oh how i love break.

i havent really been able to relax though, i have like looming school things on my mind. like whether or not to graduate early, whether to spend my time doing research or just start trying to write my thesis.

and i miss andy. i just saw him but i miss him already, its so odd dating someone long distance. i see him like every two weeks for 2 days straight and then he's gone for another 2 weeks...so odd. but its still nice to see him. his mom drove all the way down from dallas to come pick him up, and we all (his mama, my mommy, his brother, me, and andy) had a not so awkward lunch thing. it was nice. she's really nice.

so far for the break i'm working on finishing 1 gal of blue bell ice cream. with dedication i think i can accomplish my goal.

so i finally made it home. ohh how i missed the heat, and food. i missed food.

ummm i slept thru the whole trip, from the time the girl came to pick me up and drive me to the airport, to the flights...i was exhausted after not sleeping for 2 days. i got in and i was wearing my big wool weather, and i get off the plane and i'm hot. and i walk thru the airport and its all ppl in shorts and t-shirts and i'm like "hell yea." and then i saw my daddy and we got my stuff. i actually packed less than my bro did, which is amazing. but he brought his little computer, and his game cube, plus a huge suitcase of clothes...yea it doesnt make sense. oh well.

i had a yummy lunch (pork chops and platanos...yum!) and then i went to my moms and fell asleep. i slept from 7pm to noon the next day. i'm much better now.

and now i just have to finish the last paper. i think i'll just email it to him, since theres no way it can be finished and get to connecticut by tomorrow.

okay so here's the plan for tonight.

* finish my women's studies paper. i've been fucking around with it but it has to get done tonight. has to. so i'm finishing this bitch off tonight.
* get rid/hide all fire code violations before i leave
* finish my marxian paper
* throw shit into 2nd bag/ finish packing
* put on nice clothing to greet my family in
* clean room? ummm...i'll throw out the trash for sure
* pack things to amuse me on long ass flight
* give yara my shit so she can be responsible for getting it to where it needs to go
* write some note to my residents
* unplug everything
* drink lots of coke to keep me awake

i will not:
* watch Y Tu Mamma Tambien for the 5th time (unless i magically get this all done before 5:10am when ride gets here)
* play minesweeper, spider solitare, text twist, word mojo, chess, or any other evil online game
* sleep....i have no time fore sleep
* check ppls blogs obsessively
* talk on aim, icq, trillian, msn messenger or any other messenger thing
* talk to andy.... :(
* do any of the other things i do to kill all of my time. (i'm really good at wasting time)


okay now to work on this.

i was definately awake at 6 in the morning. There was not snow at 6am, even though they said there would be snow. I took a quick nap and woke up at 7am and there was no snow, none at all. When Yara woke my ass up at 8am to take my italian exam there was snow everywhere. Acts of god are silly like that.

yea, so italian is over and done with. i didnt study the pronouns, but being able to use the dictionary was my savior. Although i still think i fucked up the passato remoto like i normally do, although i dont think it went nearly as bad as it normally does. The exam took me about 1:30 to finish, it was probably supposed to take about 45minutes and there's 2hrs allowed for the exam. I will get a B- in the course like i always do. stupid B- screw with my gpa. next semester I'm going for the pass/fail. haha but i dont care! i'm done with italian (for the semester) i'm done!!

now if i had only finished my papers over the weekend like i was supposed to. oh well. they will get done, and i'm in that tired dellusional but comfortable place, were i'm not crazy and seeing things, so now i wont overanalyze what i'm writing. I'll work on my women's studies paper before ev comes and picks me up to go to walmart, and to check my mail bc i hate walking in the godamn snow.

by this time tomorrow i shall be on a small southwest plane flying towards tejas. hell yea!

my wisdom teeth are coming in and its really bugging me. i tried attacking one of them last night with my own teeth and this morning its not feeling so good.

i've spent the whole morning adding myself to various blogrings, and not working on my papers. ::sigh:: they will get done. thats all i know. it shall happen. although its halfway thru sunday and i'm at the same place as i was on thrusday....silly jes. this will get done. it will it will.

oh and i'm a weird girl who has been locked in her room for 3 days now...and i have yet to eat today...that cant be healthy. i cant wait to go home and eat....so close sooo close.

