like a little crack baby i laid down and trying to talk to her with my eyes shut...which was fun....then i think anna left but i wasnt really sure and so i kept taking to her but she wasnt there....and someone knocked on my door and i thought it was anna, but it was one of my first yrs and i was very confused....then i think we had a conversation where i told her i was on crack/nyquil and then i think i slept....next thing i know the phone is ringing and its my HP telling me its mountain day...so i dont have italian today (which is great bc i had lab and class today, and didnt feel up to doing either), but i still have to go to umass, which is where i spend the greater portion of my day anyways....oh right and then i went to anna's rm sometime after that and then i hear this loud annoying fire drill thing and first words out of my mind are "fuck them"...so we all troll out outside, i'm wearing like a tank top and some pj bottoms and i look basically like a crack whore...and the best part of the whole thing is that when all the sa's get outside we're like "umm did u plan this? no i didnt plan this? do u know who's idea this was? no no clue...?maybe theres actually a fire....no i dont think it looks like its burning" yea....i'm so confused today its not even funny.

umm yea...its a bad sign when u wake up and its wednesday and u feel hungover like it was sunday.....damn that nyquil.

everytime that i go to amherst to some party i just view it as a social experiment. i spent the entire night looking at these ppl and thinking "eventually these ppl pair up and mate and produce other children that will go to amherst and be even more ackward" the whole thing just felt off. i wore my really loud pants and decided that they are much too loud for anything except being loud. this party was like packed but except for the drunk ppl no one seemed to be having fun. some ackward guys were doing bad dancing and being stupid (running around and attacking one another) it really just felt like i was in a beer commercial and if only i was like everyone else and had a MIller light i've also be having a much better time. but i didnt, so the whole night felt like i was uncovering the missing link.

but i did finally get to go out with miss anna and that in itself was worth it, bc the best part of the night is the process of getting ready to go out.

this amazing amazing woman came and spoke at my women's studies class, and like this woman was like 70 and by the time she finished talking i wished that i could be as active now as she is in her 70's...its always great when someone talks to u and it challenges the way that u view the world. my mind was being fucked the entire time she talked and i just got goosebumbs from this woman...theres so much going on in this world that isnt right...and we as a society are just so brainwashed to believe that we need levi jeans and suv's when we really dont...its really frighening to think that when u say "oh i need a new pair of jeans" its bc u've been programmed to believe that what u need is the brand new acidwashed jeans with a bootleg cut...theres just so much going on beyond just ourselves, but we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget about other ppl....

i met the nicest umass boy on the bus today...and it just made my day, bc going to a women's college u begin to really miss being friends with guys, bc their world is so much simpler than urs, and its just calming to not have to deal with how complexity of women's relationships...but yea, i had a really great conversation with him, he's here from seatle on an exchange and he doesnt really know if he likes it or not and he didnt know anything about Mount Holyoke or that it was a women's school or that they give us milk and cookies or anything like that, and he was really surprised just how different mount holyoke is from the concrete slab that is UMass....but yea, he was really nice, and i didnt even get his name or anything but it was just nice to talk to a boy.

ahh so i went and visited my advisor today (bc i love that man and he's always the highlight of my day) and i mentioned to him that i play rugby now, and he was very surprised and just asked me to please protect my brain...and it made me feel all special bc he thinks really highly of me and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

ok, enough of that.

oh i'm trying to figuare out if i should take italian pass/fail (and make my life a hell of a lot easier) or to take it with a grade and go to italy...see the only problem is that i'm no longer sure that i want to go to italy....i might wanna go someplace warmer and nicer....or more londony at a certain school of economics....i dont know what to do....eh, i'll figuare it out.

See what drug you are.

ahhh thats great.

we did tackling today in rugby, which was fun bc i've never really done anything like that before, and i got pretty good at it. i managed to get this girl like at least twice my size (which isnt saying much) down and i didnt break my neck doing it. now i just have to practice the falling so that i stop landing on my wrist all funny.

oh and my entire body is not happy with me right now....not good.

its a bad sign when its 8:50 in the morning and its already been "one of those days." i got into the shower and midway thru (before the rinse part of my shampooing) the water turns cold, like ice cubes were falling out....to make things even better i left my Nalgene bottle by my bed and of course i knocked it over onto my bed AND i left my face wash stuff in the 5th floor shower of andy's house...which is in boston.....sucks.....oh wait it gets better, i need to do laundry but i dont have any money on my damn one card bc i spent all of my money this weekend....no good.

