okay what really bugs me are those damn genital herpes commercials, like your just hanging out watching TV and then all of a sudden you hear "i used to be very active and then I got genital herpes" and I feel so bad for those actors who have to sit there with a straight face and just proclaim how they have genital herpes. it completly ruins my tv watching experience.

oh and going to a liberal arts college (emphasis on the liberal) completly changes the way that you watch TV, it basically takes all the fun of it because I sit there and notice how they represent and under represent minorities, how they talk about money, and how they naturalize specific gender roles...and then by then i dont even wanna watch TV...so i've taken to doing puzzles to keep myself busy. that and buying stuff...

bluebell ice cream and chocolate are a girls best friend. especially since brent sucks and isnt home yet, bastard. oh and i watched Down with Love today and its a bad sign where halfway thru the movie the only thing I could focus on were Reene's fake eyelashes...they looked like calapilars....i just couldnt look away. oh and dont bother going to see it, it turns into a completly different movie halfway thru, a weird different movie.

yea, being home is great because i have to drive to get anywhere, like last night i was bored out of my mind so I drove down the street to walgreens and spent my mommy's money on candy, a cheesy magazine, makeup, and one of those puzzle magazines that i like so much because i'm a dork. I've decided that I'm going to chop off my hair, or at least chop some of it off and add some shape to it...i might also dye it...might. I was thinking red maybe, or like a brownish shade...but then my hair now is kinda brownish and i dont know if i like it, so i probably wont do that.

being at home and being a complete an utter bum has given me the much needed motivation to actually look foward to going back to boring south hadley, mostly because i'll be paid and have my own car...and my own room so that my mom doesnt ask me six times a day what i'm going to do today, i've taken to just responding honestly so that she knows that my whole plan for being home is to eat candy and ice cream and watch bad daytime TV, because theres no shame in that.

i'm gonna do something with my hair...i dont know what though, i want it to grow so i dont think i'm going to cut it all off...although i just might. i'm thinking of doing something fun with it, maybe some red stripes or something, bc well...i'm bored. ohhh i got a single for the summer! soooo exciting! and its on the first floor so i dont have to lug all my stuff up a bunch a stairs and as i learned when i was packing i have a lot of stuff...and yet it doesnt feel like a lot....bc i really dont have that much stuff.

ummm yea i saw Kassady Lynn the other day which is Alesha's little girl and she's sooo big now and sooo freaking cute, and she talks now which is a trip for me bc when i first met her she couldnt even sit up, and now she talks, she's soo cute. I wanna just take her for a day and just hang out, bc you tell her to do something and she does it, like its kinda like a dog, but a kid, and so cute. Alesha brought along her pregnant friend who's like 7 months pregnant and that was creepy bc the girl was like poking her little boy bc he kept kicking her and stuff, it was gross.


oh and i'm watching Oprah right now (which is what i do when i'm on break) and this woman rules, she has like her favorite things and she has really cool things like a portable grill and a really cool camera, but the thing is that she gives everything she talks about to her audience, and the ppl are like going crazy like having breakdowns and crying.its fun to watch.

she just gave them all ipods! oh my! those are the sexiest things ever...well that and apple's G4s...thats one sexy laptop, which will be mine by the end of summer. woohoo!

okay this is why i love being home, tomorrow a "cold" front is going to be coming in and its going to be 87! i love it.

umm thats all i have to say.

i'm finally home, i've been here since Friday and its nice to be back...ummm lets do backwards highlights:

I got a pedicure today for the first time and it was wonderful. i think this is one of the reasons i love being home so much, my mom out of nowhere is like "u wanna go get a pedicure?" and i'm like "score" and then we went out to eat and then ice cream, i love being spoiled, i think its just my mom's way of letting me know she missed me

i slept all day on saturday

i arrived on friday, umm i saw a thunderstorm on the way in from nashville, oh i feel in love with nashville just from seeing it from the sky, its just gorgeous, i'm adding it to my list of places i must visit and possibly live in, ummm my bro drove me to the airport, i didnt miss my flight

on thrusday i managed to take my last exam, and pack all of my shit up in the course of 5 hrs...yea thats right, 5 hrs to pack all of my shit up, and i didnt sleep the night before with the matrix and talking to andy...i also learned i have a lot of shit...and it doesnt really seem like it either...so we got to worcester that night (its 'bout an hr from south hadley) and i fell asleep within 20minutes of hitting my bros couch, i slept until 11am the next day and i was still kinda sleepy.

umm and thats all the highlights i can remember...oh and its warm here like 85, which i think is a magical perfect temperature...i hate the cold.

The Matrix Reloaded was amazing, just how amazing you ask? it was a religious experience and i dont think i breathed from the point the movie started to the very end. just simply amazing. it also left me feeling like i could actually fly, but then i realized i couldnt and became very sad.

