38 hours naps make Mondays feel like a steel wall of pain

Okay, so let's talk about Lindsay Lohan. Because I love her and think that she's getting unfairly picked on for being young, and hot, and slutty, and a self made multimillionaire, who likes to drink, and do some recreational drugs, and take slutty pictures. I mean really isn't that what America would like all its young women to turn into? If we're serious for just a bit and ignore that whole "pretend virgin" bs and just got real, then Lindsay really is the American dream. So why the double standard? Male actors do blow, act like sluts, stumble home at strange hours of the night and they're just called Irish or Australian or foreign or misunderstood. I understand all right though, you wanna have a good time, there's no shame in that, Ms. Lohan just wants to do the same thing but when she does she gets a scolding from her producing company. I smell the man at work here, and its just not right.

The girl works alot. She young, and youth only last for so long, so you should you know seize the day and what not. Besides which how many people do you know who can look this stunning coming out at last call? Not many.

ok bunch of links:

* This link is for lasu, who is afraid of the future. Its going to be ok, really.

* "Paris Hilton: Anti-Hero." Its mostly about pop music in general, but it does talk about Paris, who strangely I'm starting to actually like. I'm not quite sure how that happened.

* More evidence in video form that Johnny Depp is the coolest person on the planet. part one and two.

* Umm this site is like crack. Bad awful from the street corner crack. You have to click on the little boohbahs though and go to the part where they dance, because I kid you not I think I lost an hour of my life to this shit.

* If I had made all my millions from videos like this, I too would try to hide behind giant bags.

* This might be the perfect thing for me. Cute pet like object that I cant kill.

* a list of sexy movie scenes, which since they only list a couple of foreign films I totally do not agree with, because really i don't care how sexy tom cruise was in risky business but until you see the Polaroid scene in el sexo y lucia you have no idea what pretend movie sex should look like.

* Okay this video is funny and under 3 minutes. Its a win win.

* This little makeup how to series is awesome. And as an added bonus Elke has the most adorable accent.

* Have you met Face Hunter yet? Because until you have, you have not lived. Reasons I love include but are not limited to: I love seeing people have fun with clothes, I like looking at pretty people looking slightly off, I love clothes, I love clothes on foreigners wearing straight jackets as nuovo vougue, and seriously I love seeing people not taking themselves too seriously.

* Friday night was a weird night at the club. Weird awesome patron shots after last call are a totally bad/best idea ever type of night. There was a guy dressed as a pilot, which really I think says it all.

* A listing of the 50 best movie endings of all time. or something.

* And because just reading fluff rots your brain here's an update on the hpv vaccine. I don't understand why something this crucial isn't just being put inside lollipops and handed out to everyone and their mother. But you know that could just be me, and my irrational fear of dying of cancer.

ps: I'm obsessed with kellis' "bossy", dont worry though this should pass in like another week. or twelve. although for the life of me I cant comprehend whats going on in the video. like what alternate poddle and grilled filled paradise is she living in?

and then there was one.

Blah.

For the past week Yara has been my constant companion. And now she is boarding her place and heading back to California. Ev left on Sunday and is already back in Boston. I miss them already. Sure I've been ruining on at most 6 hours of sleep and my place is a mess and I'm tired as hell, but this past week has been awesome. Like complete and total super busy perfection. There was a picnic at the park with fried chicken and biscuits. Swimming at 11am while still tipsy from the previous nights drinking. There was an awesome birthday dress. I saw some nipples which were perfection but will remain nameless. A soccer game. Colombian food. Venezuelan food. Greek food. A trip to a taqueria at midnight. I got into the club for free all by myself.

It was basically one full week of all my favorite things. Which is funny because really you rarely ever get to do just all of your favorite things and ignore everything else. Well I still went to work, but I just took hour long lunch breaks out of the office, which I'd never done before because I was a bit too consumed in getting everything done. The work/play balance was thrown off this week, but it was fabulous. And I loved every moment of it.

