I think my school is teaching me to be nice, and I have a problem with this. The world isnt nice, it just isnt, but at the same time that they are telling us to voice our options and be strong during classes we spend alot of time just saying things like "no to disagree with you, but..." I sometimes just wanna hear someone go at it with someone else. Thats it. I think when people yell and really let their gut hang out then thats where u can realy start learning things, without things always being so polite, and nice.

I think my italian skills have gone out the window, it may have to do with the fact that I've stopped going to all my italian classes, because I no longer have the attention span to learn this language. Plus its screwing up my spanish and thats pissing me off.

slowly but surely this thing will be perfect.

i'm having a problem with making it to my early classes, it kinda plays into it that they're no longer exciting. So now for my next semester my classes dont start until 11, maybe then i'll be able to make it there in one piece. In other news my back is peeling, which I would think was gross but i dont because this time last year, (well actually this time next weekend) I was burning my body to a crisp. Y'all remember what I looked like, that was gross.

my wonderfully sweet andy is just great, he makes me laugh.

lets see if this thing works now...

um ok now this whole thing has gone to hell

this thing keeps bugging me

this thing keeps bugging me

i'm hungry

ok, maybe this will work now

i went to this breakdancing competition and that stuff is just amazing, and its really funny how i get up here and just realize how much really cool stuff was going on like in Houston. Like I made this girl go with me and she had never seen this stuff before, like she had never seen anything like that, and thats just sad. and they had a step team there and i just wasnt impressed, but when someone can spin on their head, i'm insanely impressed. but yea, after that the night just turned really sketch.

sometimes u just need a drink

yea so yes.

this godamn school doesnt have any ac, do u know what thats like in 90 degree weather? Its asking people to kill themselves thats what it is....damn them and their air conditioned houses down the street, auuuuggggh cant think i cant work like this i cant!

ok i really dont know what i did to this, and i really wanna figuare out how to fix it...

wow this thing hasnt been publishing for a while now...since tuesday i think...that really sucks...

so i get my ass up for my 8:35, i even called the boy to wake him up and then showered and then i went to my 8:35, no professor. I was pissed, i walked my butt over to class and he's not there. So I had some breakfast, and i was happy. so it all evened out, bc i was seriously considering missing his class for some breakfast.

this is just really annoying, i cant get this damn thing to post.

my friends are really cute

my skin still burns but no one knows of it bc this thing wont publish

why cant i publish? why? this is really sad, i have things i want people to hear and no one can hear me now...

alright so, my skin burns. oh now i remmeber what i was gonna write about, okay so its currently 86 degrees in western mass, its supposed to get up to the 90's. Now first of all these people dont have air conditioning, 2nd their not used to this kind of weather, and 3rd most of them only own one pair of shorts, these people are gonna die. Jawilliams said something to me this morning about how it was gonna get to 96 and i started laughing and saying "these ppl are gonna die!" really loudly too...i expect them to start dropping like flies soon.

so i'm eating breakfast with Jawilliams, and she's just as rosy red as i am, minus the fact that mine is going away and she's just pink. and ppl are like "wow, thats gonna be a nice tan," and i'm like "yea i know" kinda sucks though cause its only the top of my back and the front of my legs, cause i was sitting like a little indian.

i'm really enjoying being in love with someone. it makes u feel really alive and its just really wonderful, even though i dont get to see him all that often, when i do it makes up for all the waiting. its a very comfortable thing too, like a good pair of jeans that actually fit u right and make ur butt look perfect. I have figuared it out, love makes ur butt look perfect.actually no, it just makes u a sane person.

ahhhhhh....my back burns, my legs, and burning, i scratched them, now the pain is unbearable...not really but its really annoying

why wont this thing publish?

my back it burns

so i layed out in the sun today to make myself feel better. and i did, the sun does wonders for picking ur energy back up to where its supposed to be. Only thing is that I burned my back and its radiating its own heat at this point. But it was just so nice to lay out on the green and read, and watch people. There were girls out there in like little bikinis and I was like "theres no need for that" bc really when u run into ur professors while ur wearing a little tiny string bikini things change between u two, thats not cool. I dont care if these ppl are ph.D's they're still men, with great views from their office of the green and of you laying out barely clothed. But the point of this is that my back is red, and the lotion on my skin makes me look like i'm peeling or something, not cool.

