andy came to visit and things are better. i dont know why we fight, its really silly and pointless, we're both way too attached to ever break up. but things will be different now, but in a better way. i will make this a much more positive experience, yea i hate this weather it depresses me. yea it sucks to be in the middle of nowhere massachusets, yea i havent seen the sun in days, yea i dont really like women, but my room is happy, and i've made good friends. and its not like god hates me and i was born in this godforsaken place, so its not like this is permanent. its not. i'll keep myself busy and see Andy as much as possible and do my best. i wasnt made to live in this kind of weather but i'll make the best of it.
this is my own personal pep talk. things will get better, it cant be cold and dreary forever.
febrero 21, 2003
i'm bored.
not in the "i cant figuare out what to do today" kind of day where really u just need something to jump start your day, but i'm bored in a much deeper sense. like i'm stuck, i'm trapped, i'm sufficating, i stopped living and i'm just observing my life. i'm tired of the four walls in my single. theres no one to enjoy them with. i'm tired of this place. i'm tired of being surrounded by women, i dont know how i ended up here. i'm tired with this semester, with my 4 classes that arent that hard and aren't challenging me. i'm tired of south hadley and of the fucking snow. i feel trapped here. there's nothing to do here that i havent already done.
i've just spent the day really thinking about it and i dont know why i'm here. yea, its a great school. yea i wanted to get the hell out of Texas. but i miss my mom. i miss good food. i miss actually being excited about dinner. i miss being excited.
i'm just bored. bored with my life and with this place.
I want a really good bacon burger. maybe i'm just hungry. or maybe i just realized that somehow i ended up a girl's boarding school. maybe i will graduate next year. i dont think i can take this place for another 2 yrs.
next time around i'll do things better. i'll be nicer to my parents, save some money, buy a mac in the first place, and date a man who doesnt have to have his arm twisted to come see me. and i wont live in south hadley. next time around i'll do this better...i will.
not in the "i cant figuare out what to do today" kind of day where really u just need something to jump start your day, but i'm bored in a much deeper sense. like i'm stuck, i'm trapped, i'm sufficating, i stopped living and i'm just observing my life. i'm tired of the four walls in my single. theres no one to enjoy them with. i'm tired of this place. i'm tired of being surrounded by women, i dont know how i ended up here. i'm tired with this semester, with my 4 classes that arent that hard and aren't challenging me. i'm tired of south hadley and of the fucking snow. i feel trapped here. there's nothing to do here that i havent already done.
i've just spent the day really thinking about it and i dont know why i'm here. yea, its a great school. yea i wanted to get the hell out of Texas. but i miss my mom. i miss good food. i miss actually being excited about dinner. i miss being excited.
i'm just bored. bored with my life and with this place.
I want a really good bacon burger. maybe i'm just hungry. or maybe i just realized that somehow i ended up a girl's boarding school. maybe i will graduate next year. i dont think i can take this place for another 2 yrs.
next time around i'll do things better. i'll be nicer to my parents, save some money, buy a mac in the first place, and date a man who doesnt have to have his arm twisted to come see me. and i wont live in south hadley. next time around i'll do this better...i will.
febrero 20, 2003
Here are some interesting opinions on the war on Iraq. The rest can be found here.
Spike Lee is the director most recently of 25th Hour.
Not in favor of war on Iraq. Bush is hoodwinking and bamboozling the American public.
Ben Karlin is co-executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.
Do I favor a U.S. invasion of Iraq? I am only in favor of war with Iraq if the entire affair takes place between the morning of February 21st and the evening of Sunday March 2nd. This is because The Daily Show will be on hiatus during this period, and, historically, massive loss of life has proven not conducive to producing a comedy news program. I would remind the president as he and his generals go about their plan that in a war, the first casualty is the ease of my job.
Eli Attie is the former chief speechwriter to Vice President Al Gore and a co-producer of The West Wing.
We can all agree that Saddam Hussein's a bad guy. But last time I checked the U.N. charter, invasion of sovereign nations wasn't a popularity contest. There's a dangerous precedent here, and an even more dangerous distraction: Osama Bin Laden's still at large. The Taliban's back in Afghanistan. North Korea's openly threatening total war. Is Iraq really the biggest threat we face? Is it really worth enraging our allies, committing billions of dollars and thousands of lives? Saddam's villainy isn't enough. If there's a broader case to be made, this administration has yet to make it.
