Why aren't I in Texas?

I've been asking myself this since I started packing my bags and getting ready to leave again for mass, with everytime i leave it gets harder and harder to go, which is ass backwards since it should just get easier for me to leave, but its just getting harder. Everytime I go home its just more fun than the last time, and I just love having alesh in my life like this and getting to hang out with kassady and having her call my name and kiss me just stole my heart. i know why i'm here and then i dont... summer has just been so odd, and everything has just kept turning itself over and i dont know whats going to happen next. all i know is that i wish i was in texas sorting my feelings out... i dont know whats going to happen next and i dont know what i want.

everytime i go home i feel so much like myself and so damn happy, and then i get back here and i feel like i left my soul in texas like i go thru the motions but i havent found my place here bc my place is in texas with the people i love and the new people that i'm starting to love. i just feel like i'm living split lives that have nothing to do with one another. i wish i could just get ppl to move with me or that i could commute in from texas...or something. oh that and i'd kill someone for a whopper right now. seriously.

"wait so why arent we in jail right now?"

yea so my week in Houston went by in a blur punctuated by a night out on Saturday that I vaguely remember, so I must have had some fun. I worked that day at astroworld working security for the Kumbia Kings concert basically being a bitch and telling ppl they couldnt come in with video cameras. They loved me. I also saw more hootched out 12 year olds than I needed to see, I was just thinking the whole night "your mother let you out of the house looking like that?" like my mom would have kicked my ass if she saw me looking like a prostitute at 11, when your 20 you earn the right to look like a hooker and you can wear whatever you want to pull off but in the pre-teens come on now, you dont even have anything to show off. oh and i saw plenty of unattractive ppl so that made me feel much prettier, bc it just simply reminded me what normal people look like, and I felt bad for them.

So after standing for 6 hrs straight I knew that I deserved a drink, and so we all (alesh, kenneth, some friends of kenneth, alesh' cousin, and me) went out to a club first and then we stopped at a gas station bought some beer and since I dont drink beer some smirnoff triple black for myself, and then went to some party in the warehouse district, where i was i dont know, but the music was good and loud and i had a bunch of fun being a goof with alesh' and company. After that things get fuzzy. I have no concept of how much time i actually spent there, but i do know that by the end of our time there alesh had decided that I was not going home like that, and I think i agreed. what proceeded next was the longest and most drunken drive of my life. I think i tried to jump out of the car at least 4 times. I managed to escape from the car though only like twice...actually no more than that...the most memorable one/least memorable one was when she parked the car in a parking lot bc i guess they were afraid i was gonna get out while the car was in motion and i just layed down on the parking lot floor and shut my eyes and then next thing i knew there were two cop cars and i was like "oh shit, i'm going to jail now" but tre and alesh talked to them and then one of the cops asked me some questions and then we were on our way. with the amount of open containers and various other things in the car i really should have been in jail...my mom would have loved that.

ummm finally we got to alesh' and i took a really cold shower and tried to sleep but the room was spinning so hard and alesh made me eat toast and it was really gross. then we called my mom so she wouldnt freak out and i drunkenly told her i wasnt coming home and she was pretty calm about it. and then it was the next day. that was my night. or as much as i can remember. the end.

malls + kids= not fun

Going shopping with a two year old is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Its just really tiring and you dont really get to do any real shopping, so that was a bust. But kassady is just really fun to be around minus her busting up my lip with her head and trying to poke my eye out, oh and thinking that my breast are drums and banging at them while i'm carrying her. other than that it was really fun.

my birthday was yesterday and it was really fun. american airlines lost my bags and told me they would arrive at 5pm and they didnt even show up until 2am. I really should have just checked the bag...eh at least now i know. but i got to hang out with brent and steven and that was just really fun we ate yummy food with my folks and then my mom showed up with the cake and we ate cake. oh and i got really really pretty flowers from andy. so it was a very good day.

home bound

I love Texas, but in order to love it I had to run the hell away from it and everything else that I had there. Going home is always so sweet now, its just the best and i'm so excited about seeing my parents and just being home. I think thats the best thing that I can have for my birthday is just to be home for it. So at 4am tomorrow my journey home will begin and i cannot wait to have an amazing carne asada.