Plus having your birthday fall on a Saturday is an incredible dangerous thing. Because you go out on Friday and then again on Saturday and by the time Sunday hits you take a pass on that wine at dinner, because your liver just cant take anymore.

And my friends. My friends are awesome. I wanted everyone to meet them because they are just perfection. Crazy neurotic I am going to murder them in their sleep and then make out with them some more perfection. I'm convinced that Mount Holyoke women are a totally different deal. It was hilarious watching men try to talk them up and then being destroyed because they just don't stack up.

And the boys. They behaved themselves very well this weekend. And smelled especially good this weekend. I was really happy with them. Even if they couldn't decipher our humor and thought Yara was seriously a whore, and married, and had ten kids. But whatev, it was funny none the less.

Yea this past week was perfect.

Oh and my apartment? It rocks. I'm 20 minutes away from the airport. Down the street from my pho place, my favorite greek place, and the club, and my after club drunken eating place. Ten minutes from the best fried chicken in town, and the soccer stadium, and my job. I actually think I could get away with buying a vespa. So we'll see.

Memento mori

This Carpe diem business is really tricky, because sure "seizing the day" sounds like a good idea but somehow before you know it your hanging out a hipster dive bar listening to screamo with two queens entirely too sober to just give in to the randomness of the evening wondering what weird decision in the night got you in this situation.

Yea. What started out as an early evening out turned into me driving someone home to the third ward at 2 in the morning. Not cool. At all. In the slightest. Because seizing the day shouldn't mean not getting your 8 hours of sleep because your driving a drunk home while trying to figure out the fastest possible way out of the ghetto and away from the prostitutes.

So yea. Good times. Or something like it.

Links!:

* If you have some time I highly recommend reading this, its about the study of happiness and its long but oh so good. Here's my favorite part:

And no matter where they live, human beings are terrible predictors of what will make them happy. If Stumbling on Happiness tells us anything, it's this. "Imagination?" says Gilbert, "is the poor man's wormhole." Our imagination has an odd knack for Photoshopping things in and airbrushing things out, which is why we think that getting back together with our exes is a good idea; it also tends to mistake our present feelings for future ones, which is why, when we decide to marry the right person, we find it unthinkable we'?ll ever be tempted to sleep with anyone else. At the same time, we forget that our imagination has a miraculous ability to rationalize its way out of grim situations- which is why we're more likely to take a positive view of things we did than things we didn'?t (so go ahead and ask that woman to marry you), more comfortable with decisions we can?'t reverse than ones we can, and more apt to make the best of a terrible situation than a merely annoying one.

* Too cute!

* Since Israel is blowing things up I figure it needs some good pr right now, so its in that spirit that I share this video with you.

* Pure random absurd humor in video form.

* "You can't be a bear."

A plumber, a lawyer, and a catholic schoolgirl walk into a bar...

If we weren't sluts we wouldn't have any fun.

That my friends was the quote of the night. I was in the restroom stall ignoring the crying drunk girl at the sink when suddenly one of her other drunk friends in an effort to comfort delivers possibly the greatest line ever uttered in the history of dumb drunk girls everywhere.

It's so true though. Its brilliance lies in its simplicity. If you always did the "right thing" the "smart thing" the "appropriate thing" you would never have any fun. All work and no play, you know?

In the spirit of no work and no play I had a really good night last night. An awesome night. My week was super long. It was all meetings, and trial by fire, and your the only person in the department Jessica, and stare at asp for 8 hours a day, and drop what your doing and go to this meeting in Sugarland, and then order some shirts, and figure out where the faxes come in. A lot of working went on this week. So I needed some major sitting at a bar and drinking to take the edge off the week.

So I did. A couple of Woodchuck Ambers later and the week doesn't seem so rough. Normally when I'm behaving I have 2 drinks and maybe a shot the entire night. Lets just say that it was 12 something and I was way past my quota.