i'm getting this feeling thats kinda overwhelming. It says "go home jessica" (kinda in the same voice that andy says "no jessica"), and it doesnt really allow me to focus on anything else. There are 4 weeks left. I'm so close to being home, and being able to see my mom thats its not really allowing me to do much other than think. These next couple of weeks are gonna go by quickly, or at least they better bc at this point all I really wanna do is sleep, talk to my mom, sleep, hang out with the boy, sleep, and play in the pretty sun. yea, this is one of those momments where i realize only a few ppl will really understand why i feel this way, and i just want to keep it that way. I'm almost home. and its weird feeling like this, bc i really do love it up here, i just need to go home now...

i missed all of today. i didnt go to class, i didnt open a book, i didnt do anything academic. it was what i really needed to do today. it really sucks to be up here and not be able to just go home when i need to. it just takes alot out of me to not be able to be there when my parents need me. andy's are really great, because they will drive across a puny little state to come be with me when i need them. i also learned that frat boys are really nice.

the universe really enjoys kicking me in the gut.

theres nothing better than when ur 8:35 prof cancels ur class! well maybe ur italian professor deciding to cancel class as well

yea, so i just got back from a really nice weekend in Boston, and now I feel kinda weird at my school. It was just so nice there and now i'm just like "why do i come here again?" and i know i shouldnt be feeling like that but I do, and I just wish I was closer the boy, and to just boys in general. It would be really nice to be in a city and be able to just take a subway to go and visit my friends...but yea, its really pretty at the Moho, and hopefully this all will pass...

i really like this weather that we've been having, and i know its silly to right about the weather, but it really is really nice. The freaky thing is that its like 50 or so ouside and i was outside in like a shirt, flip flops and some jeans. yea, i was wearing a sweater earlier to protest but the day was just really nice, and i just couldnt resist.

place where if u dont come home at night, everyone is going to notice.

its amazing to think about where it was that I was like a year ago. Right about this time I was freaking out, with school and everything, it was just overwhelming and I was just pretty unhappy. or maybe april was the month that I didnt go to school bc I was taking personal days, or whatever I called them. I think it was this time last year that I was going to florida and getting sunburned, and trying to figuare out if I really wanted to go to Mount Holyoke or not...thats pretty interesting to be thinking on the other side of that, and now being so thankful for the choices that I made that got me where i am now. so yea, things work out in the end. when i think about things like that it gives me hope. and everyone could use a little more of that.

i'm glad i dont have to deal with this whole lottery business. ppl keep coming into my room and like wanting to look around, its pretty annoying sometimes...i'm glad i have a room....a single room with a view of the lake...

every day, all that i want is a ham and cheese sandwich.
every day, i'm let down.

in other news, there was a revolt in italian that I forgot to mention yesterday. Turns out that silly americans dont know anything about Roman Numerals, we we're learning how to pronounce like decades and centuries and other roman numeral stuff and we got to the 3rd questions, and it was my turn. She asked me the answer and I just looked at her and was like "i dont know," it wasnt that i didnt know the answer in english, it was just all the answers were in roman numerals, and they all look the same to me. this was the 3rd question in a row, we're we had no idea. and so she was like (in a very cute, italian accent) "americans they know nothing about roman numerals, we just can't do this excersise then" and so the class was victorious. and i was happy. the end.


if that had been an italian fable, I would have been eaten/ killed by my cute little italian teacher...europeans are really funny.

i was informed that the icky italian version is the way little red riding hood is supposed to end. thats disgusting.

andy's are fun, bc they'll not do their work along with u. and because they give hand massages...really good ones too...

italian children's stories/fables are really depressing. their version of little red ridding hood ends with the little girl being eaten...not good.

my friends are just the silliest bunch of ppl i know. i love having them around.

ahhh this thing is giving me a headache!!!

so the results of all the songs named Jessica are in. The allman brothers have a really nice instrumental; most songs named Jessica are instrumentals. I have also learned that there are alot of Jessica's out there that are heartbreakers, hence songs like Jessica is a Bitch and I hate Jessica. The funniest Jessica song is the Tejano one. yea, lisening to that was disturbing. I also looked at songs named Anna (for my funny friend Anna), and found one that was probably related to her in some way called Anna is a speed freak. I searched for songs named Charles, Brent, and Andy and I learned that ppl dont really write songs about boys. But there are alot of Capueta songs with "abad" in them.