I'm almost thinking of just taking it as a sign from god and just stay in bed all day....alas i cant....

there is a giant spider that lives outside my window and i just watched it devour a pretty good sized winged insect, now from what i saw i think the spider just like jumped on it and like stuck its poison on me...i'm waiting for the day when i look outside my window and see this bold spider eating like a saw bird or something (this spider is HUGE)....so now i'm very scared of the spider that lives outside my window....

i passed by the registrar's office to add on the Maz part of my last name to all of my school stuff. I had stopped in there yesterday just to ask if there was a form or something that i needed to fill out to accomplish that, and they told me to bring like a social security card or a passaport so that they can verify that i'm not just making up a new last name. So i walked in and asked the lady about it and she was just like "yea, u just write it on top of ur registration card" and i was like "umm u mean just right it in pen on top of it?" and she's like "yea." since that just screamed sketch to me i mentioned to the lady that yesterday they told me to bring my passaport, for verification, and she's like "yea that sounds good" so I handed the lady my passaport and told her that I didnt want a hyphen between the names and i wrote it on my card and walked out. The whole thing took like 5 minutes. So now all of my stuff should have Abad Maz on it.
and all is well in the world again.

i woke up today and actually ran today at like 7:30 in the morning. i ran/jogged/walked around one of our lakes and it was just really nice. it was a great way to start the day...now i'm not going to do the whole mile run thing every day, but every other day seems fine and like something completly managable....umm i also went to umass and had this amazing Marxian Economics class that i know is just going to be wonderful. the prof who teaches it wasnt there bc he threw out his back so his son taught the course, but its just so funny to go into that class bc i feel like i already know these profs....like its the equivalent of meeting a celebrity for me, bc its this person whose books i've read and who i've heard stories about and its just really exciting. yea, i'm a dork, so what.

umm i also attended the rugby meeting today and decided that i really should have just played rugby last yr and not lisened to everyone else who wanted to talk me out of it (basically everyone i know)...but its ok bc i'll play this year and it'll be good.

sometimes its not so much fun to date someone who goes to a smart school, bc when u want attention theres no time for u bc they have class stuff to do....sad.

if you knew how long you had to live, would that change the way you lived your life? would that change your priorities? would that lower the boundaries that you have put up to protect yourself? would you become more truthful?....what would happen if you knew that you had 50 more years in you? would you think that you had all the time in the world?...what exactly happens the moment that you decide to live each day as your last? what happens when you start performing to your full potential?

so its the second night on duty and i got my ass kicked by evelyn...which was interesting to say the least...and then i was doing my last room and i go to the ground floor and i hear indian music...and i'm like "what the hell?" and so i go check and its like a bunch of indian girls dancing...i turned around and went back upstairs being waaay too tired to actually question anything.

right so i'm on duty now. which sucks ass. all i want to do is go to sleep in my compfy little bed but i'm in room by the phone basically hoping i stay bored all night. if i had any energy i guess i would be productive...but theres always tomorrow for that...so yea, i walked thru the building and was just like "this place is so freaking quiet"...which is great until i got to one of the floors and I heard noise like coming from the stairway and i just went to look at it and there was that moment where i was just like "i hope no one is smoking or doing anything bc i would hate to have to tell them something" and that moment is followed by the "do i really wanna take a closer look?"...but i looked and a girl from one of my classes was there and i felt stupid but better for looking....but yea....being on duty sucks.

i woke up today and I was soo stressed but now its like the best day of my life...and its times like these that calm me down and let me know things will be alright. Satya, my wonderful advisor, is basically getting me into a class that is overbooked at UMASS, which is amazing....and my religion professor is giving me an A in his class for putting me thru the trauma of seeing an 'F' on my report card, and to make things even better my bro left me a comment and so now things are all better and I can breathe again. I will get to write a thesis, and I will finish my econ stuff this year, and I will go abroad and have a beautiful gpa....I love my school. yay!

yea being an SA is actually pretty nice. I dont think i realized how much i would enjoy having a single....but all of my first years are really sweet, they're are some beautiful women on my floor and its one of those things that i just notice. but its really interesting looking at these ppl/women and wondering if they have any idea just how beautiful they really are. but i love meeting ppl like that, like u just meet them and u just know how beautiful they are on the inside and on top of that they're gorgeous on the outside. but its funny with the firsties like they're just so scared, and i'm trying to make them really comfortable, and just let them know things will be okay....umm right so i ran into kim over in another hall and that was all sorts of awkward but it was good, because well i looked really cute and her weird ass family was there, and i did the whole head nod thing but that was it.

okay i started this post a really long time ago...so i'm pretty stressed. i just feel like theres all of this responsibility over me and that theres so much that i want to accomplish this yr and that i dont have much time really...and it all makes me wonder when i'll have time to just enjoy myself....i think its just a bunch of little things that i start worrying about and then i just feel really overwhelmed and helpless....but i know that i'll figuare out how to make it work...its just the paranoid part of my head that doesnt know what to do....