Today was really a marvelous day. It was sunny and I got to wear one of my new sundresses both of which are plusses. I also woke up early, watched tv, and then went off to the picnic on the green, which was lovely. then i went to northhampton and ate yummy cheesecake and had a wonderful conversation with my umass prof. I'm in complete awe of this woman and what she's managed to do in her life. She's just so inspiring, and gives me hope that I can figure out how to live life in my own way and still be happy. After that I went and got yummy indian food again, and this time I tried the garlic chicken and shrimp and even though I was scared when it came out because it looked like baby barf, it was actually delicious, and the nice owner lisened to me and made it very mild like I asked him to. Which was great.
Then Jess and I stopped at this ice cream stand about bought soft serve ice cream for 2 bucks (i got chocolate and vanilla with a chocolate shell) and then we went to an acapella 80's jam, which was *amazing* even though it was super packed, it was really stuffy and hot, and the fire alarm kept going off in the middle of songs. They sang "cowboy take me away" by the dixie chicks and i almost cried it was so amazing. Then they followed it by Lonestars' walking in memphis and pretty much lost all emotional control at that point. I just had a moment in the middle of the song where i just knew that i had made the right decision coming to moho, and that this was the right place and right time for me. which is such a nice thing to realize. But I also learned a valuable lesson: all boys from WPI are just weird. One of their accapella groups came to perform and at first they were kinda lame, like too much old-school barber shop type of stuff but they ended with "Hit me baby one more time" and it hurt I was laughing so much. It was classic.
So yea it was a great, beautiful day, indeed. (oh and lasu your comment on my link made me smile.)
Here's a quiz for y'all to enjoy:
JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
What does your birth month say about you?
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abril 30, 2004
abril 29, 2004
*spring*
I love spring! I love it, and I think I love it even more because it feels earned, like I've survived winter and have earned the right to wear my spring girlie dresses. I find it really amusing that I used to be such a tomboy, although I guess I still am in some ways. Like I'm really aggressive and I know that if it came down to it I could kick some ass. Which I find amusing. Another fun thing about spring is that I can completly rejoice in my lack of allergies, since I'm not allergic to life like some of my friends are. For some odd reason I take joy in this. eh.
So this weekend is the beginning of the final stretch. When I start to pull all of my brain power together and try to be as witty as I can possibly get to impress my profs. I have some very interesting assignments this time around, so we'll see how they turn out. I've also been meeting with alot of my profs to get a better feel for what they want for me out of this final stretch because I've found that knowing what someone wants from you upfront is the easiest way to just do what they want and for you to get a happy grade. Plus I'm going out for indian food which is exciting.
the perils of walking
Houston's number 5
So this weekend is the beginning of the final stretch. When I start to pull all of my brain power together and try to be as witty as I can possibly get to impress my profs. I have some very interesting assignments this time around, so we'll see how they turn out. I've also been meeting with alot of my profs to get a better feel for what they want for me out of this final stretch because I've found that knowing what someone wants from you upfront is the easiest way to just do what they want and for you to get a happy grade. Plus I'm going out for indian food which is exciting.
the perils of walking
Houston's number 5
abril 27, 2004
pancakes!
I saw this and it made me giggle, which is always good:
things are strangely looking up for me, or my attitude is changing. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I just got out of my umass class, and since jess is such a rocking person we went to get pizza first and i didnt have to ride the bus there *and* then she picked me up from class. so that was great because i didnt have to ride the bus, which is marvelous. plus we go to have a really amazing conversation about weigh obsession, and how odd it is that I've managed to not be obsessed about my weight or what i eat. I think it has everything to do with my mom who always told me to wear to wear the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts, as long as it wasnt vulgar, so I'll have to thank my mom at some point for making sure that I had a great self image.
and what else? i had really great sleep last night, even though i was really cold at first, but then i put on layers of clothes and then blankets and i slept so wonderfully. i need to be incredibly hot to go to sleep, its kinda odd but i just sleep alot better when my room is above 90. oh and i tried the seafood pizza today, even though i was scared about it, and was almost certain in was going to be sick after eating it. in the end though, i made it through okay, and did not hurl which is a good thing since not knowing how fresh seafood is always disturbs me in the worst way.