yea, all this instead of doing my macro...

i just downloaded every song with Jessica as the title...yea, i'm a little stuck on myself so far, although i found one called Jessica is a bitch, i can't wait to hear that one.

i have weird dreams. case and point: last night i had a dream about p.diddy (puffy whatever, point is he shouldnt be in my dream), so thats weird enough, weirder still was the fact that i dreamt that i was meeting luis and justin (luis' roommate/really good friend for those folks following at home) anyways i was meeting them at the supermarket, mind you i took the PVTA to the supermarket, and when i got there puffy was making an apperance near the cheese/dairy section inside of some clothing store (that was right by the cheese sticks), so Justin turns to me and ask "is that puffy?" and i was like "yea" like i was some kind of authority and could distinguish between the real puffy and a fake one. then i said something else weird, i was like "yea, i've seen him here about 3 or 4 times now." odd
but yea, after that i played monopoly with andy's brothers and then the game tried to attack us in some way, i forget. the whole point is i have some weird dreams.

professors are just really cute. my women's studies professor was just giddy bc her book won an award, and she was like not really making much sense in class and she let us out early. which was great if i had known that, that was what was happening, but i didnt. so i went to my macro class directly afterward like i always do, and ended up there thinking that i was late (the clock in that room never really tells the correct time) and i walked in and sat down. come to figuare out (after i had sat down of course) that i was sitting in on his class that is directly before mine. yea, i felt silly.

i now have a headache. but it looks pretty, so its worth it. i hope.

hehe, i was supposed to do macro, but instead i killed some time and updated this page. hope u guys like. i'll figuare out how to adjust that window on the side, eventually.

what kind of punk would put bean sprouts on a sandwich? all i want is a normal sandwich, just some ham maybe cheese, on bread, thats it, i'm not asking for anything strange. what do i get? bean sprouts, ham, cream, and a bread...ever tried to pick out bean sprouts? it gets u nowhere....

ok, i'm reading my women's studies reading and this what i just read, and i had to take a pause and just write it down to share "all men have the potential to rape, and may be expected to do so if they can get away with it."...yea...i just dont agree with that.

oh yea, and i have a single for next year, plus my dorm is going to have a soft serve ice cream machine...very nice...

yea, its weird when ppl i dont really know come up to me and hug me, I'm like "get off me." especially considering it was the girl from my eco class last semester who was that person in the class who asked the dumb stupid questions and was trying to sound smart...yea, u know who this person is, there's one in every class...

so yes. i spent yet another exciting saturday studying and talking to the boy. i hate macro. and boys named andres make me happy. oh and rice doesnt have any good exciting classes during the summer. there.

so macro made me cry today, things that are within my major should not be stressful to me, i just dont believe in that, so i'm doing political economics now, which means that I'm designing my own major, my advisor just makes my life so much easier, he is just the best man. just when i needed some good wonderful vibes he gave them to me...yay...ok

boys who write me letters make me happy. mail makes me happy period. but boys who actually decide to write me letters just make me happy. it makes me wanna spend time with them, and see what they're up to.

ok, so the moral of today's story is dont have candy. If ur name is Jessica just dont have little Mamba candies, cause then ur body is so pumped with the sugar that u cant concentrate on the stupid italian...auuggh...must focus...i feel like brent....

right so yes. professors are funny little creatures, i hope to be one of them one day. i went in to talk to my macro prof today, and my women's studies prof, and they're just funny. I'm convinced that my macro prof is the most lonely little man on the planet, well maybe not, i know he has kids and a wife so he cant be so lonely but he's always alone during his office hours. On the other hand my eco advisor is kinda a bit of a slut, bc he's in his office with a different girl everytime i check in on him, but thats ok, he's a fun man. but my women's studies professor is just funny, she's a great teacher, i just dont really believe eveything she has to say, which is ok. I'd be curious to know if other professors at other colleges are just as weird as mine are. oh and i saw a dog pee in the middle of Skinner today (its one of our buildings), its funny bc all of them bring their dogs to class and i always wondered if they (the dogs) were just well trained or what. so now i know. the dog just got too excited, its not his fault.

boys are great, because they're simple. Tell say something and thats what they mean, no ify-ness about it. they also make me laugh and feel better. girls are great though, cause they bring u m&m's when u dont really need any, and then u get sick from eating the m&m's and the fake chicken noodle soup that just says it has "white meat" in them. wait no it wasnt the m&m's just the funny fake meat...i'm gonna starve at this school....