2 boxes are packed at this point, my room is stripped bare, and i wish i was in Boston right now sleeping in andys bed. oh well, will study some, pack more, and take my exam tomorrow morning.

i am not excited about summer. To me summer is something that needs to hurry up and finish so that I can see my boyfriend at the end of it. Summer is bittersweet, its hot and warm but at the same time its a large chunk of time where seeing/having any communication what so ever with andy is eratic, infrequent, sporatic, seldom...i think you get the point. This summer in particular is specially bittersweet bc I'm not excited about my research position,even though I'm sure it'll be way too much fun to get to spend weeks with Gabe watching movies and helping him write a book, but this will be the first time in my life that i spent my birthday alone, without my parents or even friends, and i know some people are used to this, but i've never had to do it before so i'm not. Birthdays arent a huge deal in my family, but they're a reason to have dinner and eat cake, add to that the fact that i doubt andy will be able to fly up to see me for my birthday since it falls on a tuesday and even becomes even more depressing...that was my pleasant thought on my hour and a half bus ride back from boston today, right after crying at having to watch andy wave goodbye and not being able to get off the bus and just stay with him...i hate leaving. i hate that whole day when i know that i have to go, or he has to go, its just becomes a thing where i try not to cry and just fail bc i keep thinking that i wont see him again for months....i really dont know how long it will be until i see him again, and honeslty i dont wanna sit down and count the days. i got back into my room and just started packing, because at this point the only thing that i'm looking foward to is seeing my parents, feeling the hot wonderful sun against my skin, and eating some pork chops, with lemon juice on top....yumm...

i went to a jazz club last night with andy, he told me i couldnt go in jeans so i had to spend the better part of my day finding something to wear bc when i left and asked him if i needed any heels or anything fancy he said no, so i bought myself a strapless black dress at the limited. Of course the couple we went with was in jeans and i was freezing (its still in the 50's here in the state that god forgot) so i used his jacket and andy was cold. umm the show itself...lets just say a third of it put me to sleep, the second third was just bizare (and no i'm ot kidding think dancers in tellytubby colored full body spandex suits and a creepy comedian doing his stand-up with jazz playing in the back) and the last third was really amazing and really good. Since i didnt pay for the ticket, I think it was alright. I was also overdressed and cold the whole night, and now own my second black strapless dress, i now have 3 solid black dresses....even i think thats odd.

oh and i also learned that Babylon 5 is a wondeful series, a large chunk of my visit with andy was spent watching this very addictive show, bc one of his roomates has the first and second sesson on DVD. I think we watched a part of the first and most of the second...i watched a lot of Babylon 5. This last visit with andy was really great, there was no fighting, no drama, no arguing, just a really pleasant fun time. ::sigh:: i'm gonna miss that boy.

but i get to see the Matrix at midnight, so that'll keep me going, and i take my final exam tomorrow morning and then i'm gone.

so last night i learned a few things,

1. celebratory drinking on monday nights is a good thing
2. vanilla vodka is a little easier to take than just normal vodka
3. i think my body does not enjoy taking straight shots anymore, sad and yet true
4. andy does not play video games well
5. drunk ppl are always amusing
6. drunk ppl playing video games are just more entertaining
7. men are just as insecure as women, they just hide it more (i already knew this one, this was just a reminder)
8. going to bed at 4am every night just screws up your sleeping schedule
9. andy is highly entertaining when drunk but not plastered, the difference is the fine line between him being relaxed and him being a violent drunk
10. christopher walken is just too damn cool. (we watched pulp fiction, and he's just great in it)
and finally
11. i have really weird dreams normally, but after i drink they just get bizzare.

so i am in an MIT computer lab right now, trying to get my stats stuff printed out, but i cant figure out how to get the thing to show up. since i dont think they have powerpoint installed on these computers. sooo yea, this place smells funny and i'm the only woman in here and everything seems just a little more complicated than it needs to be...so thats no good. must keep myself entertained for an hour....must stay entertained. must be producted while the scary man next to me hacks things up...and the computer makes weird noises that i dont understand....

so i go to my last counseling session of the yr (i've gone to a grand total of 3) and when I ask my counselor if she thinks i need long term therapy (bc she kept asking me if i wanted to continue going) and she tells me that from what she knows of me I'm a very healthy, mature, smart, young woman with a lot of potential and that while i dont need long term therapy, she feels everyone should go to therapy and we both just started laughing, it was a great moment. So i'm feeling specially good today because i got the sane stamp of approval from this woman and I'm going to Boston today and I'm very excited about tomorrow nights dinner and the yummy shrimp scampi thats being made for me by their cook. Also very excited about Ms.Evelyn Kapusta joining me for the festivities, but mostly bc if I'm going to drink around a bunch of frat boys I need Ev there with me, bc shes my drinking buddy, she's my drinking tolerance twin, so its going to be very fun. yea, so i havent studied much at all these last few days, I've managed to watch every single homestarunner cartoon, and to become the master of spider solitare, but studying for stats or writing my italian composition....eh not so much.

