oh how i love break.

i havent really been able to relax though, i have like looming school things on my mind. like whether or not to graduate early, whether to spend my time doing research or just start trying to write my thesis.

and i miss andy. i just saw him but i miss him already, its so odd dating someone long distance. i see him like every two weeks for 2 days straight and then he's gone for another 2 weeks...so odd. but its still nice to see him. his mom drove all the way down from dallas to come pick him up, and we all (his mama, my mommy, his brother, me, and andy) had a not so awkward lunch thing. it was nice. she's really nice.

so far for the break i'm working on finishing 1 gal of blue bell ice cream. with dedication i think i can accomplish my goal.

so i finally made it home. ohh how i missed the heat, and food. i missed food.

ummm i slept thru the whole trip, from the time the girl came to pick me up and drive me to the airport, to the flights...i was exhausted after not sleeping for 2 days. i got in and i was wearing my big wool weather, and i get off the plane and i'm hot. and i walk thru the airport and its all ppl in shorts and t-shirts and i'm like "hell yea." and then i saw my daddy and we got my stuff. i actually packed less than my bro did, which is amazing. but he brought his little computer, and his game cube, plus a huge suitcase of clothes...yea it doesnt make sense. oh well.

i had a yummy lunch (pork chops and platanos...yum!) and then i went to my moms and fell asleep. i slept from 7pm to noon the next day. i'm much better now.

and now i just have to finish the last paper. i think i'll just email it to him, since theres no way it can be finished and get to connecticut by tomorrow.

okay so here's the plan for tonight.

* finish my women's studies paper. i've been fucking around with it but it has to get done tonight. has to. so i'm finishing this bitch off tonight.
* get rid/hide all fire code violations before i leave
* finish my marxian paper
* throw shit into 2nd bag/ finish packing
* put on nice clothing to greet my family in
* clean room? ummm...i'll throw out the trash for sure
* pack things to amuse me on long ass flight
* give yara my shit so she can be responsible for getting it to where it needs to go
* write some note to my residents
* unplug everything
* drink lots of coke to keep me awake

i will not:
* watch Y Tu Mamma Tambien for the 5th time (unless i magically get this all done before 5:10am when ride gets here)
* play minesweeper, spider solitare, text twist, word mojo, chess, or any other evil online game
* sleep....i have no time fore sleep
* check ppls blogs obsessively
* talk on aim, icq, trillian, msn messenger or any other messenger thing
* talk to andy.... :(
* do any of the other things i do to kill all of my time. (i'm really good at wasting time)


okay now to work on this.

i was definately awake at 6 in the morning. There was not snow at 6am, even though they said there would be snow. I took a quick nap and woke up at 7am and there was no snow, none at all. When Yara woke my ass up at 8am to take my italian exam there was snow everywhere. Acts of god are silly like that.

yea, so italian is over and done with. i didnt study the pronouns, but being able to use the dictionary was my savior. Although i still think i fucked up the passato remoto like i normally do, although i dont think it went nearly as bad as it normally does. The exam took me about 1:30 to finish, it was probably supposed to take about 45minutes and there's 2hrs allowed for the exam. I will get a B- in the course like i always do. stupid B- screw with my gpa. next semester I'm going for the pass/fail. haha but i dont care! i'm done with italian (for the semester) i'm done!!

now if i had only finished my papers over the weekend like i was supposed to. oh well. they will get done, and i'm in that tired dellusional but comfortable place, were i'm not crazy and seeing things, so now i wont overanalyze what i'm writing. I'll work on my women's studies paper before ev comes and picks me up to go to walmart, and to check my mail bc i hate walking in the godamn snow.

by this time tomorrow i shall be on a small southwest plane flying towards tejas. hell yea!

my wisdom teeth are coming in and its really bugging me. i tried attacking one of them last night with my own teeth and this morning its not feeling so good.

i've spent the whole morning adding myself to various blogrings, and not working on my papers. ::sigh:: they will get done. thats all i know. it shall happen. although its halfway thru sunday and i'm at the same place as i was on thrusday....silly jes. this will get done. it will it will.

oh and i'm a weird girl who has been locked in her room for 3 days now...and i have yet to eat today...that cant be healthy. i cant wait to go home and eat....so close sooo close.

i spent last night/this morning watching Y Tu Mamma Tambien (thanks jose!) i watched it twice in a row and its a really interesting movie. its from the same guy who did Amores Perros, which has to be my favorite movie ever. This was about as close as I've ever come to watching porn, but it was a great movie, with an interesting message about life. i think this is now my second most favorite movie ever. it may become my first after i watch it 5 more times.

somewhere along the way i lost myself. you start with so much optimist, so much hope, so many dreams, they blosom and you nurture those new dreams and hopes, water them feed them, protect them. you hit some rough patches but you work thru them, you make concesions and work on compromises. you lower your guard and lower your expectations. you give up ur own dreams for things that are much greater than you. you decide whats more important. the cost benefit analysis, this will give me more happiness than that. and thats how it goes. little by little, piece by piece you dont even notice the change. its gradual, slow, sluggish, creeping, crawling, leisurely even. like a glacier slowly melting bit by bit, drop by drop. and then one day you wake up and wonder just how did i get here? is this really me? but you dont even know anymore what exactly 'me' is. which me are we talking about, bc i dont even know anymore. so many new ideas are in my mind. so many new truths. my personality has never been static, change is something that i'm accustumed to. but sometimes u just have to question the way that you change, the changes you make, the concessions that your going to give just to have peace. where do u stand? where do i stand....what do i stand for? what am i willing to give up to get what i want? i already know that one. everything. i've worked much too hard to get where i am to just give it all up. i'm not going to concede this one.

"you say u'll understand. you'll never understand. i say i'll never wake up knowing how or why. i dont know what to believe in, u dont know who i am, u say i need appeasing when i start to cry. but never is a promise and i never need a lie." -fiona apple- never is a promise. oh fiona. how i love thee.

i really like this, i wish my computer gave little haikus instead of damn error messages, (explorer has cause an error, bite me windows)

---

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

--------------------------------------------
Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

------------------------------------------------

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

(this one is my favorite)
--------------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

---------------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

-------------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

---------------------------------------------------

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

---------------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

---------------------------------------------------

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

------------------------------------------------

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

---------------------------------------------------

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

---------------------------------------------------

i dont work well without pressure, its just so odd for me to start working on something like 6 days before its actually due. although i'm trying to convince myself that since i go home in 4 that its really due in four...its not really working though. and its not even that i dont know what i'm writing about bc i do...i have the outline, the articles i wanna quote from, i know how long the time is gonna be, i know she's gonna like it....i just have to write it....and its not happening.

oh well.


in order news mac laptops are the yummiest things ever and i'll be working my butt off this summer to buy one...if i work really hard maybe i can even buy a powerbook instead of just an ibook....think about the possibilities of it i could burn my own dvd's...damn thats sexy.

when i get nervous i start to bite off my nails...one by one i just bite into one side of them and then just peel them off... i do it in the middle of a test or during a lecture when i cant understand something...i start to do it when i feel stressed...i do it when i dont see a resolution to something...it becomes all that i focus on until i do all ten nails...its like my mind is blank and in that creepy place...and then its weird bc the rest of the time that my nails are growing back I wonder why i got rid of my pretty nails anyway...

ugh the hallway smells like smoke and its amazing that the fire alarm hasnt gone off yet...thats a little frightening actually but oh well. we all have to go sometime right?

i'm almost home....almost home.

oh that wonderful time of the year is here, finals, when the women of mount holyoke go crazy and start living in the library. I dont think I've ever even been inside the library during this time, i basically just avoid it like the plague. Some people at this school get really crazy at this time, stressed if you will and right now I'm not really feeling any of it. I have 2 papers and a final. I'm not concerned about either of those papers really because I'm doing well in both those classes....and the final for italian...well...i get to use my dictionary on it and I'll spend the weekend studying for it and it'll all be over and done with. i've accepted the fact that this class will be my only B for the semester and that Italian as always will screw with my gpa...eh, i'm not a weirdo who spends all her time memorizing italian grammar, i think i'm one of the few ppl in that class who isnt majoring in italian, languages, or "medieval studies" (what do you do with that major really?) and so that class isnt very high on my priorities...i'm actually considering whether to stick with it or not next semester, maybe i'll just take it pass/fail and so that way i can enjoy the class but not have it mess up my grade...we'll see.

oh and i've found the best way to procrastinate, start planning ur spring break during finals. theres nothing better than looking out at the falling snow and planning ur caribbean vacation with ur friends...i wish my break and andy's break were on the same week so that we could all go on vacation together...but then that would be a different kind of vacation than going with ms.vembu and hopefully yara, and who ever else we feel like inviting (or feels like coming)...ohh pretty beaches and burning sun here i come!

okay so jose had this link, that abner had and so now i'm doing it bc it beats getting ready for class that starts in about 5minutes.

