i'm going to dallas in 8 days, 8 days! wooohoo!

so now i'm home...and its like "i dont remember my house looking like this..." and then i felt like shit....which is the best way to put it...like my room wasnt the way i remembered it and it doesnt feel like home...my mom has her own place, my dad has his own place, my brother has his own space back is Mass, and i dont really know where i belong...so i got home and i cleaned...i washed the dog, i vacummed, i hung my stuff up, i threw out papers i dont need anymore, i cleaned the bathroom, and it feels a little better...i got up this morning and i was like "well its better than being in the dorm...my bed doesnt smell like me anymore...now the new countdown begins until i get to go to dallas, and then after that until i get to go back to my dorm...i dont have a place...

I'm saying goodbye to my computer....so sad....a whole month apart....so sad

my head hurts from all the not eating....i cant wait to go home so i can eat...

i'm still here...i havent gone crazy though...this random guy keeps calling me, i like gave him my number at like the beginning of the yr cause he seemed cool u know? and not weird...and months have passed and he randomly calls me and ask me to go out with him...and i'm like i dont wanna go out with u weird guy get the hint...so now i'm not answering my phone...i'm so close to being home....packing is going pretty well I keep having internal arguments with myself over whether i should bring a shirt or not...I'm like do I need this shirt, can i live without this shirt...I'm weird and i have too many clothes...

ok, so i think i'm gonna go crazy, theres no one left and i'm all alone...its the last time i'm ever staying here this long.....and i dont wanna pack because once i do that theres nothing left to do....i cant sleep i cant concentrate theres no dinner being served tonight and i'm gonnna die!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhh....i wanna go home!

i waaaaaaaaaaaannnnna go home!!!!!

why am i still here? i should be home...i wanna be home in my bed asleep...i miss home...tomorrow i'll be home

i went to boston yesterday....yea i have finals, yea i hadnt gone to sleep the night before, but oh well, i wanted to see the boy...it was really great, i completly just needed that...i will now cram in like tons of italian before taking the exam tonight...then i shall sleep....i wish i was leaving earlier, but oh well....cant wait to sleep in my own bed...

family. what is that? some days i really sit here and just wonder that...maybe because i don't really know mine, because i know there's this huge chunk of people who are just wonderful and special like me and the reason ppl tell me that they've never met anyone else like me is because all the abad's and maz's are still in Colombia...i don't know. what i do know is that i'm thankful for the disfunction one that i have. someone who i didn't know lost their father during the weekend, i met the girl once or twice, a friend of a really great friend of mine here...and i just thought about my brother and my mom and my dad, and how it all doesn't really just work just right...and then i realized that it didn't matter. i have them, and i know who they are. and i know where they live and they are alive. i'm not gonna judge them or distance myself from them. i am my mother's daughter, my father's little girl, my brother's annoying little sister. that would be me. i used to miss the way things were before...and as i'm staring at the screen telling the void what i'm feeling its hit me that i'm lucky (and i don't believe in luck) my family works in its own way. and that's what i'm gonna focus on. not all the stuff that's gone bad, but all the little things that have gone right...its all about the little things....

some days i wake up and everything is just good...actually better than good Its great, its all about getting a really good nights rest or good mornings rest in my case since I go to sleep when the sun comes up at 6:30am....thats ok though cause the other jes on my floor came in and woke me up at 11:30am to ask me if i wanted to get some breakfast...and when you've has just a really great conversation the night/morning before the day just starts off perfectly...and then i even get along with kim, and hold a conversation with her about how the phone rings at 2am and it doesnt wake her up, and me talking on the phone doesnt wake her up either....some days things just start off well...this is just one of those days, and yea....i'm gonna get something done today, i can feel it...

once again nothing productive done...blah...thats ok though i got to talk to the boy....always enjoy talking to the boy..