yea, i'm in a great mood. i've even managed to get started on the packing....although i still havent busted open that trunk...anyone have any ideas (besides bolt cutters which i dont have) of getting one of those masterlock padlock things open? anyone?

hey its brent's birthday!
Yay for brent he's one year closer to being 21! not like brent would really need to be 21 for any reason....ummm well...its still a good thing so yay!

okay, so last night i had the most traumatizing experience where I had to kill a bee that had found its way into my room. first i dont like bugs that can fly, i just dont like bugs, but flying bugs? thats just not right. okay second, I have never been stung by a bee, and would like to keep it that way, which gives me an even greater fear of being stung by a bee bc if i had felt it i would at least know what its like and be like well it cant kill me, but i've never been stung so i dont know that. so when i opened the window to let the other bugs out of my room (they were just the little baby nat things that flew in thru the mosquito net) this bee flies in and it like graces my hand and so of course i screamed, and it was ohh 1am or so, so i think it resonated thru the dorm. and then i proceeded to hide under my covers so the bug wouldnt be able to get me, did i mention i was on the phone with andy thru this whole ordeal? yea, he wasnt so helpful at first, but then he talked me thru the process of killing the damn thing and a good 20minutes later i actually killed the damn thing. but after the whole incident my room didnt feel the same and so i stayed up and watched andy's robotics competition online until 4ish and then i decided to just stay awake and make sure andy woke up from his nap. and i had weird dreams too last night, i blame the dead bee for giving my room creepy vibes.

i like how i look down at my trash can and there are just two bottles of smirnoff, an orange peel, and a coke bottle in there, i would like to think of it as an analogy to my life....or something. yea, i dont feel like doing any work today, not like i've really felt like doing any work all semester, or like i've really worked really hard this semester...but yesterday was the last day of classes and it was good. i skipped my last stats class, went and talked to my italian prof (she was semi-helpful, but kind enough to give me an A- on my last exam), and there was some sort of picnic. Dinner was interesting because champagne and strawberries happened before dinner for the seniors, its a tradition where on the last day of classes the seniors go to the president's house and get blastered basically to celebrate. Its actually traditions such as that one that got me suckered into coming to this place, but they also make me happy that i did chose to come here. theres general things that need to occur today, like maybe the beginning of packing, some slight cleaning (throwing away papers that i dont want), and in theory studying. i dont really remember how i managed to pack everything up last semester or even how long it took me to get it done. It couldnt have been that long though, bc i'm a master packer, I wish I didnt have to stay for closing, if not i could seriously have gone home like friday night, of course theres a "formal" on saturday so i would have still stayed for that, but school wise i have one stats final and my italian compositions that have to be finished, well one finished the other one polished. and the movie in theory for gabe.

You are StrongBad. You hate everyone, especially
HomeStar. Your e-mails and prank calls are
hilarious. You're my favorite character. You
try to be evil, but sorry, being shirtless with
boxing gloves just isn't scary. Don't worry
what everone else thinks because hey, they are
all "crap for brains".


What HomeStarRunner Character are you? (pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Strong bad rules!

oh and i'm posting this, but i dont think i'm cool enough to know what it means....

YOU ARE EMO!
You are one big mess of misunderstood emotions.Unfortunatelly you lost all of your friends once you started wearing only black, Gap sweaters and fake glasses. The good news is that you now have a whole new ring of anti-social, well-dressed friends. You sure got a way with style, and the music you listen to is enough to make even the hardest of people break down in tears. Times used to be tough, but these days life is pretty good for an emo kid. With your short black hair and morbid poetry you are the envy of every depressed, suicide attempting, starbucks drinking mallgoer in your town.


What is your anti-conformist personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

some days you wake up and you're ready to conquer the world, today was not one of those days. today was the kind of day where all u wanna do is curl up under your covers and hide, but i didnt hide all day, i went to my last italian class, i worked on my movie some more, talked to Gabe and laughed at him for sleeping for 2.5hrs (he has a 1 and a half yr old who was sick, so he had a good reason to not sleep), i researched cars, filled out my housing app, watched Wall Street, and just did errands basically. nothing exciting.