things are strangely looking up for me, or my attitude is changing. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I just got out of my umass class, and since jess is such a rocking person we went to get pizza first and i didnt have to ride the bus there *and* then she picked me up from class. so that was great because i didnt have to ride the bus, which is marvelous. plus we go to have a really amazing conversation about weigh obsession, and how odd it is that I've managed to not be obsessed about my weight or what i eat. I think it has everything to do with my mom who always told me to wear to wear the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts, as long as it wasnt vulgar, so I'll have to thank my mom at some point for making sure that I had a great self image.
and what else? i had really great sleep last night, even though i was really cold at first, but then i put on layers of clothes and then blankets and i slept so wonderfully. i need to be incredibly hot to go to sleep, its kinda odd but i just sleep alot better when my room is above 90. oh and i tried the seafood pizza today, even though i was scared about it, and was almost certain in was going to be sick after eating it. in the end though, i made it through okay, and did not hurl which is a good thing since not knowing how fresh seafood is always disturbs me in the worst way.
abril 26, 2004
burn|out: n. emotional exhaustion from mental stress
The end of the semester is always a very strange emotional period for me. I start sleeping through classes, and being much crankier than normal. Typically this is because I am overwhelmed by academic pressures and my own psychotic need to be perfect. This semester, while academic stress is playing a huge part of it, I'm also burdened by a lot of fear for what's to come. I'm not sure what I'm doing this summer, which is bad. But I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, which is worse. I feel like the summer is a microcosm for the rest of my life, and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up.
Thankfully I talked to Alesha today, which once again put into perspective how (while plausible) I'm not going to screw up my life, no matter what I do with it, because there's no way I could possibly do worse than she has. I don't have a kid. I finished high school, and I'm on my way to finishing college and in the four years that its supposed to take no less. I'm also not a drug addict of any sort. (no matter how much some days I wish I was). So this is good. Its not so good that I now feel like I'm doing great, but its good enough to keep me from losing whatever thread of sanity I have left.
If I were home, I would probably just take a really long bubble bath and think about what I'm doing, in order to regain my focus. Since I live in dorm, this is not an option, since our tub is just gross. I don't like to think about what has gone on in there. I barely like to take showers in there, but that's mostly because I'm paranoid of what could be lurking between tiles, even though I know that the showers are cleaned/bleached every day. If I were home/in Texas I would also blow off some steam by going out with some friends. Since I'm here and its finals time it seems all of my friends are in the same freezied/unstable shape that I'm in. Plus not being 21 I cant just go to a bar and drink with my friends that are of age, and this is sad.
So yea. That's me. I have 5 more days of class left and I honestly have no want to go to any of them. Well except my UMass class which is the only one which I feel is not a waste of my time. blah.
Some fun links to let y'all waste some time:
*Gonorrhea is so scary, and yet still hilarious.
*not your typical horoscope
*I have a problem
*Strangely fascinated by this show, even though its so wrong.
Thankfully I talked to Alesha today, which once again put into perspective how (while plausible) I'm not going to screw up my life, no matter what I do with it, because there's no way I could possibly do worse than she has. I don't have a kid. I finished high school, and I'm on my way to finishing college and in the four years that its supposed to take no less. I'm also not a drug addict of any sort. (no matter how much some days I wish I was). So this is good. Its not so good that I now feel like I'm doing great, but its good enough to keep me from losing whatever thread of sanity I have left.
If I were home, I would probably just take a really long bubble bath and think about what I'm doing, in order to regain my focus. Since I live in dorm, this is not an option, since our tub is just gross. I don't like to think about what has gone on in there. I barely like to take showers in there, but that's mostly because I'm paranoid of what could be lurking between tiles, even though I know that the showers are cleaned/bleached every day. If I were home/in Texas I would also blow off some steam by going out with some friends. Since I'm here and its finals time it seems all of my friends are in the same freezied/unstable shape that I'm in. Plus not being 21 I cant just go to a bar and drink with my friends that are of age, and this is sad.
So yea. That's me. I have 5 more days of class left and I honestly have no want to go to any of them. Well except my UMass class which is the only one which I feel is not a waste of my time. blah.
Some fun links to let y'all waste some time:
*Gonorrhea is so scary, and yet still hilarious.