Jessica

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your first name of Jessica has given you a responsible, expressive, inspirational, and friendly personality. Expression comes naturally to you and you are rarely at a loss for words; in fact, you have to put forth effort at times to curb an over-active tongue. Self-confidence has made it easy for you to meet people and you are well-liked for your spontaneous, happy ways. You sincerely like people and do not often experience loneliness; your work and home-life are likely filled with association You enjoy music and could have a fine singing voice; however, the study could be somewhat difficult because you do not find it easy to apply yourself to concentrated study for long periods. In this respect, this name is not altogether constructive; it creates a somewhat scattering influence which makes it difficult for you to finish what you start. This name brings disappointments and emotional involvements through being too sympathetic and easily influenced. As a result of your active nature, you have an appetite for quick-energy foods, which you could consume to excess. Health weakness appear as skin conditions, or as ailments relative to the liver.


umm i think its rather right on...minus that whole fine singing voice thing...

i am done with self defense for the year!!! yes!

standing between me and sweet sweet texas are:

7 days
1 econ class
1 ws class
1 ws paper (2pgs) due thrusday
1 ws final (5pgs) due before i leave
1 econ final paper (6-10pgs) gonna write it tonight
2 italian classes
1 italian final
1 write up for the independent
1 staff meeting
1 stupid italian movie

i'm almost home! you may be asking urself why i'm so excited about going home, well its bc i miss my mom's yummy food..hell i miss sourdough jacks and chachos....damn i miss those burritos...ohhh soo delicious and bigger than my head...so yummy...i cannot wait to go home and plump up and read books and sleep and see my mommy and my daddy....oh and y'all too...we can go to chacos! and andys visiting, we can all go to chachos!

so i go to italian this morning, late as always, and one of our Ta's is there instead of Francesca our Prof...and so i'm like thats odd...but i write down the assignment and then the Ta says thats she's going to tennis, and just leaves...we've had class for like 10minutes, and i was in class for like 3...very odd...especially bc i was going to skip it anyways...eh oh well i have other stuff to do anyways, like cleaning my room...

i had the most wonderful time in boston this weekend, i got beautiful tulips which are the most perfect flower, and i got to see andy and i dressed up and drank yummy drinks and watched a very hillarious skit, and even got to sit on Santa's lap although thankfully i didnt get a present. plus anna was there which was fun, and ev was there which was more fun...and we stayed for dinner...

i didnt do any of my work, and i'm not even going to pretend like i'm going to do work, i'm going to bed...night y'all!

i cant believe what i just saw. I cannot belive it. Anna just rolled around in the snow in a bikini. It was the most hillarious thing ever, completly worth my 10 bucks.

it all started at lunch when i was looking at the snow and i asked her how much money it would take her to roll around the snow in a bikini, like roll around in it. Anna's like "I would do that for 10 bucks" and i thought "i have ten bucks in my room" and so i kept pressing her and like asking if she was serious bc i had 10 bucks in my room, and she was just like "yea, I'll roll around in it, I'll make a snow angel" So then i was like "can i take a picture of it? and she was like "one picture but no ass shots" so in disbelief I shook on it and we ran upstairs for anna to get her bikini and for me to get my camera.

I have no idea how long we were out there but it was the most hillarious thing i have ever witnessed. completely worth 10 dollars. and i took a bunch of pictures of it, maybe like 10 or so, i'll post them once i get them developed.

my entire body is sore, i guess i couldnt feel it on weds bc of the adrenalin but i got thrown around there. my knee looks kinda interesting, if i had a digital camera i could shouls y'all...i think i'm gonna work on that cause theres too many random things i wanna post about but like u have too see it...like for example the damn geese and ducks at this school have yet to leave, its 23 degrees right now, yesterday it like snowed all day long like nonstop, these damn animals are just walking on top of the half frozen lake and then sliding down the little hills we are around it, its ridiculous! like the big geese approach me as i'm walking back to my room and i start talking to them and telling them to go home. and then i hear them at night when they're raping one another its disturbing, they need to leave.

oh and last night some dumbass on the ground floor burnt popcorn at 1:30am. Anna & I were still up being silly and messing with Yara's stuffed animals and putting them in disturbing configurations, it was funny...anyways so the damn alarm goes off and scares the shit out of us, and we're in like pjs like tanks and shorts and u cant go out in some shorts and flip flops to stand outside in the snow, so we grab our jackets and like sweats and then go downstairs and the entire dorm comes out (a good 150 women) and their pissed, bc most of them were asleep or getting ready to sleep, and we're stuck in the godamn snow. So the fire marshal and fire rep for our dorm come to the front and annouce that whomever burnt the popcorn on the ground floor has to come foward so they can be punished. No one does. If someone had come foward there would have been a lynching at Mount Holyoke.

and tomorrow is THE FORMAL!!! yay! I get to be all pretty and drink happy drinks, but the best part is (after seeing andy of course) is that Anna and Ev will also be there and will also be all pretty. This is exciting because normally I dont really know any of the girls there, so this is happy stuff. yay!

i had my self-defense simulation today, that was intense. Like they get u in like boxing padding, like on ur knees, elbows, hands, and like a giant helmet thing and then the men come in and they look like giant red robot men in all their padding, one of the guys is this HUGE black man named eddie who works as a police officer at the school and he's HUGE and so its really scary knowing that ur going to have to fight this giant black man off you.

so we do the first round, and none of want to go first, like she yanks someone out of line and they go, and my stomach is turning since i'm wondering what the hell I was thinking by signing up for this thing. in the first simulation we have to walk by them and go from one side of the room to the other. sound easy enough right? not so much when there's 3 grown men against you. i cant really remember that one too much, it was all adrenaling and punching them in the face and hitting them in the groin. The second simulation we have to pretend we're at the amherst bus stop, and like they start asking us what time it is and stuff, and its so funny cause u wanna start hitting them when they ask u what time it is. and with this simulation its two against one. I was kicking and fighting the whole time, it was intese, like my helmet was too tight for my head so between that and them yelling at me it was just a big rush. I was wearing this face mask thing and it was funny cause one of them grabbed me and since I'm only like 110lbs was like pulling me towards him, and so my reaction was to bite his arm, but like with his mask i couldnt do it. One of the girls, who was the smaller than me, like was attacked and the guy goes down and she like kicks him in the face, like they're under tons of padding (andy u should have seen the amount of padding that they had on their groins, u would have been pleased) and the guy is in pain. Its funny cause she's smaller than me. Umm the thrid one it was like at an atm and they like grab you from behind, and like i'm flying in the arm and their swinging me around, and i just start head butting them and like swinging my feet. I think all the horsing around with y'all has allowed me to perfect the art of getting out of that situation. and the final one was the really scary one, like all 3 surround u, and u have ur eyes closed and they start harashing u, and like saying things like "can u feel me on me?" "where u from little girl?" "what are u doing out so late?" things like that just like egging u on, and i was the third one to go, and i knew they were gonna grab u from behind and like try to get u on the ground so as soon as i got rid of the first one i just started running, and i'm little so i was able to like fake them out and pretend i was going one way and they just start bobbing and weaving thru them. they made me go back so that i would get attacked by all of them.

but anna was watching and she was telling me how funny it was to watch me like go thru that and the whole time I'm like punching these guys in the face like kicking them in the groin, like being vicious, and then i crossed the line where after that u were safe and then it was like "teehee." its so weird though, bc in that momment u cant think, ur just reacting and fighting. and now my groin kicking knee is red and hurting bc i kneed the shit out of those guys. I'm really glad i went thru that. i think i wanna do it again on monday just to get a better grasp on the other techniques. i kicked some butt today, i'm very proud of myself, y'all should be too. although i would now like to thank all of y'all for helping me reach this point where i can defend myself so well, bc if i had practiced fighting with y'all (brent, my bro, joser, lasu, charles) I wouldnt be nearly as prepared to defend myself. so thanks jonathan for trying to kill me on more than one occassion, it really did pay off in the long run. and brent, thanks for letting me practice my groin attacks the dumb fuck who tries to rape me will appreciate my expertise.

