yes.

there is something really cruel about having to stay on campus a week longer than i need to. even though its finals time i'm not stressed. all of my big work was due at the midpoint of the semester. so i just have biology left, and its one of those things were i have to take the exam to pass but even if i do ultra well i wont get an A. so its all a matter of showing up. so i've been watching a ridiculous amount of movies since its really the only thing to do in south hadley.

so yea. saying i'm bored is an understatement. i made a to-do list which includes gems like: sweep, throw out trash, re-write notes, and balance dorm checkbook. oh the excitement.

good news is i finally have a plane ticket home and will be flying on the wonderful southwest, soo i know no matter if it decides to snow like its never snowed before i know that by early afternoon i'll be Texas next Tuesday. and that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy like you wouldnt believe.

also i took this quiz. i took it roughly 20 something times, and was considering being Chile but decided that the Vatican was really funny.

You're Vatican City!

You're pretty sure that you're infallible in all that you do or say, and
it's hard to say whether you're right.  You have a lot of followers, most of whom will
do whatever you say without question, or line up to see you ride around in your spiffy car.
 Religious and reserved, you have some wisdom, but also a bit much contempt for everyone
around you.  You're also fabulously wealthy, no matter what you say to the contrary.

Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

ps. here are some really adorable things I found on the web:
*Passing time in the loo. a book.
*tabletop Garden Gnome!
*a day at the beach. for your desk.
*massage deck!
*a pig cutting board. adorable! and delicious.
*a rabbit cutting board! even better!
*magnets! you can write on!

fa-bu-lous break

i had a really amazing thanksgiving break. i learned to play Halo2 and i now know that if I'm every in a situation where I'm in a team and doomed to die my instinct is to hide and run away. i also watched a ton of west wing episodes. and became addicted to law and order. i made really yummy hallacas. andy made really yummy tamales. the kapustas made a really good pumpkin pie. and had a really nice dinner. especially since we were eating dinner with about 8 other frat boys. but it was really fun. probably one of the best breaks I had.

ev and I did learn though that we're not the domestic goddesses we thought we were since it took us about 3 hours to make a pumpkin pie that ended up being burned on top. but then again i dont think either of us honestly thought we make good housewives.

and what else? i sleep. and watched the incredibles with brent and his girlfriend. the movie was actually a bunch better than i thought it would be. and brent's girlfriend was really nice.

ah and i ate a really amazing burger in the back of a bar. and it was heaven.

now its over though. and i cant leave western mass until dec.22nd at the earliest. even though i only have one final. and everyone i like gets to bolt out of here as soon as their classes end.

on the plus side i had a really great break playing house with my boyfriend and spending a bunch of time with ev. now to just will myself to go back to my normal schedule of school and meetings. blah.

You are 93% Cancer

How much do you match your zodiac sign?

* silly beavers.

* no good can come from this, it's like the plot of a bad B movie.

did you know that heterosexual couples have more anal sex than homosexual couples?

After much deep and careful thought I've figured out the answer to our nations problems. We need to have more unprotective sex. And I know you're thinking "now Jessica I tried that last time and thats how i got the clapp" but I think this time it'll be better.

Here's why, the problem is that as liberal democrats and just hyper educative conscious people we're too smart for our own good. We dont have enough children because we know how to read and can put on a condom. or know how to save money and get an abortion. and if not that then we're educated enough to know that at 13 there's no way we can save enough money to send our kids to Harvard, so we give them up for adoption. and i think this is where everything is going wrong. either that our we're hyper evolved and are able to overcome our homophobic society and just love and lust after whomever we love and lust after. even if we have the same pieces. imagine that.

but i'm getting off track. the point is that progressive people need to have and raise more progressive children. and we need to do it now. because the problem isnt that we dont know how to talk to conservative america. its that conservative america is full of idiots who think jesus elected bush. we're outnumbered and its time we changed that.

alternately we could just each resolve to steal and raise republican children. but i really think my way is more fun. plus republican evangelical christian children have coodies and remind me of the children of the corn.

all abstinence, all the time

like always its been an interesting week. not interesting in the way were cool things happen and you're all excited and giddy, but interesting in the way were you realize funny things. like i can write a ten page paper in about 9 hours by basically writing in a trance and staying awake on pure will power. and all this time i thought i needed caffeine. silly me. what else? my dad never calls me with good news. and fire drills are stupid.

i'm also noticing that i dont have good weeks. like first year i used to have awesome weeks were everything went right. but now basically everyweek i'm like when can it get to friday so i can have a drink and forget this week ever happened. although in my defense while it may be 2pm on a friday when i have a drink, i only have one. and then i take a nap.

this semester is all about the naps.

* oh texas! how i miss thee.
* flies that decapitate ants. brilliant.
* best letter to the editor. ever.
* porn. it does more than kill kittens.
* "Maybe terrorists don't like the cold."

Did you know that Superman is Jewish?

Its been one of those days where I've been working all day but havent actually accomplished anything. Well anything thats due this week. I'm looking foward to not having to do homework as soon as i get out of this place. i love mount holyoke and all but i'm tired of school. i have no motivation and most of my conversations consists of talking with other seniors about how little work we want to do. hopefully next semester will go by quicker and before i know it i'll be in my adorable cap and gown walking across a stage and getting a fake diploma. so yea. time needs to move faster and i need to find my motivation.

or i need to just drive my car back to texas so i can have some delicious carne asada with tostones while drinking a colombiana. now that would be awesome. and the perfect thing to get me into some sort of working mood. or something.

the good thing for you is that when i dont do my work instead of procrastinating like normal people i read news instead of downloading porn or blowing up aliens. so enjoy this weeks wide and varied link selection:

* the future is six years from now
* interesting
* Did you know that John Steward is Jewish?
* Jesus needs to stay away from my uterus.
* British bookies think Hillary has 5-1 to be President in 2008
* babies are cannibals. eew.
* "I was returning home from school when a monkey suddenly pounced on me, scratched my head and hand and pushed me to the ground," said Jolly Sharma, a 6-year-old girl.
* 51.6% of twentysomethings voted, which is great because it means P.Diddy only has to kill the remaining 48.4%.
* Shamelessly stolen from my brother.
*this is too gross

there are more of them then there are of us

so yea. now what? its obvious where the majority of the country stands. and its a scary and depressing thought. I had the feeling Bush would win. probably because I'm a pessimist. mostly because in my heart I knew that its not enough to just hate the other guy with a passion. your guy must be someone that you just as passionately love. I never loved Kerry. politically he was too much a coward, too afraid to speak his mind, too concerned with not alienating the "conservatives."

where did it all go wrong? where did we, as liberals, go wrong? what does it say about our electoral system when you concede before 3 states' electoral votes have been accounted?

why do I want to be a citizen of the united states?

Bush winning is bad enough. the fact that all 11 states voted to ban gay marriage is like John Stewart said "just like this bad dream I had the other night." its depressing. utterly all consuming depression.

how can you ban love? with so much hate in the world why regulate love? I don't understand it. I just don't.

I had the honor of getting to meet and talk at length with Marcie Hershman (who teaches creative writing at Tufts) author of "Tales of the Master Race". The novel presents the Holocaust from the perspective of ordinary Germans, through a series of short stories. For me the novel helped explain how ordinary Germans could allow the Holocaust to happen. Strangely enough, even though incredibly hard for me to read, it gave me hope, especially in these troubling times. That the little acts of resistance that we do add up to something. I have to hope that they do.

So on that note. Obama for 2008! or Hillary for 2008! we'll make it through another 4 years. we just have to. and hopefully old republicans will just croak already and stop voting. that at the very least brings me some comfort.

