is confusion really supposed to be this big a part of my life?

i really dont know what i want. although i know what i dont want so i guess i could just work things down from there. going to alesha's wedding and watching her walk down the isle in a huge white dress i felt like i was attending her funeral not her wedding. like that was the end of her life, but it was more the death of her spirit of the person i fell in love with in 3rd grade. of the girl that i would stay up for hours and hours with and laugh, dream, and breathe like it was all one action. when i gave her a toast i almost started crying, but i've been socialized well enough that I didnt say what I wanted to say which was something along the lines of threatening her husband with bodily harm if her ever hurt her, which he will at some point...they always do. i said something along the lines of being honored to be there at her wedding and wishing her all the happiness in the world bc she deserves it. and she does, but i just couldnt help being sad at how her life was turning out.

which just made me realize just how little i wanna get married right now. throughout the wedding i just kept chucking bc the best man was shaking just holding the wedding rings, like he didnt want anything to do with them. and in the car we talked about it and it just cememented the fact that i dont think i could be happy living in the suburbs and driving a volvo right now. or anything soon for that matter. it just feels too much like walking down the isle is akin to giving up ur life, like i had to control myself from laughing when the priest said that alesha was going to have to be submissive to her husband.

i have too much breathing, laughing, and dreaming left ahead of me for to get married. although its a nice daydream, and it feels secure, and safe but its not for me. not right now.