<---see those are the red suits
<---Melissa is in this picture (1st on left, bottom row)

its 16 degrees outside! thats some bullshit. i've said it before, and i'll say it again I was not made for this weather, its pointless. this isnt the way ppl were supposed to live, or at the very least this isnt the way i'm supposed to live, my face gets all cold, my nose turns red, i cant see where i'm walking bc i'm trying to get my hat to cover half my face....its annoying. i will not go to grad school here i will not. i refuse!

oh and i have made the decision to not go to italy next year, basically i need to do whatever it takes to get into a great ph.D program, and that means staying here, getting things published, writing a thesis, and taking grad classes next year. So I'm going to go to italy in the summer, probably not this summer bc i wanna spend next summer having fun in boston, but the summer after that. so this plan makes me happy and i feel odly comfortable in my decision even though my favorite annita and my favorite yara will be far away from here and i wont see them next year. But that is also okay because we (by "we" I mean me and anna) have decided to live a house away from one another with yara living in the middle, which is great because then yara can homeschool my kids so i can have a real job. That and i wont have to live next to anna and her paki husband.

umm i think thats it. i like lasu's idea of doing a cliffnotes version so i'll do that since my post are rather long sometimes.
Cliffnotes: not going to italy for yr, staying at moho and becoming famous. the cold =bullshit and chapped lips. anna =paki husband.

happy birthday andy!

everyone should wish the old man a happy birthday, so go wish him a happy birthday (do it)

umm yea, this is a bad sign, 2 wks left in the semester and i cant make it to italian...i should have just stayed in boston...eh oh well.

right so i've been missing in action for the last couple of days so i'll do a quick rundown of where i've been.

tues night: drove to worcester and dropped andy off at bus station at 10pm which allowed him to return to boston 6hrs before departure. began the bond marathon with The Spy Who Loved Me. attempted to do italian. was mildly successful.

weds: woke up to Monster's Inc. watched that and the end of a cooking show. went to southbridge mass, to my brother's friend toni's house, and played with some cats and a large black poodle. played a bad game of trivial pursuit, and watched an indiana jones movie. did some ws readings.

thrusday: went to conneticut for dinner. i have no idea what city i was in. watched a dog show and some football. umm went back to southbridge and watched Someone Like You, or maybe more bond, i cant remember.

friday: returned to worcester. hit up target and bought andy a wonderful birthday present ( a bookshelf cube thingie), wrapping paper, a bday card, and a bow. searched for more Get Better Bears but could not find them. watched more Bond movies (Goldfinger, License to Kill, Octapussy, and i dont know what else) was chastised by my mommy for not telling her i was heading to boston for the weekend, and drank Hawaian Punch, because it was the healthiest thing my brother had to drink after i finished off the orange juice.

saturday: watched changing spaces and was throughly amused. departed on the commuter rail for boston at 2pm. left carrying my backpack, my small suitcase, and andy's present which weighs about 30pounds. boarded the train and almost died carrying things on board. arrived in boston finally and began the process of getting to andy's. I took 2 subways and then walked a good 4-5 blocks to get to his house carrying the damn box and all my other stuff. on the 2nd subway i thought i was going to throw up/pass out from having to hold that damn thing. in retrospect it might have had something to do with the fact that i was all dehydrated from not drinking water...damn my brother and his drinking mountain dew like its some sort of water substitute! i finally arrived at his house and collapsed onto the floor. umm then andy opened his package and i collapsed onto a dirty sofa. eventually we went to dinner and ate a yummy shrimp cocktail and a pizza. we had a brownie thingie for dessert. i wanted cheesecake, but since we were celebrating andy's birthday he got to pick.

sunday: made breakfast ( which was really yummy), we assembled his bookcase (easy assembly my ass), and left to return to moho. we started running to get there in time, but i almost died so we took a cab. arrived to find that the line was insanely long, so i was afraid that i would not be able to get on the bus bc there would be no more room left. but they put all the college kids on a seperate bus. since the traffic was so awful though, the driver went around the long way and i got home about 3hrs after i left from boston. i went to the library to find my stupid italian movie, but it wasnt there, and i returned to my room to find a Fire Code Violation Sheet for my paper lights. which is bullshit since their not even plugged in! i hope i dont have to get ride of all my lights bc i would really be upset then. i think i'm going to fight it. and then i talked to my mommy, and she said it would be okay for andy to stay with us for a couple of days at the end of december which is wonderful bc that means that i get to see him twice during break! yay!

and yea, i have a ton of work to do. this week is going to do me. oh well. i get to see andy on friday and then its the formal! yay! i cant wait to see anna's dress...and to get this work done....now to bullshit a paper on an italian movie that i never saw....

right so, my boyfriend is crazy, but its very nice. now i just have to find a car to drive to springfield in to pick him up...by 10....i wish i had more advance notice on these things.

also what is it w/professors giving us (by us i mean me) all this work over break its break! i need to get so much done and i dont know how thats going to happen. oh well. it'll magically get done.

umm in other news, i'm skipping all of my classes tomorrow, bc andy's skipping his to see me so i'm skipping mine to see him. as long as he gets back into boston sometime before 7am on wednesday when his flight leaves and he's able to pack stuff to go home in its all good.

ohh i really need a car. like really.

i'm in a really odd mood. I'm restless, like I have too much extra energy and I'm sick of this school routine, wake up study, read, study, italian, sleep, marx, eat; the same thing everyday. I really just wanna go home and drive around and waste gas and not have a place to go to. Thats what I want to do right now, I wanna go on a drive, lisen to some music and clear my head. but thats not gonna happen tonight. so i'm left here with a headache, slightly brewing over things, overanalyzing things far more than they should be. somewhere along the way i stopped having fun. i dont know when that happened. its all starting to fall under the pretext of work....all of it.

i got all dressed up today bc i was tired of looking like shit. i put on makeup, i did my hair, i wore something cute. and then nothing. i did homework. went to the coffee house and gossiped about people who came in. a good waste of the evening. the funny thing was i felt odd going to dinner and being cute, bc everyone was basically in sweats, but whatever, i needed to see myself in something other than a wifebeater.

so i asked Andy a very simple question, a dangerous question but really a very simple question, I asked him if he thought that i was still as pretty with short hair as i had been with long hair. i wanted him to lie. i really did not want to know what he honestly thought about my shorter hair. i honestly didnt. i wanted to him (and expected him) to say "jessica of course ur still as pretty with short hair as u are with long hair. it doesnt matter how long ur hair is" he didnt. and his answer, was the wrong answer.

andy's going to say when he reads this, that if i didnt want his honest opinion why did i ask him. the answer (and this applies to everyone reading and taking notes) that many times ppl ask u questions (by ppl i mean women and speciafically women that u are dating) and they do not want to hear the truth they want to hear something that will make themselves feel better, a much softer and kindler watered-down version of "the truth," which really means a lie. bc really theres nothing i can do now but wait until my hair grows back to how long it was and that will take me about 2-3yrs. Now 2-3yrs is a looong time to not like the way ur hair looks, and i know i chopped off my hair for a good cause and that i need to get over it, but u dont live with my hair, i do, so dont try telling me that. but thats not the point of this story, the point of the story is that there is a right answer and a wrong answer to dangerous questions, u need to pause (but not for too long a time) and think about what it is that they want to hear, and then u need to say that in the best possible way. now someone with some skills can completly turn the conversation and avoid the question all together, although i do not think that there are many ppl out there with those kind of skills.

now if all of y'all are real smart, u will leave comments telling me how i am still pretty even though my hair is short.

a lot of times i seriously wonder about ppl. i really think that if these ppl just smoked some illegal substances (that i want t make very clear that i do not consume/smoke/insert into my body/snort) things would go a lot better in some of these places. hell in all of these places. dont believe me? what some proof that ppl need to chill out? read this and then make a comment

i've been missing in action this week, sorry about that its been a busy busy week.

I talked to my best friend Alesha on tuesday night and her life always makes me very thankful of the life that i have now. Life is really very different when u dont go to school and u have a kid, and ur dating a dumbass who mistreats u, and u dont have a high school diploma because life basically screwed u over. the point is her life puts my life in perspective, and me going moho is really a priviledge, and something that i cant take very lightly.

lets see i bombed an italian quiz, mostly bc i skipped the 2 classes leading up to it, and felt like shit during class. i hate the passato remoto, i hate it. i hated it last yr, and i hate it this yr. its just so annoying and pointless, no one uses it in normal conversation and unless ur going to be reading old italian books ur not going to need it. and i for one am not planning on opening a boring italian book and reading it. its just not going to happen. ugh. but yea, i have 10 italian classes left this semester and i cannot wait until they are over. i hate waking up and getting to italian. which makes me scared of next semester having to be at umass at 9:30am. but at least i have friends taking the class with me, so i can deal with that with other ppl.