I've done absolutely nothing productive today....oh well I have only 1 final...so I'm fine...

so lets talk about yesterday...yesterday was a really good day, like it just was. I had a lot of really good conversations, I had my last practice for cheerleading, I got to dance alot, and i got to play lots with my friends....i scared the crap out of one of them, and that was a lot of fun...it was just overall alot of good stuff yesterday. It was the last day of classes for me, and I decided I'm gonna do an independent study next yr with my econ proffessor and that should be really good for me. I'm really excited about it....oh right ok. so we had a dance yesterday, and it was like "wear anything but clothes" so like these people were there in like seran wrap and caution tape, and towels etc....and like i saw much more ass than i needed to see...i had a lot of fun, probably cause i was sober and i just felt like having a good time. I've decided that I attract old guys...that are like at least a foot taller than me and are just plain creepy...any guy who ever tries to dance with me is just creepy...all of the guys there were U-Mass boys anyways, so all of them qualify under that....i dunno just random stuff

did anyone realize that tomorrow is Thursday? 'cause i sure didnt...my italian prof. was like "yea the oral presentations are tomorrow" and i was like "wait didnt she say they were on thrusday?", and my neighboor is like "tomorrow is thrusday" and i said "fuck."

u know when u are really friends with someone when they know ur last name...especially in college where no one ever uses ur last name...if they know ur full name thats just an added bonus, unless u happened to be named like Michael Jahn or something where ur full name is the only thing ppl call u anyways...

so my day: I got 12hrs off sleep cause i have "optional classes" which to me means reward urself for being good and get some rest..after that i had some italian...nothing too special...then some down time in the library, where girls were talking and socializing...then at practice i got sent to the corner again cause i'm a bad cheerleader bc i'm afraid of heights and cant get my mind to go dumb when i'm off the ground...then some improv where girls were in their undies and i know i saw nipple and ass that i didnt wanna see, it was good stuff though (although sometimes i was just laughing at them)...and then i painted some gingerbread cookies.....good stuff...and then there was yatta, which is the funniest thing in the world...ahhh good days are rare but good....

my room has a smell again. its not me...and its really bothering me....euuuw.....smellls like poooooo....ok not really but its pretty bad...euk...

I'm all about the Moldy Peaches...u should be too

all my friends have papers, and I'm done with mine....and i wanna play, but theres no one to play with.....so sad....

so i stole a chair from the attic today. First off this dorm is like 100yrs old and the attic is creepy and I doubt we're supposed to be up there. But anywho, I tried the door and it worked and it was great. I have this really cool chair from like the 50's or something. Its like aqua, and I feel like captain kirk in it. But thats cool.

for finals my school does like really nice things for us, like give us food, and facials, and back massages. Good stuff. oh right and they're free...ahhh...i pay this much money to be feed and given facials and cool chairs.

my roommate and I are 2 different species of people. i wish there was a way i could not live with her....sigh*

I'd like to kiss you. (not you-english is so easy with its plural "you" forms....ahhh i hate italian)

this is the smartest thing ever written by a guy:

What is it about flowers that women like so much? It's simple. Women like to have evidence that you thought of them. Flowers are evidence. Simple.


****
i've always said i was simple

I think my roomate dislikes my going to bed at like 4 in the morning. I actually go to bed here earlier than I ever did I home. Like I normally go to bed like 12 ish...at home if I went to bed at 1 ish it was early....and I woke her up at like 5 when i got in bed too....it was funny....ahh she hates me too....

i'm gonna miss my computer when i go home.....sad

bad music is fun.

ahhh being done with a paper feels good. maybe i should do my work on time.....or not.

woohoo! sleepy time! only need to get re-read my paper in like 2 hrs when I wake up from my nap/sleep, and then I can print it and have someone else read it and tell me how its not in english and have about 12million grammatical errors. If Brienzo had just taught me grammar instead of trying to Brainwash me I would be fine right now. I'd also be asleep.

