woohoo!

Its 80 in Cuba! I just got way more excited about my trip! I'm going to Cuba! yay! be excited for me!

a slow news day

This time next week I will be in Havana, Cuba. Thats just crazy. but really exciting, because it seems like I'm actually going and I have a ticket to Miami, and a hotel for the night, and I'm actually going. A tad bit scary, but thats okay because its only ten days, and its something different than what I would be doing if I just stayed home.

I wanted to post some random things, like how the news is just ridiculous, I just heard a report about college students and drinking, and the whole time I'm thinking "this is news?" But maybe its just a slow news day.

oh and during this break I realized that my nightmares have changed. Before I used to have nightmares about witches and falling off really high distances but now my nightmares are about having like 30 minutes to finish a giant paper. Thats just weird how my nightmares are now all school related but as andy said probably directly related to my finals.

umm thats all I have. I'm vaguely thinking about changing the format before I leave for Cuba, but right now I'm just thinking about it.

yay!

i got my hair cut today and its super cute, very Mandy Moore. and it makes me happy since the lady didnt straighten my hair, like more hair places do, she just washed it and cut tiny little layers into it and then let me go. and now its super cute and not frizzy and it makes me happy. the perfect thing to make me excited about my Cuba trip, since I was getting scared that I would end up with bad hair in all my vacation pictures. yes I worry about stupid things, but thats good bc it means that nothing awful is happening in my life and I can just worry about my hair. life is good.

i really should get a digital camera. then i could post my mandy moore cute hair online. but then i'd get weid stalkers. and that wouldnt make me happy. since stalkers are never fun.

laziness is an art

so. i'm home. been home for a while now, and I've pretty much just been watching bad tv and sleeping all day. umm. yea this isnt a very interesting post. umm lets see...so andy came to visit for a few days and that was really fun. i had to finish my stupid cuba paper, so i didnt get to spend tons of time with him, but it was still fun. we watched bad tv and went out to eat. and then his mom showed up on friday night, and we went to go eat with them. then the next morning they left. and then a couple of days later my bro showed up, but his bag didnt. umm and then it did. i saw Big Fish last night and it was a really good movie. although we got there late and i had to sit in the very first row and that wasnt so much fun. but it worked out.

i'm leaving for cuba next week, and i'm a little nervous about it. we're having some problems with the travel agency and it seems like we dont have our visas yet... i really hope its not going to be a problem. i hope everything goes well. while i'm in Cuba I wont be able to communicate with anyone since its 3 dollars per minute and internet connections are not easy to find. but i'll take pictures and then post them.

and i'll bring back cool things from cuba, so let me know what you want and i'll see what i can do.

15 hours!

We are down to the final 15 hrs before I begin my journey back to Texas. I have to clean (since I wont be back for a month), pack, and get as much of my Cuba paper done as is humanely possible. The ideal would be for me to finish it, but thats impossible. If my battery worked I might be able to get it finished on the plane, but it doesnt, so I'm just going to sleep.

In the last 5 days I have written over 25 pages and taken a corporate finance final. Thats just insane. What is more insane is the fact that I am still awake and coherrent even though I'm not looking too good since I've been sleeping in 4hrs a night. I think what was key though was recognizing what I could and could not accomplish and taking breaks to go eat food.

now lets see how much I can get done before heading home.

I finished!

I have completly finished my fem and queer paper on the performativity of race! And I actually like it! and that makes me feel super proud that I did it. I hope she likes it, but I think its honestly a good solid paper and I dont mind the fact that it took me a little longer than I had hoped to finish. I'd rather have quality than just finish something that is crap. I now have 34 hrs left to study/take a final and to get as much of my cuba paper done as possible. Hopefully I will be able to get my friends to help me pack and do some laundry and then I'll just finish the Cuba paper at home since it's not due till saturday. yay! Although after this writing marathon I feel more ready to tackle this paper and get it done. Right now its started, with a solid thesis, outline, and the paper has been divided into sections. Most importantly the logic flows. And I know sooooo much about Cuba now after reading like 20+ books and articles on the subject. My works cited page will be insane so he'll have to give me an A in the class. Lets hope.

todays addiction

today's addiction is: http://www.theory.org.uk

My favorite stuff in here are the Judith Butler, bell hooks, and Michael Foucault trading cards and the lego people. This site rocks.

Oh and you know what else rocks? Having 9 pages of my paper done! woohoo!

not writing

this is just too addictive: http://exchangeprogram.org/

accomplishments

I have finished my italian paper.
I have 7 pages of my fem and queer paper (out of the 15 needed)
and I started my massive Cuba paper (I have a plan of attack and the historical section)

tonight I will finish this fem and queer paper. it will be done. I can feel it. Besisdes which I'm not concerned because I have the best intro in the history of intros. the rest of it is questionable, well I have a solid three pages and the rest is just a vague outline with quotes.

fun stuff. I come home on Tuesday. yay!

Finals

Jessica hates finals. She thinks that they are stupid. She also thinks that she needs to be working on her 3 papers. But she is on a break. Breaks are good. Jessica likes breaks. She has 40 pages to write before Tuesday at noon. Jessica will not get much sleep between now and Tuesday, but she will write like theres no tomorrow. Writing is good. Do you want to write Jessica's paper for her? Please say you do. You could just write one paper. Maybe the 25 page one? That one will be fun. Or you can take Jessica's corporate finance final. That will also be fun. People like to have fun.

I'm losing my mind

I just spent the last 30 minutes trying to remember where I knew this woman from that I opened the door for...and it was weird because I remembered the general direction where I knew her from, like I knew I had met her on the side of campus by the gym, career center, and the health center. and then I was like did I meet her this summer? Is she a nurse? I could not for the life of me remember. Then like 30 minutes passed and it just came to me, she was my yoga instructor but I didnt recognize her bc she was wearing normal clothing. Yea. I need sleep.

But instead I will diligently work on my research for my fem and queer paper. must be brilliant. must. thats the problem with having other intelligent oveachievers in your class, you know you can't slack off. Especially since we're posting our papers online...and their going to read my stuff. eeeek! must write.

sleep

this is why i don't go to Galveston

in other news I can't go to sleep. not even when I want to. Like I was going to take a nap from 3-7am but I just couldnt. Like I lay in bed and just stared at the ceiling. not very fun, and it was made even worse by the fact that I really wanted to get some sleep. dammit. oh well. I just ended up going back to bed and sleeping till 10:30. I can't pull all nighters anymore, I'm too old. its probably for the best though.

i hate it when that happens

I had a post but something happened and blogger didnt accept it. i vaguely remember what i wrote about.

i'm going home on the 16th and thats exciting. and I bought the ticket for supercheap and thats also exciting. umm i have finals stuff that i should be doing. i think something like 50+ pages that need to be written by the time i go home. yea. i need to get on that.

also go to andys site and read the 12 sti's of christmas. it'll put you in the holiday spirit

the universe hates me

theres snow everywhere. thus no formal. no andy. no drinking. just the cold and my goddammed work. beautiful.

finals time

Here's a fun exercise for the kids. Go to google type in "miserable failure" and then hit the "I'm feeling lucky button" Its fun, I promise.

Its finals time, this means that I have work that I'm ignoring and not doing. This is also made worse by the fact that my parents havent gotten around to buying my plane ticket to go home, and I need to be home by the 17th. Yay for my parents! Add in the fact that my dad is in San Angelo and doesnt answer his cell phone and loses my phone number and now you're in my world. woohoo!

so what am i doing to fix this situation? I'm going to Boston tomorrow for a formal! yay! drinking and wearing pretty dresses fixes even the worst of problems.

hey hey!

Its Andy's 21st Birthday!

and my seminar was cancelled!

and its december and it snowed today!

today rocks!

Parents

I've been thinking about parents today, and how when I was younger there were always things that I wanted to do but my parents just wouldn't let me. Especially since my parents are notoriously protective. When I was in sixth grade I liked a boy named josh rocke. and although he wasn't the brightest he had really blue eyes and I wanted to go to the roller rink with him on a "date" or as much of a date when you can have when ur in sixth grade and your parents are still driving you around. But of course my parents wouldn't let me go by myself, probably since they didn't trust alesha (I wonder why?) and they didn't trust me. so they came along. on my "date" with josh rocke. and scarred me for life. and you know what I thank them for that. alesha's parents let her do whatever she wanted and bought her all the coolest things (she had a waterbed when she was 12, how cool is that?) and let her have birthday parties. all I got was bunk beds and being forced to go to church and not being allowed to bring home B's.

but now I'm well adjusted and alesha's well...getting a divorce and has the most adorable kid. so I'm thankful that my parents were so mean to me when I was 12, because what the hell did I know when I was 12? nothing. what did my parents know? that boys named josh rocke end up in rehab before they turn 21 and that I would get nowhere hanging out at the roller rink. my parents rock. no pun intended.

home

i find myself really wishing that i had stayed closer to home for these four years. i have so many mixed emotions about it all. i really have grown a lot by being on my own, and i've grown to appreciate my family so much more during this time. at the same time though i cant help but envy the people that i see running off to their homes whenever times get tough and wish that i could always know that i could get on a bus and go home whenever i wanted a good meal and a hug.

although i do always know that i can go to andys whenever i need to hide and be loved and that i'm very blessed to have that. i just wish that i had stayed in hiding a little longer this weekend. but oh well. you live and you learn.

i am a big dork

okay this just excites me because i'm a big nerd. but its okay because i like being a nerd.