*not your typical horoscope
*I have a problem
*Strangely fascinated by this show, even though its so wrong.
abril 23, 2004
stuffy heads are no bueno
yea i definately just woke up. and i definately went to sleep around this time yesterday. being sick+sudaffed+advil= very interesting dreams. involving colorfull rivers with little boats that spin around. there was a lot of spinning in my dream. whats no so cool about being sick is not being able to tell what exactly it is that i have. i went to webmd to try to remedy this, but that was not so helpful. it was a little overwhelming since it told me that i could have an ear infection, or it could be just the flu or cold, but then it starts listing random things off that i could also maybe have but probably dont have but just to be safe their going to scare me and list them in there like "well a fever could really mean that you maybe just be dehydrated" which doesnt get me any closer to actually figuring out what i have. so i drink water, sleep, and dont eat because the concept of eating is just gross right now. lovely.
but at the very least i'm getting alot of sleep. so thats a plus.
but at the very least i'm getting alot of sleep. so thats a plus.
abril 22, 2004
monkeys are people too
I'm starting to understand why people go abroad in their junior year. Its basically to keep themselves from going crazy from all the work that you typically have to do. Its just an academic vacation. While I'm glad that I stayed, I wish I had taken some classes this semester on pass/fail and that I had done some of my work ahead of time. I just never got on a schedule, although when your reading 3 books and writting 4 papers a week, theres really no way to try to think ahead. although i wished i had. i'm glad i didnt take a fifth class though.
but yea, its definately 2:40 in the am and I'm sitting here trying to find out where Nancy Hartsock is, and whether this woman is alive or dead and where she's teaching. ugh. damn sneeky feminist theorist who decide to write something amazing and then disappear. yea. i'm so looking foward to turning this in tomorrow and sleeping. I'm supposed to go to the March in Washington for Women's lives. (i'm too lazy to link) but I think I have a have a major paper due in like 2 weeks so i dont know about it, i may not get to go. so ready for this semester to be done. so ready. i've reached that critical point in the semester where its not completly absurb to start thinking about packing my things up and just heading home and forgetting all about school. at least the weathers nice.
I'm starting to wonder why when one aspect of my life goes poorly, another one just magically becomes better. like for instance I'm out of my bummer phase and into a much happier optimistic phase (which has everything to do with straightening things out with andres) but now I just have absolutely no want to do any of my work. and the thing is, that this semester isnt typical. I cant just bs a paper and go to bed. I have to do some random work, like writing annotated bibliographies. i did my readings i just dont want to sit there and summarize everything that they said. ugh. sleepy.
but yea, its definately 2:40 in the am and I'm sitting here trying to find out where Nancy Hartsock is, and whether this woman is alive or dead and where she's teaching. ugh. damn sneeky feminist theorist who decide to write something amazing and then disappear. yea. i'm so looking foward to turning this in tomorrow and sleeping. I'm supposed to go to the March in Washington for Women's lives. (i'm too lazy to link) but I think I have a have a major paper due in like 2 weeks so i dont know about it, i may not get to go. so ready for this semester to be done. so ready. i've reached that critical point in the semester where its not completly absurb to start thinking about packing my things up and just heading home and forgetting all about school. at least the weathers nice.
I'm starting to wonder why when one aspect of my life goes poorly, another one just magically becomes better. like for instance I'm out of my bummer phase and into a much happier optimistic phase (which has everything to do with straightening things out with andres) but now I just have absolutely no want to do any of my work. and the thing is, that this semester isnt typical. I cant just bs a paper and go to bed. I have to do some random work, like writing annotated bibliographies. i did my readings i just dont want to sit there and summarize everything that they said. ugh. sleepy.
abril 16, 2004
bum|mer: n. [slang] an unpleasant experience
Alright I'm posting something for the sake of not having the depressing post still up. I'm feeling better. Still bummed. this still sucks, and I'm still not quite sure what happened. I'm thinking this breakup is just going to keep hitting me in really depressing unexpected moments. like it hasn't quite sunk in that this is over and that its not going to be the same, and that I'm actually single. Whatever that means. ::sigh:: i'm not good at being single. but yea. I'm taking the proactive approach to this whole mourning process, I did one day of incredible pathetic-ness (that would be Wednesday) and then I got some sense talked into me by my mom and Charles and now I'm doing the "this sucks, but don't wallow in it because its just going to get worse" type of thing. from the same school of thought that tells you not to pick scabs because it just makes it gross, infected, and then it scars. and no one likes scars. but theres still a sick pleasure in picking scabs. but you shouldnt do it because thats gross.
so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?