Spike Lee is the director most recently of 25th Hour.
Not in favor of war on Iraq. Bush is hoodwinking and bamboozling the American public.
Ben Karlin is co-executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.
Do I favor a U.S. invasion of Iraq? I am only in favor of war with Iraq if the entire affair takes place between the morning of February 21st and the evening of Sunday March 2nd. This is because The Daily Show will be on hiatus during this period, and, historically, massive loss of life has proven not conducive to producing a comedy news program. I would remind the president as he and his generals go about their plan that in a war, the first casualty is the ease of my job.
Eli Attie is the former chief speechwriter to Vice President Al Gore and a co-producer of The West Wing.
We can all agree that Saddam Hussein's a bad guy. But last time I checked the U.N. charter, invasion of sovereign nations wasn't a popularity contest. There's a dangerous precedent here, and an even more dangerous distraction: Osama Bin Laden's still at large. The Taliban's back in Afghanistan. North Korea's openly threatening total war. Is Iraq really the biggest threat we face? Is it really worth enraging our allies, committing billions of dollars and thousands of lives? Saddam's villainy isn't enough. If there's a broader case to be made, this administration has yet to make it.
febrero 19, 2003
this weekend was really interesting and good. for one because of the damn snow it started when i left for boston on thrusday and didnt end until today when i went to class. It was nice to get 2 days off because of the snow. umm lets do a run down of the weekend:
* I got to see Andy
* I saw the Vagina Monologues on Friday at UMass Boston, w/Andy and it was a great show. I wish i could have seen it at Moho but oh well
* All my good friends showed up on Saturday and we went to the mall.
* I bought the best stuff from Kiehl's, that made me super happy
* Watched Anna get made over by the MAC ppl
* Got dressed
* Got beautiful flowers and card from Andy
* Began the pre-drinking
* Took an insane amount of pictures with friends
* Got to the dinner table and between 5 ppl killed a large bottle of white wine
* The salad came out and we began drinking bad red wine out of a box
* This guy started singing a Boys to Men song and it was both amusing and awkward and I distinctly remember chugging 2 things of wine thru it, and i remember looking at my glass....
and then after that it gets really fuzzy. I remember people screaming at me, someone picking me up, people restraining me, wanting to get out of my icky dress, and really nothing. I dont remember much, just the damn spinning that at first was fun but then made me want to cry/kill myself to make it stop. I came to around 3ish and the left side of my head really hurt, it seems that i banged my head against the toilet. It still hurts. I took a shower around 4ish, and went to bed around 5ish. I woke up at 9:42am and the spinning had calmed down to a gentle rocking which i could live with. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the damage that I had done the day before and apologizing. No one really knows how much I had to drink, I think there were many places where it all went wrong though. Like how I started drinking before everyone else did. Before I even got to the table I was at 3 drinks. Then the white wine began and there was something about a team when the red wine came out, and it was at that point that I realized it was highly unlikely that i would be able to hold a liter of wine in my body. I dont think I'll be doing that again any time soon, or ever again, either one. It really sucks to wake up the next day having pissed off one of ur great friends, and not being able to remember what exactly u did.
Sunday night I had a yummy Thai dinner and got my present from Andy which was perfect. I left the next morning at 8am right when it was starting to snow. It didnt stop snowing until Tuesday, so everything that i had was canceled. I was really upset because I could have stayed in Boston an extra day. Its now Wednesday and I'm starting to get sick, but its just a cold so I should survive.
* I got to see Andy
* I saw the Vagina Monologues on Friday at UMass Boston, w/Andy and it was a great show. I wish i could have seen it at Moho but oh well
* All my good friends showed up on Saturday and we went to the mall.