You are Hhomi K. Bhabha! You're the most important
post-colonialist alive. You taught at the
University of Chicago for a while before you
were finally hired up by Harvard. You actually
only have one book, but it's a really important
book, and everyone respects you tremendously.
You are not dead.


What 20th Century Theorist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

so i'm in boston and I should be working, but i'm not. oh well.

Boston

I am so ready for this semester to be done! Because once its over I get to go home and see my parents and my friends and eat food and be merry. Before I can get there though I just have to get through one 25 pg paper, two 15-20pg papers, and a final. yea. not a fun prospect. but it'll get done and i'll survive and write brillant papers and be done with this semester.

this weekend i'm going to boston though, and not working on any of these papers since i need to get off campus and maybe see Brent and definately see Andy. so yea, in conclusion i have a comment thread thats 30+ comments long. i win.

oh and today I learned that a penis is just simply an enlarged clitoris. so ponder that.

my dad rocks

My daddy is the best man in the entire world. I talked to him on the phone today and he just put me in the best mood since my mom had kinda stressed me out, since I told her that I could graduate early and she said that I should and that I should go work for that semester, but I dont want to go to work just yet. So I told my dad about it and he said that I should just stay that year and take chinese and french and just learn for the sake of learning, and that just made me so happy to know that I had his support. Then I told him about my new idea of joining the peace corps after I graduate and doing that for the next two years after I graduate, and I thought he wasnt going to go for the idea but he was just like "why not? if its something that you can do then you should do it." Once again reaffirming that he is just the best man on earth. ever. the end.

idiot bush

this picture just upsets me way too much this early in the morning.
and if you can't see whats wrong with the picture, look closer. or read this.

little post

This week has been interesing, with andy coming to visit and getting fun things in the mail and school winding down. I've been attempting to get more sleep so I'm going to do a quick post just so y'al know i'm still alive. its getting really cold, like 30s and it was way too windy today. I have my schedule for next semester done and for my senior year I only have 3 more classes left! woohoo! so today I decided that I want to take an art class, more languages, a photography class, and just fun things to do. and some more stuff at umass since their classes are fun. I'm incredibly looking foward to coming home and then going to Cuba, but right now I just want to see my parents and eat yummy food but the semester is almost over just 4 more weeks of class and then finals. I am so ready to be done with this semester and the classes that I'm taking since for the most part they have not been very good. Except for my women's studies class which I always learn the most useful wonderful things in, except sometimes its depressing. Oh and my cute cd drive came in the mail today, so I'm just waiting for a firewire cable to come in the mail and then i'll be all set. ok thats it.

read this:
this is just creepy

excitement

so my mommy is wonderful and bought me a very tiny laptop that is incredibly light and tiny. this is a good thing because I dont like lifting things and I don't like to carry heavy things around. With the help of Charles and my bro I picked out really cool things that my laptop needed, like a cd drive and a wireless card. excitement. oh and my daddy bought me a cute laptop bag that is sadly not a designer laptop bag but is really tiny, comfortable, and padded. so i think i'm going to make it cute and really enjoy the random gifts my parents decided to give me.

the end.

its getting cold

i looked around today and noticed that all the pretty leaves had fallen down already. i wonder when the last time i looked up was.

in other news I'm tired of the look of this place so i need suggestions on what i should do. i'm just not looking foward to playing with the links again...or the colors. but we shall see.

in other other news, i've decided that i should get a wonderful digital camera for my cuba trip since i've wanted to get one and this is a good excuse to treat myself. i deserve something nice.

and what else. i had my cuba presentation today and it went rather well in my opinion. a bunch of ppl asked questions, no one looked too bored, and i think i made all my points and it all made sense. i got a tad bit nervous, since i was scared some ppl were bored, and i hate boring ppl (since i lose interest rather quickly) but i realized that it wasnt me that just their normal expression and then i moved on. i dont know how long i talked for though...i was supposed to talk for 20minutes. so yea. that went well ppl told me they loved my presentation, so that makes me a happy girl.

better

i figured that i should post something more upbeat since the last post was not so happy. i'm feeling better though, although its odd bc not really has changed between where i am now and last thrusday i'm still in the same yam as I was in but at least i have really great friends. like super great. and a really great man who shows up on my doorstep and visits for a few hours because he nows i need him...even if i wont ask. and my parents love me which is an extra bonus.

i spent the weekend on work and sleep and then andy visited and that was really good. i felt better just not being alone. and then he left and i spent the day in the sunroom reading and working on my presentation on cuba. i feel like i know a lot about cuba which is good. i'm finishing up a paper tonight and then hopefully sleeping. we'll see how that goes.

this time its going to be different.

some days you just feel like the world's bitch. like you're entire existance is for other people to dump their shit on you. today's definately that day. but i will not cry anymore. i will not wonder if there's something wrong with me since i seem to get dumped on more than other people. i will wonder whats wrong with them. i will not be a passive victim. i will fight for the things that i've worked for. i will not cry.

Manifestos

After writing a really long response to something Deb said on her blog, I realized something that I've known for a while now. There are certain things that I am passionate about and other things that are just a waste of my time. I want to get my PhD in economics and change the world for the better because life is so short and there is so much out there that needs to be done, but the thing is we all get so wrapped up in our own lives and in stupid petty material shit ("I want this, I need this") that all we see is ourselves and what we don't have and what we wished we had because if we only had that thing then maybe we would finally be content. But there's no such thing. I wouldn't be satisfied with a pair of Manolos, I'd want more. In the same way that I find it very hard to be satisfied within a relationship because there's always something that isn't quite right. When in reality if we all just stopped and looked at all the things that are right and just stopped focusing on ourselves we would realize just how lucky all of us are. And just how powerful we are. But somehow between the ages of 5 (when you think there's nothing that you cannot do) and 20 we lose that and become riddled with insecurities. Am I smart enough to do this? Am I pretty enough? Am I strong enough? and we become paralyzed and begin to live in our own small bubbles.

well I don't have that much time left but I'm going to make as much change as one person can do in a lifetime. I've already wasted 20yrs, I'm not wasting anymore. Besides which I do not live in Cuba so I have the freedom to speak my mind freely.

i've decided to do a special major somehow blending economics and women's studies because I dont have time to waste learning idiotic neoclassical economic bullshit. it doesnt apply to the real world where people work all day like machines and then wake up 20yrs later and wonder what happened to their families and their children that have grown up without them.

the more i learn the angrier that i get and if you're not learning things that are making you angry then consider this your wake up call. you are wasting your education. you are wasting an opportunity. do not wake up 20yrs from now and wonder why your wife left you and where all your dreams went. This is your chance to change your life. Do not let it pass you by.

Yay for activities!

I just had a really great hall activity that I threw together in the 30minutes before the event and it went really well and that makes me happy since its my job to get people to come together and mingle and the best way to do that is thru food. So I got really yummy cookies and fruits and caramel dip and then the people just started coming down. It was really great and it made me feel good since I become really afraid that no one is going to show up to my events.

so now i'm going to go to bed with my cuba books.

I hate waking up.

it has reached that point in the semester where I would rather sleep than go to class and where I am now talking myself into going to class. I think it might be better if I was actually getting as much sleep as I was earlier in the semester (I was getting a good 8-10hrs every night) but now I start a new Cuba book before bed and then I don't go to sleep until I'm too tired to see the words anymore. But on a good note I have now finished 5 books on Cuba like read them not just flipped thru them and got good info. I also think that I don't want to wake up bc its so hard for me to go to sleep in the first place that once I'm actually asleep I don't want to stop that. its so precious sleep.

oh and this is from Brent (You'll like it I promise)

too funny to not share

This came from: http://www.nerve.com/regulars/thisweekinsex/10-10-03/

What Kimmy's Mom and the Vatican Have in Common

Once TWR was babysitting our three-year-old niece Kimmy, who would not shut up. We asked her if she wanted some ice cream — figuring that if we gave her a whole gallon that was really frozen, it might occupy her for a while — but she recoiled in horror. Apparently, her mother had told her that frozen desserts contained bugs which, when ingested, would devour her from the inside out. No joke.

We chalked that one up to questionable parenting, but this week we were reminded that you're never too old to be fantastically deceived by people who want you to behave a certain way. Apparently, the Vatican (which, for our purposes, roughly corresponds to Kimmy’s mom) has issued warnings in AIDS-stricken countries (Kimmy) that people should not use condoms (ice cream) because they contain tiny holes that AIDS can pass through (organ-devouring bugs).

The president of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for the Family, Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, stated, "The AIDS virus is roughly 450 times smaller than the spermatozoon. The spermatozoon can easily pass through the 'net' that is formed by the condom.” Meanwhile, the archbishop of Nairobi, Raphael Ndingi Nzeki, said: "AIDS . . . has grown so fast because of the availability of condoms."

Meanwhile, I'm banging my head against a wall. — Carrie Hill Wilner

random

my italian profesor just called my room. i love going to school this small.

Vegas Night Recap

Last night was Vegas Night and it's the biggest party that we have at Moho, and some of the guys from the house came over and we made margaritas. By "we" I mean me and Victor made some, and by "margaritas" I mean that I poured some tequila, margarita mix, sugar, and ice into my blender and created something that was no quite a margarita. I'm still learning its okay. or at least thats what I tell myself. The guys who came are just so sweet and fin so it was a completely not-stressful evening of walking randomly from one place to another. and then eventually coming back to my room and drinking some more. but i didn't get sloshed since I have absolutely no desire to blackout, throw up, or wake up in the morning with a pounding headache. but it was fun and i had a good responsible time. go me!

now my room smells like Jose Cuervo and smoke so I must fix that. immediately.