But the drinking was only one part of the fun though. The real fun started way before then when I was getting dressed and wanted to be at once lazy and cute. So I traded my suit pants for a plaid mini-skirt and voila I went from Annie Hall to Catholic Schoolgirl. Now you have to know that my dressing up as a schoolgirl is funniest to myself. Its absurdly funny, so I go with it. Plus I think pretty girls in particular are much too serious about getting dressed. Its all sexy top, cute heels, and jeans and not nearly enough random catholic girl getups. So really I'm doing this for humanity.

So drinking + a catholic schoolgirl getup= getting hit on by my friend's lawyer. The man was like old, but he was rich and it was funny. He knew it wasn't going to happen, but he did it anyways. I like that. I didn't like it enough to go to New York with him on his jet though. So its official that I do not have a gold digger bone in my body. Good times.

I also got hit on by a plumber, but he's adorable and called today just like he said he would so that's impressive. He also didn't give me a look when I told him I majored in Women's Studies, so really he has two things going for him. We'll see what comes of it though.

Okay and now one link:

* Reason a billion and one why I <3 Madeline Albright:

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright on women in power: "I'm not a person who thinks the world would be entirely different if it was run by women. If you think that, you've forgotten what high school was like." (via the fix)

its what we are

In about a week or so I turn 23. To say I'm excited about it would be an understatement. I am beyond excited. For many reasons beyond the normal, "oh its my birthday."

I'm excited because my very favorite mohos are coming to visit. I'm excited because they both said they'd show up at the airport in bows. I'm excited because I officially have my own damn place and we are going to get so impossibly intoxicated on girly slumber party fumes I'm not going to sleep for a week.

So there's much excitement. There's also the big realization that I am turning 23.
And 23 is close to 25.
And 25 is close to 30.
And 30 is close to death.

So I'm glad I'm not close to death.

23 is the beginning of a lot of things though, I am realizing. Its the beginning of the baggage. Of the real honest to goodness baggage. Sure before 23 nutty people got married, experienced heart ache, got herpes, went to rehab, had big blowouts with folks, made some mistakes, you know the good stuff. But somehow I think 23 is that marker, where no longer do you just shrug those things off and you begin to weight your choices a lot more carefully.

I'm being so vague when really I'm talking about one thing. Before 23 I think people take a lot more chance on love and like and lust. After 23 I think there's a lot more caution, because experience has shown that if you give your heart away you get hurt. Or that eventually the butterflies pass and your left with a elbow to the face. I think there's more fear. At least that's what I've noticed amongst the 23yr olds I know.

There's a lot of "I'm not looking for anything serious, my last relationship was X amount of years and I don't wanna go through that again. I just wanna have fun." Which seems smart. Seems so prudent, but there's something to be said for just taking a stupid chance. Stupid chances defined my teens and well I didn't get herpes, and I survived. But by not being bold and taking a chance possibilities are lost. Hope is lost. If your cautious all the time, and think everything through then you over think everything and you miss that window where you just kiss that girl/guy and say the hell with it to over thinking what it means and the repercussions.

I think you miss out on living when your weighed down by all that baggage.

But then again what do I know? My motto is currently "I don't need no stinking boyfriend telling me what to do. I just wanna have fun."

What do I know really I'm just turning 23. I'm just a kid.

re*gret

n.
1. A sense of loss and longing for someone or something gone.
2. A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

Regret is the dirtiest of all words to me. Its what I avoid most in life. It is, many times, my main motivation in deciding whether or not I'll do something. The question is always "will I regret it if I don't?" not "will I regret it if I do?" because quite frankly if I know that I would have regretted not doing it then it negates whether or not after the fact I regret having done it. Its not even a conversation in my head really. Well its a short conversation that goes like this:

"Damn I shouldn't have done that"
"But if I hadn't I would have regretted not doing it"
"eh well then it was worth it"

And that's that. Because I'm a big girl and even though I'm notoriously flaky when I make a decision I made it. And so what if future Jessica thinks that was a bad decision the Jessica that made that decision thought it was a good idea. And so what if I'm drunk or high on pheromones or what have you I made a decision and I always think its so stupid to qualify things after the fact. I always feel like I have to own up to whatever I've done and not just shrug it off and say "well I was drunk." In reality it should go more like "yes I was drunk, but I also decided it was a good idea at the time and I have to live with that."