i've been reading really interesting stuff for my women's studies class, about the Green Belt Movement in Kenya, and what these women are managing to accomplish there. like its a very simple idea for a project, these women plant trees, well they give away seeds so that women can plant trees so that they have firewood, food, and shade. In Kenya bc of globalization and the stupid IMF structural adjustement programs, the traditional croops of Africa were replaced with nontraditional plants, such as coffee that were intended to be grown so that the country would have an export to sell to the world market. This is just bad economics basically, and i wont go into the whole reasoning behind it, but just know that its retarded and that the world has never worked like that and never will, although it is a very utopian and interesting theory. anyways the point is that these "cash crops" were farmed and as we all know u cant live off coffee, and so they wonder why children are malnutritioned and dying when an entire country is now being forced to import the foods that they need to eat. the land becomes erroded bc these plants cannot survive the summers in africa, and bad awful things happen as the result of bad economics. so this group encourages communities to plant indigiounous trees in order to be able to sustain the community. the point, is that reading this stuff is really encouraging bc very simple things like planting trees has huge ripple affects on every aspect of the community.

the other interesting point of my readings was that they mentioned this woman named Patsy Ruth Oliver, who is an amazing enviromental activist that emerged out of Texarkana. Now u have to understand that feeling that i got from doing my readings for class and realizing that they were talking about a place that i've been to. and i mean they talk about the valley and what goes on there, and i've visited but for some reason reading about texarkana was just so interesting for me. Like Terxarkana is a superfund site, which means that it is one of the most polluted places in the US. Like these families had creotin bubbling up in their sinks, and developed tumors and children died, etc. Which just made me think of Pasadena and the weird awful smell whole nasty place has, and how those ppl are probably dying too. (btw, they made the argument that these companies target the communties of minorities to dump their waste, which was interesting and made me want to force a law to go thru that they start dumping the awful chemical waste underneth the homes of the evil CEO's that run these companies, to see how much they liked to watch their children die of cancer) Its a weird feeling when u randomly read about ur homestate and its never about the good things that are going on there.

and i think i've figuared out what i want to write my thesis about, which is great bc if my advisor lets me do it that means that i can start like next semester and work thru the summer on that. which may be amazingly great for me. so much stuff running thru my head but i think i'm doing okay. my level of hygiene is a bit down, but my brain is in great condition, which is really all that matters. this weekend i will do work, lots of it.

i'm starting to think that the source of my problems lie in the fact that i am too well liked. i will even venture to say that i am too loved for my own good, bc no one wants me to leave them. this should be a great thing, but the problem is that i become very attached to people that i also love and care for, and so i dont want to leave them either. the new problem with my going to italy plan thing, is that my advisor, who i adore terribly, will be in hong kong when i come back. this means that in my senior yr, i will no longer have my wonderful advisor who make random phone calls for me and get me into the classes i want and teaches fun econ courses for me. this makes me very sad. and all sorts of panicky. he's now attempting to get me to go to umass for grad so that i will continue to see him after i graduate and so he can sit on my disertation committee. i have to admit that the prospect of having him, wolff, and resnick sitting on my committee is very nice. but i hate this weather, mostly bc i get all sickly when its cold and dont want to venture outside. so then i become antisocial and moody and such. oh well, grad school is very far away from now. satya started joking around and saying that he never knows what to expect from me. i never do either. but so far i think i've done alright. i think i'm going to italy. i'll learn to live without the internet and without seeing my favorite andy. that part also makes me really sad. hell maybe i wont get in and the choice will be made for me.

its a bad sign when its monday night and ur already thinking of drinking.

yay for me! and i really should be asleep. oh and if i go to italy i have narrowed it down to either Milan or Rome, and as Anna has pointed out Milan has really amazing shoes...and the evil consumer in me *loves* shoes. but we shall see. but i'm thinking italy will be the place to be next year...now to get accepted.

You Are A Juicy Kisser!

Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them.

You are the perfect kisser - with the right combo of lips and tongue.

It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates!



How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

i've been noticing lately that theres a bunch of alcoholics running around this school. (by a bunch i mean like 10) like women who start partying on tuesday afternoon and dont stop till monday morning when they're too hungover to drink anymore. people like this scare me. mostly bc i have a pretty high tolerance so the concept of how much it would take me to get me drunk for an entire week frightens me. although these are the same ppl that help me make A's in classes since its impossible for them to write coherent sentences. i went over to the thirsty mind last night (the coffee house place) and ran into some ppl that i lived with last yr, (the troll even made an apperance) and i started talking to kathryn who is too much fun and she started telling me that one of her profs was basically telling the class that the papers were so awful that he became suicidal halfway thru reading them. so i started joking around that it would make for a hillarious comment on a paper, like "your writing is so awful that i felt like throwing myself off a cliff after reading the garbage that you wrote. for my mental health, i would appreciate that you dropped the class, thanks." like how would u feel after getting that? its just funny the standards that these ppl hold us to, like they're not dicking around when it comes to these papers. ah silly profs...

okay today i will decide if i will go abroad to italy or stay here and graduate early and write a thesis next yr....must figuare this out today. i must.

but first, a relaxing hot shower. damn its cold outside.

i'm a lazy ass. heres the deal though, the school's server has been retarded lately, some sort of problem with verizon, so what i really wanna do is move over to the schools server. thats like the ultimate goal. so think of this as an "inbetween" kind of deal. like the girl who isnt really the one but is better than getting no ass. she's good enough for now. thats this skin.

as far as me, satya like calmed me the fuck down on friday and we talked for like a good 3-4 hrs about my life and me going to grad and how he thinks i'm brilliant and he talked me into taking like 3 econ classes and none of my maths. he's basically trying to talk me out of going abroad to italy, and i have to say that i'm seriously considering it, bc if i can start taking like grad classes at umass then that gives me a huge heads up on everyone else. and like he pointed out if i seriously want to go to italy, i can always become a visiting professor or something and like there for a year. thats what he does when he feels like going to china.

oh and i was doing consumerism surveys on friday, and these women were getting like pissed off at me. like seriously upset and i just wanted to break it down to them and tell them that if they didnt buy shit for a day, or hell even for christmas they werent going to ruin the economy and force ppl to lose they're jobs. i'm also really bad at giving surverys. thats what i learned. i'm very passive about like "eh, fill this survey please" and then ppl ignore me.

umm yea. i went to dinner with anna and yara, and that was just so much fun. we had chinese and talked and made fun of ppl and it was exactly what i needed to regain my sanity.

my desk is a covered in schedules. i'm trying to get my schedule for next semester figuared out and done and turned in early so that i'll get all the classes i need....but ahhh umass keeps trying to screw me over basically. as it stands right now i've signed up for intermediate italian, us economic history (with gabe), into to stats, calc 1 (yes i know i said i was never going to take it....but i'm going to grad school so i need it), and i need an econ class, specifically a intermediate micro or macro class in order to be an "econ" major. its so annoying. theres so many class that i want to take and i'm being forced to waste my time with 3 classes that i know i shall dislike intensely. i still need random stuff like a lab science, some gym credits (i think 3) and math (which i'll be taking next semester.

maybe i can drop clac and take something much more exciting....like a grad marxian class at umass....so many options....

okay lets see if this worked.

yes!

okay, the banner above is for a great campaign called "Buy Nothing day" Nov.29 (the day after thanksgiving) is the busiest shopping day of the yr in the US. Overconsumption is the mother of all the problems that we have right now, (why do women in el salvador have to work in sweatshops? bc americans "consume"/ buy more goods than any other country in the world. not only do they want these goods they want them cheap. why is the us going to war with Iraq? not to fight 'terroism" but to gain control over the country with the largest amount of petrolium deposits in the world. oh and fyi americans consume more oil then any other country in the world. why is global warming giving us extra floods and messed up weather? short answer, overconsumption.)

christmas is a wonderful beautiful holiday. and its not about getting gifts. its actually a religious holiday, but we wont hold that against it. (kidding) christmas is about love. friends. family. spend time with ur loved ones. buy ur friends meangful gifts if u even buy them anything at all. spend the money on worthwhile causes, charity. think, evaluate what the money that ur spending is saying to corporations. when u spend $50 on a sweater from the Gap (or on a downpayment for a pair of nikes) ur telling those companies that its okay by u that they destroy the earth and exploit ppl, including ur family members, and urself. thats not the gift that u want to be giving.

oh something thats been bugging me for a while now....
why is j.lo going to marry ben afflect? thats jennifer lopez from the bronx, who has the most ghetto ass i have seen in a really long time, marrying some guy from cambridge, mass. thats not right. thats one of the fly girls from inliving color marrying a white guy named ben.

i just realized that i dont have a sprinkler in my room. that sucks for me.