I'm going to Cuba!

I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!I'm going to Cuba! I got accepted!

yay!

Wednesdays can suck my 2 dicks*

I turned in my Cuba application today and I'm so scared. This is something that I really want to go to and I'm scared I'll be rejected. It'll be just like high school when I really really wanted to go to Israel and live in a Kibbutz but I was rejected and Pasha and someone else got to go because I said that my daddy was a engineer. But then again I did meet Andy that summer and that was a life altering experience so maybe if I don't get in I'll do something better instead...Like stay in Houston and drive around all J-term....Lovely.

in other news, yoga is really relaxing and as much as I want to make fun of it I really can't because its helped me strengthen my back and has increased my flexibility a lot, plus my instructor is super nice and helps me with my postures all the time because I'm not nearly as graceful as I look. I just have no time for it, so I'm thankful its almost over.

this is good for a fun read.

(*oh and the title is in reference to a wonderful article that I read in my fem and queer class)

I love not going to school

It was a highly productive break that began with getting over my cold/flu and then andy showing up and drilling things into the wall. We finally got all of my lanterns up and my room is once again nice and bright and happy. i also put up a curtain in the entrance to my room and organized my room. The only things that are left to be cleaned and organized are my desk and a corner of my room that has a box full of books and various other things.


in other news i'm a big huge dork and i like it. i went to the library today and picked up all my Cuba books with Yara and it was just really fun to watch the librarian go and pick up all the books i had on reserve...it was like 20 of them....the look on her face was priceless. but i'm really excited about this paper so thats good, and i'm going to go and read my books now, like the big huge dork that i am. oh and then we started joking around about how black listed I am now. My phone's probably on its way to be tapped. i like how this amuses me.

oh and if any of y'all know where to find a cafe table (small with like 2 matching chairs) i would love you forever. the end.

this is just a too disturbing

What will your Funeral be like? by rashock
Username
You will die by:	You died of natural causes. How sweet. Your funeral is an adverage open casket.
Death Date:	January 28, 2040
Number attending your funeral?	22
How much will you leave to friends and family?	$4,380,971
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

I love Boston!

We went to Boston today for the day and it was just such a great trip and it taught me a bunch of things like:

1) My friends are just so great, and I'm so happy here because the people that I hang out with are just the nicest, sweetest, funniest people I could be friends with and they're are just so amazing because there's no drama. no mess no fuss. just good times. I like that.

2) Andy just makes me happy. we just work together and its fun doing absolutely nothing with him. Plus I can be a big huge dork around him and its okay. I like that.

3) I love to shop. and I'm good at it too. I bought the softest pink scarf, a bunch of cute elastic headbands, and nailpolish. and I have a new favorite store. which is always exciting.

4) I really like hanging out at the house. it just makes me feel normal to be around guys. and these guys are funny and sweet.
5)I like having things in sets of 5.

the end.

Cuba crazy

I'm in the library on a Saturday night, and the sad/pathetic part is that this is my entertainment for the night and I don't mind it. So I'm supposed to be reading my corporate finance but that's just boring, so I decided that something fun and productive that I could do was to start my research on my research paper that's due at the end of the semester. yea I'm a big dork, so I started looking up books and ordered a bunch of them up...like more than 20....but that's okay because its only October and this isn't due until the end of December. yea feel free to hate me, mostly because I'm excited about this and starting my research waaaay too early.

oh and its really cold here. and its only October. If it started snowing in the next couple of weeks I wouldn't be surprised.

Exhausted

Wednesdays try to kill me, and this last one damn near succeeded too. I started my day by waking up at 5:30am since I wanted to be ultra good and study for 6hrs before classes started, well I went to the bathroom and then came back into my room and I heard screaming, and not like happy "hey its the crew team lets scream" screaming (the crew team likes to yell in the morning), but it was "someone's getting killed" screaming. Being the scarie cat that I am I jumped back into my bed and just tried to go to sleep. but I just remembered that I'm living in a dorm that was built and has been in use since 1912, which does not provide me comfort.

so then I wake up around 8ish, shower and then start cramming for my corporate finance quiz and realize that I'm screwed. I walk over to class with yara (who's b-day it was yesterday and has been sick with a cold/flu/viral congectavitis for 2weeks now), and I basically use class time to cram some more. I think I missed 2, but it doesn't matter since I have to get perfect scores on ten of the quizzes so I don't have to take the final. Then was lunch, then boring Italian, then my day kicked into high speed since I had 30minutes to walk across campus (15 minute walk), change into yoga clothes (5 minutes), and write my makeup assignment for yoga which meant that I walked to the library (10minutes) and wrote my paper (I did it in like 15minutes) then walked over to class (and I didn't run, which is a 5minute walk from lib to gym) and got to class in time. so basically I bended the rules of space and time bc I got to class, dressed and everything, 5 minutes before it started.

after that it was back to the library for me, since I had to post a reflection on the readings for my seminar online, which meant finishing the readings and posting in the 3hrs that I had before my meeting at 7...I thought I was going to get to eat dinner but no...so I asked amazing yara to grab me some fruit at dinner and bring it to me...so that's what kept me from starving at my meeting for res life. which was actually fun for some odd reason, and I got to use my engineering skills for the first time in my liberal arts career since we built water towers out of spaghetti, straws, and tape and we did it in 20 minutes. Our structure was the tallest and the most stable, and it completely supported the water balloon on top. So the fact that I went to HSEP finally paid off, which is nice since I don't like losing.

then after the meeting ended (9pm) I finally got to eat dinner...well no, I went back to the library to collect yara and finish some work, then we got dinner (10pm). I didn't get to actually eat my food until 10:40pm when I got back to the dorm and I proceeded to inhale my food. and my tummy hurt. I then collapsed into my bed after saying hi to ev.

damn I'm tired just thinking about yesterday.

i like being old

another very wonderful weekend. i'm back in south hadley and i'm exhausted. i just want to sleep. but this weekend was pretty laid back, on friday i read all day while andy did silly errands and was ocd with his laundry. then saturday was the formal and i drank smirnoff while everyone else had wine (i think it'll be a while before i have any wine) and then me and andy were old and stayed in while ppl went out on limos. this was my 8th formal, its pretty much lost all its luster and its more of a "yea let me put something together" type of thing. we sat up on the roof and talked and it was really nice. i like being old. now if only i had finished my corporate finance so i could just got to bed.

A most sad day

I was viciously attacked by a squirrel today and Edward Said died today, which is an incredible lost. If you don't know who he was shame on you, and you should read up on a man who was one of the most brilliant thinkers of our time.


other than that though lunch was very nice, and my fem and queer theory class is really entertaining and I'm starting to really understand it and enjoy it so much more. I think I'm really learning and growing as a person and an intellectual this semester so I'm most excited about this transition. and yea, I'm going to Boston tomorrow, which is a much welcome break.

not mountain day

its so sad. I knew it wasn't going to be mountain day and yet... I just wanted to believe that I would get the day off. especially since I stayed up way past my bedtime having waaay too much fun with ev. I'm glad I actually get to see her this year, like down the hall from me. oh but yea. I didn't study for corporate finance, that class just makes me so sad. Its not what I'm excited or even want to do with my life, I mean why would someone really want to sell their soul and work at Goldman Sachs? But yea, so I didn't study for my quiz so I'm gonna have to cram some info into my brain before I take this quiz. But at least I wont forget my calculator this time.

I keep checking and checking to see if maybe it is Mountain Day and I just didn't get called bc I have the pretty signs all made up....But sadly, it is not mountain day. Maybe it'll be next Wednesday though. I can hope.

my weekend rocked!

I had the most wonderful weekend, and I wish I was still in Boston but I'm not I'm back in south Hadley wondering why I don't live in Boston and when mountain day shall be. I want it to be next wed. bc weds are my longest days and its yara's birthday so we could all go and do something fun. lets see there was a dinner on Friday with the whole house and the food was not so good even though I love seafood, but it was fun to go back to the house in a cab and not walk and have some ice cream and just hang out before everyone got back. Then Saturday I watched the very end of jes playing volleyball and then I took a nap while andy was in a meeting and then went out to dinner with andy to this place called charlies that was just so delicious and yummy and the waiter was really nice and the place was just really nice, and then Sunday I got andy out of going to a meeting and we just hung out and andy explained evil math to me and I kept him from doing his work. then I left super early in the morning and don't remember much of anything from class, except that I just wanted to come home and sleep and not be in class, or that I really could have lived with not going to classes today and taking the day off.

oh well, I'm back and I'll be back in Boston next weekend so I don't have t miss Andy for too much longer. I wish I could just skip my movie and just sleep.

my schedule is out to kill me

every week so far is the same thing. The beginning of my week is all running around trying to stay on top of all my readings and my other fun obligations, and then all of a sudden its Thursday and I don't even know it because all the days are so long and blended together that I didn't really think I would actually get to see Thursday and then its here and I realize that I cant relax yet because the next week is already starting and all I want to do is catch my breath before I start it all over again. I'm trying to decide if I should go to Boston for the weekend and have some fun or just stay home and be productive. I really really want to see andyroo bc we've just had such a rough go at it this summer that I really want to just celebrate the fact that we've made it this long and are still together. At the same time though I know that I should stay and be responsible and do my readings, clean and organize my room (I still haven't finished unpacking), and just not add more stress into my life. But I really want to see him, although I am going to see him next weekend for the formal...I don't know. This entire week I've been pretty on top of things, and waking up early and doing my work and cleaning and just generally being responsible, I know I need a break, I just don't know if I can wait a week until that break happens.

decisions decisions

all work and no play makes jes a dull girl

Ever since I moved from my old location to my new location, I have had no free time, and when I've done fun stuff its bc I'm ignoring something important. Like I havent even had time to talk to my mom all that much, and I love talking to her. But I've been getting up pretty early, especially considering that my classes are in the afternoon, like today i dont have class until 1pm, but i'm up now bc i feel guilty for not doing all of the ridiculous reading. Its really insane the amount of stuff i've been reading. its a shame that I'm not a slacker bc if I was I wouldnt feel so bad when I cant do all the readings or all my SA duties, i just start feeling guilty and so i punish myself and stay in the library all weekend and wake up early. At least I have yoga to make me calm down, except that I thought yoga was all stretching and laying down on the ground, but its not, like yesterday I broke a sweat which I didnt think would actually happen.

