todays thought is that if i could do it all over again, i would. I'd start at the very beginning and i'd do it all much better. the thought is also followed by, why the hell wont my curtains stay up? and why is Boston so far away?

i've done absolutely nothing today. well minus going to lunch and writing random emails. but none of the things i was supposed to do. like writing my angry delta letter. oh well. i'm enjoying being a bum.

I'm incredibly proud of myself. I hung two curtains on my wall, basically doing a very trading spaces type makeover to my room. I think spending last week watching those shows all the time just made it so i couldnt help myself. But I'm really proud of myself bc it looks amazing, like my room feels like my room now. I'm even more excited about next yr and what I'm going to do with that room. My wonderful Andy bought me one of those hanging hammock type chairs while he was in Mexico today, which are illegal in the dorms, but whatever, I already figured out how to make it fit into my tiny room. soooo excited. even more excited bc I told Andy to find a job in Houston for the summer and that he could live with us for the summer, and he's thinking about it, which would be great like super great, like wonderfully great. but we'll see if it actually happens. I hope so.

i have a horrible craving for oreos. its really hard to go from eating whatever u want for an entire week (well my break was really more like 2 weeks) and then go back to the dorm food system. If i actually gained 10 pounds the week i was in Tampa like the scale at Ev's grandma's house said (the scale at the house was a little funny) then I'll end up losing it by going back to dorm food. which is sad bc i'm much cuter when theres more to me (i was gonna say chunkier but that i dont think i've ever been chunky.) right now i want a burger. and some double stuffed oreos that have been in the fridge and are cold. and i wanna lay out by the pool some more. yummm oreos.......and shrimp. i think i had a dream about eating shrimp last night. plus i have no motivation to do anything. plus andys still on break and its odd not having him around to talk to. or im constantly. or leave random messages to. ::sigh:: oh well 7 more weeks, well really 8 until i can leave.

i'm finally back at Moho. I went from Tampa to Houston (after the most horrible experience with an airline I've ever had. ever. i hate delta) and then from Houston back to Moho. I was only in Houston for like 3-4 days, but like 2 of those were eaten up by flying, so i dont know somewhere between 3 and 4. The trip in to Houston was unexpected, but incredibly wonderful, I got to see my Andy for a little bit before he headed down to South Padre Island for his spring break, and I was able to be there for my mom while she had surgery. It felt really good to be there for her. I even managed to squeeze in giving the dog a bath and a miny shopping spree. Very mini actually, but it felt good and normal to just go to Target and swing by the mall and just get what I needed and not have it be like an ordeal. Its actually been a really good day today, which is odd because travel days are normally really odd for me, just because its so sad to leave home, and long flights give u too much time to think of what ur doing with ur life and where ur going and why ur leaving people that you love, but the flight in today was really good, i got a snackpack with oreos in it, and i got hit on by a guy on the flight from Baltimore to Hartford, which is odd bc i dont get hit on like it doesnt happen, i give off the not interested/dating someone/not gay vibe and so it just never happens, so it was funny when the guy handed me his email address. Funnier still bc a guy in Tampa started trying to talk to me, so I guess I'm on some kind of airport streak. or something. but yea, todays been really good, made even better by andy calling me like 10 minutes after i got in from a really good airport ride.

i got really sleepy all of a sudden, but i just wanted to mention my sudden obssession with R Kelly's Igninition Remix....i dont why though. eh i'll ponder that while i sleep.

i'm in Englewood Florida from break, and so I'm cut off from the internet, but I'm getting to live the retirement life which is wonderful to say the least. We were supposed to go to Busch Gardens today, but the weather was icky this morning so we didnt. I've basically been surrounded by old ppl the whole time i've been here, but Ev's grandparents and family are nice and feed me well so I'm happy. Yesterday we went out on the boat and that was really fun, and we layed out on the breach all day, I have a little bit of a tan which is nice. ummm and yea, having shrimp for dinner every night is wonderful. oh and Ev takes golf waaaay too seriously, she's playing with old ladies tomorrow and is all worried about it. its silly. okay dinner time, i hope y'all are enjoying the week as well.

so I was running late to econ bc I had stopped in to get my mail bc today was the day that they sent out the notices telling ppl where it was that they would be placed next yr if they were hired as SA/HP's (I'm in S.Mandelle which is a little out of the way in campus but its really pretty, plus i get a single, so really what do i care) and i passed by Gabe's office on my way to class and he was there, which was funny bc he was supposed to be in class. But he was like "i was looking for you I have something for you. I brought you some chocolate" and I was like "huh? chocolate" and then i look and he had brought me a piece of chocolate cake, and so i got all excited and then i remembered that we had an entire conversation where we talked about him putting chocolate and tofu together into a cake and how wonderful it was and i was telling him theres no way tofu could make anything taste good. So I knew this was the tofu cake, and so the excitement of "thanks!" was followed by "hey this has tofu in it doesnt it" and he tells me that I'm supposed to taste it first, and now of course i dont want to bc tofu = bad in my brain. but i was polite and had a bite and it was good. It was really good. and i was dumbfounded and spent the entire ride up to class in complete confusion while Gabe laughed at me and said "i told you it was good." It was really good. I want more. But i'm still confused bc its like tofu and chocolate cant make cake. its really delicious though.