Some random links to keep your mind off things:

* drugs are bad
* have all the sex you want with 17yr olds, just dont tape it.
* this guy needs a different hobby
* did you know that vibrators were the fifth thing that was connected to electricity? right after the sewing machine, the tea kettle, the toaster and the fan and before the vacuum cleaner. now with a history like that why would Alabama ban them?
*eek!
*a vaguely hopeful political link

sadness

I had the most awesome-est post ever. but blogger ate it. it was wonderful. but alas it was not meant to be.

lets see, did you know that 95% of white american men in the 1950's broke the law along the way to an orgasm? this was one of the many interesting tid bits that i learned while reading the parts of the kinsey report. now i just want to read the whole thing though.

and what else. i'm addicted to popcorn, partially because its the only thing in my room that i can quickly make without a microwave. but mostly because popcorn is delicious. i had my senior picture on friday and in spite of mr.pattersons' wonderful coaching i think the pictures are going to be bad. i dont know what it is but its incredibly hard to take a good picture of me. i think its because i dont do the fake smile so i dont smile and it just looks weird. but at least my hair looked good in it since i decided to get it cut and straighted the night before. so its really cute its like punky japanese schoolgirl, but in a good way. i dont think it'll look so nice when i dont feel like straightening it, but thats what hats are for.

mostly i'm just out of it. all i want to do is paint and write and sleep. especially since its becoming increasingly harder to just fall asleep at night. i swear i dont actually get any quality rest until 9am when i have to get up to go to class. i need to find my motivation. its out there somewhere.

okay here are some links:

*if i ever become a politician's wife i want be like her.
*awesome election rage advice
*if voting twice was against the law why didnt anyone tell me?
*if for some odd reason you havent seen emimen's mosh video, then you should. its interesting to watch it in terms of class and race. and something more substancial than i'm used to seeing from a mainstream artist.
*this might just be the funniest thing ever. possibly not safe for work.
*got an std? then this is for you.
*dont think you have an std? umm think again.
*informative read on african american women and hiv
*want to go to med school, but have no money? go to cuba

a little rioting is good for the soul

its family and friends weekend at my school which always just weirds me out. partially because my parents would never think of coming for family weekend (its too far and it would just be weird). mainly though its the fact that other people's parents just creep me out. maybe its the thought of old people reproducing that creeps me out, or how strange other people's family are. especially in college because by this point people's parents are just strange entities that for the most part you dont meet.

i saw the motorcycle diaries last night. it was really fabulous. a bit slow for my taste (i think there were more stories they could have told about the trip without getting rid of a lot of the necessary silences within the film). but then again i could watch gael stare at a wall and still consider it a good movie. he's just such an awesome actor. i think its because you can see the wheels turning in his head. so go see it. its a good coming of age type of film. and helps you better understand how che became che. i came home though and someone had written "che is dead...thank god" on my white board which i found really obnoxious since i doubt they know very much about che (a very complicated and brilliant man who i think was sincere in his ideals) and even if they did know anything about che i dont think any one deserves to be murdered by the CIA and have pictures of your body taken at the morgue like your some kind of fish they just caught.

what else. went to boston on wednesday and saw the red sox win and went out to fenway to see what a riot looks like. it was actually really calm with college kids just hanging out and chanting to one another. i was disappointed. i thought i was going to see mayham. but it was the riot police that scared me. i wanted andy to take a picture but he didnt. instead we took pictures of people climbing on top of billboards. then the police with their big horses pushed us all out of the area and i thought i was going to suffacate since being that close to people just freaks me out sometimes. plus knowing that if you fall you will only be trappled doesnt make me a very calm person. but we got out of it alright. we stuck around to see if anyone was going to set anything on fire but nothing like that happened. so we left. come to find out later that a college student was killed when the police shot rubber bullets into the crowd to calm people down. although the logic behind shooting people to calm them down makes absolutely no sense to me. we think it happened like a block from where we were. its really tragic. she was going to turn 22 next week. she was just like us, going to celebrate and be a part of history.


*an interesting link: http://www.slate.com/id/2108575/
*interesting to read the official account of what happened: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3944365.stm

the good with the bad

i'm having an interesting week. Things are going good. I've managed to do all the readings needed for my classes. All my response papers have been written and turned in ahead of time. So my life seems to finally be putting itself into order. Plus since I know everything there is to know about photosynthesis i rocked my bio exam and got an A which means that I can breathe a little easier and not have to worry too much about the labs.

which is exactly where things always start to go wrong. my body is exhausted. i havent slept for longer than 4 hour streches for more than a week now. my readings are depressing me. i have a 10 page paper thats looming on the horizon. my job is taking its toll on me. too much responsibility and as always i'm filled with doubt that i'm not doing it well enough. to top it off my mom is having surgery on friday to remove another lump. this time their saying its preventative but i've been in enough hospitals and dealing with enough doctors for long enough to be concerned.

but i'm not there. thats the point. i cant go to the hospital with her and hold her hand and joke about how shes wearing heels and makeup for surgery. i'm over here. it hits me that i'm not going to be there for her when i leave school either. i'll always be away.

at least my brother is there though to be with her. that allows me to not be as worried.

oh the upside i'm always better able to focus on my schoolwork when i'm in crisis mode, so at least i know my grades are gonna rock this semester.

some links:
http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/thebodiespolitic/

i <3 the west wing

I've decided that when people ask me what I'm going to do in Erie I'm going to start telling them that I'm going to start popping out babies and be a stay at home mom. And I'm going to do it with a smile.

and since when do complete strangers get to tell me how to live my life? seriously.

*storm lighter. a fabulous idea.

my ikea catalog finally arrived

yea. so i'm obsessive. about everything really.

Like I was excited about getting a kitten when I moved to Erie, so I researched breeds of cats and learned how to take care of kittens. i did this obsessively for like a week straight.

I am now obsessed with my indoor plant. i just repotted it today and i need to just leave it alone because i definately just spent over an hour sprunning it and having sure it was sitting in the pot perfectly straight. this was preceded by an hour of research where I read up on how to repot a plant and then about how to keep my plant healthy and thriving. i basically found out that the place that i had my plant was going to kill it since it was on my windowsill which means it was getting the cold air from outside and then really hot air from the radiator (which is right in front of my window) so i had to move it. this means that i'll have to leave my lights on all day while i'm gone so that my plant gets enough artificial light.

i'm a big dork. but i love it so thanks ok. i'm more of a gigantic dork because i'm playing miles davis for my plant since it needs some music to calm itself down from the traumatic experience of me taking spurning leaves and cutting roots.

also i finally got my pictures developed from alesha's wedding. so in the time that it took me to get the film developed alesh got married, seperated, and got re-engaged to someone else. this is why i need a digital camera.

and now for the link dump:
* a good idea from the finns. especially since my traffic tickets would be like $10.
* hope that i'll be able to do something with my life after college. because really if Ashtin Kutcher can major in biochemical engineering, i can do anything.
* the st. bernards are gone. sadness.
* umm who does this?
* and if they elect this man i may just move out of the country.
* but in case i move to italy this is good to know

speaking about politics though i'm starting to think that either way the presidential election goes it'll be okay. because if kerry wins then we get rid of bush. which is fabulous. but if he looses then Hillary will completly run for office and will win by a landslide. so its a win win either way. well really a win lose/win. but yea. i'm hopefull.

right so

i keep thinking of things to blog and then i dont. basically my week goes something like this:

go to boston because i have to get off this campus and not work because the week was hard ----> come back sunday and realize that the weekend is gone and i've done no work but sucks to be me because i have to go to umass and watch a boring long movie in black and white ----> come back and realize that i must go to sleep but cant because i have a gatrillion emails to respond to ---> wake up early monday to run errands that werent done last week ----> go to class exhausted ----> run more errands ----->inhale lunch---->more exhausting---->inhale other food----> meetings more meetings and then somewhere in there bs some work ---->get no sleep---->more exhaustion in classes----> stop eating because there is not enough time---->go to class hungry and exhausted ----> more meetings----> and then once the week is over run away to boston and repeat the cycle.

so umm yea. i cant wait for break to get here because dammit i need a break. and some sleep.

in other news:

Britney Spears has completly lost her mind. And I love it.

http://everythingbritney.net/photos/brit-milkshakefun-sept26/index.html
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0924042_britney_spears_1.html
http://www.nerve.com/regulars/scanner/09_27_04/

and this is just sick. but something i might just apply for.

naked and famous

I'm doing what all great thinkers do when they have a ridiculous amount of work that they need to do in an impossibly short period of time. I'm ignoring it.