So yea, maybe all this work will mean a much easier time later on, or maybe it;ll get me ready for things getting much worse as the semester gets more stressful. we'll see.

squirrels are ppl too

I just shared a moment with a squirrel. I was in the process of waking up trying to figure out why I had woken myself up so early and then I hear leaves breaking right outside my window and the same kind of crunch u would hear when someone is walking over leaves, only it was smaller. so I looked outside my window from my bed (which is 4ft off the ground) and I saw something brown outside my window, and since I didn't have my glasses it looked like a rat. but then rats don't have bushy tails so I knew I was dealing with a squirrel. I got my glasses out and sure enough it was a squirrel looking thru my window and trying to break in thru the screen. I thought about letting it in, but then I realized that might scare the squirrel and then I'd have to deal with a squirrel running loose thru my room. So I just kept staring at it and then it just stopped and looked at me, and we stayed like that for a long time. Until it decided to move higher up the building. So yea, that was my moment with the squirrel, which made waking up so early completely worthwhile.

Happy Anniversary Andyroo!

the umass vortex of doom

I woke up at 7am this morning and went on my merry way to Umass for my second attempt at taking a class there, so i get there at 9am, 15minutes early to class, and sat in the room and waited. then i waited some more, then as more people started to pass by the room, but not go into the room i was in i became very nervous that i was in the wrong classroom. so i wandered the hall looking for some sign of where my class would be. Then people starting going into the room where i had been waiting so i felt relief that i wasnt an idiot and was in the right room all along. Except that these didnt look like the type of ppl that would be taking an econ or women's studies class (it was the political economics of women) and then i saw the professor and he definetly didnt look like the kind of man that would teach a women's studies class. and he wasnt. this wasnt my class, it was biology or neuroscience or something. so i got up and left the building feeling like an idiot and got right back on the bus to go back to moho, where things make sense to me. where the pol econ of women was being held i dont know...although now i know that i wouldnt have gotten in anyways bc my professor emailed me and told me that there was an 8 person waiting list for the course.

that was my morning. this is why i dont wake up that early. but i did perform a good deed by telling hampshire kids how to get to the gym and where to buy food. so not all was wasted.

The start of a new year

Its been a really long couple of weeks, but very fun too. I've met a bunch of really cool women, and I started picking out my classes and trying to get into umass classes and I dropped some courses bc my schedule was insane. My beds also now 4ft off the ground so my illegal fridge can fit under there. I'm pretty much running on low/empty but its been so wonderful having ppl move back on campus and i feel like i'm in such a good stable place, like i'm not a firstie whos super nervous or a sophmore whose still pretty unsure of stuff, and i'm not graduating this year. I'm in a great place where I know what the deal is with school, I know my way around, i'm comfortable in my own skin and I have another yr ahead of me thats going to be as drama free and dun as possible. its a good time.

my room is a complete mess though bc I dont have enough storage space anywhere. so that sucks, but andy will come over with a little tool kit and fix it, and so thats okay too. life is good.

oh and once i have a bit more time i'll revamp the old blog to something better bc change is good and healthy.

Say anything. Just say it in French.

I like how what I want to do with my life just changes randomly. So today I was sitting around with Satya and he's been trying to talk me into going to UMASS so that I dont leave him alone in South Hadley bored out of his mind. I dont want to be in this valley anymore than i have to so I make it very clear that I'm just not staying here. So he's talking about how besisdes UCRiverside there isnt another progressive economics campus for me to go to, and I really dont wanna end up learning boring neoclassical bullshit for the rest of my life, with prospects in the US looking really slim I was just like "well what about outside of the US?" He's like well then theres lots of options, although American Phds are really the best thing you could get, but if you really wanted to study economics just go to France and learn economics in Paris. I was like now that i can live with, and if I can learn italian, i can learn french I did take it in high school so i vaguely remember learning something there., and I know I can learn french. So I'm looking into intensive language institutes for the summer, and this looks like something I can do.

oh and check out my bro's site because it is looking hot.

Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.


What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

raindrops keep falling on my head

yea so its raining and its been raining for a while now, but the annoying thing about it is that its not really pouring, instead there has been this constant half-assed rain where its sprinkling and just hazy. It looks like its going to be like this for the entire week, and that just bugs me, because if its going to rain it should just rain not be this weird mist stuff. It just puts me in an odd mood. I dont want to do any work, I dont want to read anything, I just want to move into my new room and get the rest of my things out of storage, or I wanna be in Texas playing with a 2yr old. But I'm not in Texas, I'm here. I'm feeling very blah about everything and I'm tired of living here. I'm really looking foward to andy's visit this next week, maybe he'll help me pack and at least then i'll have someone to talk to. um yea. thats it.

Why aren't I in Texas?

I've been asking myself this since I started packing my bags and getting ready to leave again for mass, with everytime i leave it gets harder and harder to go, which is ass backwards since it should just get easier for me to leave, but its just getting harder. Everytime I go home its just more fun than the last time, and I just love having alesh in my life like this and getting to hang out with kassady and having her call my name and kiss me just stole my heart. i know why i'm here and then i dont... summer has just been so odd, and everything has just kept turning itself over and i dont know whats going to happen next. all i know is that i wish i was in texas sorting my feelings out... i dont know whats going to happen next and i dont know what i want.

everytime i go home i feel so much like myself and so damn happy, and then i get back here and i feel like i left my soul in texas like i go thru the motions but i havent found my place here bc my place is in texas with the people i love and the new people that i'm starting to love. i just feel like i'm living split lives that have nothing to do with one another. i wish i could just get ppl to move with me or that i could commute in from texas...or something. oh that and i'd kill someone for a whopper right now. seriously.

"wait so why arent we in jail right now?"

yea so my week in Houston went by in a blur punctuated by a night out on Saturday that I vaguely remember, so I must have had some fun. I worked that day at astroworld working security for the Kumbia Kings concert basically being a bitch and telling ppl they couldnt come in with video cameras. They loved me. I also saw more hootched out 12 year olds than I needed to see, I was just thinking the whole night "your mother let you out of the house looking like that?" like my mom would have kicked my ass if she saw me looking like a prostitute at 11, when your 20 you earn the right to look like a hooker and you can wear whatever you want to pull off but in the pre-teens come on now, you dont even have anything to show off. oh and i saw plenty of unattractive ppl so that made me feel much prettier, bc it just simply reminded me what normal people look like, and I felt bad for them.

So after standing for 6 hrs straight I knew that I deserved a drink, and so we all (alesh, kenneth, some friends of kenneth, alesh' cousin, and me) went out to a club first and then we stopped at a gas station bought some beer and since I dont drink beer some smirnoff triple black for myself, and then went to some party in the warehouse district, where i was i dont know, but the music was good and loud and i had a bunch of fun being a goof with alesh' and company. After that things get fuzzy. I have no concept of how much time i actually spent there, but i do know that by the end of our time there alesh had decided that I was not going home like that, and I think i agreed. what proceeded next was the longest and most drunken drive of my life. I think i tried to jump out of the car at least 4 times. I managed to escape from the car though only like twice...actually no more than that...the most memorable one/least memorable one was when she parked the car in a parking lot bc i guess they were afraid i was gonna get out while the car was in motion and i just layed down on the parking lot floor and shut my eyes and then next thing i knew there were two cop cars and i was like "oh shit, i'm going to jail now" but tre and alesh talked to them and then one of the cops asked me some questions and then we were on our way. with the amount of open containers and various other things in the car i really should have been in jail...my mom would have loved that.

ummm finally we got to alesh' and i took a really cold shower and tried to sleep but the room was spinning so hard and alesh made me eat toast and it was really gross. then we called my mom so she wouldnt freak out and i drunkenly told her i wasnt coming home and she was pretty calm about it. and then it was the next day. that was my night. or as much as i can remember. the end.

malls + kids= not fun

Going shopping with a two year old is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Its just really tiring and you dont really get to do any real shopping, so that was a bust. But kassady is just really fun to be around minus her busting up my lip with her head and trying to poke my eye out, oh and thinking that my breast are drums and banging at them while i'm carrying her. other than that it was really fun.

my birthday was yesterday and it was really fun. american airlines lost my bags and told me they would arrive at 5pm and they didnt even show up until 2am. I really should have just checked the bag...eh at least now i know. but i got to hang out with brent and steven and that was just really fun we ate yummy food with my folks and then my mom showed up with the cake and we ate cake. oh and i got really really pretty flowers from andy. so it was a very good day.

home bound

I love Texas, but in order to love it I had to run the hell away from it and everything else that I had there. Going home is always so sweet now, its just the best and i'm so excited about seeing my parents and just being home. I think thats the best thing that I can have for my birthday is just to be home for it. So at 4am tomorrow my journey home will begin and i cannot wait to have an amazing carne asada.