From Brent, or Brent's friend Jeff:

girls require time and money, so
girls = time x money
time is money-
time = money
girls = money x money
money is the root of evil
money = evil^.5 so
girls = evil^.5 x evil^.5
and finally we simplify
girls = evil

yea, i dont know, the math seems kinda funny but it seems right

i keep being really impressed by the fact that me and andy have been together for 7 months now, i'm thinking "thats a chunk of time that went by fairly smoothly," and then today its been the movement of the couples that have been together for 2 yrs, thats two YEARS of ur life, of ur young life, not the old part where everything just blends together and before u know it u've been married for 20 something yrs....ahh, i'm too impressed by them right now...

funny things to mention in this months Jane:
*the prank of the month involved a Jamba Juice, it even featured a picture of the writter drinking a smoothie, it made me laugh.
*definition of soft lovers: people who don't get sweaty during sex
*oh and the words "penis storage"
*plus an article that tells u what happens when you stop bullsh*t*ng. The writer went to her gyno and told her she has unprotected sex and never got the cream that she was asked to get...classic, then she goes on to tell her date that she masterbated in the morning before getting there....

women's college = odd posters for dyke power... i walk into my dorm and see a flyer of a strap on and a penis. I was scared.

oh, i got a picture of me drawn by this man in times square, it took him like 15 min to do it, and it looks like a photograph...its pretty creepy, bc its like a 14 by 17 of my head. Its pretty though, i just wouldnt keep it in my room.

getting to wake up next to someone is one of the simplest most wonderful pleasures in the world.

just when you think you have had enough the gods smack u a good one. it's getting really hard to be optomistic. it was already pretty hard. i decided to stay in houston this summer, which is really good because now i feel like that's where i really need to be. i dont know how this story is going to end. and i know i'm being vague but i really dont think i wanna write about it. I cannot wait to get this year over with. just when i start to think i cant possibly go thru more stuff, i've gone down the list, i've done it, theres more. but then again there's always more isnt it?

i went to new york last weekend and it was a ton of fun. I'll just skim thru some highlights:1. there was a crazy old foreign woman in the middle of the street who like publicly cursed this man for breaking her shopping bag or something, best part was when she spit at him and called him "shiiiiit" (it was great), 2. the food- i had puerto rican food it's close enough to colombian food that it made me happy, 3. getting to spend a weekend away from the madness. Although it was really a great weekend, with my wonderful sane friends and the always wonderful andy, there were some lowpoints, really these are the only lowpoints 1. slipping in the tub and hitting the back of my head against the tub, it was all bc the day before i had noted that there wasn't a grib bar and that if an elderly person fell they could sue, 2. the crazy midget woman in times square (i hate midgets, i think they're dirty- thats just my opinion), 3. almost missing the train back because andy was getting a smoothie...although it was funny to watch him run across the train station while holding 2 drinks....all in all it was really just what i needed.

i like when i have plans and people ask me to do things, it makes me feel special.

i no longer have a boy, i have a small child... thats what happens when u start living with people...
i'm just kidding, having him around is great. its funny walking around with him though, ppl look at him funny, cause he's a boy.

let me just get this out in the open. I'm not in high school anymore. I'm not. I have also learned enough to not want drama in my life. I just dont need it. I'm also incredibly happy, bc the people I'm around now are just amazing, and aren't out to screw me over, or exploit me in some way in other to make themselves feel better. i love where i go to school. I love my teachers, i love my friends, i love breathing the fresh air, and getting to experience something outside of what I knew before. I'm not out to start mess, i just call things like i see them, and i dont put up with bullshit. i dont need drama, nor do i want it. thats it. plain and simple. i'm not naming names, and I'm not starting mess. just dont ever assume that you know the whole story when u dont. no one knows the whole story, and u cant really tell what someone's intentions are when they say things. u dont know where they are coming from, u dont know their background, and u dont know that sometimes they really are just trying to watch out for someone that they also care for. sometimes the best thing a friend can do is to shit on u. u never really know.