School is not my friend this semester. I need a break. Like this girl.

Speaking of breaks, mystic pig thinks that I should move to Erie. I think that settles it.

The Mystic Pig
	I asked the mystic pig: Should I follow my boyfriend? and the mystic pig said: Go for it! Ask the Mystic Pig another question created by ixwin

oh and this is cute. and depressing. all at once.

i dont know where you went when you left me

My graduation gown sits in the back of my closet. Its awesome and terrifying all at the same time. It doesn't particularly help that I feel like I'm trying to do too much and don't quite know how I'm going to get all of it done. Like I have too many balls in the air and I'm trying not to drop them but I know some of them are going to have to go. Yea.

I can't sleep. Everytime I lay down I have a flood of thoughts drowing me. I've resorted to just curling up in a little ball and just hoping they'll go away. I need to just figure out how I'm going to keep myself sane this year. I dont really know though.

Its so frustrating though because things that should be easy arent. I cant register for my classes because I havent filled out a minor form, which is stupid because I've basically crammed 2 majors into my 3 years here, so why should I even worry about having a minor? ugh. and the stupid form is just sitting on the deans list and i've had the same conversation with the registrar's office at least 3 times now and they dont seem to get it.

and books cost money which i dont have. but i will have i just dont have right now. and i cant focus on anything because my brain just feels like its going to explode. and my friends are all stressed out, which makes absolutely nothing better.

and yea. i dont know how i'm going to get through this semester. but i need to figure it out soon because the time to hesitate is through. and i need to get on the ball and figure out what i'm doing. or start drinking heavily. or something.

my friends are all closet republicans.

so lasu took this quiz and I've seen it around before but never just sat down and took it to see where i stood. Basically I'm about as far left as you can go. Although will say that there were many questions where you had to say whether you agreed or disagreed with something and I knew that the reality of the situation was much more complicated. but eh. people like easy answers. So take the quiz and see where you stand.

Economic Left/Right: -8.12
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -6.15

"speaking of queers..."

so school has started but this school year is different for a number of different reasons like: i'm taking 3 courses off campus (hampshire, umass, and smith), i now am the happy "owner" of an adorable honda civic, and of course i'm a senior.

excitement.

its basically all randomness as I wander from one campus to another being the girl thats a little too conservative/clean for Hampshire, a little too snotty for umass, and bringing up really random points at smith. My fear is that this is going to be the semester where I turn into "that girl" that everyone hates, since she's just so excited she can't keep her mouth shut. I really cant figure Smith out since it really should be exactly the same as Mount Holyoke but I'm finding that this is the class whose readings are the most interesting, but the discussion isnt that stimulating until the Mount Holyoke block begins to raise random points. so umm yea. be jealous of my workload because really my classes rock. while other people are learning about [insert boring engineering things] i get to read about sex, politics, and current events. Mostly is all about sex.

ah i'm also learning about plants since this is the semester where i'm fullfilling my lab science requirement by taking bio.145 "A Green World" which is my one class at Mount Holyoke. and its filled with first years. delicious. i would seriously hate this class except that the prof is soo excited about plants that you cant help but really get into it. Like for example did you know that flowering plants are highly evolved and that the entire reason for that display is for sex. And the coconut is the largest seed.

so umm yea. i have a car. it rocks. plants are cool. and i'm exhausted already and its only the second week. but i love it.

* Bush is drinking again. (Which could be a good thing since when he was an alcholic he wasnt off destroying the world, he was just partying and having a good time.)
* the south is fighting the good fight again, this time with alcohol.
* Ugh. That's all i'm going to say about that.
* I'm starting to think that the kids who drop out of college are the most successful.

i am officially a senior

Today was convocation. which is one of our wonderful Mount Holyoke traditions where we welcome the incoming class while celebrating the final year of the seniors. This year it was our turn. We put on our caps and gowns, and put on some green (our class color). I basically thought I was going to bawl like a little girl the whole day. Thankfully I kept it together although I kept having these moments where I just wondered "How did we get here?"

The ceremony was indoors which was sad, but it was a great ceremony. The blessing was in multiple languages, and the faculty speech was amazing. And when we all stood up and sang our alma mater it was incredible. I love this school. More importantly though I love the women that I met along the way.

Okay as of right now I have one picture, but its in Ofoto. and I dont know how to give y'all a link. I figure if you really want to see it you'll figure it out.

its not always rainbows and butterflies

back at moho. it feels good to be back. had a little drama with the moving in process, but now my stuffs all here. its a good thing i have a fabulous boyfriend if not i would have had a major panic attack. but i didnt. so my rooms good so far. i have my lanterns up and stuff. so thats good. i just got to get my paintings up on the walls, organize my clothes, do some laundry and get rid of the weird storage place smell, and then i'll be all set.

it keeps hitting me in waves that I'm a senior and somehow i have all this responsibility now. with being in charge of a building and all. its nice but scary. as i guess all good things are in life.

i think my favorite part of being a senior is being around the people that i've surrounded myself with. who are just the most amazing women i have ever met. if theres any reason to come to moho its for that.

Convocation is tomorrow. I bought an adorable outfit for it, thats comfortable and cute and that makes me happy. which is really what matters. if i find a scanner i'll show y'all the pictures.

so much stuff floating around in my head its not even funny. so much little stuff that needs to get done. eventually. before classes start on thrusday. eek.

quickie

so last night was pure randomness with brent. we watched Garden State (i liked it. you should watch it. but it also made me feel very much like "i could have written that") then we proceeded to drive around downtown, check mail, stuff like that. fairly typical. then both of us needed to go to the restroom. so since we were in the Rice University area we were like "oh lets go there." this is where the evening turned memorable. basic life lessons were learned like dont touch anything at Rice.

yea we parked at the garage and then wandered around some management building. i noticed a door that was ajar and i tried to open it. which is when the alarm started blarring from the building. so of course i ran. and when i stopped i looked around and realized that brent was no where to be found. yea. i definately freaked out when i saw a string of ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars cruising by me. so i casually walked away like nothing had happened. still no brent. so i walked down some stairs and back into the parking garage and found brent's car when i sense that i'm not alone and turn around and there's brent. we then proceeded to wander around rice some more except that i refused to touch anything since i was trying my hardest to avoid being arrested in the last 5 days before i head back to moho.

eventually we drove over to the stadium and brent nicely asked some man to let us use their restrooms which is how i received a tiny tour of the Rice football lockers. if we had been on a scavenger hunt we would have totally won.

we drove around some more and by the very end of the night we were in Fort Bend county on a desolate road surrounded by pickup trucks and mosquitos. and when your alone in the car with a black man and you look like a white woman there's possibly no worse place to be at 11ish at night. so we turned around and went home.