I'm so excited to finally be 20! I just feel so good at where I am right now. now if only the dreams would stop being so weird. oh well, at least their interesting.

i'm in love!

"Spa treatments are expensive but you know what's more expensive? divorce"

okay this stuff is gold. just pure and simple gold. what these guys can do is just simply amazing. and its funny too. ohh cant really say enough about this show, just watch it and learn and laugh. love gay men, just love them.


oh and i even had burger king for dinner which was soooo good. so today rocked. yay!

wishes

i found myself wishing for a lot of different things today, that my mother had never gotten cancer in the first place, that i hadnt gotten so drunk that i ruined a great friendship, that i had more money, that i was taller, that the neon's ac actually worked, that my hair behaved the way i want it to, that i had never met luis, that i had never met jon (not my brother a different jon), that i was closer to my brother....you get the point. I caught myself wishing that I had nicer skin and I stopped, and decided to be thankful instead because I have been blessed even if it doesnt seem like it sometimes. I get really tired of having ppl pity whats happened to me in my life, bc I dont feel sorry for myself so why should they. I'm thankful that I was born as smart and stubborn as I am, I'm thankful that my parents love me as much as they do, I'm thankful that I have some amazing friends that I carry with me in my heart where ever I go, I'm thankful that i wasnt an only child and that my parents stayed together for as long as they did, I'm thankful that my bro was kind enough to let me have the car for this long, i'm thankful that i met gabe and have such a fun job, and i'm most thankful that I'm at this school. theres tons of things that i can wish for that I know i'll never have, I'll never be on the cover of vogue or cosmo, i'll never be a sumo wrestler, or vegas showgirl, i'll never be president of the US (but i dont think i want the job anymore), i'll never have a trust fund, and i'll never be a singer or an actress, but i dont think thats a bad thing it just narrows down all the possible dreams to all the things that i really could do, like be on jeopardy, get a phd, write a book, have my own little stationary store, own a museum, travel, live on my own, and get a law degree... all these things are very possible.

I was talking with Gabe the other day and we started talking about alternate universes and he mentioned this theory that he had when he was little that boiled down to wondering whether we really had a true choice in life or if there was no choice at all, and i told him that i believed that there was always a choice, even if sometimes we feel theres no choice at all. then we started talking about alternate universes and how it was possible that we have lived everyone of our choices in a different alternate universe, and i liked this idea bc it created a real freedom for me, like we had ultimate choice bc we got to choose everything. i like that idea bc then theres no regret, bc in some alternate universe you already did whatever it is that you might regret not having done.

i had the most normal day today, i went shopping at old navy and bought a really cute skirt and some wonderful flip flops and a really belt thing. it was nice bc i havent been shopping in a while, so that was just nice to be able to go somewhere by myself without having to get anyone to get me a ride. i went to stapples and tried to find my planner but they didnt have the one that i like so it was a no go kind of thing. i was sad but i still looked around the store, so that was okay. umm lets see i dont know my way around here since i've never driven around here on my own, so it took me a while to find where the staples was and the thing is that its all country driving like where theres trackers coming out of nowhere and farms and stuff. i'm used to city driving. but it was fun, and so incredibly nice to have a car (yay for cars, thanks jonathan!)

fear

when i was a little girl i was terrified that my father would die. so much so that i would have nightmares of it, but they were odd childhood nightmares where this tiny woman was out to murder my father by driving him crazy and the most frightening part of the dream was just waking up and not being able to save him. i still have nightmares of my father dying, they've only gotten worse and more brutal with age. i would sit for hours when i was not quite so little but much younger than i am now, and think about what i would do if something did happen to my father, i think it was my way to try to gain some control over the fear. i'm afraid of a lot of things actually, i'm afraid of the dark and i'm not really ashamed to admit that. its not so much the dark that scares me its what my mind puts in there. To this day I will have to be in my bed with the covers half on before i turn off all the lights, and even then i have to put the covers over my face right after i do it. i'm afraid of a lot of things, ants, heights, midgets, clowns, drowing, being alone, certain paterns really creep me out too like mold or the way rust kinda bubbles over sometimes, or burns, like just thinking about it now i'm getting goosebumps, and really wondering why i'm sharing this since its a little weird. well i remember the point is i'm afraid of a lot of things, but above everything i'm afraid of losing my parents. but its bound to happen at some point, so theres no point in really thinking about it, or worrying about it, and i'd much rather have it so that they would die before me bc i think my parents world would just collapse if that happened.

are you strong enough to be my man?

i think I've attempted to talk every single man that ever felt something for me out of liking me. well not every single one of them, but the major ones at least, and some of the minor ones too. i just dont have the best track record with men, well its not in their best interest thats a better way to put it. i just think i'm too much of a romantic, too much of a dreamer to really ever be satisfied. is that so bad really....eh i dont really know. i just know that i'm tired of hurting ppl just bc i want more than they can humanly give me. or bc the timing isnt right, or theres too many miles between us.

theres all these little kids running around campus for some sort of camp for "gifted" children and these kids are the same size as me, and i just keep looking at them and i just feel so damn thankful that I'm not 9 anymore or 12 or 14 or any of those other awful ages, i remember telling myself that i only had 8 more yrs to go and then i'd be free to move the hell out of my house and go to college, like that was my mantra. and now i'm here. and i'm so thankful. i dont wanna get married i dont want any kids running around, i dont want a house in the suburbs i just want to rejoice in the fact that in 12 days i'll be 20! and not married with no kids! woohoo!

i'm rhambling now...but not really, i'm just so thankful for where i am, and that i've managed to not fuck up my life so far although i've tried. like its just really funny when i start thinking of how many times i could have been married and divorced by now. i'm just so thankful things ended when they did. i'm just happy for where i am. thats it. and that i dont really think i've found anyone who can really contain me...but thats not a bad thing.

jessica vs the ants

i hate ants, so of course a few of them decided to move in while i was away in Boston. So I cleaned everything and then bleached it and i thought that they would just go away. They didnt. Then I started being insanely careful about where I ate making sure that if a crumb fell anywhere on the floor i would immediately clean it up. But even with no food the ants would not go away. then i read something about ants hating baby powder so i sprinkled it everywhere they could possibly be, it seems to be working. like after i sprayed them i saw like 7 ants that seemed upset and they did not seem to enjoy the baby powder raining down on them. so i went to bed feeling relieved that they were finally going to go away. But i think they just went on the offensive bc something bit me and i think it was an ant, so then i couldnt sleep so now i'm sleep deprived, itchy bc of the damn ant bite, and afraid to eat anything bc of the ants. i cant wait to move into a new room so i can get some sleep...and be away from the ants.

just for Mr. Patterson

Cancer and Taurus

When Taurus and Cancer come together in a love affair, it's usually a very good combination. They are two positions apart within the Zodiac, and such Signs tend to share karmic ties and a deep mutual understanding. These particular two Signs have much in common: Both prize security in a love relationship above almost all else; both tend to be nurturers (Cancer is emotionally nurturing while Taurus loves to spoil their lover with sensual delights, gifts and good, rich meals). They're both quite domestic and love a quiet night spent at home with their sweetie.

The Taurus-Cancer partnership tends to be a happy one due to this mutual enjoyment of the security and comfort of home. They love a solid home base, a strong relationship, nice possessions, good food: all the comforts of domestic life. Theirs is often the ideal family that people of other Signs strive for, with strong ties between them and a relationship that is family-oriented rather than toward the outside world. Their only major problems arise when Taurus insists on having its own way and Cancer responds by sulking. Taurus must understand Cancer's emotional sensitivity, and Cancer needs rely on open, honest communication than on emotional blackmail.

Taurus is ruled by Venus (Love) and Cancer is ruled by the Moon (Emotions). Both of these celestial bodies vibrate with feminine energy. Cancer often keeps emotions bottled up and simmering inside, which can lead to occasional boil-overs. Thus, Cancer is attracted to Taurus's open, honest, unafraid nature. As the Moon controls the tides of the Earth, quietly affecting all life, so does Cancer, manipulating behind the scenes. Cancer tends to be sentimental, and both partners prefer to enjoy each other rather than socializing with large groups.