i wish i could paint my walls...they would look so pretty...like a nice happy yellow, como un pollito like my mommy says. i miss my mommy...i miss my parents. some evil man tried to rob my father at gunpoint (sorry if mom didnt get a hold of u to tell u jonathan) on sunday night while my daddy was walking the crazy dog. my daddy escaped and got back home safely but still...life is so fragile... and the irony of some desparate crazy bad man trying to get money from my dad is just...::sigh:: people are so disconnected from one another. like if that man knew my father, and that he's given everything he has to educate his children, then i dont think he would have tried to do that, but people dont think of others. i run accross a lot of girls here who feel that they're entitled to have whatever they want. i think thats why i want my kids to grow up with very little, or at least thinking that their poor because i think that having to work for everything that you have gives you the best perspective on life...on whats truly important and what is a luxury, a gift, not an entitlement or a right. the older that i get, and the more perspective that i receive the more afraid i am of losing the few people in my life that i truly value. my mom's illness taught me that...life teaches you many things about priorities in life.

do something good. live. we all hear that crap about seizing the day but i'm starting to think that its true, and i'm getting really scared because i spend most of mine with my nose in a book and not actually getting to live it. college does that. and so does having a job. things try to get in the way of u enjoying ur own life...maybe thats why i want to go to italy, so that i can try to get out of this american mindset of always rushing thru things...rushing thru ur life not focusing on whats important.

its been raining here since around sunday, when andy left and its funny the effect that the rain has on me. it seems appropriate somehow.

i did this all for lasu. i hate losing.

umm i may mess around with the colors and maybe change the colors scheme or something. i think maybe i'll even try to create my very own blog....but we'll see how this weekend looks for that. i make no promises. although i do promise that i will not be returning to the 80's....it just didnt feel right.

but yea....i wrote my ws paper/letter thing this morning. i started on it at 1:30ish. and then i talked to andy for a bit and then i was vaguely made an outline. vaguely. then i went to bed at like 2:30 and set my alarm for 6 to finish. which meant that i started writing around 8am. which wasnt too bad i finished the letter at 9:50something and managed to get to italian only like 10minutes late. i'm that girl in the class who can never get to class on time. i try though. i try really hard...i just cant.

the global assembly line was pretty cool. i learned how liz clayborne is the devil, how taco bell wont give their tomatoe pickers a one cent raise (those bastards), how ll bean gives pregancy test to their textile workers in china and pay them "minimum wage" which is about .21 in china as opposed to "living wage which is a whole .81, ummm yea, oh and starbucks only buy 1% of their coffee at fair trade so their also the devil and their cups are made with prison labor in the US. oh and chocolate is a "luxury" good...i had never thought of it as one...and my team did intel and how they screw over the philippinos... it makes me wonder where to buy my food, clothing, and technology stuff without having that guilt that goes with knowing that the computer ur writing on, the clothes that are on your body where all made by people who are basically slaves of capitalism. ur clothes are made by slaves. i want guilt free clothes....

oh this site was made by one of the teams in the class about the women in El Salvador who work for Liz Claiborne

this is another good site about sweatshops around Los Angeles and gives u good info on how to get involved. i think it specifically deals with the evil forever 21, but it might also have info on other evil textile companies.

satya is so amazing! we figuared out my schedule and what i needed for that. but he's so funny. i wanted to take this econ seminar with another professor and he's like "yea he's okay, but if u just need the seminar credits then tell me what classes u want to take and i'll teach them when you get back"

i'm basically majoring in econ from Satya. oh well, i'm not complaining. I like his classes, their much funner than normal econ classes. and really who else will taylor their syllubus to match what i want to learn?

oh and as far as the new look for the blog goes keep in mind that i'm not even sure if i like it. so we really dont know how long it'll last. it might just be too 80's for me.

ok, this might be the best that i can do for now. maybe it'll fix itself.

::sigh:: this is as good as its gonna get. can anyone smarter than me tell me why all of my date's arent coming up with the same background color? like the first one does and after that they dont. and it makes me sad.

ugh i dont know about the site. i changed stuff around. played with some things. tried some new colors. i hope y'all like the funny picture of me. tell me what u think of the page. and if u have any suggestions on how to fix it up.

yea, i should be doing my essay's. but why write a letter to the evil secretary of labor who has sketchy ties to the chinese when u can play with ur blog and try to figuare out how to do cool things with it? besisdes which, i can never actually do work once andy leaves anyways.

this was the best weekend that i've had in a really long time. andy and luke came to visit and it was just the most wonderful thing in the entire world. luke and I had hot chocolate and steamed milk at the dirty and i had this delicious delicious strawberry. we all watched anna and yara dance on saturday and that was fun. anna did a very disturbing piece that messed with andy's mind but left me feeling relieved that anna wasnt actually going crazy, it was all just that damn Tere O'Connor and his messed up mind, and now i hope that she's gotten all the crazyness out of her system and will return to normal. umm we all went to eat at the Teapot in Noho, and that was fun. i ate yummy shrimp and discovered that i really just want a dish entitled "shrimp," because i have no use for all the other stuff that they like to serve with it. like broccoli, who eats broccoli? umm but yea, we had to run to catch the bus and we realized that since luke is like 6'8" when he runs its like....well i've never seen anything like it. when we got back we played charades and that was fun in that way where things turn into a disaster and u wonder how u got sucked into playing. it was me and andy against anna and luke, and me and andy make a great couple, but the combination of both of us in a competitive enviroment is just horrific. mostly bc neither of us could ever really be considered a "team player" so anna and luke gave me War and Peace (the book) to try to act out, so i being very logical pretended my hands were ppl and started making them fight, to symbolize that war is really 2 individual governments fighting against one another. obvious stuff. andy had no idea what i was doing. so then i resorted to giving andy an illegal 'w' hand gesture, which got me disqualified. other highlights of the game included them giving me the movie "gooyneys" (or something like that) to try to guess, which of course i had no idea what the hell it was since i didnt grow up in this country. so that round involved andy doing stuff and me telling him i didnt know what the fuck he was doing. and then the other highlight was anna doing interpritive dance movements to get luke to figuare out "natural born killers" and luke being incredibly confused.

umm but yea, it was a great weekend. a normal weekend with boys and just so so wonderful.

I Am The Sex Toy: Knowledge: So I might not be the first sex toy on everyones mind, but lets be honest about where sexual power really comes from. Find out what sex toy you are.

yea i should be asleep.

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ummm ok, all the stuff about anal sex, i am not.

i've having a really rough time with humanity lately, mostly just because the optimist/idealist in me has a really hard time with the practical/realist part of me, coupled with the fact that i'm a very passionate person and i cant just read about these things and not become involved in them. which makes mantaining a stable mental state pretty hard when your studying how ppl are exploited and basically raped for all that they're worth (which according to capitalism is only what you make for the work, so if u work at Wendy's its $6.75/hr, sick huh?) and then some bc they're making more money off you than the $6.25 that they're paying you (but we all know that), so the farther that i get into the theory the more days than not that i come home and want to crawl into my bed, curl up in fetal position and cry. yesterday was pretty much me doing that. then i talked to andy for a while and he helped me snap out of that.

i'm just watching myself change throughout this semester. i can honestly say that i'm a better person now than i was in middle school or even high school. heck, i'm a better person now than i was at the begining of the semester. thats not to say that i dont truly admire the things that i did then, bc i think in my short lifetime i've accomplished some pretty gusty things. i had (and still have) a lot of confidence in what i'm capable of doing and what i'm worth as a human being, separate from the fact that society likes to beat down my throat that since i'm a minority, a woman, and an immigrant that i have no worth. but i never belived that, and that makes me be proud of myself. i like that. i also think it has a lot to do with the fact that i'm light enough to pass as being white, and as a result i do get a lot of priveleges from that (like not being followed when i go into saks to get to the other side of the galleria) that also makes me appreciate my parents and the amazing things that they've done for me so that i could become this way, so that i could come to this place and learn these amazing things. i'll spend the rest of my life trying to repay them for that.

which brings me to my message for y'all today. Love your parents. They are amazing amazing people, that have sacrified huge things for you. my mind can no longer comprehend the anger that i use to feel towards my parents, and i cant begin to understand why ppl feel the need to be disrespectful to their parents. they did the best that they could. no matter how they might have messed with ur psyche and hell they werent perfect, but they loved you. so be good to them, bc life is too fragile and you can never take for granted the time you have with them.

and thats my soap box. enjoy the new links on the side.

u've probably seen this before

okay my feelings on this are that girls arent evil, they just can turn evil when u hurt them and then they do crazy things like murder ur children or set ur house on fire (some mythical story woman and left-eye lopez, respectably.)

yea yea i should be doing journals, but i cant go to bed until *after* the fire drill at 2am so yea. i have some time.