okay back to work i go.

i find it really amusing that i've now been in this part of the country for a yr and a half and i still check the weather like everyday because my mind cant really grasp the fact that its mid march and its STILL freaking cold. I keep checking the 10 day forecast just waiting for it to be warmer, like in the 50s at least and nothing. its really depressing, i look outside its sunny i can see clouds and its freezing outside. i just want to go outside and just need a sweater, i'm not even talking about getting to go outside in a cute little dress and some flip flops. ohhhh the relative warmth of 75 degrees in Florida is calling my name. i miss the heat of summer, i miss 90 degrees when theres that cool wind that comes in. i miss that feeling, and right now it feels like this damn winter is never going to end. ohhhh florida....i'm so glad i'm leaving friday. so glad.

i just watched Amistad for economics and it was a very powerful experience watching this movie, I'd never seen it before and it was just such an amazing movie. I think what got me the most from it was the violence depicted within the movie, i couldnt watch most of it bc i get really squemish about blood and people being whipped to death, but it just made me really think about the slave experience in America, particularly the feelings of freed slaves who were living among slaves. It was just a very powerful movie. At the end of the movie, there was a conversation where Cinque says to John Quincy Adams that he's going to summon his ancestors all the way from the beginning of time ih other to help them at this last trial before the supreme court, bc they have to help him bc in that momment he is the entire reason for their existance. and that really got to me, that idea of being connected to ur ancestors and being a living legacy to them, it makes me wish i knew further beyond my grandparents, and even saying that i know them is a little shaky, but just knowing what that story is, what their story was....I wish i knew.

so i had yara buy me 4 cans of tuna, bc i figured that would keep me alive until the end of the semester. Turns out that the cans arent the ones with the little flip tops that u can open w/out a can opener, they're just normal cans. so yara, being a sweetie, lets me borrow her can opener so that i can open my tuna cans when i get hungry. so of course tonight, studying italian i get hungry and want to open some tuna and have some tuna and ritz crackers bc well i'm starving. but this isnt like an eletric can opener or even one of those with the handels its just like some metal, a bottle opener thing, and a little turnie thing and thats it. so of course i have no idea how to use it. and i felt really pathetic considering what i am capable of doing, and that i did go to an engineering high school for 4 freaking yrs and i cant work this can opener. and i tried for like a good 30 minutes. i even goggled it and nothing. so finally yara came home and showed me how to do it. but now my tummy hurts and i wish i had never decided to eat tuna and ritz....

i've been thinking about Aaron (Spurling) alot lately. Mostly bc I have no idea where he is, or what he's doing, and I'm afraid that he actually signed up with the Marines, in which case he's been deployed by now. which is frightening to think about. i just really wonder where he is. so if any of y'all know where he is, just pass that info on to me. thanks.

also my brother came and fixed my internet explorer and got me this cool thing called Crazy Brower which is just too much fun to play with and makes me happy. i should do work though, and stop playing with my computer like i've been doing all day...oh well. to work i go. i hate being on duty, bc normally i dont mind just having to do work, i only mind it when i'm stuck here doing work. trapped. eh oh well, this is the last time this semester that i have to do it. so yay!

trying something out.

i'm in a surprisingly good mood today. well to begin with i got over my damn flu/cold whatever the hell that was. man that was awful. i went to the health center and told them about the sneezing and about my back and she gave me these cool disposable termometers and some allegra pills, bc she basically thought i was allergic to something. but i dont have any allergies so i dont know. but the drugs had nasal decongestant in them and so now i'm feeling tons better. so i think thats the beginning of my great mood today. its like waking up out of an awful nightmare or something.

umm but yea, today has been good. i showered and cleaned my room and organized things, and feel like i'm getting things done. not like school things, which i should be doing since i have 2 midterms this week, but like other things. like i talked to andy and we had a good conversation, like things arent perfect yet but they feel really good. He's gone away on a retreat this weekend, which sucks, but it'll give me like a day to just study. and my brother is coming tomorrow to help me figure out why my internet explorer keeps crashing on me, so thats really exciting, bc well he's family and you should always be happy when family comes to visit. oh and i'm going to Florida next friday!!!! this time next week i'll be retired and fishing. woohoo! and its warm there! i feel so good. what else...ohh i had a really good and long conversation with jose (serpas) and that was really nice, bc i hadnt talked to him in a while and that was nice. so giddy so excited and happy that i'm not sick and dont look like a battered woman anymore! yay!