i really enjoyed hanging out with boys for a week. it was what i needed.

driving across the state makes u tired and sleepy....having the boy edit ur post for grammatical errors is amusing...it also makes u feel like ur about 7.

another fun thing about going out with brent is getting "the look" when we go out, its the "what the hell are you doing hanging out with a white girl/black guy" look. Its funny. bc sometimes u just wanna explain to them thats its not really that big of a deal, and that we've known each other since he had a flat-top and i have huge pink glasses, otherwise known as "grade school"

i went shopping and remembered why shopping with brent is fun. Brent tells me when ppl are checking me out, today i was checked out by a girl, and some dirty mexicans...also i find it amusing that video games have girly posters in them...yea they're also gross.

right so u wanna know what kind of state this is? the kind where it gets into the high 40's and ppl start wearing shorts.

one day this is going to work...even if it means the end of brent.

oh and boys named andy are great, bc they'll heat up leftovers for u and miss class so they can hang out with u....and they smell good.
boys named brent are great bc they'll make u a sandwhich and provide u with binoculars when u wanna spy on his neighboors.

watching people is just a lot of fun, especially when u dont know them and they are in a building dirrectly infront of urs and u have binoculars...is this wrong? i dont think so. i simply think of it as one more way of being entertained by strangers...the lesson of the day is that when u think that you're alone, ur really not. so if ur gonna be doing something that ur mom wouldnt approve of, might as well do it at just the right angle so that the trees dont block the other person's view of it. i think i've been watching too much sex in the city.

so yea, i'm on spring break and hanging around boys which is cool, bc girls get on ur nerves after a while, (not the wonderful kinds of girls u cant live without but the crazy ones that are crazy) , but yea... its nice, the boy's amazing....

its just one thing after another...but then again it always is. thats the way my life is. but what can I do really, but just expect the worst. i'm tired. i'm just tired.

my friend let me drive her car today, and it made me feel like so very special that she would even let me drive her car around (its a nice car) and so that just made my day...

so i took my italian midterm and i thought i knew the future tense, and then i realized that i didnt. and i studied and knew my vocab down pat, and of course none of it was on the exam...i dont like test, but thats alright....hopefully its just a looooow B and nothing worse...lets all pray

right so yea. I'm so looking foward to this break that its not even funny. i need a break from people. i dont know there's just so much drama and crap basically, when all i really wanna do is just study. i always hate when stuff is no longer organic between me and someone else, bc the whole time ur talking to them u just think about how easy it used to be to talk to them, and how now its so hard to just say anything to them. its like i'm walking on eggshells and i just dont wanna deal with that. i know exactly where it is that i wanna be, but there's just all of this stuff getting in my way, and why does there have to be drama, why do things have to change? i cannot wait to see the boy so all this crap will go away, and then to get to spend some time making my mind go numb with brent. i think testosterone will make things better. or at least i hope that i will.

i've discovered that the problem w/women is that some of them are just crazy.

and I'm now an SA!! this is super exciting for me bc I was certain that I wouldnt get in, and this is the second great news of the week!!! but the best part is that I dont have to deal with the whole lottery bs for next year, but the even better part is that I dont have to worry about being someone's roomate!!! ahhh.......a single!!!! i have the feeling i'm being set up for a fall but i dont see it coming since at the end of this week i get to see the boy!!!

so today is just a really good day, why u may be asking? bc my adviser is the sh*t. I'm doing this independent study with him in economics, and at first I was just like "eh ind. thats no big deal nothing too interesting is gonna come out of this." nevermind I'm not supposed to be doing independents as a first year, but whatever no biggie. right so, today I have finally just gotten around to meeting with him, and we start talking going back and forth, he's explaining some of the concepts in the book to me, and so forth. ok, so the punchline of this whole thing is that we came across a thought thats really provocative and new, so he says "u know that would be a really provocative paper to write, beyond that it would just be a very easy to get it published, not only would it be easy to publish it would be worth publishing and getting it noticed, we should co-write this." and yea. this is what I've been wanting to do for a really long time now, and as an undergrad I'm going to start getting things published and establishing a name for myself! i'm way too giddy. but yea, it wouldn't be finished until next year, sometime but still wow...that just made my day.

just when u think things are getting better, they dont. yup.