*this is a good idea.

vacationing

okay this is just too cute and kinda horrific so i figured i'd share:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of thebank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

bwa-ha-ha

its been a really fabulous week. random but fabulous.

my boy visited and it was most wonderful. we got to go to Chacos which seriously puts crack in their tortillas. their delicious. and we watched the Olympics. and had dinner with my dad and my brother. basically when i retell it sounds really boring but it was the most fun stress-free time i've had all summer.

then i had my last 2 days at work. which were good. i had a really good time working for them this summer and I learned a ton of stuff and the people there were really nice to me. so all is good.

and then what else. leaving for MA in less than a week. still not completly sure how this plan is going to work and how i'm going to get there, but i'm ready to go back. i miss having my own room where I can watch my mindless tv without being judged for my addiction to bad tv. a little stressed since my folks havent paid my tuition bill in full so I cant register for classes, which doesnt matter since I havent filled out a minor form so I cant register for classes since I havent officially changed my major yet since I'm a really gigantimous slacker when I want to be. so yea.

oh and my mom is buying a house. in san antonio. sketch.

some links to keep you busy:
*i dont find her that attractive but eh different strokes for different folks. Ah the whole thing with her kind of makes me want to go annonymous since I know I'd have a bunch of more interesting things to vent about. but then I wouldnt give y'all the link because that would kill the annonymous bit.
*this week's news
*glad to know all is well in the world again
*and this is just cute

excitement.

so um. my parents are moving to San Antonio.

my boyfriend is going to be living in Erie, PA.

i dont want to live in pennsylvania. or in san antonio.

lovely.

save a horse. ride a cowboy.

there are many things that i love about Houston. and then there is an even larger number of things that I loathe about Houston. or maybe their just general loathings. for example:

**men leering at me: i have no problem with men looking at me. i have a problem with them leering and/or staring. once they start trying to talk to me and invade my personal space i have to just restrain myself from hurting them. i'm personally just to the point where i wish they would try something because i'd kick their ass. and then laugh. and point.

**traffic: i understand theres a lot of ppl in houston. i get it. but why it takes me 30-45 minutes to go 2 blocks is beyond me. like when theres an accident or something it makes sense. but everyday? ridiculous. whats sad is i've gotten to the point where if i get home from work in 45 minutes i'm like "oh wow that was quick" which is sick because it should take like 20 minutes since its all freeway to get there.

**idiots who cant drive: now i'm not the best driver in the world. i get it. i manage to hurt other people's cars when i'm walking (not a joke i completly broke some guys mirror with my elbow the other day). but its gotten to the point where i completly understand road range now. like when some idiot is driving in front of me on the freeway going like 45 (on the freeway) i have to restrain myself from slamming my car into theirs. or from flicking them off. which is why its a good thing i dont have a gun in my car.

**Bush stickers on hummers. or bmws. or Ford F150s: yea. I kinda wish i carried a carton of eggs with me so i could just egg peoples cars. but then i remind myself that everyone has a right to be an idiot. and to their own idiotic opinion. and yet still theres a part of me that wants to slash their tires. except that would only cement them in their own idiotic opinion. and then what.

so umm yea. venting makes things better. oh and i got a cellphone. even though i kinda hate cell phones. they annoy me and i think their rude and obnoxious. i like how i get things that i dont really want, but things that i do want i dont get. lovely.

and this might just be the most hillarious one yet. so read it. love it. loathe it. either one.

random ramblings

This marked my first week at work where I was the primary person in the office handling all the responsibilites. I even got a key, but with that key came the not so fun aspect of having to be into work by 9am especially since I'm not a morning person. And when you add in at least a half hour commute (when traffic is flowing incredibly well) then you have a situation when you get home and your just exhausted. but even with the exhausting I've had a lot of good things happen this week, like I found Pocky (the delicious Japanese snack)in the Randalls by my house. I like how I can buy Japanese goodies, Mexican cheese, Colombian malta(kinda rootbeer-ish soda), Kosher salt, and American bread at my neighboorhood store. The joys of living in a gigantic city. Although the traffic sucks enough ass to make me never want to live here permanently. Sad. but eh.

In other news my daddy is officially moving to San Antonio. The end of an era. Its been in the works for a while now, and after my daddy's heart scare it seemed like it might not happen but now it is happening my dad just needs to say when he's ready to go. Its sad but I've had enough time to process it so that it doesnt sting so bad. I've talked my mom into taking his phone number so I dont lose the one time thats been constant in my life since I moved here. Theres something insanely comforting about knowing that people that knew me in 6th grade can still randomly call me using the same number.

And what else. I found this great Argentinian bakery and deli by my house. If i went to college here thats where I would live reading my books and writing my papers. I wish we had a place like that in South Hadley. I've noticed that when ppl ask me were I go to school I'm really excited to tell them all about it. I figure that I'll educate the world about the wonders of Moho one person at a time.

My job is going ultra well since I pick up things insanely quickly. I can now process loan applications all by myself which means that I can review a credit report, gauge financial capacity, and evaluate the monetary worth of collateral all by myself. I can also close a loan application by myself too. Except ppl sometimes come in and since I look so young they assume that their loans are just too complicated for me. Which is stupid because trained monkeys could do the work that these ppl do. Except thats not nice to tell ppl so I've resisted the urge to be rude and just tell ppl that I understand their loan is important and that I've been trained very well. What I want to do is put them in their place and tell them that I'm smarter and better educated than they can ever hope to be, but thats not really the kind of attitude you can take when you work in a non-profit. Thus my conundrum in wanting to help people but really hating people sometimes. Eh. such is life.

My brother is coming back to Texas today. Which means I no longer have my parents all to myself so I have to share and I'm not so good at sharing so we'll see how this all plays out. But the good news is I'm back at Moho in 26 days. I'm unsure how I'm getting there and I have no idea what my room looks like. Although I know its huge. Which is good since I like huge.

I figure I'll spend my time home as best I can. Continuing to eat yummy food and learning how to cook "traditional" meals. and then before I know it I shall be back with my girls. ahh such excitement. The idea that I'm a senior keeps hitting me at random times, like on the drive home or in the supermarket. Eeek! It'll be okay though. I hope.

i buy alcohol because i can

Thanks to all of y'all that sent birthday wishes. I managed to have myself a good time. I ordered a fruity peach drink and had a nice big steak. So good food, good drinks, good time.

I was actually not carded though, which is a bit disappointing. I keep wanting someone to card me, but its just not happening yet. I figure I'll just keep buying alchol until someone decides to card me. I really just want someone to see my id, because I'm finally 21, so I feel like I should buy alcohol, because I can. Not really because I want to drink, but because I can. Like I went to Fiesta with my mom and we had just finished buying seafood, and I was standing there waiting for her to pick out her wine, and I was just like I'm going to buy some delicious malt beverage because I can. Not really because I want one, but because I can. Its a good feeling, and so silly really.

so umm yea, soooo excited about being a senior. Mucha anticipacion.

Ahh I also got these beautiful flowers from andy, so thanks for the flowers monkey their lovely. And thanks for the letter Jess it made my day!

alright heres a quiz, i did a bunch of different combinations, and this one was my favorite.

How to make a Jessica

Ingredients: 1 part competetiveness 5 parts ambition 1 part joy

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Serve with a slice of sadness and a pinch of salt. Yum!

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

oh and an interesting essay in case you have the time.

Dear Senior,

I received my first letter from my school addressed to me as a senior. I almost shed a tear. I'm so ready to go back to school and have my jess across the hall from me, my yara across the lake from me, and ev right in the middle. excitement. thinking about commencement and what i'm going to wear. i need to start shopping for green outfits since thats our class color. excitement.
 
i already found the most perfect dress for senior ball. so i need a laurel parade dress in white, i was thinking about a white pant suit, because i could rock a white pant suit but i dont know i might just want to wear a cute white dress. ahh decisions. and lets see what else. oh i received my graduation requirements so now i know what stands between me and a diploma (2 PE credits and a lab science). and thats school stuff.
 
i've been working at ACCION Texas as an intern and that's been going really well. There's only 2 people in the office besisdes me so I get to do alot of stuff. So I'm learning a ton and I think I'm getting a good sense of what I want to do and not do once I graduate. I just need to be busy if not I get really bored and start feeling like i'm wasting my time. which isnt cool. but umm yea. it fits into my grander plan of working for ACCION international, which fits into my even grander plan of living in Colombia. or Venezuela if they decide to stabilize themselves. which i dont think is going to happen. but umm yea. thats all.
 