my entire women's studies class rebeled today. it all started when one girl named sarah wanted to talk about the amount of work that we have in this class. and it was an awkward thing like sitting there and talking to ur professor about how the amount of work that she is giving u is not humanly possible to do. and it was just nice to hear someone else talk about how ridiculous these damn journals that we have to do for her class are. and then from there to realize that everyone in the class hasnt done the journals and was struggling to get them all done and finished for class on thrusday. we spent the entire hr and 15 minutes talking about how this wasnt going to fly with us, and how we were too stressed and how we couldnt deal with it. we took a stand and we stood up for ourselves and it was wonderful. she pushed the deadline from this thrusday to next thrusday. i still have a 8pg letter/essay due on tuesday, and a global assembly line "in class" assigment 2pg paper thing (we're paired up in 2's and we're assigned some sort of commodity like i got technology and so i have to pick, like an intel chip and say where in the world it was made, like what factory in chinca was it made in), and then on thrusday its the journals and the action project proposal thing (my group is going to plaster the 5 college area in spoof ads)....so much so much.

oh and in italian today we were doing pronomi relativi and this girl in my class like couldnt get it, and like asked a question about it and my professor like went on this tangent about like how u have to think of italian verbs as having their own personalities and how u have to think of them as one of ur friends and so one, and didnt really answer her question. but at the end of class this girl like started crying on her way out. and i realized that there are some ppl that have much larger problems than me. and she is one of those ppl. i also realized that i have a very interesting way of handling stress and tons of work. i just dont worry about it. like its very odd the way my body comprehends that i have massive amounts of work, but i dont worry about it. like my italian composition, and my 18 journals that i still have to write, and my essay and my 14 reflection paragraph things, etc etc....its all gonna get done. like maybe an hr before i go to class i'll finish the assignment, but it will get done. and my essay and my assembly line crap will get done by saturday at 3ish when andy shows up. they just will. i have no other option. i'll stop bathing, sleeping, and eating actual meals to get it all accomplished but it will happen.

i'm so glad other ppl have much bigger problems than me. now if i only i could get my work done ahead of time.

so i got my paper back from my econ class that i pulled out of my ass in like 4hrs before class and i got a AB+ on it. what that means really i dont know. i had to do some math to figuare out what the hell a 7.25 out of 8 meant. but then i figuared it out and realized that taking classes at Umass is a wonderful thing for my gpa. it means that i can perform less work that i would here at moho and get the same grade. now if i actually did all my readings for the class and put in the same amount of work....then i could rule the econ world. or something.

ok being productive again.

i remember last yr my sophmore friends would always talk about how wonderful it was to be a firstie and how u get all this cool stuff and then u have Dis O and u have all of this attention. i realized last night that i dont have time for that shit. i really dont. in between my classes, my friends, my room needing to be cleaned, between remebering to eat, andy, and trying to do well in my classes (as opposed to simply trying to not fail) i have no time for that kind of attention. i just dont. on that note, i need to control my time better, bc i'm getting really tired of always being late to italian, and not because i overslept but simply bc i was at my computer for too long and forgot to start getting ready for class until i was supposed to be at class.

so yea must control my time better. especially this week since my work for women's studies is going to try to kill me. ugh why is there so much to do.....so yea, hopefully little posting will let u know that i'm focusing and doing my damn journals. stupid journals.

i love randomly ending up in boston. I mean i knew that i was coming here this weekend but I didnt realize that i would get here the way i did. so i'm sitting in anna's rm complaning about how my hair is entering the dangerous pre-pre mullet stage, where the back is growing at fast enough of a rate that eventually there *could* be a mullet. possibily. but one of my biggest fears is having a mullet. mostly bc i cant think of anything dirtier than a mullet. but yea, so i make an appointment at the hair place accross the street and the earliest that they can help me is at 2:30pm, which is an hr from them. i'm like alright good enough, i'm not leaving for boston until late tonight so that works. so i'm bitching about how sketch the girl who is giving me the ride is and ev is like "we can go to boston right now. i can make it back for my 9am class." at this point i have fallen in love with ev and pledged that i will do whatever it takes to keep that girl happy. whatever it takes.

so we anna skips a class and a rehersal and makes comes along to boston. i randomly call andy and let him know that we'll be there and thus i end up here.

highlights thus far:
*seeing andy
*inhaling a large plate of yummy thai food and scaring anna, ev, and andy
*getting yummy kahlua ice cream
*watching minority report
*seeing andy

ohh yea, and not being in south hadley anymore. yay for being out of the boondocks!

the whole idea of blogging is very interesting to me because a lot of times i post an update on my life so y'all know that maybe u didnt talk to me that day but you still know some of the simple pleasures of my life, or the issues that are really affecting me. but thats not to mean that i blog about everything that happens to me or even the main thing that i'm really stressing about. many times the thing that i'm stressing about is the last thing that i want to write about, the last thing that i want to share. so a lot of times when i read other ppls blogs (especially if I'm not particularly close to them) I feel a bit odd and out of place bc i dont know if i was really meant to read what i did. its also a weird feeling bc i read their blogs everyday and check them all the time so i feel very attached to their lives. i just think its strange that there are ppl I wish that i was closer to, but I have no idea how to bridge that gap. and maybe here is where i feel a bit untruthful and i feel like i havent been doing what i meant to do with my blog in the first place, which was to make it a place where i could share my feelings about things and really force myself to talk about things beyond the superficial. to really allow ppl to peak into my life and see whats really going on. but i certainly dont do that. mostly bc those of u that know me know that i have some serious trust issues, and for those of u that didnt know me now u know. so the idea of sharing things that i keep inside myself...makes me uncomfortable....but how can u really allow ppl to know u without establishing some trust, without leaving urself open to get hurt. its not like i dont know the ppl that read my blog. i do (for the most part). so i dont now why i dont just do what i meant to do in the first place.

that being said, i'm going to be really hypocritcial and tell u about the very first A that i made on my italian quiz. in the entire yr and a half that I've been taking italian, this is the very first time that I have ever gotten an A on any quiz. thats sad. but i really think its bc i dont study...i have a hard time studying for languages in much the same way that i dont understand how u study for math. like if ur practicing problems, u keep on doing the same thing over and over again, but u keep doing it wrong...and so ur not really learning it. eh i dont know.

a very gloomy day today and too much on my mind....and too many ppl that i want to help and be a good friend for but i dont know how to do that. and how do u ensure the well being of 32 ppl who live on ur hall? i dont know. theres an image of a buddist goddess (i think theirs a hindu one too) and she has all these hands and she's doing all these things and its like she's balancing plates (remember that game on nintendo?) and thats how i feel. ur trying ur hardest to not let anyone down but u only have so many hands....i only have so many hands.

so there is a girl in my women's studies class thats a senior and i just thought she hated me. Like everytime I would say something she would like counter it and bring up something else and I dont know I get a bit on the paranoid side and I just figuared she thought I was an idiot sophmore and that she hated me. But its not like anyone hating me its this girl, who is basically the most beautiful hispanic woman that i have seen in a really long time. If I was to have a girl crush on someone it would be on her. But yea, so she emails me and ask me to join her group, which I thought was really random given that I assumed that she hated me. But like I talked to her today about it after class and I definately didnt get any hate vibes from her and she's *really* nice. so just remember that ppl that hate you could really just not. or something like that.

oh and go to the adbusters site. y'all will enjoy it promise. the spoof ads are pretty funny.

oh and fyi, banana dental dams do not taste like banana. their icky.

every day when i go to class i sit there and i get a headache. all that i could really think thru the first half of my marxian economics class was how in the world did I end up in a country that is so backward and yet so powerful. and while before i thought bush was just an idiot who really couldnt screw things up too badly i realize how much power that idiot really has. and it makes me want to fill out all the stupid paperwork to become a citizen so that i can actually vote bc the 18% of the population that is voting (yea only 18% of all the americans able to vote actually vote and from that less than half of that elected the current idiot Bush) is not doing a very good job of it.

its scary how little ppl care about stuff thats so important. and even scarier to think about how fucked up this society is. fucked up. maybe i'll just move to france...oh hell cuba would be better at this point.

this is just too disturbing to not share

link was yanked from one of my bro's friends. so dont blame me.

its funny how my weekend has become an extension of my workweek. like theres that hour after i get out of women's studies on thrusdays where i sigh and just enjoy the fact that i survived another week. and then right after that in the back of my mind is the fact that next week is just beginning. and next week is always trying to get you. and because of my schedule i have to spend my weekend doing my tuesday readings over the weekend or their just not gonna get done bc my monday night is stuck doing all my italian shit. it just bugs me how i dont have classes until 10, but if i wanna shower and eat i have to wake up at like 8:30.