i've just been thinking about a bunch of stuff. its the end of the semester but i feel no attachment to it, i'm ready for summer, and for change. i'm excited about this weekend and about getting to see andy and talk to him in person and hopefully figure something out. i'm excited about getting my eo back and being able to drive to the store. i'm excited about going home and going to My Pueblito and having the carne asada for dinner. i'm excited about seeing brent and driving around to good music and just thinking about everything and nothing all at once. i'm excited about seeing my mommy and just everything about her. i'm excited about going home. i'm sad that i'll only be there for a month, that my daddy might be transfered to arkansas, about andy being across the country from me, about not being able to hit up chachos at 3am from south hadley...but everything will work itself out. i'm looking foward to change. i'm very much looking forward to next year, and my birthday and being older.

making movies is hard.

i spent all last night/afternoon learning how to use swish (think macromedia but easier) and the first 2 hrs were spent on the tutorial. I was basically doing this until like 3 in the morning, but once i figured it out i was on a roll, I got the intro scene done (theres the title and my name and cool music and a background) now my next problem is writing some sort of plot for this thing and then drawing it...or figuring out what i can use to draw the ppl and then animate it. The program is pretty simple, so i actually dont think that the animation will be the hard part, this is really just a online childrens book sort of thing, so it should in theory not be that hard. I'm not trying to create water droplets that transform into monkeys or anything. once the whole thing is finished i'll post it on my webspace and everyone can enjoy my movie making genius. yay!

okay back to working to making cool flash animations!

today has been an interesting day in just every way of that word, but i'll start at the end and just give the highlights. I just had the most amazing conversation with a person from my intergroup dialogue group, and today was the last day that the group met and it was just so great, like that was just a wonderful experience, like just meeting with that group for 8 weeks just left me feeling so much more hopeful about a lot of issues (race and class) but mostly just brought my fate in humanity back up, so that was great. oh but we had just a really great conversation that lasted for so long, and i got to hear some more of her writing which just always touches me, and i'm just so glad that i found someone that I feel like i have so much in common with. Thats a great feeling.

Earlier on at 6ish, I met with Gabe (he's normally not in the office on thrusdays so he came back to campus from home to talk to me) and it was just so much fun talking to him. he was just being ridiculous and brilliant all at the same time. I have way too much fun talking to this man, I really dont think you're supposed to enjoy talking to a professor so much, but I feel like he's really become like my mentor, like my reminder of what i'm capable of doing and how much fun it really is, plus its just so easy to talk to him, but I guess after you've been working with someone for almost 2 yrs it becomes that way. I'm very excited to see what we do this summer. Oh and Gabe rocks because he told me thats he's going to show the Matrix to his economics in popular film class, and really how much cooler can you get than letting your class watch the Matrix for an econ grade? not much.

before that I had a conversation with andy that was not so pleasant, but not truly unpleasant, it was more clarification. What I am learning is that relationships require a lot of work, they dont just flow.....ahhhh which leads my to one of the highlights of my day which was my tuna melt that I had for dinner. It hit the spot, because it was not dorm food.

::sigh:: then there was my counseling session which was oh so fun, where we talked about why i dont take compliments well, like if someone tells me "ohhh your paper was so great" my response is "yea i pulled it out of my ass, its not very good but thanks i guess..." and so she asked me to think about that and I am...i think its bc i never think anything that I do is "good enough." like there's very few things that I've done that I can say in all honesty that i'm proud of. Like going to Nationals in debate and getting fourth place? nope, not proud of that. like thats kinda sick isnt it? i'm proud of one painting that i've done, its the only one that I've ever signed...and I'm proud of two papers that I've written and both of those were in high school, and yea see I cant even think of three things. when andy and i talked about it he was telling me that i needed better self-esteem, but i think i have damn good self esteem, like i know i'm capable of a lot of things, and i know i'm better at things than most other ppl are, but my feeling is always "but the general population isnt really that bright, so that doesnt say much about me." ohhh i dont know, but i am going to think about where these high expectations came from and how i can work on that.

all in all the day was good. i went for a walk, saw some beautiful tulips in the garden and just had a really fullfilling conversation with someone who i feel connected to, which is a beautiful thing. that and when i talk to Gabe and he says he'll get me more money so i can live comfortably during the summer, it makes everything that much sweeter.

so its official, andy's going to be in Atlanta this summer, he got an excellent job with Georgia Tech and will be bringing in mad amounts of money, so everyone should congratulate him bc thats really exciting. it also means that it'll be another loooooong summer with even more miles between us. i wish i could say "well we did it last yr so this time it'll be okay" but I dont know that, bc we almost didnt make it last summer...and that scares me. its really rough being at a place in my life where I'm being pulled in one direction (i'm starting to get the feeling that its more like a yank than a pull) and the one that i love is being pulled in an opposite direction...two paths that just cant seem to meet at any place. but maybe thats just for the best, and we dont make our own plans really, its all chance and fate and whatever else gets thrown in there. and thats sad, because i was really looking foward to having him around (well a "close" 90 something miles from me.)

and why cant the tears stop flowing when this is a good thing? this is something good.