excited about turning 21 finally. now i get to go out with the big kids and not have to stay home like a dork, unless of course i feel like staying home like a dork in which case thats what i'll be doing.
 
and some links to keep you busy:
 
*at least crazy liberals have fun.
*this is just too cute
* another new favorite thing

minesweeper owns me

ah the hazy days of summer when its completly socially acceptable to wake up in the afternoon, answer the phone, and then go back to sleep. except that this summer my brain is refusing to shut off, which makes it hard to enjoy doing absolutely nothing when your brain craves stimulating conversation and good books. unfortunately my summer book is still in the mail on its way over here and so in the meantime i have nothing to read, which isnt so pleasant. my attempts to go into the public library and read something else have been ruined by the fact that i'm now spoiled, and everytime i enter a public library i just think about how quaint it is and how this isnt a real library especially since all of my favorite authors are missing from their collections. and then i just think to myself "how is this a real library if irene klepfisz isnt included in it?" so then i just back away and leave the library sad about my lack of good summer reading.

but yea, so far this summer i've started the process of figuring out what i'm going to do this summer, and yea its late but its better than never starting at all. i sent my resume out to the one non-profit that seems to combine everything i love and do it well, but the problem is that they dont have a specific internship in Houston although they are offering two in San Antonio where the Texas branch of the nonprofit is based. personally i love them so much that if it came to it i would move to san antonio just to work for them, but hopefully they'll figure something out for me to do here in Houston. hopefully.

and what else. i'll keep it short and just leave y'all with things to go through on your own time:

*everything you ever wanted to know about intersexed births
*the stupidity of the bushes never ceases to amaze me (melissa, you should read this)

and a quiz just to keep things interesting:

I am an Intellectual



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim Cartoons

i need a new tribe

alright, so brent told me to post and since he just drove me around houston for like a good couple of hours and kept me entertained i'm going to humor him. but really i have nothing to post. its basically a ditto to what he posted. just basically that i'm bored, been bored since i got home and have started trying to figure out what i'm going to do once i graduate next may. its a little scary, but not so scary because i know how i want things to go down i just have to figure out how the pieces will fall.

but umm yea. basically the grass is always better on the other side. and right now i wish i was with my wonderful women back at moho where i can go on a rant about anything really and not have it be brushed off. i just have come to realize that i'm different. and sometimes this just makes it hard to relate to other ppl because my motivation in life is very different and i could care less about fancy cars and i think theory is facinating. so yea. i'm all over the place right now. i'm going to take the summer to figure things out with my man, my life, learn some portuguise, write some stories down, study for the gre's, volunteer at planned parenthood, and work for a nonprofit. and paint.

oh and i spent 13hrs with a 3 year old and it made me rethink having children. and it wore me out completly. and i probably never want to do that again. so yea. well see how this summer turns out. but i strangely want it to go slowly so i can think everything over and be ready for senior year, which i think is going to rule. i just need to swash some drama and get my classes in order for the year so that it'll work out.

wow

in the last 24hrs I have written 3 spanish papers and one 15pg econ paper. thats ridiculous, especially considering that I did the research the night of. ahh i should always pick topics that i can easily write, then my life will be much easier. but yea, my brain is shutting down, although i dont know why since i slept for 7 hrs, but yea it doesnt want to be awake right now. but thats too bad because i need to pack up my room and put everything into storage, which means that once again i will be saying goodbye to my computer for the summer and dealing with life without aim or checking my email every five minutes. eh. such is life. tomorrow if all goes well i shall be on my way to boston and enjoying living in an actual city for a few days.

i really should of hooked up my computer so that I wouldnt have this problem anymore...oh well. all thats left to do is just pack, throw things away, and one more meeting with my spanish profs. which i think will go really well.

i hate packing, even though i'm good at it because theres always this feeling that what was your home for a year is now over, and for some reason even though this semester was long i'm going to miss this room. but next year my room is bigger and better, and jess shall be living across the hall from me so i'll have someone to bother all the time. ::sigh::

alright kiddos i have to pack.

de|vel|op: vt. to make fuller, bigger, better

this has been an amazing semester. not always the most pleasant but I learned so much. and not in the hollow way where you learn how to find the speed of a car moving down a cliff, but in this astonishing way where you learn how to live your life, where you grow as a human being. i love this feeling. it reminds me of being five (and oh soo cute) and just walking around in constant awe of the world around me. somewhere along the line i lost that, i think it had everything to do with school and life getting in the way of things. school isn't very conducive to people learning to think for themselves, its more about teaching how to be a sheep and regurgitate what the teacher preaches as truth. why didn't anyone ever bother telling me that there is no such thing? i would have gotten sooo much more out of school that way.

the funny thing about this semester is that i've learned the basics: how to read, write, and listen. and now, even trying to explain that it sounds silly. "oh jes of course you know how to read, everyone knows that." do you really know how to read? are we really taught that? because reading isn't about just superficially reading the words, its about connecting fully with the text and the author, knowing who they're in conversation with, and what brought them to create this. this is how you read. and it takes forever, and its a bitch to do, but once you've done it the taste lingers in your mouth and you're hooked.

i think the most important thing i've learned this semester is to listen. like truly listen to other people, and not just like in one ear and out the other, but listen. everyone has something amazing to say. last night during my umass class (which lasted 5 hours) i heard some of the most beautiful, amazing, engaging, powerful, and intelligent work that i've ever heard in my life. it was a privilege. and this amazing work was coming from umass kids who i typically would have just shrugged off because they dont speak up in class and worry more about their gucci sunglasses than the reading. but the class was just incredible. and it felt so amazing to read my work, and show my paintings, and just breathe.

i thought i was going to have a panic attack before i went up there. the entire day i was having these horrible pangs of "what am i doing sharing these things with people?" i told a class of about 30 women things that i dont tell people. things that y'all dont even know about me. and it was amazing. for the first time in my life, i really took a risk and put myself out there, and it rocked. i feel alive. like truly alive. but most importantly i learned to let go of the outcome. you don't like what i have to say? thats too damn bad. i don't need you to like me. i'm a grown ass woman. and what i want to do with my life is write.

ps. this is fabulous. consider it your required reading for the night.

dropped my ankle down

okay so i'm lisening to Freek-a-leek and i realized that in that entire lines of names there aren't any jessicas and then i realized that i've never met a black woman named Jessica. which is pretty interesting. well actually i knew one in middle school but she was creole so she was part french. probably one of the most attractive people i've ever met in my life.

yea i'm on crack, and its okay.

so my finals period has just taken a swing towards the worst when i realized that the paper for econ that i thought was only 5 pages is really *15* pages. beautiful. now the question now becomes, where did this 5 page idea come from? ugh. so i'm not sleeping for the rest of the week it seems. or maybe i just pull 15 pages straight out of my ass and get some sleep. i like how sleep is my new goal.

plus somewhere in there i have take my stuff to the storage place, write spanish papers (about 5), and not lose my sanity. although i may have already lost it long ago.

on a positive note i like the stuff that i've written for my umass class. i think its actually quality stuff. although i'm a bit frightened of reading it in front of the class because thats like being naked in front of people, and while nudity is great when it involves sunny parisian beaches, its not so cool when it involves possible academic humiliation. so i'll let you know how that goes tonight.

i slept funny

so its finally starting to hit me. I'm really going to have to pack up my stuff and leave. its funny how i'm just a little slow sometimes, but i also think its something that keeps me in check. like i know i'm an intelligent woman, but just sometimes I have really ditzy moments. but thats okay, because my brain is always going to be bigger than my breasts. haha. i'm such a dork.

oh finals, you make me lose my sanity.

so blogger is new and improved so I decided that I should also be new and improved. thus, new skin. I was getting really tired of the old one, but i just changed things around and now i like this. it just a matter of getting the comments back up, and all that goodness. so i hope y'all like it.