ur asking urself whats the point of all this. well the point is that my weekends are no longer really fun in the sense of I'm going out to go party. like the fun change in my weekends is going to the dirty, the coffee shop, and studying there. but i went on saturday and wasnt expecting anything except a lonely night with me, my happy cow drink, and my italian books clustered around me on the table. and then this band, flying circus, sets up and i randomly enjoyed some good music. it was nice to study to a live band that was actually pretty good. and yea. the rest of my weekend consisted of reading about domestic workers and doing insane readings for my independent. and trying to figuare out how i'm gonna finish my major and take all the courses necessary for grad school in 3 semesters....i had a mini breakdown/panic on thrusday so that was also fun. and the weathers crappy.

oh and i've seen the blue screen of death probably at least once every day this week. so i'm thinking whiching to a mac might be a good idea, for the sole reason i would never have to see that damn screen again. i think my computer knows i'm thinking of getting rid of it, maybe thats why its acting up. eh who knows.

one of the funny things that i do is check other ppls blogs to see if they have written anything that day. i do it pretty obsessively and I get upset when they havent updated. But then i realized that i hadnt updated in a while so I figuared that i'd do that. umm yes, this week has been long and tiring, the sophmore class is in the middle of doing elfing (think secret santa for a week) for the first yr class and I'm in charge of it for the dorm. It gets really annoying having to wake up at 3 to leave little presents at ppl doors, that and I like giving things and doing nice things to other ppl, but I get a little annoyed that i'm spending my own money on stuff that I dont get to enjoy (yea i'm greedy, but I only get paid like 60 bucks every 2 weeks as an SA) so yea.

oh a brighter note though, I'm applying to be a mentor thru the girl scouts and u have to get 3 references for liablitity purposes to make sure ur not gonna molest anyone, so i got gabe to fill out one of the forms and the questions are just retarded. but he wrote on it that I was "unusually intelligent" and that just complety made my week, like my entire month. i dont think that I would ever use those words to describe myself, especially not here I dont think. but that was just so nice.

and i finally got my driving record from texas, and i its like 4 tickets over the course of 4 yrs, which isnt really that bad. and they only count the ones for the last 3yrs so i'm safe and will be getting my van license! yay! so I think i'm gonna try to do a day trip to boston or the ben and jerry's factory or something cool like that for my hall bc i wanna be a really good SA. although i dont really know what that means.

oh and if you dont have comments on your page (ahem Lasu and Brent) u should get some bc I reallly wanna write something about the LEGO porn and the fact that lasu hates all women and what the implications of that are.

last thing: I need to get rid of my baby/computer because going back and front from texas with it doesnt work for me and when I'm abroad next yr I wont be able to just pick my computer and go....so I'm thinking of switching teams and getting a Mac (yea Jes u can stop celebrating) but they're just so pretty and macs have really cute pretty stuff...only problem is that i like PC, born and raised on them and that whole switching to mac's thing feels a little bit like if I all of a sudden decided to be a lesbian....like I would be missing something very vital to my well being. but we shall see...it wouldnt be until the end of the yr anyways and I have to figuare out what in the end gives me more bang for my buck...

oh and i hate this snowing in october shit. theres no need for that. and i realized that I dont like the cold. not only do i not like it but I hate it. human beings are beautiful, I love seeing ppl in skimpy clothing and nothing kills any sort of attraction to someone as a big coat, hat, and 3 layers of clothing underneed...euk. i wonder if theres such a thing as sexy winter clothing. i doubt it. there some seriously wrong things with the north. winter being one of them.

today i was bold. and daring. i had a paper that needed to be done this entire weekend. please keep in mind that this isnt just any paper, this is my midterm in my Marxian Econ class taught by a man that I admire immensely...he's flat out one of the best marxian economist in the world, and maybe saying that isnt giving him enough props. anyways, so i've had this assignment for a good 2 weeks solid. I spent all of thrus, friday, saturday, and then sunday basically staring at my computerand not writing. I did many other things like all of my readings for my women's studies class for the week, and my italian, and sending emails out, and handling stuff in the dorm, and doing elfing stuff. i'm a busy girl. but i purposely left my weekend pretty much open (minus the hosting of a prospective and various meetings) to just focus on this paper.

nothing.

not a damn thing came out. but the thing was i wasnt concerned about the paper. i mean come sunday when the paper was supposed to be done, i didnt feel a damn thing. no stress, nothing. this is a major 8-10 pg paper that determines half of my grade. nothing.

so i went on with my life and made elfing signs and wrapped candies for my first yrs and did stuff like that. we were taping their doors shut with newspaper, so we had to wait until they went to sleep. i stayed up until 3:30 waiting on them to go to bed. when i was done i came into my room and very calmly went to sleep. i woke up at 6am bc of my alarm and just continued to sleep until 8am. at which point i realized my paper was due today and i started writing. i skipped italian and wrote 8pages before 1:33pm when I left to go get on my bus to umass. but i dont think that even really describes what went on there. i took breaks. i had lunch. wrote some emails. checked my blog and everyone elses blogs. talked to Gabe on the phone.

yea...i dont wanna make this a habit. we'll see how this goes when i get this back....maybe i'll be stressed then. eh maybe not.

i'm thinking of buying an easy bake oven or a Mrs. Field's Baking Factory so that i can bake cookies in my room....yum freah baked cookies....but i doubt that cooking with a light bulb is allowed within the dorms...

i love crap like this.

yay! I'm gonna see my mommy for thanksgiving! I miss her sooo much! plus its warmer in Texas, where everything is just better...well maybe not everything...stupid republican bastards.....anyways but yea, I was telling my mommy about my idea of spending my J-term in colombia visiting with family and such and my mom was immediately like I dont know about u spending the whole month there, not by urself, not with all the kidnappings that go on there..and it was just really cute how worried she was, but at the same time so real bc i normally just blow off all of the kidnapping stuff but my mom sure as hell wasnt going to, especially since to them I am an American and they assume (wrongly of course) that equals money. Ha! money! silly colombian kidnappers thinking that i have money! but i'm really excited about the idea of going to visit for a month, or even two weeks or something...especially since anna is going to India, it makes me feel like I need to leave the country, and that would be insanely wonderful for me to go and visit a country and get to really look at it, instead of just seeing it thru a child's memory of it, which is basically just like memories of going to the store on a donkey and my granpa giving me ice cream and coke...i really hope i get to go....but once again it all comes down to money, that dirty little word.

ahh why am i so busy? oh well things will get done! and i get to see my mommy!

i'm curently doing a "i'm not going to buy more clothes bc thats just glutonous and bc everything that i want was made in a sweatshop by people that were exploited thing" and really y'all know me, i'm somewhat of a brand whore, I'm the person who used to buy lots of Gap lip gloss...so this is hard. Its mostly because of my women's studies class and because of all the readings we have to do about all this and how in good consence u cant really buy this stuff. but my mind keeps wanting to buy a new jacket from jcrew (not that theres anything wrong with my current jacket or its even really jacket weather right now) and going thru the gap website is just painful...they have so many cute things. Which gets me to thinking of trying to find loopholes, like what if other ppl bought me cute little things from the gap like this, and it just magically appeared at in my mail...then i cant just let it go to waste right? yea yea...i know. i made my bed, now i'm lying in it.

oh and i wrote a paper for my women's studies class that i was pretty worried about, mostly because she wanted us to write an essay an instead i wrote a play, and i wrote it like the morning of. I basically finished the essay like 20minutes before i had to leave for italian. and so thus i was really sacred, and she's handing us back our papers and is talking about how she graded really hard on this first paper and how she had asked some people to rewrite their essays and so on, so i got especially scared. but then I got it back and I got an A- on it! Which is just right, because i honestly didnt proof it so there was stupid stuff wrong with it and I messed up the alphabetical order of the bibliography and stuff but she liked it...which makes me happy when people enjoy the random way in which i like to do things....yay!

k, off to an exiting dinner at the head of res.life's house....oh the life of an SA is so exciting....

all this rain makes me wanna stay in bed all day...but i like it its refreshing.

so i was supposed to go to my lab this morning at 9:20am and of course i didnt even think of it until about 9am. and i still had to finish getting dressed and finish my italian homework before class. so i didnt go. and i felt slightly guilty about it, but then i realized that i was super productive in the hr before class and that my lab could just suck it, even though i'd missed the last two of them. but i got to class and one of the girls was asking the other if she had gone to lab and she said yea but that no one was there and then the prof came in and she told us that our TA had left the school and that there would be no labs for the next two weeks which is wonderful and makes me very happy to not have bothered to go. maybe today wont be so bad after all.

i'll eventually do a fun little update on the weekend when i have a little bit more free time. just know that i'm doing well and that i'm happy and that the boy makes me very happy. and that it makes me happy when my friends are happy. and that my brother makes yummy food. oh and that umass peps arent so bright.

okay...must find food now.

What Drink Are You?

tantalizingly addictive...i couldnt have said it better myself.

Take the Affliction Test Today!


yea, i have nothing better to do.

Which Evil Criminal are You?

hehe.