I'm so excited to finally be 20! I just feel so good at where I am right now. now if only the dreams would stop being so weird. oh well, at least their interesting.

i'm in love!

"Spa treatments are expensive but you know what's more expensive? divorce"

okay this stuff is gold. just pure and simple gold. what these guys can do is just simply amazing. and its funny too. ohh cant really say enough about this show, just watch it and learn and laugh. love gay men, just love them.


oh and i even had burger king for dinner which was soooo good. so today rocked. yay!

wishes

i found myself wishing for a lot of different things today, that my mother had never gotten cancer in the first place, that i hadnt gotten so drunk that i ruined a great friendship, that i had more money, that i was taller, that the neon's ac actually worked, that my hair behaved the way i want it to, that i had never met luis, that i had never met jon (not my brother a different jon), that i was closer to my brother....you get the point. I caught myself wishing that I had nicer skin and I stopped, and decided to be thankful instead because I have been blessed even if it doesnt seem like it sometimes. I get really tired of having ppl pity whats happened to me in my life, bc I dont feel sorry for myself so why should they. I'm thankful that I was born as smart and stubborn as I am, I'm thankful that my parents love me as much as they do, I'm thankful that I have some amazing friends that I carry with me in my heart where ever I go, I'm thankful that i wasnt an only child and that my parents stayed together for as long as they did, I'm thankful that my bro was kind enough to let me have the car for this long, i'm thankful that i met gabe and have such a fun job, and i'm most thankful that I'm at this school. theres tons of things that i can wish for that I know i'll never have, I'll never be on the cover of vogue or cosmo, i'll never be a sumo wrestler, or vegas showgirl, i'll never be president of the US (but i dont think i want the job anymore), i'll never have a trust fund, and i'll never be a singer or an actress, but i dont think thats a bad thing it just narrows down all the possible dreams to all the things that i really could do, like be on jeopardy, get a phd, write a book, have my own little stationary store, own a museum, travel, live on my own, and get a law degree... all these things are very possible.

I was talking with Gabe the other day and we started talking about alternate universes and he mentioned this theory that he had when he was little that boiled down to wondering whether we really had a true choice in life or if there was no choice at all, and i told him that i believed that there was always a choice, even if sometimes we feel theres no choice at all. then we started talking about alternate universes and how it was possible that we have lived everyone of our choices in a different alternate universe, and i liked this idea bc it created a real freedom for me, like we had ultimate choice bc we got to choose everything. i like that idea bc then theres no regret, bc in some alternate universe you already did whatever it is that you might regret not having done.

i had the most normal day today, i went shopping at old navy and bought a really cute skirt and some wonderful flip flops and a really belt thing. it was nice bc i havent been shopping in a while, so that was just nice to be able to go somewhere by myself without having to get anyone to get me a ride. i went to stapples and tried to find my planner but they didnt have the one that i like so it was a no go kind of thing. i was sad but i still looked around the store, so that was okay. umm lets see i dont know my way around here since i've never driven around here on my own, so it took me a while to find where the staples was and the thing is that its all country driving like where theres trackers coming out of nowhere and farms and stuff. i'm used to city driving. but it was fun, and so incredibly nice to have a car (yay for cars, thanks jonathan!)

fear

when i was a little girl i was terrified that my father would die. so much so that i would have nightmares of it, but they were odd childhood nightmares where this tiny woman was out to murder my father by driving him crazy and the most frightening part of the dream was just waking up and not being able to save him. i still have nightmares of my father dying, they've only gotten worse and more brutal with age. i would sit for hours when i was not quite so little but much younger than i am now, and think about what i would do if something did happen to my father, i think it was my way to try to gain some control over the fear. i'm afraid of a lot of things actually, i'm afraid of the dark and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. its not so much the dark that scares me its what my mind puts in there. To this day I will have to be in my bed with the covers half on before i turn off all the lights, and even then i have to put the covers over my face right after i do it. i'm afraid of a lot of things, ants, heights, midgets, clowns, drowing, being alone, certain paterns really creep me out too like mold or the way rust kinda bubbles over sometimes, or burns, like just thinking about it now i'm getting goosebumps, and really wondering why i'm sharing this since its a little weird. well i remember the point is i'm afraid of a lot of things, but above everything i'm afraid of losing my parents. but its bound to happen at some point, so theres no point in really thinking about it, or worrying about it, and i'd much rather have it so that they would die before me bc i think my parents world would just collapse if that happened.

