An open letter to crazy b*tches who think I'm out to steal their man when in reality I have no interest in their man and only want delicious pancakes

About 70% of my friends are male. Before I went to college though it was closer to 98%, so I consider 70% to be a vast improvement. Not that I don't love having male friends, in fact I prefer it since there's a lot less drama, and at any moment they can stand in as my faux-boyfriend, kinda like having a gay boyfriend, minus the gay. The only real problem with this is that they date women. Women who hate me. Universally. None of their girlfriends have ever liked me. Some stand me which is a lot like hate, but without any of the effort involved in hating someone. This has been going on for enough time though that I'm pretty immune to the whole thing. I just assume that they don't like me and then move on with my life, because sadly I always outlast them so really at this stage of my life they're only temporary disturbances. Last night though I was reminded of how much of a disturbance it really is though to be universally hated. Even if it is temporary.

After a night of strawberry shots and fuzzy baby navels, we were all in the garage trying to determine which of us was fit to drive and who needed something to sober up and who should probably never be allowed to take shots again. All was good in the world. Until someone's ex-pulled up in her car. Maybe under the pretense of trying to figure out if we were going to go eat, but really to keep an eye on me and make sure I wasn't making out with her man. The entire night she'd been keeping an eye on me, but it was very low key spying as opposed to the full out let me get out of my car and stand right next to you to make sure y'all aren't about to make out while my angry friends stay in my car and stare you down. Now I have no idea what he said to her about me, like if he explained that he'd known me for a while or if he just said something equally genius like I have aids and this is my friend Jessica, but whatever he said it wasn't enough to get her to back down. This very nice woman, who I'm sure is normally a very sane human being was acting irrationally. And for no reason, because I had no interest in making out with her man. I had an interest in getting some pancakes in my belly and making sure he wasn't deported.

She wouldn't leave until she saw them get out of my car, into their own car, and watched me drive away. Alone. Without her man. We even bypassed the whole drunken hug goodbye process just so she wouldn't decide to get out of her car and knife me. Which is vaguely sweet, but mostly just crazy. This is why I've decided to create a form letter which I can just hand out to break it down for them, and let them know that I am not in fact trying to steal their man. I present to you my open letter to crazy ex and current girlfriends:

Dear __________:

Hi. We've never met, but my name is Jessica and I'm a good friend of ___________. We've known each other for _____ years and in that time spent the majority of our time together watching bad movies and skipping class. There may or may not have been a time when we made out, but it was _________________ and you know how it goes, we're much better as friends. Besides, right now I just came out of a long term relationship so I have no interest in your man, or any man for that matter. I'm not even interested in women, not even to experiment, but thanks for asking. So, you see you have absolutely no reason to believe that I would steal him away from you. That's just not my style.

Sincerely,

Jessica