I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.
I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.
so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?
I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.
I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.
abril 14, 2004
the end of an era
so this morning concluded what was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life, but not the same horrible way were you have a horrible day because someone dies (or in my case has cancer/heart attack) but in the way where the day just snowballs unexpectedly into something horrible that you didnt expect it to. i hate this feeling like i just managed to fuck up/lose something that at one point made me so happy. how did this happen? i dont know. but of course i'll survive because i always do, i just wanted this one to work so badly....even though i didnt always act like i did.
tried to buy myself flowers to cheer me up (the weather here is overcast and that never makes me feel great) but the flower shop was gone. I think that just sums up everything. I turn around and my favorite little place is gone and I'm left there starring at the empty boxes left behind. why am i so terrified of being alone? i'm really not alone, because i have amazing friends but it feels like every semester i lose someone else that i was close to. it makes me scared of who i'll lose next. why am i sharing this? i should be asleep, my body shouldnt be functioning anymore since i only slept for maybe an hour, if that. this is the longest ickiest day ever. but at least my hair was cute.
tried to buy myself flowers to cheer me up (the weather here is overcast and that never makes me feel great) but the flower shop was gone. I think that just sums up everything. I turn around and my favorite little place is gone and I'm left there starring at the empty boxes left behind. why am i so terrified of being alone? i'm really not alone, because i have amazing friends but it feels like every semester i lose someone else that i was close to. it makes me scared of who i'll lose next. why am i sharing this? i should be asleep, my body shouldnt be functioning anymore since i only slept for maybe an hour, if that. this is the longest ickiest day ever. but at least my hair was cute.
abril 13, 2004
I'm such a loser
There are days when everything goes amazingly well, you have witty things to say in class, your hair looks cute, and everything runs along perfectly. Today was not one of those days. It was the type of day were you get pounded by work, and manage to fuck something up in everyone of your classes. The type of day where you start comteplating different ways you could be injured that would prevent you from having to fullfill any of your responsibilities/explain why you are such a loser. I came up with a few good ones, such as being hit by a car, getting into a serious car accident, falling from the library stairs and breaking my leg, and a brain tumor. Since I can only will a tumor, I'm pretty much rooting for the first two. The bad ideas that were rejected included jumping out of my window, but since I live on the second floor so that really wouldnt do anything. So instead I did what any other rational person would do: I sucked it up like a big girl, took a shot of vodka, and made my peace with the fact that I suck at life this week, but thats okay because I can always just become a housewife, and besisdes which who needs sleep?
Blah and today started out with so much promise. Oh well. Between me and sleep is finishing a book and writing intelligent questions for my econ class since I'm leading discussion this week. Why didnt I just go to a state school where I could surround myself with mediocre ppl and feel smart? ugh. i miss feeling smart.
I've decided that when I grow up and stop being a loser I want to be Lisa Hilton and heres why:
1. She's hot and smart
2. She's vicious, honest, and funny
3. She's an erotic book snob
did i mention she's hot? i cannot wait for this semester to be over.
Blah and today started out with so much promise. Oh well. Between me and sleep is finishing a book and writing intelligent questions for my econ class since I'm leading discussion this week. Why didnt I just go to a state school where I could surround myself with mediocre ppl and feel smart? ugh. i miss feeling smart.