snow has to be one of the most beautiful things that I've seen. Its magical, its like my mind is trying to figure out what it is and it just cant grasp the concept of it. Its like I'm looking out my window and its like I'm in a fairy tale, like I'm outside of the book looking in....amazing. like I havent gone to bed yet, and its like 6 in the morning, and the sun is starting to come out, and theres all this snow on the ground, and this is not the way its supposed to be at all....I cant even describe it....I think its all for me

blah, brain wont function.....i wanna go play...

i've reached the gross stage of my writing...i'm mixin espresso beans with grape jollyranchers....my mouth has never tasted anything so sickening....euuuw....i wanna finish this stupid paper......

will kill roommate...

cant write paper, w/roommate on f*ck*ng phone...cant do it...must kill rommate....

my wisdom teeth are coming in, i cant feel my middle finger on my left had, my I think I have strep throat, above my eyebrow on my left side is all tender/bruised, my body more sore than a mother, and my brain no longer wants to work...i think the universe is conspiring to do me...(minus the jelly, and they didnt ask...)

15 days and I'm home....why's that a week after everyone else? bc I'm staying for all of January! I dont think I'm gonna be so thrilled about that when I'm home...damn I'm hungry....

self scheduled exams...how cool is that? I'll tell u. It means that I dont have to take my italian final (my only final) until I damn well feel like it. U know what that means? It means I have 11 complete days to study italian. Like thats the only thing I have to do (and pack) amazing! and theres different times during the day I can take my exam at. Which means I can take my exam at 3 different times during day, depending on the one that makes me the most comfortable. I will never again have a semester like this, so I better enjoy it...

my wisdom teeth are coming in...they hurt....
and I'm getting sick....
and I dont wanna do italian.....

theres no way I can get any work done in this dorm. Like I went to go help Anna with something, and then I came back like 2 hrs later...what the hell is that? everyone is in such a weird mood though, its really great. good times.

I got sent to the corner today in practice. It was pretty funny. Cause I couldnt stand up in the mount (its a liberty)...I had to practice standing on a chair in the back of the gym...I couldnt stop laughing.

Someone also fell on me. So like now I got this cool looking bump like right above my eye. That was also funny.

Oh oh! and I got to base today, which means that I was helping ppl get up.

and there was more ass grabbing during practice.

all in all a great practice

it feels really good to walk around campus and know people. Like u hear ur name being called, and its actually for u.

Global warming is a good thing
Its 65 degrees and its Dec 6th!
woohoo! I'm wearing my halter and some flip flops outside!
and the peasants rejoice!

i miss you

49 days, 49 days....lalalala

one of those things that I really love: when u set ur alarm, but it doesnt wake u up.

or when ur roommate is so freaking loud in the mornings that it wakes u up, but u get to the point where she doesnt anymore, and then u sleep thru ur classes.

I'm getting sick. I can feel it. I cant be sick right now....no good can come from this.

i like helping people. It makes me feel smart. I do all the right things for all the wrong reasons. I think thats my motto. Now all I need is a theme song.

right so, yea. I'm still not done with this damn paper. He like has all these stupid comments on my paper. Like 'try this on for size," and I'm thinking that I dont appreciate the tone of his notes. I start getting like really offended when he substitutes verbs and stuff, and then I'm like "he means well." To like calm myself down. I dont wanna look at this paper ever again. I really dont. We like underlines sentences and puts little checks by them, like "ohh good finally u got the word order right, have a gold star" or at least thats how I'm reading it. Blah to school.

blah, I have to re-write a paper of mine for caribbean lit, which wouldnt be so bad except for the fact that my prof had like a field day with my paper, like substituting words and like re-writing all of my sentences. To say the least its a bitch to go thru all this stuff, and re-type my sentences so that I sound like him...irritating. Anywho. blah to school. I wanna go home, and get clean. and have my own room. and not have to think.

The radio is all static -- like the sound of the crunching metal of a car; the faint, blurry voice on the airwaves her own, trapped inside a wreck, calling for help. In English or Spanish? she wonders. That poet she met at Lucinda's party the night before argued that no matter how much of it one lost, in the midst of some profound emotion, one would revert to one's mother. What language, he asked, looking pointedly into her eyes, did she love in?
--How the Garcia Girls Lost their Accents

Here's my horoscope for today:

Changes in your home environment are likely. Try to be patient and understanding. Don't let your health suffer because of worry. Talk to someone you trust.