Horoscopes rule

Cancer:

Trusting others makes you even more trustworthy. By assuming common ground, you save a lot of valuable time. All eyes follow the person with the best goodies. If you're serving, be sure there's enough to go around.

yea, shes got a great personality

i was talking to charles last night and he told me that i had a great personality. it hurt my feelings. you dont wear tiny ass skirts so that ppl can tell you that you have a great personality. top that with him telling me earlier that i look just the same as when i left 2 yrs ago, and he's doing wonders to my ego. why would you tell someone who's turning 20 that they look like an 18yr old kid? not very nice. only ugly girls get told that they have great personalities. so that makes me sad.

oh and going with ppl telling me not very nice things, Gabe told me the other day that I was very male. what the hell is that?

oh and i went to ikea yesterday. it was magical. and i bought like dollar plates that are cute, so very worth it.

sugar sugar how'd you get so fly?

i finally have cable, and i got my 3 movies from Netflix so i watched the first sesson of sex and the city and i have to say i'm hooked. but i think i'm hooked bc i can watch the first half of the first sesson without commercials and with the power to pause it whenever i want. i like that power. I also really just enjoy the show, but it makes me mad that i get cable but no HBO...::cry:: so read this and think of the wonders of being a slut, and how really its not so bad, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

but to celebrate cable I watched back to back I love the 80's, I saw 1984 and 1989, this is probably just one of my favorite shows bc its funny and nostalgic, but making fun of urself all at the same time. wonderful.

oh and i've decided I'm going home for my birthday and partying. hard. so I dont know what i'm doing yet, but I've survived 20yrs its time to celebrate, get piss drunk, and look cute all at the same time. so when i figure out what i'm doing i'll let you know. (oh and if i know you consider this your invitation)

my job rocks

i have too much fun at work, i really do. I just spent like 3hrs talking to Gabe convincing him to download music and then forcing him to lisen to the white stripes. hehe. he didnt like it. but i found out he does like John Mayer, Ben Harper, the Dave Mathews Band, and Korean girl pop groups (thats just weird.) then i asked a million and one questions about why he was homeschooling his kids and that was fun. plus me and the other research assistant got a ride home, so we didnt have to get rained on.

oh and i got a letter from my most favorite Jes who's away at camp right now, so that just started the day right. And i put money in my account so i could do laundry, and i paid the cable ppl so that the idiot box would work. so i'm having a great day...minus the funnel looking clouds outside my window right now.

ohhh and my hair looks cute. plus the weather was nice so i could wear a dress today. i win.

shoes are more reliable than men

there are certain things that i'm all about. for instance, shoes. I love shoes, in a way where if i really had to pick between a man and a good pair of jimmy choos...i'd be pressed. i'm also all about unrated spanish editions of movies, bc really what fun is a mexican movie without all the sex, blood, and cursing that comes with it? right now i'm all about making a huge wishlist on amazon, bc i just love the recommendations that i get bc they give you a little button where you can say "why did u recommend this to me, idiots?" and they'll let you change it. I know some ppl are creeped out by their personal information being all out there and their shopping habits being spread to the world, but i'm not. If amazon can find other ppl who are learning italian, love indie foreign films, read marxian economics books, love books about makeup, and have a soft spot for albert camus, and these ppl can help me find new things to gush over I'm all over it.

its rainy and cold, so can you blame me for spending hours online shopping?

i got the most beautiful flowers from andy yesterday, they're really just perfect. I just absolutely adore flowers, and really all pretty things and so this was a wonderful surprise (although it wasnt really a surprise since I knew it was coming)...and they smell so wonderful too bc its an arrangement of lilies and roses and other little flowers that i wish i knew the names of. they're the prettiest thing in my room, and a wonderful addition to all the boxes.

oh and the fridge saga finally came to an end yesterday, and i dont think i'll ever be ordering anything from best buy again, i think that store is just run by idiots. As we all know the darn thing was supposed to be delivered on Tuesday, of course it wasnt. Then they were supposed to call me wednesday night to let me know when it would be delivered, once again nothing. When I called the next morning they said it would be delivered between 8 and 10, and it was 11ish when i called, so i was like so who do i call when they dont show up? and the guy was like "ohh they be there" right. so the guy calls me back around 1ish and is like "oh the fridge has already been delivered, some woman signed for it" why they didnt bother telling me that my fridge was here is beyond me. so then i had to get my hugely illegal fridge (its about the same size as me, maybe a foot smaller and half my weight) into my room. the cleaning lady was nice enough to help me carry it after she saw me trying to push the thing to my room. "can you lift?" she asked me, lifting a corner of the thing, "we're about to find out" i said. i think she carried most of it, but we made it to my room. then i had to get the thing out of its box and that was a bunch of fun let me tell you.

that morning i woke up to this weird high pitched beeping, which i thought was coming from my computer, but it wasnt. so i went into the hall to investigate and turns out that someone decided that 10 in the morning was the perfect time to test the fire alarms in the building. yea. it started out with the individual smoke detectors but around 2pm when they started testing the entire buildings alarms i had to get out of there, so i walked over to tailgate which is a deli type thing to have lunch and buy some milk. its a longer walk than i thought it would be. oh the way back carrying a gallon of milk made the walk just a little longer than i wanted it to be. add in some south hadley high boys hollering at me and you can be sure i wont be making that walk again in a while. why do guys think honking their horn and yelling are good ways of picking up women? like seriously even if i was interested there wouldnt be anything that i could do, what i'm supposed to start running after the car? idiots.

the first taste

theres that moment when you start dating someone or knowing that you want to date them, when you start the talking and the flirting when theres this uncertainty in the air because nothing is really for certain. its like a spark whenever you kiss them, like lighting running thru your body. you dont forget a kiss like that, but its so rare that after it happens its like a dream, it becomes the myth, and you settle into the reality of everything, the day to day kisses that arent quite that magical. and whenever theres a beginning theres an end. and no one sits around reminiscing how magical that breakup was. but theres always that memory, that dream of the beginning and the promise of new beginnings and new magic, but the future is so uncertain, and the older you get the less magical it all becomes, because ur no longer naive enough to just take a chance, to dive in and see where it takes you. life sucks the giddiness right out of you, i just wish i could go back and do it all over again, but ironically if i knew then what i know now, i wouldnt have done any of it. so its a good thing i'm not so keen on time travel, and an even better thing that i'm still naive enough to believe that theres still a little magic left out there with my name on it. and maybe even some magic with all of our names on it.

today started in such an odd way. i woke up before i was supposed to and read all of the china essays over again (oh about 114pgs) and it was raining in that drizzly way thats somewhere between true rain and that wet haze stuff, and i just wasnt in the most cheerful mood, not sad really just that bittersweetness again, that and i rediscovered that i just dont have the best effect on people sometimes. i just really make a mess of things, but i mean well. i'll just try harder though and see if i can fix this.

but then i went into work and Satya wasnt there, and i was like "huh? he said 1:30 what gives?" so i waited for what seemed like a long time for me (like 5 minutes) and then i went upstairs in search of margaret's papers, which i didnt find. what i did find though was someone that i actually know here, so that was exciting bc you rarely ever see ppl here let alone ppl that you actually know so that was exciting. We chated and then wandered back downstairs where Satya had finally showed up. and then everything went uphill from there, we had just a really fun conversation where i realized that i do not ever ever want to go to Vietnam bc i have no interest in seeing giant cockroaches. plus i learned tons of other cool stuff (well cool to me), and general cool stuff like why their putting pig genes in corn. the thing that i really like about talking to gabe is that i can keep asking him stuff and he doesnt mind he just answers, and he doesnt bullshit me he just tells me the truth and if i dont buy it I can tell him that and its okay. so work is just really fun. we just have really random conversations, which are great and remind me why i'm in beautiful south hadley to begin with.

oh and then i got home and realized that i had no clue where my one card was (its my key to get into the building) so i just went around the back and climned in thru my window. thus reminding me to keep my windows locked, or not since i still dont know where my key is and thats not good. i'm in theory also waiting for the fridge ppl to call me, but since they didnt call me last time, i'm not really expecting much. although i do want my damn fridge bc i want some milk in my room, and water. ice cream would be nice too, but right now i'd settle for some milk, cheese, and ham so i could make sandwhiches.

yea so i stayed home all day for no fridge. thats just beautiful.

my brother is a saint. no really he is. He drove all the way out to western mass and gave me my phone so I finally have a phone, and it took me a good day to figure out what my number was but i did, so now i have a phone and i know what the number is. Mostly my brother rocks bc we went out and bought me stuff to keep me somehow connected to the outside world, like a tv and dvd player, and a fridge. So its all good and bad news, good news I have a tv and dvd player, bad news I have no cable or even basic channels and only one dvd...but its the fifth element so i could really watch that in cycles, but I wont do that bc then i'll hate the fifth element. oh and the fridge, good news is i now am the proud owner of a fridge, bad news is I dont actually have the fridge yet...I'm currently trapped in my room waiting for the delivery ppl to show up since they never called with a "window of 3 hrs" when they would get here. bastards. which also means I couldnt go to work today. which I'm sad about bc I like work its fun, mostly bc i'm a big huge dork who thinks entertainment is sitting around and talking about china's economy for 4 hours at a time, while taking huge notes. and then printing out 14 essays on china on 114 pieces of paper...i want my fridge!

right so i was gonna tell a story about how i hate the future, but i dont remember how it goes really, so what i'm gonna do now is half tell the story and then u'll laugh and we'll pretend it was funnier and better than it really was. ready? ok.

so i was talking to charles and he said something about some movie about the future, and i immediately thought of total recal with the terminator guy, and so i asked him if that was the movie he was talking about, and hes like "no, i didnt say anything about mars" and then i said "but u said the future, and when ppl talk about the future i think of mars." and then he said "blah blah something about virtual reality and not having sex bc the fluids have aids in them and everyones doesnt eat meat" and thats when i got really angry and was like "i want no part in this future. the future sucks, no meat and no sex, they've taken the best parts out of life. bastards" and then he said something about video phones but i was really just stuck on the future sucking bc how can you force everyone to not eat meat? thats awful. i want no part in that future. and thats the story. the end.