And live with it I do. For the most part though it works out. It means that I take chances, even knowing full well that a huge possibility exist that things aren't going to work out. Moving to Erie? Not the greatest idea. But I'm so glad I took a leap of faith. And okay so I crashed and burned and killed some innocents along the way, eventually it wont hurt so bad. All wounds heal. Eventually at some point.

Its better than wishing that I had just kissed that boy and called him back and moved in with him but not having done it because he might laugh in my face or betray me or not marry me. Haha. Its too soon to joke about that one. Eventually though it wont be.

Eventually.

And now links:

* Today at work I started at asp code all day. After 6 hours of it I feel like this.

* Do you want to head butt like Zidane? Well now you can.

* And why Zidane proved that soccer is not the sport of suburban soccer moms.

* funny ad.

* I love jews. A little more than a should probably. So this list is totally going up on my fridge, as soon as I move out in like a week.

* I got this from Brent. Whos blogging more now because he can. Best part of the interview though:

HR: I get "Ya know I'm really depressed and I'll never meet a girl like that again and I'm twenty-one." Son, you're twenty-one. It is a big world out there and you are going to have a really good time. You are gonna meet lots of women, and humans are complex tricky creatures. If only we were dogs then shit would work out better but humans are very complex. There are a lot of reasons that things don't work so you don't have to call the girl a bitch because everything a person does is coming from a real reason. She cheated on you? Well, she wasn't getting what she needed from you. She is getting something she needed from this other fellow, or woman or whatever that she left you for, so you gotta move on. But don't kill yourself. Don't drink yourself into a stupor. Don't drive to the guy's house. None of that stuff is appropriate behavior. And believe it or not, you're gonna be fine.

Campioni!

Super happy about the Italy win. The moment it looked like they were going to go to penalty kicks I knew Italy was going to win because its always the team that doesn't look so hot during the game that wins during penalties. Normally this bothers me but since I hate the French (for reasons that are unknown even to me) I thought it was awesome.

So yea that's that. Yesterday the Houston Dynamo played against Chivas USA and they won 3 to 1. The game was awesome in spite of the fact that it was delayed for 30 minutes because of the rain. Not so awesome was the 5 hours of sleep I was running on because I am a genius and decided that it would be wise to end my evening Friday night with a shot of pure evil. I have no idea what was in that damn thing but I know I never want to drink it again. Well not unless I want to short circuit every bit of good reasoning in my body again and drive home in the rain less than sober. Not a smart move on my part. And normally I'm super good about that, but like I said that shot was evil. And I promise to never ever do it again. The end.

My engineer shorts finally got to meet the world on Friday night and they were a big hit because they are adorably short. They did inspire one of the bouncers to molest my hand and for that I must remember to always use the shorts for good and not evil. And to stay far far away from giant bouncers who are 5 times my size when I go out. But then again there are probably worse things in life than having a bouncer want to molest your hand. Like having a bouncer kick you out of a club. So that's good too.

When we finally made our way out of the club though it was raining and there was no way I could get my suede pumps wet. Because they mean more to me than life itself and I cant replace them. And since I wasn't drunk enough to think walking barefoot on dirty Houston sidewalks was a good idea, Lasu had to give me a piggy back to my car. Well a piggyback ride to the garage he made me walk on dirty garage pavement, to the 4th floor. I figure that he owes me from countless evenings that I've spent babysitting him so its ok.

And yea that's that. Some where in this evenings debauchery I completely messed up my back. Like it hates me now. And its my entire back that hurts, so I wish I knew what I did to it so I could make sure to never do that again. And yea that's that.

Exciting stuff, I know.

ps: If you haven't heard Justin Timberlakes 'SexyBack' yet you should do so right now. Its good catchy stuff.

