fools like me

The last two days have been a long series of a phenomenon known as the flutterjinx. The flutterjinx is a concept much too complicated to explain so suffice it to say you do not want the flutterjinx anywhere near you. The flutterjinx however surrounds me and now leaves me here writing this at 11am on a Sunday morning still a bit tipsy from last night. Because the last two days went so horribly wrong that I decided the only way to balance out the good to bad ratio would be to take 4 shots [3 big reds and something ingeniously called an abortion] + an amaretto sour + the strongest drink known to man in a 2 1/2 hr period. On an empty stomach.

Why were the last 2 days so bad? please let me tell you in list form:

1. Friday afternoonish my mom's car overheated and stalled while I was about a block from her job. I had just gotten off the freeway so it could have died while I was actually on the freeway and then I would have died and been a byline in the chronicle, "22 year old woman crushed to death by 18 wheeler on 610 N". Thankfully, I'm cute and was a genius and wore a little skirt so some impossibly nice man who looked exactly like cee-lo pushed my car into a gas station, did stuff to my car, explained everything he did to my car while calling me mami, and kept the creepy old mexican men away from me until my mom showed up. I'd like to take a moment to thank the patriarchy for having this man feel the need to rescue me. Thanks P! You almost made up for trying to take away my rights. Almost.

2. We rode with the tow truck driver (also an impossibly nice man) to the dealership were my mom proceeded to rip the owner of the dealership a new one. This took 2 hours. I was starving. I was bored. It was hot. We finally get in the loaner car, and it wont start. I then proceed to start laughing hysterically because obviously the universe hates me. It then started and all order returned to the world, but by then it was so late and I was so hungry that I had lost all interest in leaving my house and interacting with other human beings.

3. The next day we go to the Dynamo game. Its at 3pm. There is no shade. Houston at 3pm on a clear sunny day makes the surface of the sun seem cool and breezy. So it was a billion degrees. And the big guys sitting in front of me blocked my view. And the game was awful. I sat through a 90 minute game in a billion degree weather sitting on aluminum seats, and we lost the game. I wanted to cry it was so horrible. And now I'm sunburned and have a weird tan. Because I am an idiot who didn't wear sunscreen.

4. I sat through an improv show at a comedy club. Why did I go to a comedy club? Because I am an idiot and as such was punished severely for even thinking for a brief passing moment that a comedy club could be anything other than hell. Not only did I go to a comedy club but I rushed home from the game showered, straightened my hair, got pretty, and skipped dinner so that I wouldn't be late. To a comedy show. Yea. I'm an idiot.

5. I then went to a bbq in the middle of who knows where downtown with a bunch of people I didn't know because by that point my day was not shitty enough and I just wanted to push it over the edge. I could have just pulled a Punxsutawney Phil, seen my shadow and gone back into my hole, but nooooo I hate having a good time. I hate having a good time so much that I will go out of my way to ensure that I walk right into my #1 least favorite scenario ever: walking into a party already in progress where everyone knows one another but you. For added kicks though I decided to go with a guy who likes to pretend he doesn't know me every other week and drank a coke because the only options were beer and some unidentifiable punch. So I sat there in full sobriety and embraced the complete awkwardness of being the new girl who is completely overdressed because she thought she was going to a club tonight, not a bbq with a bunch of hipsters and who knows absolutely no one and hates strangers.

I stayed for about 30 minutes and then bolted. I literally ran out the door and to my car. I nearly impaled someone with the heel of my super strappy shoes, my excitement was so great for getting the hell out of there.

And then I drank. A lot. Because I can only take so many bad stupid things happening before I start feeling like the universe hates me and I need to go hide under the covers until the bad juju passes. I didn't hide though. I drank. And bitched and whined and moaned until the delicious shots killed my brain and then I exploded into a fit of giggles. And had an entire conversation about anal sex and anal beads and why I wish I was into women but sadly am not. And then I got home at 5 something in the morning. Which of course made my mommy love me even more.