yea yea i'm stubborn. yea i hurt my back like a month ago and its still trying to kill me. yea i just went to classes today with a goddamn fever, but i'm going to the health center tomorrow finally. mostly bc my mommy told me to go, and i figured if she was telling me to go then i should. (u can stop worrying now andy.) oh and for future reference, non-drowsy Dayquill still knocks u out. or at least it knocks me out.

thats all. i have a goddamn inservice tonight. but at least i'm drugged uo enough to not really care.

i think i have a fever, which cant be good.

i've just had really interesting luck since i've gotten back. to begin with when me and Andy walked around Boston in the rain I got all my stuff wet, I thought no big deal its just stuff and it can get that wet. Yea, turns out everything got soaked, including my checkbook and most importantly my ti-89. when i tried to turn it on this morning, it just wouldnt turn on, and i basically just flipped out. it was just way too much for it begin so early in the morning. That calculator just means a ton to me, not to mention thats its really expensive. so i got back from stats, and i picked up my mail and of course in the mail was the nifty usb cable that i had ordered the week before from TI, just to rub it in. so i went up to my rm and talked to andy and quietly mourned my calculator and he was really sweet about it and offered to email some MIT list to try to find me another one at a cheaper price. i tried putting another pair of batteries in it, but no to no avail, so i pretty much figured that i was screwed and was going to have to send my baby back to texas to have it fixed. but i decided to try one more time just changing the batteries and sweet talking it, so i walked over to the ghetto and overpriced camous store on the opposite end of campus and got new batteries and they worked! that was probably the highlight of my day, although econ wasnt that bad bc Gabe is just silly and has a really random train of thought. We're supposed to make "contracts" for the 4 projects we're gonna do this semester, like 4 essays or 1 big essay, or a short documentary film, or a webpage, or debates, or basically whatever else we wanna do. i dont know what i wanna do, but i'm gonna pick something that i would like to do anyways so that i dont end up not doing it. umm yea, and my back still hurts. i think my body is rebelling.

i screwed up my back just now. that wasnt smart. i slipped on some water in the bathroom and like pulled things in my back that dont like to be pulled. oh well thats what codine is for. now if only i had codine....
anyways i was in Boston this weekend. I was supposed to see Brent, but that didnt pan out with like the rain and his practice schedule, and my laziness. but i was really close to visiting him, so its like i did. or not. either one.
lets see what else, i have a 5 page paper due tomorrow by 5pm that i have not started on. plus a one page proposal. and i have to finish this thing for the CDC thats also due tomorrow, and i have italian stuff that needs to be finished. although if i just skip italian i dont have to do it. damn my back hurts.
lets do some highlights of the weekend:
* i saw andy
* i ate McDonalds
* i saw andy
* i walked around boston on saturday
* i ate lunch to the sounds of people having sex. (the guys decided to watch porn on the bigscreen)
* i watched the guys throw giant exercise balls at one another
* i watched them play basketball and be ridiculous
* i learned that men play volleyball professionally.
* i had Anna's taqueria twice in one weekend
* i did all my readings for econ (well minus 2 chapters) and my readings for women's studies
* i talked to andy's middle brother
* i watched an awful game of beerdie
* i woke up to the sound of andy's neighboors having sex
* walked down newbury street in the rain with andy and saw pretty parts of Boston I'd never seen before
* i had the pleasure of waiting an hr for my ride in the rain.

all in all a low key but good weekend. i probably wont be in boston again until after spring break, so 4 weeks or so from now when its warm (hopefully) i'll be there again.

andy came to visit and things are better. i dont know why we fight, its really silly and pointless, we're both way too attached to ever break up. but things will be different now, but in a better way. i will make this a much more positive experience, yea i hate this weather it depresses me. yea it sucks to be in the middle of nowhere massachusets, yea i havent seen the sun in days, yea i dont really like women, but my room is happy, and i've made good friends. and its not like god hates me and i was born in this godforsaken place, so its not like this is permanent. its not. i'll keep myself busy and see Andy as much as possible and do my best. i wasnt made to live in this kind of weather but i'll make the best of it.

this is my own personal pep talk. things will get better, it cant be cold and dreary forever.

i'm bored.

not in the "i cant figuare out what to do today" kind of day where really u just need something to jump start your day, but i'm bored in a much deeper sense. like i'm stuck, i'm trapped, i'm sufficating, i stopped living and i'm just observing my life. i'm tired of the four walls in my single. theres no one to enjoy them with. i'm tired of this place. i'm tired of being surrounded by women, i dont know how i ended up here. i'm tired with this semester, with my 4 classes that arent that hard and aren't challenging me. i'm tired of south hadley and of the fucking snow. i feel trapped here. there's nothing to do here that i havent already done.

i've just spent the day really thinking about it and i dont know why i'm here. yea, its a great school. yea i wanted to get the hell out of Texas. but i miss my mom. i miss good food. i miss actually being excited about dinner. i miss being excited.

i'm just bored. bored with my life and with this place.

