bum|mer: n. [slang] an unpleasant experience

Alright I'm posting something for the sake of not having the depressing post still up. I'm feeling better. Still bummed. this still sucks, and I'm still not quite sure what happened. I'm thinking this breakup is just going to keep hitting me in really depressing unexpected moments. like it hasn't quite sunk in that this is over and that its not going to be the same, and that I'm actually single. Whatever that means. ::sigh:: i'm not good at being single. but yea. I'm taking the proactive approach to this whole mourning process, I did one day of incredible pathetic-ness (that would be Wednesday) and then I got some sense talked into me by my mom and Charles and now I'm doing the "this sucks, but don't wallow in it because its just going to get worse" type of thing. from the same school of thought that tells you not to pick scabs because it just makes it gross, infected, and then it scars. and no one likes scars. but theres still a sick pleasure in picking scabs. but you shouldnt do it because thats gross.

so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?

I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.

I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.