why soccer is the best sport ever

I'm not into sports. I have no teams that I follow religiously. When there's a game of any sort on tv I always get bored at some point and switch it to the food network to listen to Paula Deen deep fry something or another in a vat of butter. However when my daddy invited me to a soccer game I knew I had to go because one its my daddy and two its soccer. Soccer is the best sport ever, for about a million reasons. First I actually played the sport when I was teeny tiny and was pretty good at it (mostly because I was a bit ol'cheater, I'd trip people, elbow them, kick them and get away with it because I was the only girl on the team). Most importantly though soccer is a fast game, so I can't possibly get bored. Oh and when people score it actually means something. Its not like basketball or baseball where there are a ton of points. One goal and the entire game could be lost, and you never know when a goal is going to happen or not. There's a lot of delayed satisfaction going on, so that when a goal is scored its orgasmic.

So yea on its own, soccer is a highly entertaining sport. In a stadium filled with 16 thousand people its a billion times more entertaining. What's interesting about watching the game in Houston is that there are two very different demographics at the game. Upper middle class white folk going to the game with their obnoxious soccer loving children and drunk as hell Latino, British, and Indian men. So there's a little tension in the audience. Which makes for some great people watching. Sitting a couple of rows in front of me were three impossibly sauced gentlemen who were waving Mexican flags. Now these were two American soccer teams playing against each other, so I'm sure there were many in the audience who were wondering what exactly a Mexican flag had to do with the game. I'm pretty sure its just a cultural thing, just like its a cultural thing to affix those insipid support our troops magnets to your suv, but at least waving your Mexican flag doesn't end up with us invading some country in the middle east. But yea, these lovely men kept waving their flags and then someone (ie the white dad sitting a row behind them whose little girl kept being hit in the face by the flags) complained to the police. And then they kicked them out of the section. And the thing is they had great seats. They were right at the front almost directly in the middle of the field. So when they left they were pissed. And proceeded to curse loudly at the guy who had them kicked out, a beautiful string of words that involved the guys mother and his wife and hell. Since it all took place in Spanish though, the family just sat there bewildered wondering what was going on.

That was the first half. In the second half was when things got really interesting. The little toddler next to me was getting restless and I had to use all of my willpower not utter my own set of expletives at the poor child who kept using her head as a battering ram against my arm. Fortunately for me in the second half in the game two goals were scored and I spent most of my time on my feet yelling for them to score. That's the great thing about being in a large audience. All kinds of social transgressions suddenly become acceptable. Like being drunk at 5pm. Or cursing out complete strangers. Or chanting "culeros" with your closest equally intoxicated friends. This particular chant made me and my mom giggle in the most inappropriate way since the white folks around us had no idea what was going on, but chanted along anyways.

The absolute best part of the game though were the soccer players, who were perfect human specimens. Out of all athletes I would say soccer players have the very best bodies. They aren't freakishly tall and slender like swimmers. Or short and hugely built like wrestler. Soccer players are perfectly proportioned, not too tall, not too short. And they have stamina. Lots and lots of stamina, because this isn't American football where the game is stopped every 5 minutes. They have to sprint around for a full 30 or 40 minutes without stop. So yea stamina. Hot. Oh and their very bend-y, since they kick the ball from all sorts of weird positions. Besides that though you can play soccer well into your late 30s, unlike some other sports where you have to retire when you get to 20, which means that there are quite a few who have beautiful silvery hair, which I love.

So yea. Soccer is the very best sport ever. The end.