oh and I'll leave y'all with some links:
*they beat you to it Andy!
*i might start doing this
*verb oppression

oh finals you tease me so

"So hows the studying going?"
"umm i have papers to write, not finals to take"
"wait so you dont have finals"
"i have final papers"
"oh so thats easier right?"
"not really no"
"oh well i'll let you get back to your studying"
"thanks"

::sigh:: finals. I've never loved the idea of having to pull together a paper that ties everything you've learned in a course together while having to balance that with pushing your academic dominance of the material to sway your prof to just give you that bloody A once and for all. and for what really? so my GPA wont tank, and my self worth and intelligence will be vindicated by a little number with some decimals attached to it. bullshit. but whatever. i pay (and when i say "i" i mean my father, and the loan people) pay my $29,170 for me to go to my swanky school. and no i dont go to a "girls school" because thats where rich indulged parents send their 7yr old girls to go to school so they dont have to be bothered with them. i go to a women's college where overachievers come together, eat cookies, drink alcohol, question their sexuality/the meaning of gender, and learn. yea. i'm looking foward to going home and shutting my brain off for a summer. or maybe turning my brain on to new things since i need some distance from everything to figure out what my next move next year will be. grad school is being put on the back burner because i realized the other day that I havent written anything in my time here that I'm seriously proud of. like i've written some stuff that I'm like "eh thats not so bad" but nothing that i'm just like "wow, i'm amazed by the size of my brain" but maybe thats because i have impossible standards for myself and even if i wrote something of any kind of academic significance I wouldnt be able to take it seriously, i'd just notice all the flaws.

i think i just need to get out of things for a while. move to another country. live in the sticks. help people. realize what i'm fighting so hard for. live another life for a year. or more. learn another language. i've forgotten a good chunk of my italian. which is so damn sad since i really love that language. i watch the foreign news in italian sometimes and somehow hearing about a man that plunged to his death in italian just makes the news so much more interesting. it feels like my brain is actually working. i miss that feeling.

i'm excited about this week though, and not so excited at the same time. excited because i'm going to present one of my paintings and do a reading of some of my work for one of my classes. then i'm going to write a paper on the interesection between whiteness (as it is known in the US) and class, specifically focusing on the differance between being "white trash" and being white and rich. although theres not many studies on rich white people so i dont know how i'm going to get data on that. and then i'll pull some spanish papers together. and then do some packing and heavy lifting to the storage unit.

I'll leave you with this because its just the most perfectly explained statement on being pro-reproductive rights. and read the whole thing, even if your not pro-choice or your pro-life or anti-choice or pro-apathy, because its a very well structured argument.

oh and happy mothers day!

I'm a good eater

yea. so I've uncovered another expensive addiction...brie. the delicious french cheese. i can just add this to the list of things that i love but shouldnt do because they're ridiculously expensive. like getting my nails done every week and getting masages. maybe brie will one day become one of those expensive things that becomes incredibly necessary for my sanity, like getting my hair professionally highlighted and cut. or buying ridiculous amounts of sweaters...that happen to be ridiculously expensive and yet oh so perfect for me.

as with many things the first time i ate brie i wasnt obsessed. but after the 3rd and fourth bite i just became hooked. kinda like the first time i ate naan i just thought it was yummy and yet the second time i ate it afterwards i had dreams of the stuff. i find it really funny that i form such deep obsessive relationships with my food even though i'm super tiny. but i love to eat. love it. the other day i had a dream about biscuits. like what the hell? and not just like any biscuit but to a specific biscuit that i ate like six years ago. maybe i should be a food critic.

oh and its the last day of moho class. i still have one umass class to go to but we are finally in the final stretch my friends. except all that i'm going to be doing is writing tiny papers and reading like crazy. i'm flying home on the 20th. so i'm pretty much staying an extra two weeks for no good reason. beautiful.

"hit me baby one more time"

Today was really a marvelous day. It was sunny and I got to wear one of my new sundresses both of which are plusses. I also woke up early, watched tv, and then went off to the picnic on the green, which was lovely. then i went to northhampton and ate yummy cheesecake and had a wonderful conversation with my umass prof. I'm in complete awe of this woman and what she's managed to do in her life. She's just so inspiring, and gives me hope that I can figure out how to live life in my own way and still be happy. After that I went and got yummy indian food again, and this time I tried the garlic chicken and shrimp and even though I was scared when it came out because it looked like baby barf, it was actually delicious, and the nice owner lisened to me and made it very mild like I asked him to. Which was great.

Then Jess and I stopped at this ice cream stand about bought soft serve ice cream for 2 bucks (i got chocolate and vanilla with a chocolate shell) and then we went to an acapella 80's jam, which was *amazing* even though it was super packed, it was really stuffy and hot, and the fire alarm kept going off in the middle of songs. They sang "cowboy take me away" by the dixie chicks and i almost cried it was so amazing. Then they followed it by Lonestars' walking in memphis and pretty much lost all emotional control at that point. I just had a moment in the middle of the song where i just knew that i had made the right decision coming to moho, and that this was the right place and right time for me. which is such a nice thing to realize. But I also learned a valuable lesson: all boys from WPI are just weird. One of their accapella groups came to perform and at first they were kinda lame, like too much old-school barber shop type of stuff but they ended with "Hit me baby one more time" and it hurt I was laughing so much. It was classic.

So yea it was a great, beautiful day, indeed. (oh and lasu your comment on my link made me smile.)

Here's a quiz for y'all to enjoy:
JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*spring*

I love spring! I love it, and I think I love it even more because it feels earned, like I've survived winter and have earned the right to wear my spring girlie dresses. I find it really amusing that I used to be such a tomboy, although I guess I still am in some ways. Like I'm really aggressive and I know that if it came down to it I could kick some ass. Which I find amusing. Another fun thing about spring is that I can completly rejoice in my lack of allergies, since I'm not allergic to life like some of my friends are. For some odd reason I take joy in this. eh.

So this weekend is the beginning of the final stretch. When I start to pull all of my brain power together and try to be as witty as I can possibly get to impress my profs. I have some very interesting assignments this time around, so we'll see how they turn out. I've also been meeting with alot of my profs to get a better feel for what they want for me out of this final stretch because I've found that knowing what someone wants from you upfront is the easiest way to just do what they want and for you to get a happy grade. Plus I'm going out for indian food which is exciting.

the perils of walking

Houston's number 5

pancakes!

I saw this and it made me giggle, which is always good:

What do you dream about?
Name/Nickname:
Age:
Zodiac Sign:	AquariusAriesCancerCapricornGeminiLeoLibraPiscesSagittariusScorpioTaurusVirgo
Fav. Color Combo:	Blue/SilverBlack/WhiteGrey/RedGreen/GoldPink/BlackPurple/BlackBlue/OrangeBlack/RedMix and match theseNone of these
Your dreams generally include:	Oceans and beaches
Approximate number of monthly nightmares:	70
The worst monster you've seen in a dream:
Your dreams are usually	crystal clear
Percentage of dreams involving sex - 74%
Will your dreams ever come true?	(8) - Without a doubt. - (8)
This QuickKwiz by cutelilangelx - Taken 23600 Times.

things are strangely looking up for me, or my attitude is changing. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I just got out of my umass class, and since jess is such a rocking person we went to get pizza first and i didnt have to ride the bus there *and* then she picked me up from class. so that was great because i didnt have to ride the bus, which is marvelous. plus we go to have a really amazing conversation about weigh obsession, and how odd it is that I've managed to not be obsessed about my weight or what i eat. I think it has everything to do with my mom who always told me to wear to wear the shortest skirts and the tightest shirts, as long as it wasnt vulgar, so I'll have to thank my mom at some point for making sure that I had a great self image.

and what else? i had really great sleep last night, even though i was really cold at first, but then i put on layers of clothes and then blankets and i slept so wonderfully. i need to be incredibly hot to go to sleep, its kinda odd but i just sleep alot better when my room is above 90. oh and i tried the seafood pizza today, even though i was scared about it, and was almost certain in was going to be sick after eating it. in the end though, i made it through okay, and did not hurl which is a good thing since not knowing how fresh seafood is always disturbs me in the worst way.

burn|out: n. emotional exhaustion from mental stress

The end of the semester is always a very strange emotional period for me. I start sleeping through classes, and being much crankier than normal. Typically this is because I am overwhelmed by academic pressures and my own psychotic need to be perfect. This semester, while academic stress is playing a huge part of it, I'm also burdened by a lot of fear for what's to come. I'm not sure what I'm doing this summer, which is bad. But I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, which is worse. I feel like the summer is a microcosm for the rest of my life, and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck it up.