i spent last night/this morning watching Y Tu Mamma Tambien (thanks jose!) i watched it twice in a row and its a really interesting movie. its from the same guy who did Amores Perros, which has to be my favorite movie ever. This was about as close as I've ever come to watching porn, but it was a great movie, with an interesting message about life. i think this is now my second most favorite movie ever. it may become my first after i watch it 5 more times.

somewhere along the way i lost myself. you start with so much optimist, so much hope, so many dreams, they blosom and you nurture those new dreams and hopes, water them feed them, protect them. you hit some rough patches but you work thru them, you make concesions and work on compromises. you lower your guard and lower your expectations. you give up ur own dreams for things that are much greater than you. you decide whats more important. the cost benefit analysis, this will give me more happiness than that. and thats how it goes. little by little, piece by piece you dont even notice the change. its gradual, slow, sluggish, creeping, crawling, leisurely even. like a glacier slowly melting bit by bit, drop by drop. and then one day you wake up and wonder just how did i get here? is this really me? but you dont even know anymore what exactly 'me' is. which me are we talking about, bc i dont even know anymore. so many new ideas are in my mind. so many new truths. my personality has never been static, change is something that i'm accustumed to. but sometimes u just have to question the way that you change, the changes you make, the concessions that your going to give just to have peace. where do u stand? where do i stand....what do i stand for? what am i willing to give up to get what i want? i already know that one. everything. i've worked much too hard to get where i am to just give it all up. i'm not going to concede this one.

"you say u'll understand. you'll never understand. i say i'll never wake up knowing how or why. i dont know what to believe in, u dont know who i am, u say i need appeasing when i start to cry. but never is a promise and i never need a lie." -fiona apple- never is a promise. oh fiona. how i love thee.

i really like this, i wish my computer gave little haikus instead of damn error messages, (explorer has cause an error, bite me windows)

---

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

------------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

(this one is my favorite)
--------------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

---------------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

-------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

---------------------------------------------------

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

---------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

---------------------------------------------------

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

------------------------------------------------

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

---------------------------------------------------

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

---------------------------------------------------

i dont work well without pressure, its just so odd for me to start working on something like 6 days before its actually due. although i'm trying to convince myself that since i go home in 4 that its really due in four...its not really working though. and its not even that i dont know what i'm writing about bc i do...i have the outline, the articles i wanna quote from, i know how long the time is gonna be, i know she's gonna like it....i just have to write it....and its not happening.

oh well.


in order news mac laptops are the yummiest things ever and i'll be working my butt off this summer to buy one...if i work really hard maybe i can even buy a powerbook instead of just an ibook....think about the possibilities of it i could burn my own dvd's...damn thats sexy.

when i get nervous i start to bite off my nails...one by one i just bite into one side of them and then just peel them off... i do it in the middle of a test or during a lecture when i cant understand something...i start to do it when i feel stressed...i do it when i dont see a resolution to something...it becomes all that i focus on until i do all ten nails...its like my mind is blank and in that creepy place...and then its weird bc the rest of the time that my nails are growing back I wonder why i got rid of my pretty nails anyway...

ugh the hallway smells like smoke and its amazing that the fire alarm hasnt gone off yet...thats a little frightening actually but oh well. we all have to go sometime right?

i'm almost home....almost home.

oh that wonderful time of the year is here, finals, when the women of mount holyoke go crazy and start living in the library. I dont think I've ever even been inside the library during this time, i basically just avoid it like the plague. Some people at this school get really crazy at this time, stressed if you will and right now I'm not really feeling any of it. I have 2 papers and a final. I'm not concerned about either of those papers really because I'm doing well in both those classes....and the final for italian...well...i get to use my dictionary on it and I'll spend the weekend studying for it and it'll all be over and done with. i've accepted the fact that this class will be my only B for the semester and that Italian as always will screw with my gpa...eh, i'm not a weirdo who spends all her time memorizing italian grammar, i think i'm one of the few ppl in that class who isnt majoring in italian, languages, or "medieval studies" (what do you do with that major really?) and so that class isnt very high on my priorities...i'm actually considering whether to stick with it or not next semester, maybe i'll just take it pass/fail and so that way i can enjoy the class but not have it mess up my grade...we'll see.

oh and i've found the best way to procrastinate, start planning ur spring break during finals. theres nothing better than looking out at the falling snow and planning ur caribbean vacation with ur friends...i wish my break and andy's break were on the same week so that we could all go on vacation together...but then that would be a different kind of vacation than going with ms.vembu and hopefully yara, and who ever else we feel like inviting (or feels like coming)...ohh pretty beaches and burning sun here i come!

okay so jose had this link, that abner had and so now i'm doing it bc it beats getting ready for class that starts in about 5minutes.