are you strong enough to be my man?

i think I've attempted to talk every single man that ever felt something for me out of liking me. well not every single one of them, but the major ones at least, and some of the minor ones too. i just dont have the best track record with men, well its not in their best interest thats a better way to put it. i just think i'm too much of a romantic, too much of a dreamer to really ever be satisfied. is that so bad really....eh i dont really know. i just know that i'm tired of hurting ppl just bc i want more than they can humanly give me. or bc the timing isnt right, or theres too many miles between us.

theres all these little kids running around campus for some sort of camp for "gifted" children and these kids are the same size as me, and i just keep looking at them and i just feel so damn thankful that I'm not 9 anymore or 12 or 14 or any of those other awful ages, i remember telling myself that i only had 8 more yrs to go and then i'd be free to move the hell out of my house and go to college, like that was my mantra. and now i'm here. and i'm so thankful. i dont wanna get married i dont want any kids running around, i dont want a house in the suburbs i just want to rejoice in the fact that in 12 days i'll be 20! and not married with no kids! woohoo!

i'm rhambling now...but not really, i'm just so thankful for where i am, and that i've managed to not fuck up my life so far although i've tried. like its just really funny when i start thinking of how many times i could have been married and divorced by now. i'm just so thankful things ended when they did. i'm just happy for where i am. thats it. and that i dont really think i've found anyone who can really contain me...but thats not a bad thing.

jessica vs the ants

i hate ants, so of course a few of them decided to move in while i was away in Boston. So I cleaned everything and then bleached it and i thought that they would just go away. They didnt. Then I started being insanely careful about where I ate making sure that if a crumb fell anywhere on the floor i would immediately clean it up. But even with no food the ants would not go away. then i read something about ants hating baby powder so i sprinkled it everywhere they could possibly be, it seems to be working. like after i sprayed them i saw like 7 ants that seemed upset and they did not seem to enjoy the baby powder raining down on them. so i went to bed feeling relieved that they were finally going to go away. But i think they just went on the offensive bc something bit me and i think it was an ant, so then i couldnt sleep so now i'm sleep deprived, itchy bc of the damn ant bite, and afraid to eat anything bc of the ants. i cant wait to move into a new room so i can get some sleep...and be away from the ants.

just for Mr. Patterson

Cancer and Taurus

When Taurus and Cancer come together in a love affair, it's usually a very good combination. They are two positions apart within the Zodiac, and such Signs tend to share karmic ties and a deep mutual understanding. These particular two Signs have much in common: Both prize security in a love relationship above almost all else; both tend to be nurturers (Cancer is emotionally nurturing while Taurus loves to spoil their lover with sensual delights, gifts and good, rich meals). They're both quite domestic and love a quiet night spent at home with their sweetie.

The Taurus-Cancer partnership tends to be a happy one due to this mutual enjoyment of the security and comfort of home. They love a solid home base, a strong relationship, nice possessions, good food: all the comforts of domestic life. Theirs is often the ideal family that people of other Signs strive for, with strong ties between them and a relationship that is family-oriented rather than toward the outside world. Their only major problems arise when Taurus insists on having its own way and Cancer responds by sulking. Taurus must understand Cancer's emotional sensitivity, and Cancer needs rely on open, honest communication than on emotional blackmail.

Taurus is ruled by Venus (Love) and Cancer is ruled by the Moon (Emotions). Both of these celestial bodies vibrate with feminine energy. Cancer often keeps emotions bottled up and simmering inside, which can lead to occasional boil-overs. Thus, Cancer is attracted to Taurus's open, honest, unafraid nature. As the Moon controls the tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life, so does Cancer, manipulating behind the scenes. Cancer tends to be sentimental, and both partners prefer to enjoy each other rather than socializing with large groups.

Horoscopes rule

Cancer:

Trusting others makes you even more trustworthy. By assuming common ground, you save a lot of valuable time. All eyes follow the person with the best goodies. If you're serving, be sure there's enough to go around.