are you strong enough to be my man?

i think I've attempted to talk every single man that ever felt something for me out of liking me. well not every single one of them, but the major ones at least, and some of the minor ones too. i just dont have the best track record with men, well its not in their best interest thats a better way to put it. i just think i'm too much of a romantic, too much of a dreamer to really ever be satisfied. is that so bad really....eh i dont really know. i just know that i'm tired of hurting ppl just bc i want more than they can humanly give me. or bc the timing isnt right, or theres too many miles between us.

theres all these little kids running around campus for some sort of camp for "gifted" children and these kids are the same size as me, and i just keep looking at them and i just feel so damn thankful that I'm not 9 anymore or 12 or 14 or any of those other awful ages, i remember telling myself that i only had 8 more yrs to go and then i'd be free to move the hell out of my house and go to college, like that was my mantra. and now i'm here. and i'm so thankful. i dont wanna get married i dont want any kids running around, i dont want a house in the suburbs i just want to rejoice in the fact that in 12 days i'll be 20! and not married with no kids! woohoo!

i'm rhambling now...but not really, i'm just so thankful for where i am, and that i've managed to not fuck up my life so far although i've tried. like its just really funny when i start thinking of how many times i could have been married and divorced by now. i'm just so thankful things ended when they did. i'm just happy for where i am. thats it. and that i dont really think i've found anyone who can really contain me...but thats not a bad thing.