wishes

i found myself wishing for a lot of different things today, that my mother had never gotten cancer in the first place, that i hadnt gotten so drunk that i ruined a great friendship, that i had more money, that i was taller, that the neon's ac actually worked, that my hair behaved the way i want it to, that i had never met luis, that i had never met jon (not my brother a different jon), that i was closer to my brother....you get the point. I caught myself wishing that I had nicer skin and I stopped, and decided to be thankful instead because I have been blessed even if it doesnt seem like it sometimes. I get really tired of having ppl pity whats happened to me in my life, bc I dont feel sorry for myself so why should they. I'm thankful that I was born as smart and stubborn as I am, I'm thankful that my parents love me as much as they do, I'm thankful that I have some amazing friends that I carry with me in my heart where ever I go, I'm thankful that i wasnt an only child and that my parents stayed together for as long as they did, I'm thankful that my bro was kind enough to let me have the car for this long, i'm thankful that i met gabe and have such a fun job, and i'm most thankful that I'm at this school. theres tons of things that i can wish for that I know i'll never have, I'll never be on the cover of vogue or cosmo, i'll never be a sumo wrestler, or vegas showgirl, i'll never be president of the US (but i dont think i want the job anymore), i'll never have a trust fund, and i'll never be a singer or an actress, but i dont think thats a bad thing it just narrows down all the possible dreams to all the things that i really could do, like be on jeopardy, get a phd, write a book, have my own little stationary store, own a museum, travel, live on my own, and get a law degree... all these things are very possible.

I was talking with Gabe the other day and we started talking about alternate universes and he mentioned this theory that he had when he was little that boiled down to wondering whether we really had a true choice in life or if there was no choice at all, and i told him that i believed that there was always a choice, even if sometimes we feel theres no choice at all. then we started talking about alternate universes and how it was possible that we have lived everyone of our choices in a different alternate universe, and i liked this idea bc it created a real freedom for me, like we had ultimate choice bc we got to choose everything. i like that idea bc then theres no regret, bc in some alternate universe you already did whatever it is that you might regret not having done.