so now i'm in search of a 4th class...in the ideal jes world it would be 4 class plus my independent study...like 20 credits or something, which should be fine...right yea, so the roomate threw this pig thing on the ceiling (not a real pig mind u but one of those things u throw on walls that stick) so now theres like this grease spot on the ceiling...just think of Mrs.Lavernes room that was all sorts of stechy and u kinda know what i'm talking about...

right yea, so i'm back at school and i figured i'd get into the habit of writing again...i had a game today, and i nearly just died...i'm so out of shape and i havent really gotten any sleep so i've been kinda out of it...i just finally had time to unpack today...so i did that..i'm trying to convice the roomate to let me switch the room around, and shes not really for it...but i think its a great idea...and i really need my own space or i'm not going to be the lovable jess we all know and love....so yea...the boy kinda cancelled on me for the weekend, of course not intentially but it still sucks, and the roomate wont even be here so it was a plus...i ache i need sleep...and good food, and my own side of the room....and friends that are guys....that'd be cool....

i'm going to dallas in 8 days, 8 days! wooohoo!

so now i'm home...and its like "i dont remember my house looking like this..." and then i felt like shit....which is the best way to put it...like my room wasnt the way i remembered it and it doesnt feel like home...my mom has her own place, my dad has his own place, my brother has his own space back is Mass, and i dont really know where i belong...so i got home and i cleaned...i washed the dog, i vacummed, i hung my stuff up, i threw out papers i dont need anymore, i cleaned the bathroom, and it feels a little better...i got up this morning and i was like "well its better than being in the dorm...my bed doesnt smell like me anymore...now the new countdown begins until i get to go to dallas, and then after that until i get to go back to my dorm...i dont have a place...

I'm saying goodbye to my computer....so sad....a whole month apart....so sad

my head hurts from all the not eating....i cant wait to go home so i can eat...

i'm still here...i havent gone crazy though...this random guy keeps calling me, i like gave him my number at like the beginning of the yr cause he seemed cool u know? and not weird...and months have passed and he randomly calls me and ask me to go out with him...and i'm like i dont wanna go out with u weird guy get the hint...so now i'm not answering my phone...i'm so close to being home....packing is going pretty well I keep having internal arguments with myself over whether i should bring a shirt or not...I'm like do I need this shirt, can i live without this shirt...I'm weird and i have too many clothes...

ok, so i think i'm gonna go crazy, theres no one left and i'm all alone...its the last time i'm ever staying here this long.....and i dont wanna pack because once i do that theres nothing left to do....i cant sleep i cant concentrate theres no dinner being served tonight and i'm gonnna die!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhh....i wanna go home!

i waaaaaaaaaaaannnnna go home!!!!!

why am i still here? i should be home...i wanna be home in my bed asleep...i miss home...tomorrow i'll be home

i went to boston yesterday....yea i have finals, yea i hadnt gone to sleep the night before, but oh well, i wanted to see the boy...it was really great, i completly just needed that...i will now cram in like tons of italian before taking the exam tonight...then i shall sleep....i wish i was leaving earlier, but oh well....cant wait to sleep in my own bed...

family. what is that? some days i really sit here and just wonder that...maybe because i don't really know mine, because i know there's this huge chunk of people who are just wonderful and special like me and the reason ppl tell me that they've never met anyone else like me is because all the abad's and maz's are still in Colombia...i don't know. what i do know is that i'm thankful for the disfunction one that i have. someone who i didn't know lost their father during the weekend, i met the girl once or twice, a friend of a really great friend of mine here...and i just thought about my brother and my mom and my dad, and how it all doesn't really just work just right...and then i realized that it didn't matter. i have them, and i know who they are. and i know where they live and they are alive. i'm not gonna judge them or distance myself from them. i am my mother's daughter, my father's little girl, my brother's annoying little sister. that would be me. i used to miss the way things were before...and as i'm staring at the screen telling the void what i'm feeling its hit me that i'm lucky (and i don't believe in luck) my family works in its own way. and that's what i'm gonna focus on. not all the stuff that's gone bad, but all the little things that have gone right...its all about the little things....

some days i wake up and everything is just good...actually better than good Its great, its all about getting a really good nights rest or good mornings rest in my case since I go to sleep when the sun comes up at 6:30am....thats ok though cause the other jes on my floor came in and woke me up at 11:30am to ask me if i wanted to get some breakfast...and when you've has just a really great conversation the night/morning before the day just starts off perfectly...and then i even get along with kim, and hold a conversation with her about how the phone rings at 2am and it doesnt wake her up, and me talking on the phone doesnt wake her up either....some days things just start off well...this is just one of those days, and yea....i'm gonna get something done today, i can feel it...

once again nothing productive done...blah...thats ok though i got to talk to the boy....always enjoy talking to the boy..

I've done absolutely nothing productive today....oh well I have only 1 final...so I'm fine...

so lets talk about yesterday...yesterday was a really good day, like it just was. I had a lot of really good conversations, I had my last practice for cheerleading, I got to dance alot, and i got to play lots with my friends....i scared the crap out of one of them, and that was a lot of fun...it was just overall alot of good stuff yesterday. It was the last day of classes for me, and I decided I'm gonna do an independent study next yr with my econ proffessor and that should be really good for me. I'm really excited about it....oh right ok. so we had a dance yesterday, and it was like "wear anything but clothes" so like these people were there in like seran wrap and caution tape, and towels etc....and like i saw much more ass than i needed to see...i had a lot of fun, probably cause i was sober and i just felt like having a good time. I've decided that I attract old guys...that are like at least a foot taller than me and are just plain creepy...any guy who ever tries to dance with me is just creepy...all of the guys there were U-Mass boys anyways, so all of them qualify under that....i dunno just random stuff

did anyone realize that tomorrow is Thursday? 'cause i sure didnt...my italian prof. was like "yea the oral presentations are tomorrow" and i was like "wait didnt she say they were on thrusday?", and my neighboor is like "tomorrow is thrusday" and i said "fuck."

u know when u are really friends with someone when they know ur last name...especially in college where no one ever uses ur last name...if they know ur full name thats just an added bonus, unless u happened to be named like Michael Jahn or something where ur full name is the only thing ppl call u anyways...

so my day: I got 12hrs off sleep cause i have "optional classes" which to me means reward urself for being good and get some rest..after that i had some italian...nothing too special...then some down time in the library, where girls were talking and socializing...then at practice i got sent to the corner again cause i'm a bad cheerleader bc i'm afraid of heights and cant get my mind to go dumb when i'm off the ground...then some improv where girls were in their undies and i know i saw nipple and ass that i didnt wanna see, it was good stuff though (although sometimes i was just laughing at them)...and then i painted some gingerbread cookies.....good stuff...and then there was yatta, which is the funniest thing in the world...ahhh good days are rare but good....

my room has a smell again. its not me...and its really bothering me....euuuw.....smellls like poooooo....ok not really but its pretty bad...euk...