.....someone I trust huh....interesting....yea I'm not gonna bother thinking about how few ppl there are that i actually trust....

i didnt get into a drawing class that I really wanted to get into. I mean the class was gonna make me its bitch...I already knew that, and its for the best that I dont take it, but at the same time its like....I really wanted to take it...makes me sad...oh well, there's next yr....sad...

and the day just gets better, cheerleading practice is cancelled and I am done with economics....kinda sucks that I'm going home on sunday, when my last day of finals is probably gonna be monday.....I'm starting to wonder what I'm gonna take back with me for my month long vacation from school.....

woohoo! look at me not having a final for my philosophy/religion class! I have an optional research paper. SCORE! ok...must shower.....

in thinking about my disclaimer I've decided to add this: I am demanding. I just am, I'm specifically demanding about ppl. and I'm admitting to this once, I am difficult. But i dont think I really am. I am but I'm not, and if u understand that then u should be proud of urself. My roommate is not one that I would have chosen, bc I just wouldnt of. bc she is so different from me, but shes different in a way where its like, I dont wanna be like that. but while I'm still gonna continue my bitching and moaning about her, (bc I think its damn funny/disturbing the things she does sometimes) i will say this. she means well. and if I dint live with her, i dont think i'd dislike her so much. but i do. and she has reasons to dislike me, bc y'all know how I am when I decide to bitch and to be a bitch about things. but yea...my point is that I'm human, and I'm gonna write about things the way that I remember them, which may not be the way that they actually happened, but oh well...

u know what, i was considering placing a disclaimer on this stuff, bc the more i think about it the more i dont want my feelings to start shit, u know? like sometimes the way that i feel about certain things may very well piss ppl off. Mostly ppl who I dont really get along with. which makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing at a women's college...like what am I learning here really? that u have to play nice, and get along with everyone? what am I learning from this? to be nicer...mb i'm just really angry and i never realized it...charles always told me I was bitter...mb. it could be. enough shit has happen where I am pretty cynical about alot of stuff. but i dont know, it almost feels sureal here. like i dont belong bc i like to tell ppl things that they dont wanna hear. bc i dont play nice all the time. i feel awkward...but i think everyine does at one point or another...i dont know. i just dont feel like i have a solid foot on the ground. i kinda feel like i dont know what gonna happen next...but really who does?

sometimes, i dont get it here...i really dont. girls are confusing and sometimes i just think i wanna go home...i like see ppl not doing work and its like "when do u work? are we going to the same school?" and i get kinda frustrated...i think i need the perspective of going home again to kinda see how things really are. like where everything stands....i have a month at home to figure myself out...i'll see what i come up with, bc I can already tell that the next 3 wks are gonna fly by....

its funny watching guys at my school. first if theres a guy there, you know he belongs to someone else, you know this bc the girl is always right next to him. normally holding on to him, and not letting him go. Guys feel uncomfortable here, probably bc we refer to all boyfriends as "the boy." collectively like they're all one and the same. ahhh....the joys of a womens college

I had a really great weekend with the boy. I put off all my work, and did absolutely nothing all weekend. It was great. I think I should drop out of school and do nothing. Wait nevermind, now that I think about it I dont want to be like Edgar (hehe! sorry edgar but i had to)...anyways, there was a lot of fun happenings with the boy during the weekend. I kicked my roomate out of the room, when my roommate was there the boy agreed that Kim is a troll, and is annoying. Although she is a nice annoying since she at least tried to behave herself all weekend. ummm I supposedly held the boy hostage since he managed to miss every bus out of western mass. on Sunday. Although I do not agree with that in the slightest, since I have never had to force anyone to stay with me.....wait......no never. so yea...good weekend. actually no, very good weekend. I need more weekends like that.....now to force myself to do work.....euw