Jessica

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your first name of Jessica has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality. Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue. Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways. You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods. In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start. This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced. As a result of your active nature, you have an appetite for quick-energy foods, which you could consume to excess. Health weakness appear as skin conditions, or as ailments relative to the liver.


umm i think its rather right on...minus that whole fine singing voice thing...

i am done with self defense for the year!!! yes!

standing between me and sweet sweet texas are:

7 days
1 econ class
1 ws class
1 ws paper (2pgs) due thrusday
1 ws final (5pgs) due before i leave
1 econ final paper (6-10pgs) gonna write it tonight
2 italian classes
1 italian final
1 write up for the independent
1 staff meeting
1 stupid italian movie

i'm almost home! you may be asking urself why i'm so excited about going home, well its bc i miss my mom's yummy food..hell i miss sourdough jacks and chachos....damn i miss those burritos...ohhh soo delicious and bigger than my head...so yummy...i cannot wait to go home and plump up and read books and sleep and see my mommy and my daddy....oh and y'all too...we can go to chacos! and andys visiting, we can all go to chachos!

so i go to italian this morning, late as always, and one of our Ta's is there instead of Francesca our Prof...and so i'm like thats odd...but i write down the assignment and then the Ta says thats she's going to tennis, and just leaves...we've had class for like 10minutes, and i was in class for like 3...very odd...especially bc i was going to skip it anyways...eh oh well i have other stuff to do anyways, like cleaning my room...

i had the most wonderful time in boston this weekend, i got beautiful tulips which are the most perfect flower, and i got to see andy and i dressed up and drank yummy drinks and watched a very hillarious skit, and even got to sit on Santa's lap although thankfully i didnt get a present. plus anna was there which was fun, and ev was there which was more fun...and we stayed for dinner...

i didnt do any of my work, and i'm not even going to pretend like i'm going to do work, i'm going to bed...night y'all!

i cant believe what i just saw. I cannot belive it. Anna just rolled around in the snow in a bikini. It was the most hillarious thing ever, completly worth my 10 bucks.

it all started at lunch when i was looking at the snow and i asked her how much money it would take her to roll around the snow in a bikini, like roll around in it. Anna's like "I would do that for 10 bucks" and i thought "i have ten bucks in my room" and so i kept pressing her and like asking if she was serious bc i had 10 bucks in my room, and she was just like "yea, I'll roll around in it, I'll make a snow angel" So then i was like "can i take a picture of it? and she was like "one picture but no ass shots" so in disbelief I shook on it and we ran upstairs for anna to get her bikini and for me to get my camera.

I have no idea how long we were out there but it was the most hillarious thing i have ever witnessed. completely worth 10 dollars. and i took a bunch of pictures of it, maybe like 10 or so, i'll post them once i get them developed.

my entire body is sore, i guess i couldnt feel it on weds bc of the adrenalin but i got thrown around there. my knee looks kinda interesting, if i had a digital camera i could shouls y'all...i think i'm gonna work on that cause theres too many random things i wanna post about but like u have too see it...like for example the damn geese and ducks at this school have yet to leave, its 23 degrees right now, yesterday it like snowed all day long like nonstop, these damn animals are just walking on top of the half frozen lake and then sliding down the little hills we are around it, its ridiculous! like the big geese approach me as i'm walking back to my room and i start talking to them and telling them to go home. and then i hear them at night when they're raping one another its disturbing, they need to leave.