Which Famous Homosexual are you?

hehe....yea, so now i'm randomly in Boston. Its funny how things turn out that way, like i was supposed to spend last night with a coconut drink in one hand and an empanada in the other....and then i end up here watching baseball and falling asleep.

i've realized that i need to control my time better, or maybe gain some focus so that i can accomplish things better...but all that i now right now is that a 5 pg essay/story on a feminist dinner party has to be pulled out of my ass and completed by 11am tomorrow, ah and that i have a shit load of italian to do (as always) and that i have a quiz on italian on wednesday....that and my umass prof gives me the best quotes ever like (commenting on the war against afghanistan) "that was a world series where it was the yankees against me and my cousin vinnie." i love that class, and i'm so thankful that i'm getting a liberal arts education and that i'm not at UT, or A&M, or (sorry y'all) UH. This is the most amazing experience in my life, getting to see how learning all of these different theories of the world is changing me for the better. and yea, it sucks being in the boondocks of western mass, and not being able to see my mom or my daddy for months at a time, or my friends at home, or eat good food, or have a car, or eat empanadas.....oh i miss empanadas.....

okay back to the writting....

last night was las vegas night, and i told myself that i was gonna have a good time since this is the only party that this school can actually throw, and thus did. i also reminded myself that i have an amazing tolerance. like amazing. we're not gonna discuss how many shots i had, but lets just say it was more than 4, and that i didnt take them out of a little bitch shot glass. ah, and i also had some other yummy drinks that involved 151 some rum and a little umbrella, those were some yummy drinks.

anywho, we did some pre-partying and some pre-pre-partying, and by the time i got to the "event" i was feeling pretty damn good. i wore the green naked dress, and that was fun bc everyone else was in like black and red and i was in green. and half naked. so i'll give some highlights of the night:

1. watching ev fall while walking down the firescape.
2. ummm getting to the pre-party already in the fuzzy state
3. running away from the sober group with drunk ev
4. jumping on brent's back bc my feet hurt too damn much
5. watching brent dry hump anna....that was just hillarious
6. watching various desperate women hit on brent
7. ahh the bisexual moment with anna...i couldnt stop laughing
8. watching brent dry hump anna some more, and feeling like i shouldnt be watching
9. being too drunk to gamble, but still trying to
10. running into my first yrs and watching them get hit on by drunken umass boys
11. dancing with a puerto rican from amherst and being retarded while dancing to abba
12. jumping on brent's back in a dress
13. having some random guy grab my ass while i was on brent's back and me watching him do it
14. watching ppl have sex on the dance floor
15. random cars stopping on the walk home and having them yell random things at us
16. watching anna walk like a gimp
17. watching ms.vembu dance with drunk men while sober
18. pushing alcohol on anna and yara who have no tolerance
19. getting to my dorm and being sober
20. the satisfaction of having actually attended a dr.pepper party

i got my new sexy printer in the mail today and i just love buying stuff off the internet...u go thru in the comfort of ur own home research stuff to death, check prices out and then u click on a couple of buttons and tada UPS is delivering ur printer over to u...its really an amazing system.

ummm yesterday i had the most amazing talk with my umass professor. the man is just so brilliant and so down to earth, every single thing that i would want to be like as a professor or as an economist this man like is the embodiment of it. and i just talked to him about everything from where i should go abroad to what classes i should take to get into grad school to what his feelings are about capitalism....like everything. and then we walked together to class and i got to hear him speak in french to this other prof. and the whole experience was just sureal to me. professors are like the most amazing ppl to me. especially this man since i've read most of his books and know his background and just to be able to ask the person whose book u read why they didnt include something, or why they phrased things a certain way and to just get an honest answer from them is just so amazing. the best thing about it is that he doesnt talk to me like i'm a student, or like he's above me, he talks to me like one friend would talk to another. neither being above the other just simply one person giving advice to someone else. its amazing really. and it makes me so thankful that i go to this school and that i'm lucky enough to be able to take classes from non-traditional economist...i really love my school and i'm so thankful that i randomly ended up here.....

last night i had a dream about Mr.Silvertooth, for some reason I was doing stand up (which is high up there as one of my public speaking fears) and he was one of the only people that came to wish me good luck. It was really an odd dream...it was something about being robbed in the hotel and silvertooth coming with his little girl to wish me goodluck, and me viewing him as a father figuare, and i didnt have both of my legs. i had a wooden peg for the missing one, and instead of like a foot i had a kid's rollerskate. i was basically a gimp doing standup....i have really odd dreams.

oh and i've figuared out that my entire job as an SA is to write signs. "Please wear your tops while brushing your teeth," "Dont be gross and put ur old food covered with maggots in the trash," "dont smoke here, do it 20 feet away," "if ur a male announce yourself before coming into the bathroom"

i'm reading my old post and all that I can really think is, "man i'm glad that I dont live with Kim." i now have issues with midgets/trolls, like i see ppl that are just abnormally short and the only noun that my mind can attach to that is "dirty troll"

i felt like a really big loser for not going out this weekend but thats okay, because next weekend I'll go out (yea vegas night!) and have fun the entire time and not do a bit of work. which will be great fun for me. hopefully i'll get to act at least a little un-SAish for some duration of it and Brent will actually show up and bring some friends like he said that he would and the weekend will be even less productive and more fun. oh yea, and i hope this cough goes away so that I dont look like a dirty prostitute (u know like the dirty crack whore who has that cough and is wearing the sleazy dress), well i hope the cough goes away so that in the event that i do go hoed out i wont look like a dirty whore.

i live in a pretty good sized dorm, and everytime that i go downstairs there are flowers down there....and i always check to see who they are for bc maybe maybe they'll be for me....but they never are...it makes me sad....but one day i will get flowers and that will be the happiest day ever....

yea the weather here sucks its all rainy and cold...i'd forgotten about the crappy weather. Its days like this that i wish i had kept my cute little butt in nice warm texas...

oh yea, i have some random girl on my floor who is brushing her teeth topless...i have no idea why anyone would think thats okay the bathroom is coed...i'm taking suggestions on the funniest thing that i can write on the flyers i'm gonna put up to remind ppl that brushing ur teeth topless is not okay.

the world is changing, and its a good thing that i feel that i'm changing too...this whole thing about going to war with iraq it seems normally to be like the charlie brown talk u know? the waawaawa wawaawawa...no real words...but the more i read about the idiot w. bush and his flimsy reasons for going to war the more i think this man has no clue what he is doing....and the scary part is that since i'm not a citizen (or male) i wouldnt be drafted...but all of my friends would be...and so would my andy...and the idea of that I cant really focus on...just the thought of what would i be willing to lose those ppl in my life for...just thinking 'would i trade brent for knowing that a crazy madman isnt in power anymore?" i doubt it...i wouldnt trade any of y'all for that...i dont feel theres a reason for us to go to war...and it makes me sad bc i feel like i've spent my whole life in a comma and i'm just barely starting to wake up...

read up on this stuff...its good for you.

so last night i got a phone call from the one and only ms. jessica williams who is sadly in alabama and not back at mount holyoke. but i was so out of it with like sinuses that i didnt recognize who it was that was calling...bc i answered the phone and was like "hello" and she said "hi jes this is jess" and my mind didnt comprehend what i just heard. but then i figuared it out and all was good. we talked a for a while and that made me happy and then anna and her talked and i decided that i was not going to be sick, so i took some nyquil. the gelcaps come in little packs of 2 so i thought "well i guess i'll take 2, wouldnt hurt" ...by the time anna finished talking to jes, my mind was spinning and i thought for sure that i could not stay awake any longer. so like a little crack baby i laid down and trying to talk to her with my eyes shut...which was fun....then i think anna left but i wasnt really sure and so i kept taking to her but she wasnt there....and someone knocked on my door and i thought it was anna, but it was one of my first yrs and i was very confused....then i think we had a conversation where i told her i was on crack/nyquil and then i think i slept....next thing i know the phone is ringing and its my HP telling me its mountain day...so i dont have italian today (which is great bc i had lab and class today, and didnt feel up to doing either), but i still have to go to umass, which is where i spend the greater portion of my day anyways....oh right and then i went to anna's rm sometime after that and then i hear this loud annoying fire drill thing and first words out of my mind are "fuck them"...so we all troll out outside, i'm wearing like a tank top and some pj bottoms and i look basically like a crack whore...and the best part of the whole thing is that when all the sa's get outside we're like "umm did u plan this? no i didnt plan this? do u know who's idea this was? no no clue...?maybe theres actually a fire....no i dont think it looks like its burning" yea....i'm so confused today its not even funny.

umm yea...its a bad sign when u wake up and its wednesday and u feel hungover like it was sunday.....damn that nyquil.