theres a fine line between friendship and love. i read a quote along the lines that becoming friends with someone was like falling in love, and thats kinda stuck with me for the last week since i read that. i think the best friendships are like that, which is probably why i dont bother being a people whore and fucking the room everytime i go to a party and why i really have a love/hate thing going on with ppl that are like that. (fucking the room is a lot like fucking a person, like its lustful everyones happy but u dont really care for them and u'll forget their name before ur even done with them) i have like my core friends, the ppl i know would be with me even if i got busted for having a child midget porno cocaine ring or something. and then theres everyone else, like thats really how i see ppl. which is good and bad. good bc it gives me a lot of freedom to go and move and develop new friendships and then call up ppl see them and its like u never left, like falling in love all over again with why u just adore this person to pieces. i feel that way whenever i see alesha, and even kassady bc i just see them and i remeet Kassady, she learns my name all over again and then by the end of the visit shes holding my hand and asking me what things are. but its also bad bc you see ppl and you realize you dont live there anymore and they keep asking you when ur coming "home" but you dont have a "home" anymore, you live your life between places, out of suitcases and boxes never really having all your things at one time. it just makes me wonder how things would have been if i hadnt high-tailed it out of texas (which i know pretty much see as the promissed land) i dont know if things would be better or worse, i know my world is bigger now so i guess i'm thankful for that. theres just that underlining sadness to it, the whatifs. the "what would have happened if i never had abandoned everything that i love?"

i dont know. but i do know this is the life i chose, and everything happens for a reason right? so theres a reason i'm in south hadley this summer. i just wish south hadley was a little closer to houston, thats all.

is confusion really supposed to be this big a part of my life?

i really dont know what i want. although i know what i dont want so i guess i could just work things down from there. going to alesha's wedding and watching her walk down the isle in a huge white dress i felt like i was attending her funeral not her wedding. like that was the end of her life, but it was more the death of her spirit of the person i fell in love with in 3rd grade. of the girl that i would stay up for hours and hours with and laugh, dream, and breathe like it was all one action. when i gave her a toast i almost started crying, but i've been socialized well enough that I didnt say what I wanted to say which was something along the lines of threatening her husband with bodily harm if her ever hurt her, which he will at some point...they always do. i said something along the lines of being honored to be there at her wedding and wishing her all the happiness in the world bc she deserves it. and she does, but i just couldnt help being sad at how her life was turning out.

which just made me realize just how little i wanna get married right now. throughout the wedding i just kept chucking bc the best man was shaking just holding the wedding rings, like he didnt want anything to do with them. and in the car we talked about it and it just cememented the fact that i dont think i could be happy living in the suburbs and driving a volvo right now. or anything soon for that matter. it just feels too much like walking down the isle is akin to giving up ur life, like i had to control myself from laughing when the priest said that alesha was going to have to be submissive to her husband.

i have too much breathing, laughing, and dreaming left ahead of me for to get married. although its a nice daydream, and it feels secure, and safe but its not for me. not right now.

my room is on the first floor which is really nice since I didnt have to lug any of my stuff up to the 2nd or 3rd floor (theres no elevator or dumwaiter in this dorm) but its also kind of creepy bc theres a door right by my room, granted its not the front door and not a lot of ppl go thru that door but ppl park their bikes right in front of my room, and i like to leave my windows open, bc I like sun, but that means someone can stand outside and see into my room. Its a really weird uneasy feeling bc I never feel alone when I'm in here.

the moving isnt really going at this point. i'll blame it on my lack of energy bc I dont really have food, well I do but its all microwavable stuff like easy mac and those pasta things were all you do is add water. Yesterday for dinner I got really creative and added tuna to my pasta and it was actually really good, or maybe I was just really hungry. My diet basically consist of juice boxes (which make me feel about 5 when i drink them,) cereal (but i have no milk since I have no fridge...yea this is really sad), chocolate chip cookies, pinapples, and ritz but i'm trying to ration those since i can eat like a whole sleeve of them in one sitting and since I dont have a car i dont know when the next time i can go to the store is. i really wanna buy one of those george foreman grills bc i'd kill for a burger right now...i need protein...and a fridge. since i have no phone though (its in a box somewhere...i think at my bros old place) i cant just call my parents and tell them to put money in my account for me to buy one. I'd buy one online but I really want it now and not in 7-10 business days.

I feel like i'm in survivor mode where I'm rationing the food and my energy bc i dont know how long i'll be able to survive without a fridge or tv...or real food. and since i have no phone i cant just order pizza...yea this is sad. oh well i'll make it. i hope.

woohoo i have titles!

yea so i just got from meeting with the boss and I really think this will be just a really fun job. Basically I'm going to be paid to lisen to my favorite Gabe give me a lecture, then I write down questions, and then try to find other books or articles that talk about what he gave me a lecture about. I'm being paid to take a class, with my favorite professor. Score! I even ran into someone I know so not so bad, plus I have more money in my account than I thought I did. Woohoo!

i am now back at moho. i cant find my phone though, but at least my computer is all set up and ready. My room is huuuge like theres boxes (big computer boxes and suitcases) all along one wall but you look at the other part of the room and it looks like just a normal room. like clean even nothing on the floors or anything.

i am not excited to be back, the night before last I had my last dinner with my daddy and I had a mojarra which is fried fish like head and all, it was sooo damn good, but it was sad bc I kept joking around with my dad that this was gonna be my last meal, and it pretty much is. it was my last good meal at least. being home the last week was just so damn good though, i did alot of shopping and got to hang out with Charles who I hadnt seen in a year (he thinks i'm shady but i'm really not) But most incredible was getting to go to Alesh's wedding way out in bumfuck, thats seriously one of the most beautiful places i've ever been to. The people there were hick, but they were soo nice and the whole experience just made me appreciate Texas so much. But now it makes me miss it, because like for instance me and the bext man (i was the maid of honor) went down to the riverbank bc i wanted to see it (that and he wanted to show me the lions in tigers in one of the neighbors back yards, that was a trip) and it was just so gorgeous. Like a little slice of heaven and he started mentioning other places, but it just made me sad bc I didnt have enough time to go see them. Like they have a four-wheeler at the house but since I just came Saturday for the wedding and was leaving Sunday, I couldnt go out on them, there just wasnt any time.

It just showed me all the fun and exciting things that I could be doing but here i am in my cold room (its like 70 outside, while i know that it could be worse, I just came from 105 degrees to 70, so this is cold) I'm seeing Gabe in like half an hr so i should probably shower and get ready to "work" this should be interesting.

I did some major shopping this weekend. Like major shopping. I bought a really cute pair of white drawstring pants, soooo summery and wonderful, a cute summer dress (its blue and halter top), a white top (sleeveless, v neck), the cutest jean skirt (its pleated and short), 2 purses, luggage, a new blow dryer, makeup, face wash, gorgeous green chandelear earings, and random wonderful stuff from target. I still have to hit up ikea before i go back though, and theres still some random stuff left to buy...i love shopping and especially when u go into a little store and buy something wonderful and find out its super cheap (like when we bought the purses they were like $15 bucks each and so we got really giddy and bought a lot of purses) and yea, thats why i love shopping with my mom, bc we love shopping, which is awful but so true, the only thing we didnt buy was shoes, but thats only cause I dont have room for anymore shoes at school...but a cute little pair of summer heals would be nice....

i have one week left and then its back to the cold...so sad. and brents still not back yet...punk. oh well, i guess i'm gonna end up missing him. This next weekend should be interesting, I'm either going to watch Alesh get married and be the maid of honor or I'm gonna go down to south padre island and go spend the weekend on the wonderful beautiful beach...i hope this girl isnt getting married this weekend, i really wanna go to the beach.

oh and filling out citizenship papers is an interesting process bc I sit there and some of those questions seem like tricks, like a word puzzle type of thing. and then some of them are just plain stupid, like asking you if you were ever a member of the communist government? like your going to check yes. but now at least for the most part its finished, except for the question on race, the choices were white, black, pacific islander, native american, alaskan, or unknown and I cant figure out what to check, bc I dont think I'm white, my dad thinks we should all check unknown since they dont have hispanic as a choice. I was thinking of just making a new box on the side for other bc i really dont think i'm white.

okay what really bugs me are those damn genital herpes commercials, like your just hanging out watching TV and then all of a sudden you hear "i used to be very active and then I got genital herpes" and I feel so bad for those actors who have to sit there with a straight face and just proclaim how they have genital herpes. it completly ruins my tv watching experience.

oh and going to a liberal arts college (emphasis on the liberal) completly changes the way that you watch TV, it basically takes all the fun of it because I sit there and notice how they represent and under represent minorities, how they talk about money, and how they naturalize specific gender roles...and then by then i dont even wanna watch TV...so i've taken to doing puzzles to keep myself busy. that and buying stuff...

bluebell ice cream and chocolate are a girls best friend. especially since brent sucks and isnt home yet, bastard. oh and i watched Down with Love today and its a bad sign where halfway thru the movie the only thing I could focus on were Reene's fake eyelashes...they looked like calapilars....i just couldnt look away. oh and dont bother going to see it, it turns into a completly different movie halfway thru, a weird different movie.

yea, being home is great because i have to drive to get anywhere, like last night i was bored out of my mind so I drove down the street to walgreens and spent my mommy's money on candy, a cheesy magazine, makeup, and one of those puzzle magazines that i like so much because i'm a dork. I've decided that I'm going to chop off my hair, or at least chop some of it off and add some shape to it...i might also dye it...might. I was thinking red maybe, or like a brownish shade...but then my hair now is kinda brownish and i dont know if i like it, so i probably wont do that.

being at home and being a complete an utter bum has given me the much needed motivation to actually look foward to going back to boring south hadley, mostly because i'll be paid and have my own car...and my own room so that my mom doesnt ask me six times a day what i'm going to do today, i've taken to just responding honestly so that she knows that my whole plan for being home is to eat candy and ice cream and watch bad daytime TV, because theres no shame in that.