i worked in a soup kitchen this morning, and it wasnt what i expected it to be. first off, i had to make rice, i can cook thats not a problem, i just dont make rice. I dont eat rice, so thus i never learned how to make it. so i was a little confused by it, and scared at the fact she was actually allowing me to cook something. so yea, and then we sat with the people there, and we ate with them, and i met this man named Jim, and he was funny and smart and he obviously had a story. i always see people that are homeless and i'm a little uncomfortable in the situation, i know that they're just people, i understand that, but I dont know really how to relate. so that was a little odd, but now whats really bothering me is that I wont know what happens to Jim...

did i mention my friends are soo wonderful? bc they are, these are the sweetest most balanced fun people to be around. without them the estrogen in this place would kill me.

so we went out to dinner last night, to this puerto rican place, but it was closed, which made me sad but it wasnt too big of a deal, so then we went to the next town over and ended up at this chinese place. the place looks normal, but then we walked in, and it was like a third of a chinese place, and like the other half was like an irish pub, w/this bad dj playing music. if the nicer jess hadnt been there, me and annita would have walked out, but she made it all so much better. the place was like icky to say the least, but the guy who served us the food was so nice, and friendly, and he was sooo happy to see us there, and he was sooo cute. and so we ordered and he made us our food in this like little kitchen, and this little chinese guy is like in the back room like drinking a rolling rock and cooking our food, and then he was like smoking, but the man was soo cute. the dj was like playing random music, like Frank Sinatra, and then like jennifer lopez stuff, it was weird, but it was such a great night. it was ...."delightfuly random"

so, things are so much better now. and i've had such a great time with my friends these last few days, i dont know what i would do without them. i really dont, i never thought i would like girls as much as i love these girls, ah they make everything better, and boys named andy make everything better. i'm so giddy now, and i feel so free and like i dont have to worry about things anymore. thanks.

why the hell do i do this to myself? i really wanna know. i know better than this. ugh my mind turning to mush and i cant see a way out, and i want to hide and run. i'm trying to think outside of myself and yet i cant. i just cant. i dont have anymore answers.

i wonder about myself alot of times. and how i managed to get myself into situations that seem so outside of myself. i feel sick thinking about things. i feel sicker when i over think them. i feel sickest when i ignore them and pretend they never happened. i'm hoping i wake up a better person than the one that went to sleep.

best part of meeting with my macro professor when we were looking thru my exam, and i explained my logic to him and he says "oh that makes it worse." the 2nd best part was when we got to the end of the exam and he was looks at me and is like "u sure have some funny algebra going on" and then i said "yea i have a tendency of doing that"...but i think i'm better now, so it's ok

i got a kick in the butt when i got my macro test back today...that wasnt so fun. but its ok, bc its not the end of the world, and i know that i didnt work as hard as i should have on that midterm. it just sucks when u're expecting one grade on a test and then receive a completly different one. not fun at all.

whats with a drag ball at a women's college? i dont get it. i dont think i wanna get it.

this school is just weird. too much estrogen can kill u.

so i went out last night with my good friend annita. anyone who can speak to me in spanish even though they're learning is just amazing to me. anyways, so we went to this party at amherst (college down the road) and it was an okay party, but the same thing that always happens happened. Neither of us was dressed hoeish but the only guys who tried to approach us we're the dirty guys. It might have to do w/the fact we were dancing with each other but it started to get really funny. there was this one guy who just kept trying to dance on me (he was trying to molest my rear) and we rejected this poor kid at least 8 times. He would come towards one of us and we would just start grinding with each other. it was hillarious. then somehow these 3 black guys show up, that must have been a foot taller than me (i was wearing heals), and somehow i ended up in the middle of this african manwhich. i couldnt stop laughing, maybe bc i thought that was gonna be the end of me, and that after that i was never gonna be the same. and then there was this nice, white guy (it was like a salsa, hip hop, and merenge party-white guys stuck out like a sore thumb) who was drunk but he was really nice. he saw some guy trying to dance on me and saw me laughing and was like "u want me to get rid of this guy for you?" and i was like "thanks"...he was a nice drunk guy. but yea, no nice boys ever try to pick me up at these things, never. i mean i wouldnt mind dancing with some guy at these things that wasnt dirty, drunk, and trying to dry hump me. sigh...the boy needs to come back already.