I want a really good bacon burger. maybe i'm just hungry. or maybe i just realized that somehow i ended up a girl's boarding school. maybe i will graduate next year. i dont think i can take this place for another 2 yrs.

next time around i'll do things better. i'll be nicer to my parents, save some money, buy a mac in the first place, and date a man who doesnt have to have his arm twisted to come see me. and i wont live in south hadley. next time around i'll do this better...i will.

Here are some interesting opinions on the war on Iraq. The rest can be found here.

Spike Lee is the director most recently of 25th Hour.
Not in favor of war on Iraq. Bush is hoodwinking and bamboozling the American public.

Ben Karlin is co-executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.
Do I favor a U.S. invasion of Iraq? I am only in favor of war with Iraq if the entire affair takes place between the morning of February 21st and the evening of Sunday March 2nd. This is because The Daily Show will be on hiatus during this period, and, historically, massive loss of life has proven not conducive to producing a comedy news program. I would remind the president as he and his generals go about their plan that in a war, the first casualty is the ease of my job.

Eli Attie is the former chief speechwriter to Vice President Al Gore and a co-producer of The West Wing.
We can all agree that Saddam Hussein's a bad guy. But last time I checked the U.N. charter, invasion of sovereign nations wasn't a popularity contest. There's a dangerous precedent here, and an even more dangerous distraction: Osama Bin Laden's still at large. The Taliban's back in Afghanistan. North Korea's openly threatening total war. Is Iraq really the biggest threat we face? Is it really worth enraging our allies, committing billions of dollars and thousands of lives? Saddam's villainy isn't enough. If there's a broader case to be made, this administration has yet to make it.

this weekend was really interesting and good. for one because of the damn snow it started when i left for boston on thrusday and didnt end until today when i went to class. It was nice to get 2 days off because of the snow. umm lets do a run down of the weekend:
* I got to see Andy
* I saw the Vagina Monologues on Friday at UMass Boston, w/Andy and it was a great show. I wish i could have seen it at Moho but oh well
* All my good friends showed up on Saturday and we went to the mall.
* I bought the best stuff from Kiehl's, that made me super happy
* Watched Anna get made over by the MAC ppl
* Got dressed
* Got beautiful flowers and card from Andy
* Began the pre-drinking
* Took an insane amount of pictures with friends
* Got to the dinner table and between 5 ppl killed a large bottle of white wine
* The salad came out and we began drinking bad red wine out of a box
* This guy started singing a Boys to Men song and it was both amusing and awkward and I distinctly remember chugging 2 things of wine thru it, and i remember looking at my glass....
and then after that it gets really fuzzy. I remember people screaming at me, someone picking me up, people restraining me, wanting to get out of my icky dress, and really nothing. I dont remember much, just the damn spinning that at first was fun but then made me want to cry/kill myself to make it stop. I came to around 3ish and the left side of my head really hurt, it seems that i banged my head against the toilet. It still hurts. I took a shower around 4ish, and went to bed around 5ish. I woke up at 9:42am and the spinning had calmed down to a gentle rocking which i could live with. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up the damage that I had done the day before and apologizing. No one really knows how much I had to drink, I think there were many places where it all went wrong though. Like how I started drinking before everyone else did. Before I even got to the table I was at 3 drinks. Then the white wine began and there was something about a team when the red wine came out, and it was at that point that I realized it was highly unlikely that i would be able to hold a liter of wine in my body. I dont think I'll be doing that again any time soon, or ever again, either one. It really sucks to wake up the next day having pissed off one of ur great friends, and not being able to remember what exactly u did.
Sunday night I had a yummy Thai dinner and got my present from Andy which was perfect. I left the next morning at 8am right when it was starting to snow. It didnt stop snowing until Tuesday, so everything that i had was canceled. I was really upset because I could have stayed in Boston an extra day. Its now Wednesday and I'm starting to get sick, but its just a cold so I should survive.

-how am i doing?
-Amazingly thanks for asking.

today is a great day. i get to see andy, which is always a treat, but more importantly today is the day that my mother got her test back and learned that its over. No more cancer, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more doctors, and no more test.
today is a beautiful day.