Thankfully I talked to Alesha today, which once again put into perspective how (while plausible) I'm not going to screw up my life, no matter what I do with it, because there's no way I could possibly do worse than she has. I don't have a kid. I finished high school, and I'm on my way to finishing college and in the four years that its supposed to take no less. I'm also not a drug addict of any sort. (no matter how much some days I wish I was). So this is good. Its not so good that I now feel like I'm doing great, but its good enough to keep me from losing whatever thread of sanity I have left.

If I were home, I would probably just take a really long bubble bath and think about what I'm doing, in order to regain my focus. Since I live in dorm, this is not an option, since our tub is just gross. I don't like to think about what has gone on in there. I barely like to take showers in there, but that's mostly because I'm paranoid of what could be lurking between tiles, even though I know that the showers are cleaned/bleached every day. If I were home/in Texas I would also blow off some steam by going out with some friends. Since I'm here and its finals time it seems all of my friends are in the same freezied/unstable shape that I'm in. Plus not being 21 I cant just go to a bar and drink with my friends that are of age, and this is sad.

So yea. That's me. I have 5 more days of class left and I honestly have no want to go to any of them. Well except my UMass class which is the only one which I feel is not a waste of my time. blah.

Some fun links to let y'all waste some time:
*Gonorrhea is so scary, and yet still hilarious.
*not your typical horoscope
*I have a problem
*Strangely fascinated by this show, even though its so wrong.

stuffy heads are no bueno

yea i definately just woke up. and i definately went to sleep around this time yesterday. being sick+sudaffed+advil= very interesting dreams. involving colorfull rivers with little boats that spin around. there was a lot of spinning in my dream. whats no so cool about being sick is not being able to tell what exactly it is that i have. i went to webmd to try to remedy this, but that was not so helpful. it was a little overwhelming since it told me that i could have an ear infection, or it could be just the flu or cold, but then it starts listing random things off that i could also maybe have but probably dont have but just to be safe their going to scare me and list them in there like "well a fever could really mean that you maybe just be dehydrated" which doesnt get me any closer to actually figuring out what i have. so i drink water, sleep, and dont eat because the concept of eating is just gross right now. lovely.

but at the very least i'm getting alot of sleep. so thats a plus.

monkeys are people too

I'm starting to understand why people go abroad in their junior year. Its basically to keep themselves from going crazy from all the work that you typically have to do. Its just an academic vacation. While I'm glad that I stayed, I wish I had taken some classes this semester on pass/fail and that I had done some of my work ahead of time. I just never got on a schedule, although when your reading 3 books and writting 4 papers a week, theres really no way to try to think ahead. although i wished i had. i'm glad i didnt take a fifth class though.

but yea, its definately 2:40 in the am and I'm sitting here trying to find out where Nancy Hartsock is, and whether this woman is alive or dead and where she's teaching. ugh. damn sneeky feminist theorist who decide to write something amazing and then disappear. yea. i'm so looking foward to turning this in tomorrow and sleeping. I'm supposed to go to the March in Washington for Women's lives. (i'm too lazy to link) but I think I have a have a major paper due in like 2 weeks so i dont know about it, i may not get to go. so ready for this semester to be done. so ready. i've reached that critical point in the semester where its not completly absurb to start thinking about packing my things up and just heading home and forgetting all about school. at least the weathers nice.

I'm starting to wonder why when one aspect of my life goes poorly, another one just magically becomes better. like for instance I'm out of my bummer phase and into a much happier optimistic phase (which has everything to do with straightening things out with andres) but now I just have absolutely no want to do any of my work. and the thing is, that this semester isnt typical. I cant just bs a paper and go to bed. I have to do some random work, like writing annotated bibliographies. i did my readings i just dont want to sit there and summarize everything that they said. ugh. sleepy.

bum|mer: n. [slang] an unpleasant experience

Alright I'm posting something for the sake of not having the depressing post still up. I'm feeling better. Still bummed. this still sucks, and I'm still not quite sure what happened. I'm thinking this breakup is just going to keep hitting me in really depressing unexpected moments. like it hasn't quite sunk in that this is over and that its not going to be the same, and that I'm actually single. Whatever that means. ::sigh:: i'm not good at being single. but yea. I'm taking the proactive approach to this whole mourning process, I did one day of incredible pathetic-ness (that would be Wednesday) and then I got some sense talked into me by my mom and Charles and now I'm doing the "this sucks, but don't wallow in it because its just going to get worse" type of thing. from the same school of thought that tells you not to pick scabs because it just makes it gross, infected, and then it scars. and no one likes scars. but theres still a sick pleasure in picking scabs. but you shouldnt do it because thats gross.

so in honor of this new perspective (and as a side-effect of the beautiful weather yesterday) I spent the day with my other much more optimistic jess doing errands and bought things to make me happy. yes i'm being materialist and buying myself things to dull the pain. its either that or hourly shots of vodka and i think this might just be healthier. So I got myself: a new jump rope to keep me busy, a new springy halter, new earrings, and some highly delicious fried chicken. Then I watched Amelie to depress myself/make myself feel better. That's just such a happy/sappy movie that its hard to not be made feel better by it. I'm a sucker for happy romantic endings, where things just work out and theres a fun ride on a mophead through paris. That's probably were I get myself in trouble. i'm too much of dreamer. Actually I get myself in trouble a lot of ways...But what are you gonna do, stop dreaming?

I had a really good meeting with my econ of race prof, and got over my fear of entering a building because I might run into a certain creepy someone, and I actually felt really good after it because my brain was being validated and that felt good. and after this week of academic mediocrity I just really needed someone to be impressed with what I had to say. ::sigh:: so yea. at least my brain still works. my heart will follow at its own pace, and that's okay I guess. I just wish I knew what I wanted, then I could just act accordingly.

I'll leave y'all with something that always cheers me up: sex advice from construction workers.

the end of an era

so this morning concluded what was quite possibly one of the worst days of my life, but not the same horrible way were you have a horrible day because someone dies (or in my case has cancer/heart attack) but in the way where the day just snowballs unexpectedly into something horrible that you didnt expect it to. i hate this feeling like i just managed to fuck up/lose something that at one point made me so happy. how did this happen? i dont know. but of course i'll survive because i always do, i just wanted this one to work so badly....even though i didnt always act like i did.

tried to buy myself flowers to cheer me up (the weather here is overcast and that never makes me feel great) but the flower shop was gone. I think that just sums up everything. I turn around and my favorite little place is gone and I'm left there starring at the empty boxes left behind. why am i so terrified of being alone? i'm really not alone, because i have amazing friends but it feels like every semester i lose someone else that i was close to. it makes me scared of who i'll lose next. why am i sharing this? i should be asleep, my body shouldnt be functioning anymore since i only slept for maybe an hour, if that. this is the longest ickiest day ever. but at least my hair was cute.