i'm gonna do something with my hair...i dont know what though, i want it to grow so i dont think i'm going to cut it all off...although i just might. i'm thinking of doing something fun with it, maybe some red stripes or something, bc well...i'm bored. ohhh i got a single for the summer! soooo exciting! and its on the first floor so i dont have to lug all my stuff up a bunch a stairs and as i learned when i was packing i have a lot of stuff...and yet it doesnt feel like a lot....bc i really dont have that much stuff.

ummm yea i saw Kassady Lynn the other day which is Alesha's little girl and she's sooo big now and sooo freaking cute, and she talks now which is a trip for me bc when i first met her she couldnt even sit up, and now she talks, she's soo cute. I wanna just take her for a day and just hang out, bc you tell her to do something and she does it, like its kinda like a dog, but a kid, and so cute. Alesha brought along her pregnant friend who's like 7 months pregnant and that was creepy bc the girl was like poking her little boy bc he kept kicking her and stuff, it was gross.


oh and i'm watching Oprah right now (which is what i do when i'm on break) and this woman rules, she has like her favorite things and she has really cool things like a portable grill and a really cool camera, but the thing is that she gives everything she talks about to her audience, and the ppl are like going crazy like having breakdowns and crying.its fun to watch.

she just gave them all ipods! oh my! those are the sexiest things ever...well that and apple's G4s...thats one sexy laptop, which will be mine by the end of summer. woohoo!

okay this is why i love being home, tomorrow a "cold" front is going to be coming in and its going to be 87! i love it.

umm thats all i have to say.

i'm finally home, i've been here since Friday and its nice to be back...ummm lets do backwards highlights:

I got a pedicure today for the first time and it was wonderful. i think this is one of the reasons i love being home so much, my mom out of nowhere is like "u wanna go get a pedicure?" and i'm like "score" and then we went out to eat and then ice cream, i love being spoiled, i think its just my mom's way of letting me know she missed me

i slept all day on saturday

i arrived on friday, umm i saw a thunderstorm on the way in from nashville, oh i feel in love with nashville just from seeing it from the sky, its just gorgeous, i'm adding it to my list of places i must visit and possibly live in, ummm my bro drove me to the airport, i didnt miss my flight

on thrusday i managed to take my last exam, and pack all of my shit up in the course of 5 hrs...yea thats right, 5 hrs to pack all of my shit up, and i didnt sleep the night before with the matrix and talking to andy...i also learned i have a lot of shit...and it doesnt really seem like it either...so we got to worcester that night (its 'bout an hr from south hadley) and i fell asleep within 20minutes of hitting my bros couch, i slept until 11am the next day and i was still kinda sleepy.

umm and thats all the highlights i can remember...oh and its warm here like 85, which i think is a magical perfect temperature...i hate the cold.

The Matrix Reloaded was amazing, just how amazing you ask? it was a religious experience and i dont think i breathed from the point the movie started to the very end. just simply amazing. it also left me feeling like i could actually fly, but then i realized i couldnt and became very sad.

2 boxes are packed at this point, my room is stripped bare, and i wish i was in Boston right now sleeping in andys bed. oh well, will study some, pack more, and take my exam tomorrow morning.

i am not excited about summer. To me summer is something that needs to hurry up and finish so that I can see my boyfriend at the end of it. Summer is bittersweet, its hot and warm but at the same time its a large chunk of time where seeing/having any communication what so ever with andy is eratic, infrequent, sporatic, seldom...i think you get the point. This summer in particular is specially bittersweet bc I'm not excited about my research position,even though I'm sure it'll be way too much fun to get to spend weeks with Gabe watching movies and helping him write a book, but this will be the first time in my life that i spent my birthday alone, without my parents or even friends, and i know some people are used to this, but i've never had to do it before so i'm not. Birthdays arent a huge deal in my family, but they're a reason to have dinner and eat cake, add to that the fact that i doubt andy will be able to fly up to see me for my birthday since it falls on a tuesday and even becomes even more depressing...that was my pleasant thought on my hour and a half bus ride back from boston today, right after crying at having to watch andy wave goodbye and not being able to get off the bus and just stay with him...i hate leaving. i hate that whole day when i know that i have to go, or he has to go, its just becomes a thing where i try not to cry and just fail bc i keep thinking that i wont see him again for months....i really dont know how long it will be until i see him again, and honeslty i dont wanna sit down and count the days. i got back into my room and just started packing, because at this point the only thing that i'm looking foward to is seeing my parents, feeling the hot wonderful sun against my skin, and eating some pork chops, with lemon juice on top....yumm...

i went to a jazz club last night with andy, he told me i couldnt go in jeans so i had to spend the better part of my day finding something to wear bc when i left and asked him if i needed any heels or anything fancy he said no, so i bought myself a strapless black dress at the limited. Of course the couple we went with was in jeans and i was freezing (its still in the 50's here in the state that god forgot) so i used his jacket and andy was cold. umm the show itself...lets just say a third of it put me to sleep, the second third was just bizare (and no i'm ot kidding think dancers in tellytubby colored full body spandex suits and a creepy comedian doing his stand-up with jazz playing in the back) and the last third was really amazing and really good. Since i didnt pay for the ticket, I think it was alright. I was also overdressed and cold the whole night, and now own my second black strapless dress, i now have 3 solid black dresses....even i think thats odd.

oh and i also learned that Babylon 5 is a wondeful series, a large chunk of my visit with andy was spent watching this very addictive show, bc one of his roomates has the first and second sesson on DVD. I think we watched a part of the first and most of the second...i watched a lot of Babylon 5. This last visit with andy was really great, there was no fighting, no drama, no arguing, just a really pleasant fun time. ::sigh:: i'm gonna miss that boy.

but i get to see the Matrix at midnight, so that'll keep me going, and i take my final exam tomorrow morning and then i'm gone.

so last night i learned a few things,

1. celebratory drinking on monday nights is a good thing
2. vanilla vodka is a little easier to take than just normal vodka
3. i think my body does not enjoy taking straight shots anymore, sad and yet true
4. andy does not play video games well
5. drunk ppl are always amusing
6. drunk ppl playing video games are just more entertaining
7. men are just as insecure as women, they just hide it more (i already knew this one, this was just a reminder)
8. going to bed at 4am every night just screws up your sleeping schedule
9. andy is highly entertaining when drunk but not plastered, the difference is the fine line between him being relaxed and him being a violent drunk
10. christopher walken is just too damn cool. (we watched pulp fiction, and he's just great in it)
and finally
11. i have really weird dreams normally, but after i drink they just get bizzare.

so i am in an MIT computer lab right now, trying to get my stats stuff printed out, but i cant figure out how to get the thing to show up. since i dont think they have powerpoint installed on these computers. sooo yea, this place smells funny and i'm the only woman in here and everything seems just a little more complicated than it needs to be...so thats no good. must keep myself entertained for an hour....must stay entertained. must be producted while the scary man next to me hacks things up...and the computer makes weird noises that i dont understand....

so i go to my last counseling session of the yr (i've gone to a grand total of 3) and when I ask my counselor if she thinks i need long term therapy (bc she kept asking me if i wanted to continue going) and she tells me that from what she knows of me I'm a very healthy, mature, smart, young woman with a lot of potential and that while i dont need long term therapy, she feels everyone should go to therapy and we both just started laughing, it was a great moment. So i'm feeling specially good today because i got the sane stamp of approval from this woman and I'm going to Boston today and I'm very excited about tomorrow nights dinner and the yummy shrimp scampi thats being made for me by their cook. Also very excited about Ms.Evelyn Kapusta joining me for the festivities, but mostly bc if I'm going to drink around a bunch of frat boys I need Ev there with me, bc shes my drinking buddy, she's my drinking tolerance twin, so its going to be very fun. yea, so i havent studied much at all these last few days, I've managed to watch every single homestarunner cartoon, and to become the master of spider solitare, but studying for stats or writing my italian composition....eh not so much.

yea, i'm in a great mood. i've even managed to get started on the packing....although i still havent busted open that trunk...anyone have any ideas (besides bolt cutters which i dont have) of getting one of those masterlock padlock things open? anyone?

hey its brent's birthday!
Yay for brent he's one year closer to being 21! not like brent would really need to be 21 for any reason....ummm well...its still a good thing so yay!

okay, so last night i had the most traumatizing experience where I had to kill a bee that had found its way into my room. first i dont like bugs that can fly, i just dont like bugs, but flying bugs? thats just not right. okay second, I have never been stung by a bee, and would like to keep it that way, which gives me an even greater fear of being stung by a bee bc if i had felt it i would at least know what its like and be like well it cant kill me, but i've never been stung so i dont know that. so when i opened the window to let the other bugs out of my room (they were just the little baby nat things that flew in thru the mosquito net) this bee flies in and it like graces my hand and so of course i screamed, and it was ohh 1am or so, so i think it resonated thru the dorm. and then i proceeded to hide under my covers so the bug wouldnt be able to get me, did i mention i was on the phone with andy thru this whole ordeal? yea, he wasnt so helpful at first, but then he talked me thru the process of killing the damn thing and a good 20minutes later i actually killed the damn thing. but after the whole incident my room didnt feel the same and so i stayed up and watched andy's robotics competition online until 4ish and then i decided to just stay awake and make sure andy woke up from his nap. and i had weird dreams too last night, i blame the dead bee for giving my room creepy vibes.