oh and last night some dumbass on the ground floor burnt popcorn at 1:30am. Anna & I were still up being silly and messing with Yara's stuffed animals and putting them in disturbing configurations, it was funny...anyways so the damn alarm goes off and scares the shit out of us, and we're in like pjs like tanks and shorts and u cant go out in some shorts and flip flops to stand outside in the snow, so we grab our jackets and like sweats and then go downstairs and the entire dorm comes out (a good 150 women) and their pissed, bc most of them were asleep or getting ready to sleep, and we're stuck in the godamn snow. So the fire marshal and fire rep for our dorm come to the front and annouce that whomever burnt the popcorn on the ground floor has to come foward so they can be punished. No one does. If someone had come foward there would have been a lynching at Mount Holyoke.

and tomorrow is THE FORMAL!!! yay! I get to be all pretty and drink happy drinks, but the best part is (after seeing andy of course) is that Anna and Ev will also be there and will also be all pretty. This is exciting because normally I dont really know any of the girls there, so this is happy stuff. yay!

i had my self-defense simulation today, that was intense. Like they get u in like boxing padding, like on ur knees, elbows, hands, and like a giant helmet thing and then the men come in and they look like giant red robot men in all their padding, one of the guys is this HUGE black man named eddie who works as a police officer at the school and he's HUGE and so its really scary knowing that ur going to have to fight this giant black man off you.

so we do the first round, and none of want to go first, like she yanks someone out of line and they go, and my stomach is turning since i'm wondering what the hell I was thinking by signing up for this thing. in the first simulation we have to walk by them and go from one side of the room to the other. sound easy enough right? not so much when there's 3 grown men against you. i cant really remember that one too much, it was all adrenaling and punching them in the face and hitting them in the groin. The second simulation we have to pretend we're at the amherst bus stop, and like they start asking us what time it is and stuff, and its so funny cause u wanna start hitting them when they ask u what time it is. and with this simulation its two against one. I was kicking and fighting the whole time, it was intese, like my helmet was too tight for my head so between that and them yelling at me it was just a big rush. I was wearing this face mask thing and it was funny cause one of them grabbed me and since I'm only like 110lbs was like pulling me towards him, and so my reaction was to bite his arm, but like with his mask i couldnt do it. One of the girls, who was the smaller than me, like was attacked and the guy goes down and she like kicks him in the face, like they're under tons of padding (andy u should have seen the amount of padding that they had on their groins, u would have been pleased) and the guy is in pain. Its funny cause she's smaller than me. Umm the thrid one it was like at an atm and they like grab you from behind, and like i'm flying in the arm and their swinging me around, and i just start head butting them and like swinging my feet. I think all the horsing around with y'all has allowed me to perfect the art of getting out of that situation. and the final one was the really scary one, like all 3 surround u, and u have ur eyes closed and they start harashing u, and like saying things like "can u feel me on me?" "where u from little girl?" "what are u doing out so late?" things like that just like egging u on, and i was the third one to go, and i knew they were gonna grab u from behind and like try to get u on the ground so as soon as i got rid of the first one i just started running, and i'm little so i was able to like fake them out and pretend i was going one way and they just start bobbing and weaving thru them. they made me go back so that i would get attacked by all of them.

but anna was watching and she was telling me how funny it was to watch me like go thru that and the whole time I'm like punching these guys in the face like kicking them in the groin, like being vicious, and then i crossed the line where after that u were safe and then it was like "teehee." its so weird though, bc in that momment u cant think, ur just reacting and fighting. and now my groin kicking knee is red and hurting bc i kneed the shit out of those guys. I'm really glad i went thru that. i think i wanna do it again on monday just to get a better grasp on the other techniques. i kicked some butt today, i'm very proud of myself, y'all should be too. although i would now like to thank all of y'all for helping me reach this point where i can defend myself so well, bc if i had practiced fighting with y'all (brent, my bro, joser, lasu, charles) I wouldnt be nearly as prepared to defend myself. so thanks jonathan for trying to kill me on more than one occassion, it really did pay off in the long run. and brent, thanks for letting me practice my groin attacks the dumb fuck who tries to rape me will appreciate my expertise.