* I bought the best stuff from Kiehl's, that made me super happy
* Watched Anna get made over by the MAC ppl
* Got dressed
* Got beautiful flowers and card from Andy
* Began the pre-drinking
* Took an insane amount of pictures with friends
* Got to the dinner table and between 5 ppl killed a large bottle of white wine
* The salad came out and we began drinking bad red wine out of a box
* This guy started singing a Boys to Men song and it was both amusing and awkward and I distinctly remember chugging 2 things of wine thru it, and i remember looking at my glass....
and then after that it gets really fuzzy. I remember people screaming at me, someone picking me up, people restraining me, wanting to get out of my icky dress, and really nothing. I dont remember much, just the damn spinning that at first was fun but then made me want to cry/kill myself to make it stop. I came to around 3ish and the left side of my head really hurt, it seems that i banged my head against the toilet. It still hurts. I took a shower around 4ish, and went to bed around 5ish. I woke up at 9:42am and the spinning had calmed down to a gentle rocking which i could live with. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the damage that I had done the day before and apologizing. No one really knows how much I had to drink, I think there were many places where it all went wrong though. Like how I started drinking before everyone else did. Before I even got to the table I was at 3 drinks. Then the white wine began and there was something about a team when the red wine came out, and it was at that point that I realized it was highly unlikely that i would be able to hold a liter of wine in my body. I dont think I'll be doing that again any time soon, or ever again, either one. It really sucks to wake up the next day having pissed off one of ur great friends, and not being able to remember what exactly u did.
Sunday night I had a yummy Thai dinner and got my present from Andy which was perfect. I left the next morning at 8am right when it was starting to snow. It didnt stop snowing until Tuesday, so everything that i had was canceled. I was really upset because I could have stayed in Boston an extra day. Its now Wednesday and I'm starting to get sick, but its just a cold so I should survive.
febrero 13, 2003
-how am i doing?
-Amazingly thanks for asking.
today is a great day. i get to see andy, which is always a treat, but more importantly today is the day that my mother got her test back and learned that its over. No more cancer, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctors, and no more test.
today is a beautiful day.
-Amazingly thanks for asking.
today is a great day. i get to see andy, which is always a treat, but more importantly today is the day that my mother got her test back and learned that its over. No more cancer, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctors, and no more test.
today is a beautiful day.
febrero 11, 2003
i'm really tired. I really should have done my work last weekend, but I didnt really think it was that much, but now it feels like a lot. I just had too much fun being really silly with my friends. the work will get done though, and if it doesnt its not going to kill me.
i took my very first stats quiz this morning at 9am. Its been 2 yrs since i've even looked at math, so i feel pretty good about it. Big lectures kinda freak me out, and when it feels like everyone is finishing before me it just starts to mess with my mind. This semester is really interesting, its like a class with 7 people and one with about 50, which is a lot for this school. I'm much more comfortable in the one with 7. But i dont think i'll ever ask a question in my lecture class, mostly because i feel its a waste of everyone elses time. Like today there was this girl who gives off a very strong home-schooled vibe and everyone was just looking at her like "what the hell are you talking about?" i vaguely felt bad for her. and then i just wanted her to stop talking about the damn graph because she was eating up my class time. ok enough rambling, back to work i go.
i took my very first stats quiz this morning at 9am. Its been 2 yrs since i've even looked at math, so i feel pretty good about it. Big lectures kinda freak me out, and when it feels like everyone is finishing before me it just starts to mess with my mind. This semester is really interesting, its like a class with 7 people and one with about 50, which is a lot for this school. I'm much more comfortable in the one with 7. But i dont think i'll ever ask a question in my lecture class, mostly because i feel its a waste of everyone elses time. Like today there was this girl who gives off a very strong home-schooled vibe and everyone was just looking at her like "what the hell are you talking about?" i vaguely felt bad for her. and then i just wanted her to stop talking about the damn graph because she was eating up my class time. ok enough rambling, back to work i go.
febrero 09, 2003
I had an odd night last night. I've had an odd week. I've had an odd life. I had a really intense conversation with andy last night, probably everywhere in the spectrum of human emotion was reached in the span of about 4-5hrs....love, fear, anger, frustration, joy, sadness, regret, jealousy...it was all there. We have very intense conversations sometimes, we both have really bad tempers, quick to get angry, quick to apologize. Very proud stubborn people. Somedays you wonder if its going to work. Others you realize that it already has. I realized last night how badly it is that i want it to work between us, how i see it all fitting into place and just working but not just functioning but triving between two people who could really destroy one another. It wouldnt even take that much to be crumpled into a thousand little pieces. It makes you really afraid when u realized how easily you could be destroyed.