* Do you love Ghostbusters as much as I do? Well you'll be pleased to know that you can now watch it in gif form.

* I love books. My daddy loves books. My brother loves books. My mom... well she likes books. Anyways we all love books, so when I read that "80% of US families did not buy or read a book last year" I was shocked. And yet not shocked because I already knew that my family is abnormal. Anyways the other stats in there are interesting and you may want to glance through them.

* "I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!" This article (from the Onion for those of you who cant decipher satire) is super funny and you should read it now. Oh and I found it here.

* "Smoking is a dirty habit. It's a dirty habit for a dirty little girl" This quote right there is why I love Lindsay Lohan so.

* And finally "The Garden State Effect" a great article music and people listening to certain bands simply because they're lemmings and what not.

Jump in

Five day weekends are magical things. Not so magical is the pain of waking up at 6am after 5 days straight of not waking up until around noonish. It was a great weekend. An awesome weekend. The type of weekend were you kind of forget you have this awesome job that you normally go to for 5 days a week and instead think your life revolves around pubs, yummy food, and futbol.

Sadly however my life now also revolves around being painfully not awake and yet still being forced to function for 8 hours. I had kinda forgotten that my brain isn't really awake before noon. Which is why I spent the majority of my day doing data entry, because it requires the absolute minimum of brain cells to get the job done right. And by the majority I mean to say that I spent 8 hours entering data. I have the sneaking suspicion that in my dreams tonight I'll be entering data.

Good times.

Last night though we went to the Dynamo game after watching the totally awesome Italian victory over those awful Germans. The game ended up being tied one to one. And it was sprinkling throughout the entire night. Not so fun when you consider its Houston in the summer and the air is already impossibly humid. Its also been raining for a week straight and will continue to rain for about another week. Which sucks.

Ah but best part of the game was the opening which featured a fly over which was pretty cool, but the best part by far were the skydivers which fell right above the stadium and looked like they were going to crash into the stadium and then managed to some how land smack in the middle of the playing field. Coolest thing I've ever seen.

Well except for that time I saw that kitten bitch slap a baby. But that's a story for another day. In the meantime here are the links:

* How to cut a mango, in video form. Mangoes are my favorite fruit. I could eat them ever day. I put salt on them and like them cold. Its magical. The only problem is that I make a bloody mess every time I eat them. So I have to load up on paper towels to eat them which cuts down on the places where I can eat them. This video how to however might just change my life allowing me to eat mangoes in more places than ever before.

* awesome awesome tattoos. via myaimistrue

* My friends are lovely. They are also idiots. In the interest of their well being I bring you how to avoid being arrested in video form, for those of you who don't like to read.

* This picture is a couple of years old, but it perfectly illustrates my personal philosophy that you can in fact be too old to rock teeny tiny shorts. Which is why if you can you should do so now while you still can and lose the leggins.

* beer clip. simple genius.

* did you ever want the internet to tell you
what celebrity you most looked like? well today is your lucky day.

* My entire life I've been partial to nice boys. I've never been one for assholes. Well, not obvious assholes, some of them are pretty sneaky. Anyways if you need to be converted over to the much happier side of life this list will help you see the light.

* Okay this is long, but soo worth it. "When you cant earn an MBA: Thoughts on getting ahead without an MBA" read it, pass it along.

* And finally the banana that you know and love is on the verge of extinction. Don't worry though, science will save the day. Okay, well worry a little, but not too much because it happened before and we survived. Also long, also worth reading.

wasting time

So umm I had this super awesome post. It was epic. It was witty. Then firefox got mad at me and ate it. So just be aware that I can already tell that this post is not going to be nearly as epic as the one that was just lost. I'll give you a moment to mourn.