<---see those are the red suits
<---Melissa is in this picture (1st on left, bottom row)

its 16 degrees outside! thats some bullshit. i've said it before, and i'll say it again I was not made for this weather, its pointless. this isnt the way ppl were supposed to live, or at the very least this isnt the way i'm supposed to live, my face gets all cold, my nose turns red, i cant see where i'm walking bc i'm trying to get my hat to cover half my face....its annoying. i will not go to grad school here i will not. i refuse!

oh and i have made the decision to not go to italy next year, basically i need to do whatever it takes to get into a great ph.D program, and that means staying here, getting things published, writing a thesis, and taking grad classes next year. So I'm going to go to italy in the summer, probably not this summer bc i wanna spend next summer having fun in boston, but the summer after that. so this plan makes me happy and i feel odly comfortable in my decision even though my favorite annita and my favorite yara will be far away from here and i wont see them next year. But that is also okay because we (by "we" I mean me and anna) have decided to live a house away from one another with yara living in the middle, which is great because then yara can homeschool my kids so i can have a real job. That and i wont have to live next to anna and her paki husband.

umm i think thats it. i like lasu's idea of doing a cliffnotes version so i'll do that since my post are rather long sometimes.
Cliffnotes: not going to italy for yr, staying at moho and becoming famous. the cold =bullshit and chapped lips. anna =paki husband.

happy birthday andy!

everyone should wish the old man a happy birthday, so go wish him a happy birthday (do it)

umm yea, this is a bad sign, 2 wks left in the semester and i cant make it to italian...i should have just stayed in boston...eh oh well.

right so i've been missing in action for the last couple of days so i'll do a quick rundown of where i've been.

tues night: drove to worcester and dropped andy off at bus station at 10pm which allowed him to return to boston 6hrs before departure. began the bond marathon with The Spy Who Loved Me. attempted to do italian. was mildly successful.

weds: woke up to Monster's Inc. watched that and the end of a cooking show. went to southbridge mass, to my brother's friend toni's house, and played with some cats and a large black poodle. played a bad game of trivial pursuit, and watched an indiana jones movie. did some ws readings.

thrusday: went to conneticut for dinner. i have no idea what city i was in. watched a dog show and some football. umm went back to southbridge and watched Someone Like You, or maybe more bond, i cant remember.

friday: returned to worcester. hit up target and bought andy a wonderful birthday present ( a bookshelf cube thingie), wrapping paper, a bday card, and a bow. searched for more Get Better Bears but could not find them. watched more Bond movies (Goldfinger, License to Kill, Octapussy, and i dont know what else) was chastised by my mommy for not telling her i was heading to boston for the weekend, and drank Hawaian Punch, because it was the healthiest thing my brother had to drink after i finished off the orange juice.

saturday: watched changing spaces and was throughly amused. departed on the commuter rail for boston at 2pm. left carrying my backpack, my small suitcase, and andy's present which weighs about 30pounds. boarded the train and almost died carrying things on board. arrived in boston finally and began the process of getting to andy's. I took 2 subways and then walked a good 4-5 blocks to get to his house carrying the damn box and all my other stuff. on the 2nd subway i thought i was going to throw up/pass out from having to hold that damn thing. in retrospect it might have had something to do with the fact that i was all dehydrated from not drinking water...damn my brother and his drinking mountain dew like its some sort of water substitute! i finally arrived at his house and collapsed onto the floor. umm then andy opened his package and i collapsed onto a dirty sofa. eventually we went to dinner and ate a yummy shrimp cocktail and a pizza. we had a brownie thingie for dessert. i wanted cheesecake, but since we were celebrating andy's birthday he got to pick.

sunday: made breakfast ( which was really yummy), we assembled his bookcase (easy assembly my ass), and left to return to moho. we started running to get there in time, but i almost died so we took a cab. arrived to find that the line was insanely long, so i was afraid that i would not be able to get on the bus bc there would be no more room left. but they put all the college kids on a seperate bus. since the traffic was so awful though, the driver went around the long way and i got home about 3hrs after i left from boston. i went to the library to find my stupid italian movie, but it wasnt there, and i returned to my room to find a Fire Code Violation Sheet for my paper lights. which is bullshit since their not even plugged in! i hope i dont have to get ride of all my lights bc i would really be upset then. i think i'm going to fight it. and then i talked to my mommy, and she said it would be okay for andy to stay with us for a couple of days at the end of december which is wonderful bc that means that i get to see him twice during break! yay!

and yea, i have a ton of work to do. this week is going to do me. oh well. i get to see andy on friday and then its the formal! yay! i cant wait to see anna's dress...and to get this work done....now to bullshit a paper on an italian movie that i never saw....