I'm such a loser

There are days when everything goes amazingly well, you have witty things to say in class, your hair looks cute, and everything runs along perfectly. Today was not one of those days. It was the type of day were you get pounded by work, and manage to fuck something up in everyone of your classes. The type of day where you start comteplating different ways you could be injured that would prevent you from having to fullfill any of your responsibilities/explain why you are such a loser. I came up with a few good ones, such as being hit by a car, getting into a serious car accident, falling from the library stairs and breaking my leg, and a brain tumor. Since I can only will a tumor, I'm pretty much rooting for the first two. The bad ideas that were rejected included jumping out of my window, but since I live on the second floor so that really wouldnt do anything. So instead I did what any other rational person would do: I sucked it up like a big girl, took a shot of vodka, and made my peace with the fact that I suck at life this week, but thats okay because I can always just become a housewife, and besisdes which who needs sleep?

Blah and today started out with so much promise. Oh well. Between me and sleep is finishing a book and writing intelligent questions for my econ class since I'm leading discussion this week. Why didnt I just go to a state school where I could surround myself with mediocre ppl and feel smart? ugh. i miss feeling smart.

I've decided that when I grow up and stop being a loser I want to be Lisa Hilton and heres why:
1. She's hot and smart
2. She's vicious, honest, and funny
3. She's an erotic book snob

did i mention she's hot? i cannot wait for this semester to be over.

cliff notes are sexy

quick summary of the past week:

*saw an amazing mexican film (not available in the US), Amarte Duele
*went to the ben and jerry's factory (life goal accomplished)
*bought the cutest shoes ever! (they're brighter in person, and the pocket is incredibly convenient)
*was rejected by Canada
*was almost not allowed to re-enter the US because of la migra
*chose my room for next year (rm. 112)
*took a mental health day and went to target instead of class bc i'd been averaging 5hrs in the library every day
*shared a pint of dubling mudslide to make life better again
*heard uma narayan speak in class
*ate indian food for the first time (was plesantly surprised by the yummy naan)
*went to Boston for the day

yea thats pretty much it. i've been a really odd mood lately, hence the not posting and skipping class. I think i've pretty much had it with the semester and I'm just ready for summer and swimming and warm weather. but yea i have 5 weeks of school left so i'll just suck it up.

oh and why am i number 29 on the easy sex locator?

fear the beaver

this week kicked my ass and I'm not ashamed to say it. typically school doesnt really do it for me. yes i go to a nice swanky women's college that cost almost as much as my father makes in a year, but its actually really rare that i feel like i'm being pushed to grow both academically and emotionally. does that mean i'm full of myself? more than likely. the point though is that this week did that for me. which might have everything to do with this being the extreme version of school, since two weeks were rolled into one with the added joy of sleep deprivation and weird unresolved emotional issues about almost losing my father. (speaking of which he's out of the hospital and doing well).

Its interesting because i feel like i've really grown in a very short period of time, and that I may be growing out of some things that I never thought I would grow out of. and it all started with a typical tuesday umass class that just pissed me off enough to remind me why i hate bush and right wing politics and why i cant be around people who choose to live their lives in complete ignorance. The next day i managed to get my econ class to talk about hermaphordites, and to talk about them not as freaks but as people whose bodies dont conform to what we think is "natural" and that it simply means that we have to expand what we consider to be "normal." Then i had a conversation with someone who actually said to me that condoms dont protect against HIV. That was just scary.

Most importantly what I learned this week was that silence doesnt help anyone. Because silence is the same thing as consent and agreement. It only breeds shame and no one should be ashamed not even those who dress is bunny suits to get sexual sulfillment. Good for them for being in touch with their sexuality, some people never are and thats a greater loss.

Here are a few links for y'all:
* This is just blatant racism. The fact that this ran in a national magazine is just ridiculous.

*The april fools site from the lovely and amazing folks of planned parenthood.

*The last of my very favorite series of "I did it for science."

pancakes

i cant believe I forgot to post about these things:

*On the way to pick my bro up at the airport there was a giant "Jews for Jesus" bus. Like giant. I'd always heard about these ppl but I always assumed it was a joke, but by the looks of their website its really not. I still dont get it though, so if anyone wants to explain it to me that would be lovely.

*While home I was instructed to go to the mall and buy my dad new pjs since thats what he would be living in from now on. (I got him nice ones that didnt remind me of a hospital gown or Homer's mumu in that episode where his goal is to become obese) anyways, so i'm walking to around and there is a man in a giant bunny suit (for easter obviously) and he starts waving at me. Now I already think humans in animal suits are weird so I try not to make eye contact. The man then proceeds to start blowing kisses at me and dancing. It was then that I realized that my life had hit a new low since I was getting hit on by a man in a bunny suit.

*thick texas accents never fail to amuse me.

*For further reference never miss a weeks worth of class. Especially when you typically barely make it through classes when you dont miss class. i cant wait for this week to be over and to sleeeeep.

I had more but now i forgot. I'm too damn sleepy. Damn me and living on the other side of campus and going to bed at 4 in the morning bc I stayed up and chatted with ev. i just wish i could nap. i cant wait until next yr when i'll be living right on campus and not across a river and up a hill. Oh and another thing, eating salads while good for my body just doesnt fill me up the way my old meat diet did. (I'm now eating salads first so that I can slowly insert veggies into my diet since I have really eaten any in the last 3 yrs i've been in college, I previously just ate meat. lots of meat.) So this is sad bc I ate at 12:30 and now I'm sooo hungry again! maybe it would help if i ate breakfast. we'll see.

Monday Monday

mondays suck, but I think we all know this. Tragety has fallen upon our blogging community this week as one of our own has been struck by the most tragic of tragic fates. His father found his blog and has suddenly learned of the secret alter ego of their mild mannered son. Which gives us a time to pause and reflect about what exactly we write about within our blogs. Always filter. *always* Do not write about wild orgies with kegs and hot women. Write about the weather and that interesting sign that you saw on the way to class. Or that guy who cut you off on your way to your friends house. Do not give actually names, and if you do make sure you clear it with everyone before you post.

Actually this whole incident has got me thinking about my blog and what I want to do with it. Its rather bold of me to have my name attached to this, since anyone can goggle for me and get my blog. This has happened before and I had to block some people and it just wasnt pleasant. So I'm going to think of moving the blog and regaining my annonimity. or something. we'll see.

Todays random public service annoucement is of the real dolls, the world's finnest love toy. Now I thought about posting this here for a really long time before I actually did it. First I didnt want y'all to think I was into strange silicone love dolls, so I'm going to explain that I'm not in the market for a love doll. I found this on nerve.com which is one of my most favorite sites, because of its humor. It was one of the "i did it for science" experiments. I decided to post it because I feel that its a site that helps to demistify the male species, since this is obviously what some very rich sick men are into. Their into silicone dolls that look like crack whores or alternately into perfectly sculpted women that they dont have to feed and that dont talk. I recommend reading the faqs section, since these ppl are ridiculous. yea. thats all I'm going to say about it.

Oh and wtf?

long time no blog

so I'm still in Texas and I wish it was for happier reasons, but my dad had a small heart attack last monday but he didnt know it was a heart attack and drove across texas to mcallen and back and didnt go to the doctor until Friday, so I went with him. From that point on it was one surprise after another (he was hospitalized for observation then they transfered him to intensive care) until today when he had two byasses done on his heart. Thankfully it went well, it was a four hour surgery and he's looking so much better now than he was when he first got out of surgery. He had a breathing tube and was covered in cables and it was too much. Then later on he was on a respirator but still when he took breaths it was incredibly strained and he kept slipping out of consiousness. But this last visit he was a gatrillion times better and could talk to us, it was still strained and sometimes i couldnt understand him and he was really pale, but he was himself. We had some laughs about how all of us are changing our diets, my brother is eating organic and I cant look at a burger anymore. I tried to eat a whopper and it was pretty disgusting. I've pretty much just been in the hospital from 10-8pm, keeping my daddy company. He's been such an amazing sport about the whole thing and I think things are going to be okay. Although its amazing to think about how this time last week if you had told me my dad was going to need major surgery i would have looked at you like you had an arm growing out of ur head. I'm in theory going back on friday, and I just hope he's out of the icu by then.