I've decided that when I grow up and stop being a loser I want to be Lisa Hilton and heres why:
1. She's hot and smart
2. She's vicious, honest, and funny
3. She's an erotic book snob
did i mention she's hot? i cannot wait for this semester to be over.
abril 11, 2004
cliff notes are sexy
quick summary of the past week:
*saw an amazing mexican film (not available in the US), Amarte Duele
*went to the ben and jerry's factory (life goal accomplished)
*bought the cutest shoes ever! (they're brighter in person, and the pocket is incredibly convenient)
*was rejected by Canada
*was almost not allowed to re-enter the US because of la migra
*chose my room for next year (rm. 112)
*took a mental health day and went to target instead of class bc i'd been averaging 5hrs in the library every day
*shared a pint of dubling mudslide to make life better again
*heard uma narayan speak in class
*ate indian food for the first time (was plesantly surprised by the yummy naan)
*went to Boston for the day
yea thats pretty much it. i've been a really odd mood lately, hence the not posting and skipping class. I think i've pretty much had it with the semester and I'm just ready for summer and swimming and warm weather. but yea i have 5 weeks of school left so i'll just suck it up.
oh and why am i number 29 on the easy sex locator?
*saw an amazing mexican film (not available in the US), Amarte Duele
*went to the ben and jerry's factory (life goal accomplished)
*bought the cutest shoes ever! (they're brighter in person, and the pocket is incredibly convenient)
*was rejected by Canada
*was almost not allowed to re-enter the US because of la migra
*chose my room for next year (rm. 112)
*took a mental health day and went to target instead of class bc i'd been averaging 5hrs in the library every day
*shared a pint of dubling mudslide to make life better again
*heard uma narayan speak in class
*ate indian food for the first time (was plesantly surprised by the yummy naan)
*went to Boston for the day
yea thats pretty much it. i've been a really odd mood lately, hence the not posting and skipping class. I think i've pretty much had it with the semester and I'm just ready for summer and swimming and warm weather. but yea i have 5 weeks of school left so i'll just suck it up.
oh and why am i number 29 on the easy sex locator?
abril 02, 2004
fear the beaver
this week kicked my ass and I'm not ashamed to say it. typically school doesnt really do it for me. yes i go to a nice swanky women's college that cost almost as much as my father makes in a year, but its actually really rare that i feel like i'm being pushed to grow both academically and emotionally. does that mean i'm full of myself? more than likely. the point though is that this week did that for me. which might have everything to do with this being the extreme version of school, since two weeks were rolled into one with the added joy of sleep deprivation and weird unresolved emotional issues about almost losing my father. (speaking of which he's out of the hospital and doing well).
Its interesting because i feel like i've really grown in a very short period of time, and that I may be growing out of some things that I never thought I would grow out of. and it all started with a typical tuesday umass class that just pissed me off enough to remind me why i hate bush and right wing politics and why i cant be around people who choose to live their lives in complete ignorance. The next day i managed to get my econ class to talk about hermaphordites, and to talk about them not as freaks but as people whose bodies dont conform to what we think is "natural" and that it simply means that we have to expand what we consider to be "normal." Then i had a conversation with someone who actually said to me that condoms dont protect against HIV. That was just scary.
Most importantly what I learned this week was that silence doesnt help anyone. Because silence is the same thing as consent and agreement. It only breeds shame and no one should be ashamed not even those who dress is bunny suits to get sexual sulfillment. Good for them for being in touch with their sexuality, some people never are and thats a greater loss.
Here are a few links for y'all:
* This is just blatant racism. The fact that this ran in a national magazine is just ridiculous.
*The april fools site from the lovely and amazing folks of planned parenthood.
*The last of my very favorite series of "I did it for science."
Its interesting because i feel like i've really grown in a very short period of time, and that I may be growing out of some things that I never thought I would grow out of. and it all started with a typical tuesday umass class that just pissed me off enough to remind me why i hate bush and right wing politics and why i cant be around people who choose to live their lives in complete ignorance. The next day i managed to get my econ class to talk about hermaphordites, and to talk about them not as freaks but as people whose bodies dont conform to what we think is "natural" and that it simply means that we have to expand what we consider to be "normal." Then i had a conversation with someone who actually said to me that condoms dont protect against HIV. That was just scary.
Most importantly what I learned this week was that silence doesnt help anyone. Because silence is the same thing as consent and agreement. It only breeds shame and no one should be ashamed not even those who dress is bunny suits to get sexual sulfillment. Good for them for being in touch with their sexuality, some people never are and thats a greater loss.
Here are a few links for y'all:
* This is just blatant racism. The fact that this ran in a national magazine is just ridiculous.
*The april fools site from the lovely and amazing folks of planned parenthood.
*The last of my very favorite series of "I did it for science."
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