fear

when i was a little girl i was terrified that my father would die. so much so that i would have nightmares of it, but they were odd childhood nightmares where this tiny woman was out to murder my father by driving him crazy and the most frightening part of the dream was just waking up and not being able to save him. i still have nightmares of my father dying, they've only gotten worse and more brutal with age. i would sit for hours when i was not quite so little but much younger than i am now, and think about what i would do if something did happen to my father, i think it was my way to try to gain some control over the fear. i'm afraid of a lot of things actually, i'm afraid of the dark and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. its not so much the dark that scares me its what my mind puts in there. To this day I will have to be in my bed with the covers half on before i turn off all the lights, and even then i have to put the covers over my face right after i do it. i'm afraid of a lot of things, ants, heights, midgets, clowns, drowing, being alone, certain paterns really creep me out too like mold or the way rust kinda bubbles over sometimes, or burns, like just thinking about it now i'm getting goosebumps, and really wondering why i'm sharing this since its a little weird. well i remember the point is i'm afraid of a lot of things, but above everything i'm afraid of losing my parents. but its bound to happen at some point, so theres no point in really thinking about it, or worrying about it, and i'd much rather have it so that they would die before me bc i think my parents world would just collapse if that happened.