Moment gone. Basically though I've been mia for a week because I have an 8 to 5 (well really an 8:30 to 5 something ish) and I'm still in that magical brand new job phase were I don't spend 85% of my day stalking people on facebook. I don't think it really sunk in that I was actually employed for real until I deleted my "jobs I should apply to folder." Best. Feeling. Ever. And I do mean ever. I don't wanna jinx it though but I really think this job is a really good fit for me. Its like every random thing I ever learned to do (except for welding) is being put to use. Case and point in this past week I've translated a brochure, stared at some code and created some web pages, entered stuff into a data base, edited a letter, and you know saved the world. Not bad for the first week. So I'd like to keep my job, hence my not blogging at work. I have no interest in getting dooced. And that's pretty much that.

I'll tell you the most random part of my week at work though. A woman who works for the Finland version of us came to visit the office and she was the most stunning woman I have ever seen. Like period. And I've seen a lot of pretty women. This woman though was abnormally stunning. Like for 10am in the middle of the week in some bad office lighting to be that stunning is not right. Which makes me wonder if she would have been considered that beautiful in Finland or if there she's like the average pretty woman. And if so why haven't we gone over there and conquered that shit?

I like how this is what I'm spending my time thinking about. Also I've realized that working cuts right into my reading-every-damn-thing-on-the-internet time. Which means that I spent about 7 hours today (I wish was I was joking about that number) catching up on everything I missed. and let me tell you I missed alot.

So here's what I missed:

* Brooke Hogan (Hulk Hogan's daughter) made a music video. Well her daddy's money made a music video. And it makes me feel bad for her. Very very bad because when Paris Hilton makes a better music video than you, you know your in the wrong profession. She's a big girl too, like a pretty and big and tall girl she'd make a good wrestler maybe she should do that instead, I cant imagine Paris Hilton being a good wrestler, so she'd have her beat there.

* I'm so glad I'm not alone. Although I do have to say that having an all European world cup finals pretty much kills my interest in the cup. I'm rooting for Portugal and pretty much just hoping that anyone but the Germans win. But I'm not obsessed eating drinking sleeping it like I was at the beginning of the cup. Also I'd like to be the first to offer a conspiracy theory and say that this cup was rigged. Its insane and unthinkable that no Latin American teams or even a Asian team made it to the semi-finals. There were good teams that were robbed because of bad ref calls. So I say the refs were bought and this whole cup was sham. the end.

* I want these!

* a great little motivational blog post thing. even though I did an awful job describing it you should go read it. Its about removing barriers and getting shit done.

* If your dumb enough to wear flip flops to your office job then your not smart enough to get promoted. end of story.

* One of the billion reasons I never take any pictures that I wouldn't want my mother to see. And just so you know, unless you work with ron jeremy you totally don't want to read this at work.

* My goal is to finally finish reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" soon. I'm re-reading it in Spanish and it makes my brain hurt. Hence my putting it down and watching god awful tv instead. Once this is over and I destroy this book I'll be able to read something else, which is where this handy master reading list thing comes in.

* I was going to watch Superman today, but the movie was sold out. You should know that the only reason I'd even agreed to see the film was because alcohol was involved. But after reading this, I'm so much more interested in good ol' Clark Kent.

* And finally this. Last night I went out and in celebration of my new job wore my celebration dress. Otherwise known as the naked dress. Now I'm not actually naked in this dress, as always everything is covered. There just isn't that much coverage. And its all held together with some string. A good dress. Anyways for the first time in wearing this dress I got attention in a way that very much made me uncomfortable. And it wasn't even crude or anything like that, it was just coming from people that I don't want looking at me like that. But there was some leering and I wanted to disappear. Or find a sweater. Anyways it was the type of thing that only happens when you find yourself in the midst of a pack of men. Which is pretty much my entire social life now. Male attention is a funny thing, and for some reason unlike the blogger whose post I linked to up there, I've never gotten mad at being looked at and cat called or harassed, because I honestly think its me. Because my skirts are really tiny, and men cant help themselves, and if I don't wanna get leered at dry clean that burka and rock that shit in the club. And the fact that I honestly feel its my fault that I'm getting leered at is sad. Yea okay I'm cute and you can look, but no matter how revealing the outfit you should always be respectful of the person in it. Cause there's a person in there under all those breasts./rant