We talked about so much last night, and we touched on the subject of my parents and its always so hard trying to explain what I feel for them. How those feelings evolved, how I wish things were different. How I wish things had been different. How much I love them now, and how much I hated them then. How those two feelings can coexist in a person. Everyone has difficult times with their parents though, at some point or another even if its just for a fleeting moment. That bond between parent and child, that relationship is so different than anything else in our lives. I just keep thinking of what it took for me to change my feelings, what it took for me to see my parents in a different way. What it took to forgive and move on. Life is funny that way.
We talked about so much last night, and we touched on the subject of my parents and its always so hard trying to explain what I feel for them. How those feelings evolved, how I wish things were different. How I wish things had been different. How much I love them now, and how much I hated them then. How those two feelings can coexist in a person. Everyone has difficult times with their parents though, at some point or another even if its just for a fleeting moment. That bond between parent and child, that relationship is so different than anything else in our lives. I just keep thinking of what it took for me to change my feelings, what it took for me to see my parents in a different way. What it took to forgive and move on. Life is funny that way.
febrero 07, 2003
i spent $260 on books today. That just puts a damper on any day. Thats really going to hurt when the bill comes. Me and crazy anna were supposed to go to the mall today, but the van was cancelled. So anna doesnt have a dress for the formal next week yet, but thats ok. I've had a pretty good day today. We dyed my hair this morning, it at first looked awful like i had just bleached my hair and it was going to break off, but then i dried it and it looks really nice now, like i had just spent some time in the sun. or something. and then we spent a good hour or so just laughing about boys and how silly they are and how we justify them to other ppl. It was a really good conversation.
Oh yea, when i saw the snow this morning i was just pissed. I just sat there and cursed at the snow for a while and then went into anna's rm to bitch about it. I really have nothing to say today, my life is a little pathetic today, but my hair looks really good, so its ok.
Oh yea, when i saw the snow this morning i was just pissed. I just sat there and cursed at the snow for a while and then went into anna's rm to bitch about it. I really have nothing to say today, my life is a little pathetic today, but my hair looks really good, so its ok.
febrero 02, 2003
i was in boston all last week and it was amazing. i skipped the first two days of class. at this point i have one class that i'm taking for sure on my schedule, one that i might take, and one that there is no way in hell that i am taking (a gym that meets at 8:30am, what was i thinking?) Getting to see andy everyday was amazing and reassuring. when u date someone long distance theres always that feeling that maybe y'all dont really get along bc u dont see each other regularly, and that maybe he secretly hates you. but getting to just do nothing for a week was just what i needed and then some. i wasnt so happy to be back when i got here and now i feel better, and much more certain of what i want to do with my life this semester. i'm tired of just studying economics. so i wont be taking 2 econ classes at umass bc having an entire day of economics from 9am to 4pm just disgusted me.
ummm i messed up my back while i was at andy's though. like fucked it up. like when i sit for too long i cant walk. i basically fell off his loft bed and landed in some crates. there is now a highly attractive bruise on my thigh from the impact of my body against the crates. the best part is its a straight line and has little dimples or something from the pattern of the crates. if i had a digital camera i would take a picture. the funny thing is i dont believe in chiropractors, i just think their a bunch of phonies, so i dont know what i'll do if it doesnt get better soon.
i also moved my room around. it feels so much better, i have like a reading space now with my new chair which is highly exciting. oh and i went to the gym today which is amazing bc i'm not a gym girl. and i went to north hampton on friday with crazy anna and got andy a wonderful valentine's day card. i'm feeling really into valentines day lately. i just really like how cheesy a holiday it really is.
ummm i messed up my back while i was at andy's though. like fucked it up. like when i sit for too long i cant walk. i basically fell off his loft bed and landed in some crates. there is now a highly attractive bruise on my thigh from the impact of my body against the crates. the best part is its a straight line and has little dimples or something from the pattern of the crates. if i had a digital camera i would take a picture. the funny thing is i dont believe in chiropractors, i just think their a bunch of phonies, so i dont know what i'll do if it doesnt get better soon.
i also moved my room around. it feels so much better, i have like a reading space now with my new chair which is highly exciting. oh and i went to the gym today which is amazing bc i'm not a gym girl. and i went to north hampton on friday with crazy anna and got andy a wonderful valentine's day card. i'm feeling really into valentines day lately. i just really like how cheesy a holiday it really is.
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